I opened the door to my room, immediately acknowledging that the light was on, though dim but still enough for me to recognise the presence of someone.
Joyce.
What was she doing in my room?
The door wasn't locked and the question of how she made it in never crossed my mind but.... Why was this preteen cousin in here?
And, why was she checking on my phone while it charged? Had she acquired it now that I was no more to the real world?
I doubted.
I couldn't think that my mum or any other of my ‘family’ members could allow a child of her age to possess the gadget. As the confusion of her presence continued its wave, I stood still and watched her oblivious meanwhile she tapped on the device's screen like the smartphone amateur she was.
Either, she was heading to the bathroom after here or she came to check on whatever with the phone after her shower.
I wasn't sure.
The towel wrapped around her petite figure led my unconcluded idea. The last time I'd seen her, she had no braids. I should have asked myself whether she was a grown woman now but.... I just couldn't do that.
My chest only and urgently needed to know why she was in my room and what she was doing with my phone. The way she touched on it as if nervous that any time she would be found made me think that she'd probably sneaked in to check on something she would be battered for for trying to search.
For all the time I stilled to see her do her thing, she never looked up from the screen.
I don't fathom how everything went back to the darkness of deep sleep in which I had no other sweven to roll with.
When the profound unconsciousness progressed to the slumber state, the brief event that included the lass popped back into my memory.
‘Joyce?...What was Joyce doing in my dream?’
I opened my eyes.
First reaction.
‘Joyce. Hah.’
She was one of my countless cousins who'd visited mum for Christmas prior to my demise. I'd died a few months after she'd gone back to the village after a very hard plea from all parties concerned. I played no part in the negotiations because I didn't want to be friendly with the minor for whom I'd begun developing feelings. I was sixteen years older than the child and according to societal norms, Roma couldn't be involved with Joyce in any intimate manner.
I respected that and tried my best to avoid her as much as possible during her maiden visit. The typical me had processed the urge to touch her abnormally but fortunately or unfortunately, the pressure came at a time when I could contain it.
She survived becoming a victim of my paedophilia.
‘Joyce...You would have fucked her hole man! This was a dream for God's sake!’ I rolled my eyes at my mind's advice, still facing the roughness of the ceiling. This drift into dreamland had also probably turned out to be short-lived. Otherwise, why would I have woken up still facing the top wall? I couldn't even know how sleep stole me.
‘It is what it is man. Good enough you've managed to meet a darling that I see you missed so much.’
‘Shut up.’ I internally drawled, the thoughts of the little girl crawling back to my fore-thinking zone. ‘What was she doing in my dream?’ I frowned as I shifted to sit.
‘Oh dear. I can't believe you're still so naive. The chick came to you so you could 'touch her abnormally' like you'd wished before she left! And you couldn't see that?! Your urges were even pushing you to go to her and 'punish' her for being in your room and playing with your damn phone dude! I bet if we'd gotten hold of that device we would be having it here with us now!’
‘Oh Lord. So I wasted an opportunity?’
‘Next time better but I don't know when that will be. You got to work harder on your wishes. Otherwise, I don't think you'll be able to fulfil them when you don't push to get ahold of the fantasies.’ I shrugged, huffing.
Looking down, I contemplated the statement I'd just created in my head.
At the same moment, I felt a hesitation within my chest.
Was this worth? Having swevens with my wishes on golden plates and silver spoons?
‘Talk about my phone... I may really need it. But... I don't think I can have my fingers dipped into Joyce's honeypot.’ I shook my head and glanced at the opposite wall.
‘Roma, this is a dream. You ain't touching anybody physically!’
‘But I have a feeling that I am. These dreams aren't just illusions. If I am dead and this is my soul that is touring places and doing shit, I'm pretty sure I just met Joyce in my room! Who knows? Mum might have felt lonely and decided to invite her over to occupy my room.’
‘Okay. You might be right but which parent would allow their child to occupy a room where someone died?!’ My palms flew to my face, rubbing it briefly before abandoning it for the softness of the mattress.
‘It's possible. Everything is possible in this situation. I might feel like I died yesterday but when we get back to the real world, I died some good time ago. Probably months.’
‘So, there's a possibility that Joyce is home, though we ain't sure of whether she's a big girl now.’
‘You know big girl vaginas smell sexier.’
‘Oh!...Okay,...’ I brought my digits closer to my nostrils only to smell nothing.
‘So, now that confirms my theory that you didn't touch anyone physically!’
