The evening air was sticky as I woke up from a dreamless sleep and into the pounding consciousness inside my head. I sat up slowly and prodded at the back of my head, finding the source of the pain. My eyes sockets hurt as I glanced around the small camp, and it occurred to me that I probably had a concussion.
Sihtric wasn't in the camp, but his horse was still hobbled not far away. I wondered where he had gone, but then I thought better of it. I was still irritated at him from earlier, and so I was relieved he wasn't in my space as soon as I woke up.
I pushed up to my feet slowly, and my vision swam. I closed my eyes against the vertigo that crashed into me and leaned against the nearest tree to ground myself. I felt like I could vomit again, but the bile never began to rise.
"You're up." He said behind me. I grunted in response. Wow, excellent deduction skills.
"I am trying to be."
He leaned against the tree across from me, only a few feet away, and popped a blackberry into his mouth. "How's your side?"
"It hurts." Seriously?
"Let's see it." It wasn't a question. He was already leaning down, and he tugged up my shirt. He winced as he saw it again, which prompted me to look down at it as well, which made my head rush in turn. The bruise was still dark purple in the center, with splotches of red around the edges. How the ribs underneath weren't broken, I had no idea. Luck, I guessed.
"We might stay here another day. At least. Two would be ideal."
"What? We don't have that kind of time. Uhtred is waiting for us in Mercia, and the men who took me are probably looking for us as we speak."
He sighed. "It's not up for debate. Uhtred and Finan will manage without us," he ate another blackberry then finished, "and they will not find us."
"So we wait here for two days?" I rolled my eyes. He said nothing, just stared at me in that way he often did. "You should just go."
"No." He stepped away from the tree and towards the camp without speaking more about it. It was done. We wouldn't be going anywhere, and I knew I wouldn't be changing his mind. I decided to just let it go. I was still aggravated, but it wasn't going anywhere.
I sat down on the furs again, and he wordlessly passed a leaf full of blackberries to me by means of setting them on the fur in front of me. I put one in my mouth almost immediately despite my desire to ignore his offering. My stomach was empty and angry. The sweet bitterness of the berry washed away some of my irritation, but not all.
"It's not a tart, but.."
I tried not to smile. "I'm still mad at you." I hid my smile by putting more berries into my mouth, but my cheeks blushed and betrayed me.
"I know," he smiled, that stupid little smile that looked way too cute for how stubborn and annoying he was being.
We didn't talk again for a while. It was quiet in the forest, and I felt myself getting swept away in the sounds of nature. The branches above rustled and creaked with each breeze, birds chirped love songs to each other, and I felt one with my surroundings. It had been a while since I had been in nature this way, but it felt comfortable.
I popped another blackberry in my mouth and tasted its earthiness and its sweetness. I felt it's grit between my teeth, and I thought about everything that had to transpire just for it to arrive at me. The divine plan of natural occurrences.
"I am sorry. I should have been with you." His voice was heavy with guilt when it broke the silence of my communion with the natural peace of the forest.
"It's not your fault I was taken."
He nodded slowly. His eyes were trained on the ground for the space of a few breaths. "No. But if I had been paying attention to you -"
"What? I do not expect you to babysit me. I was outside camp, alone and unarmed. I was foolish."
He squinted his eyes. "Even still. When I found the blood.. and you were missing -"
"But you found me," I interrupted. I didn't need to hear him finish that statement. I didn't need to hear him say that he was scared, worried, freaking out. It would make it all real.
He nodded softly, his eyes rose to meet mine. "I did."
I thought about how I almost bashed his brains in with a rock in the cellar and shuddered. I had been prepared to die for my escape, but the Gods granted me favor and sent him instead. "I would have killed you." I stated it so calmly, but the thought that I could have murdered someone I cared about made me incredibly sad.
He snorted. "Unlikely."
"I was about to bash your head in with a rock."
"You were about to try," he snickered.
"Oh? Because from where I was standing, I had the upper hand."
He rolled his eyes. "Red, please."
I scoffed. "You mean goat!" I tossed a blackberry at him playfully.
"I literally tracked you down and rescued you," he reminded with a slightly condescending tone.
I rolled my eyes. "Just to bully me?"
"Well, that's not the only reason."
The playful banter between us lifted my mood a good deal and made me temporarily forget my ailments and problems. Being with him often had that effect on me in various ways. I was smiling to myself about the silliness of our interaction when he spoke again.
"I.. like being around you."
"Yeah?" I looked at him again. Did he want to elaborate on that a little more?
"Yeah," he smiled.
Guess not.
"And?" I pressed. I crossed my legs carefully, trying to avoid provoking the injury.
"And?" He shot me a look. "That's it. I like spending time with you. I do not feel I need to pretend when it's just us. Our conversations feel natural, and your presence is comfortable."
That might be the most he had ever said to me all at once. His voice echoed in my head like the melody of a song, and I got lost in it as he spoke. When he stopped speaking, I wanted nothing more than for him to play the melody again.
"And," he chuckled, "I want more."
"More?" I looked at him again. His eyes were like little fireballs as they reflected the flames of the campfire and the desire in his eyes that mingled within.
"More than 'just sex'. I want more."
The realization of his words started to settle over me, and I felt nervous to explore this option. What if it went wrong? That was the question that burned through me now. I didn't know what to say, and I realized I was just staring at him in shock. I looked at the fire and tried to settle myself into a calmer train of thought.
The truth was I did want more. I wanted to spend more time with him and more time around him. I wanted more joking and more innuendos. I wanted more of his hands on me. I wanted more of his voice in my ears. I wanted more of his body. I wanted more of his attention.
"Me too, but.. I'm afraid." The words left my lips without my consent, and my eyes widened as I realized I had said it out loud.
