We decided to walk to the movie theater, give our bikes a break. It wasn't like I didn't walk a lot, but not being on my bike, not feeling the wind in my hair, was kind of surreal, especially with them because all we did was ride our bikes.
"There's no way she's actually into you." Yeonjun elbowed Taehyun who just rolled his eyes, swatting away Yeonjun's arm.
Kai giggled from beside me as the two of us watched them bicker in front of us, "Who are they talking about?" I asked. I knew I wasn't sure of all of their inside jokes, all of their crushes and so forth, so I wasn't afraid to ask.
"My sister."
"Your sister? Taehyun likes your sister?"
"Not really, it's an ongoing joke we have. Soobin likes her though."
"Really?" Everything was kind of catching me off guard at that moment. First Taehyun, then Soobin?
Kai just shrugged, "I guess she's popular."
"You'd think. What about Yeonjun? He like her?" I was honestly hoping not. I don't know why, but everything inside me was begging for Kai to tell me no.
But instead of a no, and instead of a yes, he just shoved his hands in his pockets, "I'm not sure. Yeonjun doesn't really talk about the girls he likes. Sure, we find out once he tells us about how he hooked up with a girl but before that, we hardly even know the girl."
"How does he meet them?" I felt a strange feeling in my chest though. I watched as Yeonjun kicked a rock along the sidewalk, the street lamps kicking on just as we walked by, causing me to jump slightly. We were close to getting to the movie theater.
"Parties. We don't go too often, but when we do, we are the life of the party. Girls can't say no." He smiled a little, his eyes staring off as he zoned out, reminiscing about the parties he'd been to. I shivered.
I'd never been to a party before. Sure, birthday parties when I was a little kid, the kids in my class tossing an invitation on my desk just to build up numbers rather than kindly handing the invite to me like they would for the rest of the kids. They didn't want me there, but their moms would feel bad not inviting me. Yet, when I'd go, I'd be all alone, sitting out by the pool eating my piece of cake.
Those memories, of being alone, having nobody other than myself, made me just feel sorry about asking, "How often do you go?"
"Often enough. You should come with us next time! It's usually me, Soobin, Yeonjun, Taehyun, my sister and Taehyun's 2 older brothers. You got anyone to bring?"
"I guess I have my sister, but she's not much into going out unless her best friend goes."
"Then they can both come." He smiled as he slinked his arm around my shoulder. I hadn't expected him to be so willing to let my sister come, let alone her best friend too.
I smiled too though, the way he was so inviting, so willing, "They're both over 18. That's fine, right?" I wasn't sure if they were high school parties and if it was odd to have non high schoolers there, but when he said Taehyun's older brothers I'd assumed it was fine.
"Yeah. The parties are thrown by high schoolers, usually seniors, but they're open to literally anyone." Yeonjun and Taehyun turned the corner as I hummed and nodded in understanding, us following behind them, turning shortly after.
The movie theater was now in sight, just down the road. There were a good amount of cars outside in the parking lot. Taehyun looked over his shoulder, and I couldn't help my eyes from meeting his. There was a serious look on his face. Then I remembered what I'd promised. That he and I would talk tonight.
"Did Soobin ever get back to you?" I asked. Taehyun had bought another ticket after we'd gotten on our bikes to go home after we got bored of the train. The extra ticket was for me. Soobin was supposed to text one of us to tell us he'd be coming, but he just hadn't, at least from what I knew.
He shook his head as he dropped his arm from my shoulder and back into his pocket to grab his phone to check his phone for any notifications, "Nope. Nothing."
"So I bought the ticket for nothing?" Taehyun shouted back at us. It wasn't a big deal. He was joking, a bit of sarcasm in his voice. It was super cheap anyways, barely even 7 dollars.
Kai just shrugged, "Guess so!" It didn't matter much anyways since the only spot he was able to get was a seat right behind us, but my mind quickly drifted from that. I had to talk to Taehyun. But when?
Before the movie? We wouldn't have enough time to talk for long enough. During the movie? We couldn't get up and leave in the middle of the movie. After the movie? We'd be leaving.
I had no idea what I was going to do. Maybe, just maybe, if I sat next to him, we could chat occasionally during the boring bits of the movie. To be honest, I wasn't even sure what movie we were going to be seeing. Kai said something about it being a horror movie though. Which hit me in the gut once I remembered he'd said that.