‘I remember not touching anyone in any way. So, that's just stupid of me trying to smell my fingers for a confirmation.’
‘Plus, it's your soul touring places. Not your flesh. Heh, I'm using your theories to defeat your intelligence.’
‘It doesn't really matter.’
‘It does.’
‘How?...Why?’
‘If I beat you using your own theories, that means I can beat you better with my own.’
‘Oh... Okay. We'll see about that. I believe I too can have my revenge...and beat you with your own theories.’
‘Our theories. We're one person. Don't forget that.’ I pointed my index finger to the space in front of me.
‘Hmm. It seems you're running away from the battle.’
‘Are you tryna say that I'm running away from you? From us?... Do you want to die?’
‘I've always wanted to die and I believe I died. It's just that I'm yet to prove that.’
‘Oh Lord, here comes your death tantrums again.’ I simultaneously roll my eyes and look up at the cave's ceiling briefly.
‘Don't worry. Soon or later, you'll know where you stand. Actually, you know a bit but you'll know more to clear your confusion. You talked about your soul roaming places and that's true. You're dead in as many aspects as possible. If I may ask you something, do you prefer being dead?’ I sigh slightly, glancing at the wall opposite.
‘I feel alive and with that you would know what I would tell you. It's in my dreams where I feel like a soul. A free soul. I'm thinking the short visit to my home district only to find my mum in sorrow says something significant. I think I'm dead, after all. And, I wouldn't have any problem being a free soul cause you know what I want. I want freedom.’
A silent laughter of scorn escaped my nose holes. ‘Freedom. It's ironic how we talk about it yet we seem to have achieved it.’
‘But we're in a cave dammit.’
‘But, there are times when we're free. When we're dreaming. Even now, when we're thinking. Aka daydreaming. Just think of something you wanna do and will yourself to do it. You'll find yourself up to the task without asking for the permission of whoever. Have you come across anyone in this cave who stops you from touring it for instance?’
I let out a sigh. ‘I think I'm dead, Roma. If I can wake up in a different spot from the one in which I fall asleep in this case, then what more do I need to get convinced that am no longer part of the physical world?’
‘There's still more for you to discover and conclude. Have you considered sleepwalking as a possibility in this case?’
‘Come on,... I failed to find a way back to the upper chamber of this cave when I was sober...and..you believe I sleepwalked to succeed?’
‘Everything is a possibility my dear. Remember that?’
‘Wow. Okay. So, I just have to accept things the way they are and groove on?’
‘I suppose the better. Otherwise, you're going to get a headache over this confusion. Just be what you're now. Whether kidnapped or dead, you don't want to have a problem with any of that. Actually with anything. The problem is only in your head and it'll spread to your soul and other senses the more you keep it that way. So, complain a little and move on.’
‘Aaaa... Mr Guardian. Is that you playing with my head?’
No reply.
So I only nodded, my mind half-acknowledging the possibility that the old man was here with me all the time, and not only in my dreams.
‘Or could it be Phantom?’
Another scoff. ‘He'll probably only do one thing...try to suck your soul.’
‘I know,’ I smirked. ‘He would serve better sucking my dick.’
‘Or sucking at your ass.’ My hole flinched on the spot to the statement.
‘Or both.’
‘Clever head I got atop of me. I don't know if Mr Guardian is part of this conversation but whatever it is, it is what it is. I'll believe what I wanna. Now that I'm free.’
‘So, what was Joyce doing in our dream?’ I shift off the bed, my feet touching the cool tiled floor.
‘Forget about that one. She's just gonna lead us into more confusion on whether we're dead or not.’
‘I think I need that confusion. I'll need it to get my brain tired so that I can sleep again. Otherwise, I don't see a way forward whilst I'm awake unless I want to tour myself into more unwanted traps.’
‘Do you have a choice?’
‘Oh yes I do. I want to fall asleep and dream.’
‘I have a feeling the confusion alone won't be enough for your fatigue.’
‘That's your feeling. I feel otherwise. If I wanna leave this place and go somewhere else, I'll get myself moving but not now. I don't know what I might encounter in the next trap.’
‘You're caring too much again. What did I tell you about overthinking?’
‘I don't remember anything you told me. And that's why I'm doing it again and again. Why don't you let me be?’
‘You mean why I shouldn't let you die?’
‘Damn you and your death. After all, there might as well be death where you want me to go.’
‘Trust me, you won't die. You're already dead.’