"Afraid?" He asked softly.
Might as well spill it now. "Scared that I will get attached."
He kind of half chuckled. "I think we already are."
I stared at him as thoughts rushed into my throbbing mind. It was true, I already was attached. Fear settled over me and throbbed behind my eyeballs. What would I do now? If this didn't work? If it couldn't work? "But.. what if it doesn't work."
He shook his head like he couldn't believe what I was saying. "You think I will leave you?"
"I think you will grow tired of me."
"I do not know if that's possible."
"Sihrtic, I'm not the woman who waits at home for you, cooking you meals and raising your children."
"Good, you are a terrible cook," he snorted.
His joke didn't feel good enough, and I continued to stare at him with a stoic expression. The look on his face shifted from playful to more serious before he shook his head and sighed.
"I am afraid too," he paused, "but are you not tired of living in fear?" He almost whispered the words. His eyes reflected the flickering of the flames and lit the features of his face in a warm and attractive light.
My hands itched to reach out and touch him again, to feel the heat that was undoubtedly warming his face. I didn't move, though, and a moment later, his words started to sink in. I nodded in slow motion, my gaze on him unwavering. "I am."
It was quiet. We both seemed content to sit in the night air and listen to the crackling of the fire. I was shocked at how this had all gone and didn't really know what to say anyway.
I shifted my weight. My legs were going numb the way I was sitting, so I had to stretch them out. This caused a cascade of pain to shoot from my ribs across my chest and up through my shoulder. I sighed against the pain. It was inevitable, and I had learned to deal with it over the course of the horrid day I had managed to survive.
"So, now what?" He asked, breaking the silence.
"What do you want to happen?" I asked in response. I wasn't really sure where to go from here, I decided to let him lead.
"I want to court you, proper."
I arched a brow. No one had ever courted me before. I stuck with my theme of not knowing what to say for a long moment and then said, "With flowers and sweets?"
He chuckled. "And attention."
"Oh," I laughed, "so you were paying attention."
"You are impossible not to pay attention to," he grinned again. Then his smile changed, softened. "Will this change anything?"
His question caught me off guard. I just stared back at him for a minute, thinking about it. "I don't think so." Then a thought occurred to me; if he was openly courting me, we would have to expose our relationship.
Our relationship. The words made me feel weird. It had become a relationship, though. I smiled as I imagined it; us just being open about everything. People would see us together, and we would not try to hide it.
Then a new, daunting thought..
"We have to tell Uhtred."
He frowned. "Yes."
"Will he approve?"
"I do not know. He's not an unreasonable man. He may."
He may? That felt like a really big maybe. If the Lord we both served did not approve of a relationship between us, we would not be "allowed" to pursue it. The gravity of what we had done and allowed to happen began to set in.
"And if he doesn't?"
His gaze diverted away from me, and a pained expression crossed over his features. "He will."
"What a mess we have made," I sighed.
We had done this all backward. We started with passion, though, and there's not going back across the line once it's been crossed. If Uhtred were to deny us, it felt as though we would continue anyway, in secret. Eventually, that too would come out, and then we would face being shunned and outcast. It would be utterly be devastating.
"Yeah," he sighed, "but I want to keep making the mess. Being around you makes me feel alive, like being in battle." His eyes twinkled as he spoke of the comparison.
That exciting, huh? But I felt the same way. The presence of him excited me, and when we were alone together, it wouldn't be an exaggeration to say that I felt the same heart-pounding rush that I did on the battlefield.
"Then we just hope that Uhtred approves," I stated. I let the rest hang in the air between us. It didn't need to be spoken for us to know what it would mean if he didn't.
"I will speak to him," he said at last.
I sighed. All there was to do was wait for that to happen.
Well, that's not all there was to do. "Well, if you are courting me now... You could sit next to me," I motioned to the furs I sat on like I was welcoming him to my bed.
He chuckled. "Yes, I suppose I could." He walked over and sat down on the furs next to me. With his new proximity to me, I could feel the electricity between us in the small space that separated us. I wanted to touch his skin, to feel it on my fingertips. I fought the urge and didn't move at first. Instead, I just stared down at the space between us, like it offended me deeply that it existed.
The heat of the fire in front of us mirrored the heat that spread across my belly as I imagined touching his hand, holding it in my hand. I longed for how it would feel as the callouses on his fingers rubbed against the soft skin on the back of my hand.
His hand was right there, leaning on the ground. I was quickly losing the battle of my own creation. I put my hand over his, and my fingers curled around his hand. His skin was warm like I had imagined it would be. He looked down at my hand, wrapped around his, and smiled at the act for a moment, then looked up to me as he flipped his hand over so that our palms rubbed against one another.
It was such a small thing, but it felt big. His hand clutched mine pleasantly. His thumb ran back and forth over my knuckles, and I could swear that butterflies were hatching in my stomach and taking their first flights. Their wings tickled my insides with every little flutter made possible by his thumbs path across my skin.
"Can I kiss you?"
The tips of my ears felt like they might catch on fire from the blush that spread up my face. "You've never asked before. Why now?"
"It feels different now."
I shook my head as my eyes drifted to his lips. "I don't want it to be."
The butterflies I could swear were in my stomach might have actually been sparrows, flapping their wings as they intensified their reason of existence with every moment that passed. I could almost swear the sound of my heart beating in my ears was maybe the flapping of tiny wings instead as it increased its speed in anticipation.
He smiled softly as he leaned closer. His lips brushed against mine delicately, longingly, softly. The sparrows within me stopped beating their wings against my organs, and instead, they floated on the breeze, silent and still. The tenderness of the kiss pulled my mind into a blissful void where the only thing that existed was his lips on mine and the rhythm at which they danced together next to the fire.