"Wait, what movie is it?" We had gotten to the doors, Taehyun and Yeonjun had already stepped inside. Kai stopped with me, right outside of the door. He was holding the door open for me, but my feet wouldn't budge.
"I forget the name, Taehyun might remember, but it's a horror movie." He smiled as he shoved me into the building, my heart in my throat.
I hated horror movies. I hated anything scary. They were too much for me. The jumpscares had always been awful. The gore and the deaths always gave me nightmares. I grabbed Kai's hand, squeezing it as tightly as I could as I grabbed his arm with my other hand.
His face contorted, the door shutting behind us, the other two already walking up to the front to talk to the insanely tired looking girl who was working there, "You good?"
I couldn't do much to reply other than a subtle and slow shrug. I wasn't even really sure if he saw that I'd shrugged with the way he tilted his head more at me.
"I hate horror." His eyes softened, but his lips curled slightly into a smile as he placed a hand on my cheek.
"You can sit next to me, I promise I'll keep you safe." He snickered a bit. It was a joke to him, but to me, I needed him to protect me. I actually needed him.
He led me to the front with the other guys, but just as we'd gotten there, they were already shoving us along to the concession stand to get popcorn and candy.
Taehyun was pulling the money from his wallet, "What do you want, Beomgyu?" He was looking at me from over his shoulder, leaning against the counter as Yeonjun skimmed the menu above. The guy on the other side of the counter at the register was also staring at me, waiting for my answer.
I suddenly felt super overwhelmed and I just shook my head before turning my head the other way, resting my head on Kai's arm as I kept my head facing the basically empty building.
"He and I aren't going to get anything." Kai finally spoke up for us. Then, I heard the conversation between Taehyun and the guy on the other side of the counter. My head still pressed against Kai's arm, my eyes scanning the few people that walked by.
I felt myself ache a bit. It kind of surprised me that Kai hadn't gotten anything. In all honesty, I was hoping that he was going to, because my mouth was kind of watering, begging for that buttery popcorn like it was all I needed to keep myself going, but he didn't. Which meant I couldn't share with him. But that was fine.
I pulled my head off of him after a few minutes, my neck starting to cramp from the uncomfortable position I'd put myself in. I then tugged on his shirt sleeve, "Why didn't you get anything?"
"Just not hungry, I guess." He smiled softly at me. There was something about the look he gave me. I'd always known when people were lying. And I couldn't let it slip by me when I saw that same, innocent, cover up look on his face. Though, I wasn't going to push, at least not then.
As I watched the guy behind the counter, still tired, scoop out the popcorn for Taehyun and Yeonjun who were giddy on their toes for the popcorn, I thought about asking Kai. But then I stopped myself. It was dumb. He probably didn't like popcorn, that's all. But why didn't he just say that?
It was small, stupid, irrelevant, and probably nothing, and yet it was consuming every breath I took. I kept finding myself looking up at Kai, our hands still glued together as I had a tiger grip on his forearm. All because I was afraid of the horror movie we were about to watch.
I let go of his arm and loosened my grip on his hand, though I didn't fully let go. The sudden looseness of my grip caused him to look down at me. I had to pull my eyes away from him. I couldn't converse.
"Movie starts in 5 minutes, should we go sit?" Yeonjun came up from behind us as he began to push us slightly towards the theater. Taehyun was behind him, tossing pieces of popcorn into his mouth as he fiddled with his phone in his hand.
He asked a question, but didn't wait for an answer. The 4 of us walked into the theater, which was packed with people. That's where everyone was. The cars in the parking lot finally made sense. I kept my on Kai's as he followed Yeonjun up the stairs to our seats. Taehyun was behind me, still chewing on his popcorn.
As we walked to our seats, through the aisle, the people sitting there had to stand up so we could get by. It made me super uncomfortable, the people standing to get out of our way. I don't know why, but something about it made me feel queasy.
We finally sat, me right in between Kai and Taehyun. Behind me, directly behind me, was the empty seat that we'd gotten. But Soobin wasn't there. So nobody took it.
I leaned back in the seat, letting Kai and Taehyun talk about the movie and what they'd heard about it as I just squeezed Kai's hand even tighter in my own.