‘Hmm.’
‘I don't know what happened to your 'I don't care how many times I die' slogan. It was quite impressive.’
‘The slogan died.’ I couldn't resist myself from the quiet and short laughter that I offered to the wall next to me. I'd even been feeling its roughness under my palms but since I was so absorbed into the conversation with the inner me, I barely noticed my actions.
“The slogan died.” I repeated that with my lips, a soundless tone careful not to wake anything.
Not even the walls themselves.
I nodded along with the statement, my hands soothing the rock as I absent-mindedly relished in the feel of slight and comfortable coldness.
Whilst I did that, I started moving, towards the front but I swiftly paused to ask myself what I was doing and why I was doing it.
‘Does this place hold some sort of magic to it? Something that lures one to make involuntary movements?’ I wondered. ‘So, where am I leading to? I mean, I don't even feel bad about this.’ I referred to my sudden motion. ‘I feel like there's something behind these walls... something powerful.’ I made another step forward, my left palm still exploring the roughness beneath.
‘Roma stop!’ Quickly, I responded with a jerk of my hand off the wall. ‘Dammit, what's going on? I thought you didn't want to explore the cave at this moment. Or have you changed your mind?’
‘Probably... Definitely. I think so. Otherwise I wouldn't be so comfortable going on.’
‘Aaa..you. This...is not easy to understand but hey, you can go ahead. If you're comfortable. And I can see how interested you're in this. We'll see what will unfold.’
‘Are you cursing me?’
‘Whatever you think that it is.’ I rolled my eyes, my hand stopping midway in hesitation of touching the rock once more. I should have tied the reason for my behaviour to instinct but also, there was definitely something calling unto me to keep in contact with the wall and walk to wherever it guided me.
‘Do you have a choice?’
I thought.
I wanted to think through this question so that I could come up with an unshakable answer.
‘An unshakable answer.’ The inner me stated with a tone of contempt.
‘Yeah. I want to have a concrete choice so that in my next move, I'm sure of what I'm going for. Not just falling into unplanned traps every now and then.’
‘Oh... I thought adventure works with mystery and not certainty.’
‘I want to change that a little bit...for my case.’
‘Hmm...have you ever been in control of your dreams?’
‘If I remember well, there are some in which I wielded my purpose.’
‘So you want it for all? Or most?’
‘I think most.’ I looked up into the darkness above, at a point where the endless height of the wall disappeared into the lightless zone. How I'd touched the wall again, I could tell not. I glanced around to see if I'd made further movement with my legs but it looked like I hadn't locomoted yet.
‘But definitely not this one. I see you're so attached to the cave wall and it looks like you have no choice other than doing that.’
My eyes were silently called back to look up into the zero illumination upper abyss, as I wondered how that part was absolutely dark whilst the ceiling directly facing my bed was at least visible with the trivial light.
‘Probably, there's no ceiling or the ceiling here is very far to the extent that this 'trivial' light can't reach its surface.’ I pouted, deciding to take my attention off the black area that could perhaps suck me into its occupancy.
‘Your next dream might take you there. For I see you've paid a lot of attention to that area. And, with a super being probably inviting you to do things like touching this wall, the chances are high you might end up there. Keep walking.’
I subtly shook my head, the confusion getting onto me like a choice-less dude.
What choice did I have?
Everything was happening with little or no control from my contribution. Perhaps, I was a puppet in this. When the invisible strings pulled me towards the cave corner, there I went with as little resistance as possible.
What choice did I have?
I never had Joyce in the recently concluded sweven. I only watched as she unawarely panicked with my phone. Probably, it wasn't mine anymore and the lass might not have been unconscious of her surroundings. Though it'd looked like she was.
Everything,
In the dreams,
Was possible.
I couldn't claim a full percentage of my claims.
I had a choice.
But, I didn't want it.
Perhaps.
If I'd wanted Joyce, I would have run into her and punished the girl with any option that would cross my mind at that moment. Actually, I would have done something to her when she'd visited before my death.
Cause I was really pulled to her.
Just like I was to the cave wall.
Just like I was to other cute and slim preteen babes. Regardless of who they were to me.
I had choices,
But, since I was a cowardice prince or whatever the position anyone would choose to accord me, I probably didn't want them.
This major trap of dream after dream in a place I'd never been in my life was unwanted but...
I had a choice in children, but not the common choice. I had a choice in children but I never wanted them. The same was the case for Joyce.
And she wasn't the first one.