As I leaned back though, my head rolling to the side to look down the aisle behind me, I made eye contact with Yeonjun, who also had leaned back and rolled his head to look at me. He smirked at me, his fingers running through his hair. The way he looked at me, the way he messed with his hair, the way his eyes closed slightly as the lights started to dim until they were completely out, all of it was sending a fire to my heart as my stomach started to fill with butterflies again.
"Beomgyu." Kai said in a stern voice, causing me to whip my head back straight to face them. I saw, from the corner of my eye, Yeonjun sit up right. I did too, realizing that Taehyun and Kai were both staring at me.
"Hm?"
"You gonna be alright?" Taehyun giggled a little, pushing his bag of popcorn towards me, offering me to take some. So, I did, ignoring his question as I took a handful of the popcorn before shoveling it into my mouth. When I did that, Kai just smiled.
"Hungry much?" I elbowed him as I wiped the butter and salt from my hand onto my pant leg. Then, the movie began.
I'm going to be honest, I didn't pay much attention to the movie at all. My face was snug behind Kai's shoulder, pinned against the back of his chair as I tried to follow the movie with just my ears, but all of the girls' voices sounded the same and I could never tell who was screaming.
Taehyun kept shoving the popcorn towards me, which made me bring myself out of the safety I had behind Kai's shoulder. The popcorn was really good though, I had to admit that. Each time I'd take a handful, he'd give me the same eyes as he gave me when we were walking to the theater. And each time, I'd sigh, knowing that I'd have to find a time to talk to him before the night was over.
But one time was different. One handful of popcorn was different, because as I was shoving it into my mouth, quickly my face lit up. I saw Soobin walk into the theater right as a girl started screaming bloody murder. I didn't care about her screams though. All I could do was stare at Soobin, waiting for him to look at me so I could wave at him to get his attention.
When he finally looked my way, I wiped my hand on my pants again before waving at him. A big smile formed on his face as he started heading towards us. The other guys realized what had happened and quickly perked up too.
"I thought you weren't coming?" Taehyun said as Soobin started to scooch past the people that we'd also gotten by earlier to get to our seats.
"I wasn't but then my mom said I could. I texted Yeonjun that I was on my way." We all whipped our heads around to look at Yeonjun who sheepishly grabbed his phone and rolled his eyes at the message he saw.
"Well I was following the rules and not being on my phone during the movie." He said with a smug look on his face as he shoved the phone back into his pocket. The girl beside Taehyun tapped his shoulder.
"Be quiet please." She spoke softly as he quickly turned and laid her head down on her boyfriend's shoulder, at least I think it was her boyfriend.
Taehyun apologized under his breath as he pointed to the seat behind me, "You can sit there Soobin."
My body took over, causing me to jump to my feet, "No, no! I'll sit there. Soobin can have my seat."
Soobin shook his head. He pushed me back down into my seat beside Kai as he started walking towards the end of the aisle, "You let me up on the train, I'll take the seat." Again though, it felt so wrong.
"Absolutely not." I quickly jumped up again and yanked Soobin back. Sure, it was a little dramatic and over the top, but I felt like I had to. I had to show him that I was willing to put myself on the line for him, especially after what I'd found out earlier. He'd just gotten back from work, and he deserved to hang out with his friends.
I shoved him down into the seat like he'd done to me as I turned back around and quickly stepped around the people who were glaring daggers at me. I apologized shyly to each and every one of them, apologizing to each of the people in the row behind us too as I slipped by them to get to the one empty seat in that row.
I'd only realized then how uncomfortable it made me, to walk by all those people and then to sit in between 2 strangers for the next 30 to 40 minutes of my life. But it was something I was willing to do for Soobin. It was something I'd be willing to do for any of them. The idea, the knowledge, of having a friend for the first time was something that kind of drove me crazy. In the best way possible.
As we watched the movie, well as they watched the movie, my eyes stuck on the back of Soobin's head, they were laughing and joking and passing along the popcorn like they had when I was there, occasionally handing it back for me to get some.
The people beside me were a little much. They were whispering for the whole time, which I'd heard a little bit of when I was sitting in front of them, but now sitting next to them, all I could hear was the annoying whispering they were throwing back and forth. I couldn't even hear what they were saying, but I knew it wasn't important enough that it could wait for after the movie.
Before I even knew it, the movie was over. The bag of popcorn was empty, and the drink that Yeonjun had gotten that I didn't know about was gone too. The night was getting closer to an end and I still had no idea how or when I was going to talk to Taehyun.
The theater lights flicked on and families, couples, and friend groups all started to get up to leave. The guys just stayed seated, which meant I did too.
"How was it?" Taehyun looked over his shoulder at me, even though I was sure he knew I wasn't paying attention at all to that horrid movie.
"Great." I crossed my arms as I spoke in a sarcastic tone. He chuckled under his breath as he stood up, wiping the crumbs from the popcorn from his pants. The other guys quickly stood up after him. I did the same.
Soobin began to push Taehyun all the way to the end of the aisle, trying to get past one of the only couples who hadn't yet left the theater because they were too busy making out. I rolled my eyes as Kai gawked at the sight of them.
"Yuck." Kai muttered as we walked down the stairs. I couldn't help but giggle as Yeonjun smacked him on the back of his head, causing Kai to wince in pain as he gently rubbed his head.
"I gotta pee man!" Kai shouted as soon as we got out of the theater. I smiled in embarrassment as some other people gave him a funny look. However, Yeonjun and Soobin nodded in agreement as the 3 of them ran off into the bathroom together.
Standing there alone, I realized now was my chance. Now was the time I was going to have to talk with Taehyun.
I turned around as the two of us wandered to a wall so we weren't in the middle of the walkway, "Okay, let's talk. I know it's not a lot of time, but just, give me what you can."
Taehyun looked around, as if he didn't hear me. As if he was ignoring me. But then he let out a deep sigh, his eyes falling shut as he just shrugged, "I don't know what to say, Beomgyu. There's not much to say. It's just that, well, most days I'm too tired to get out of bed. The guys always give me a reason to get up, but when they're not in the picture, and even when they are sometimes, I just feel like there's no point in life. Like the second I graduate and we all go our separate ways, I'll be a nobody. I don't want to be a nobody." The way his voice trailed off, his eyes still shut as he spoke quickly under his breath. It ripped me to pieces. I could see a few tears falling from his eyes, running down his cheeks.
It all came out so quickly, I wasn't sure what to say. I wanted to help him, I really did, I just didn't know how to. My words might've consoled him for one night, or maybe 2 if we got lucky, but in 5 years when all of his best friends are scattered across the world for school and for traveling because there's only so much time in life, I couldn't be sure that my words would stick in his mind and give him solace.
My hands moved up to his shoulders, then his back as I pulled him into a tight hug just like the one we'd shared in the bathroom, "Oh, Taehyun. I know it's hard, I know the impending doom you feel, but listen to me. If these guys love you as much as you think they do, which I can guarantee you that they do, you will never have to worry about losing them. Even if you guys all split up and go off to different places and colleges, you guys will always have each other to call after a rough night." I felt him loosen up around me, like he wasn't so tense anymore. Maybe my words had helped him, even if it was just a little bit.
"You know how to use your words." He laughed a little as he sniffled, pulling away from me to wipe his nose on his sleeve. I wanted nothing more than to hug him again and make all of his worries melt away into nothing more than popcorn butter.
I gently took his hand in mine, rubbing my thumb over his hand in my way of comforting him, "You will be just fine, I promise. You will always have me, even if for some reason they leave you, I'll always be here." I tried not to sound too corny, but that didn't matter too much. It's hard to have these serious conversations without sounding corny. But, sometimes, that's the only way to get your message across.
"I'm exhausted!" Kai yelled as he ran out of the bathroom, his face soaking wet. He walked over to us looking like a zombie. I dropped Taehyun's hand.
"Why is your face wet?" I took a step back in worry he was going to drip the water on me.
"Movie theater water on your face, hot or cold, doesn't wake you up any more than school water." He yawned as Taehyun and I giggled, Kai lifting the bottom of his shirt to wipe his face off. The other two guys walked out almost simultaneously.
Yeonjun and Soobin met us by the wall too, "You guys ready to go?"
"Yeah! The movie was great! I really liked when..." The words they said went right through my head. In one ear and out the other as I trailed behind the 4 of them slowly. I watched as they passed down the empty bag of popcorn and the empty cup down the line until it got to Soobin who tossed it into the trash can. Their actions, so perfectly in sync, were hypnotizing in a way.
When we walked outside, my eyes finally ripped away from them and looked up at the star filled sky. My eyes were glued to the moon. I could've sworn I saw myself. Myself up in the moon, all by myself like I used to be.
Beomgyu in the moon, alone.