Mika
I traveled.
Ilang buwan na din mula nung simulan ko. After my last encounter with Rachel, I decided to save myself from pain.
I chose Europe para malayo sa lahat.
From her
From our friends
And everything or everyone that reminds me of her.
I finally realize how unfair it was to me. How they laughed at me, mocked me for the pain I was feeling just because I can't move on.
They didn't understand.
Sinubukan ko namang kalimutan, sinubukan kong palitan.
But it was just so hard.
I am boarding the train here in Venice going to Milan. I took my phone to prepare taking pictures of the station and also the scenery later, nang may bigla na lang bumagsak sa may tabi ko.
"Oh my gosh I'm so sorry." Panic na sabi ng babae, checking if I was hurt or injured. "I got off balance cause my foot got tangled with the chair. I'm really sorry."
"It's ok. I'm not hurt." Nginitian ko na lang siya.
She look at her ticket then check the seat number.
"We're seatmates!" She settled on the seat in front of me. She smiled at me like she's some ball of sunshine. "I'm Vien."
"Mika"
"Hi, Mika" she looked at me with joy tapos nag simula na siya mag salita.
I just stared at her, wondering if ok lang ba siya. Being talkative to stranger.
"Pardon, I just talk a lot when I'm excited."
"Ok lang- I mean it's ok."
Nanlaki naman ang mata niya nang marinig ako.
"Oh my gosh, Filipino ka din?"
I nodded and she smiled brightly, I thought she could light the whole train car with that.
"You're sad." Biglang sabi niya. Tinaasan ko naman siya ng kilay. "I mean, your eyes looks sad."
"Maybe I am." I replied.
Tinitigan niya ako nang matagal. Medyo na conscious ako. I hovered the book I was holding sa mukha ko. "Do you have plans in Milan? Can I accompany you?" Tanong niya.
"I don't have any plans in particular. Wh-"
"I'm an invasive specie." She grinned at me.
I just sighed. I didn't argue. Feeling ko she's going to suck the life out of me if I did.
Natawa na lamang din ako remembering the moment I met Rachel.
I was the invasive one. I was hella annoying at some point, but she never frowned. She always gave that lovely smile of hers.
Tangina, Rachel nanaman naiisip ko.
*****
"You should try this." Alok sa akin ni Vien nang kinakain niyang pasta alfredo.
"When you said you're an invasive specie, I didn't expect that you're going to invade my personal space too."
"Hey, cohabitation para makatipid. Saka double bed naman. And I don't bite." Depensa niya.
"I can pay for your room."
"I can pay for my own. Let's just be practical please."
"Alam mo kung masamang tao ako, you'd be in great danger"
"But you're not"
I stopped arguing. Parang mauubusan ako ng lakas at tatakasan ng katinuan. I can't compete with her energy.
We went out for the day para mag sight seeing. I became her photographer. Why did I resigned to such fate?
"It's fun pag may kasama di ba?" Masaya niyang sabi pagkapasok namin sa hotel room.
Tumango na lang ako dahil maglilista siya ng pros and cons if I don't agree.
"Let's celebrate girlfriend." Sabi niya habang tumatawa at naglabas ng isang bote ng vodka. Binuksan na niya iyon at nagsalin sa baso.
"That's just for a show kanina." Pag kontra ko.
She got hit on by some italian dude kasi kaya sinabi niyang may relasyon kami para tumigil.
Inabutan niya ako ng isang baso na halos umapaw na. I'm a light weight. But hindi naman siguro masama kung iinom ako ng konti.
"What do you think of me? Isang araw pa lang tayo magkasama pero siguro naman may impression ka sa akin no?" She's already tipsy.
"Para kang tumor." Nanlaki ang mata niya. "A benign tumor - harmless, non cancerous but sometimes annoying."
"Iniisip ko kung tatanggapin ko yan as a compliment or maiinsulto ako." Nakatitig siya sa akin.
"I'm just being honest." I shrugged.
Tumahimik naman na siya. Inubos ko lang yung isang baso at nagsabi na maghihilamos na ako. Sumunod naman siya after ko. By 10pm ay lights out na kami sa kwarto.
"Girlfriend pwede makitabi?" Bulong niya.
"Takot ka ba sa multo?" Tanong ko.
"No, I, bigla ko kasi naalala yung pag grab nung lalaki sa braso ko."
I made space for her. It is pretty traumatic if a bulky guys grab you anyway. Tumabi siya sa akin and we're shoulder to shoulder.
"Have you ever kiss someone?" Tanong niya after niya makahiga.
"I do.
"I never experienced being kissed. Conservative kasi parents ko so any relationship hanggang holding hands at kiss sa cheeks lang." Kwento niya.
I just nodded kahit di ko alam kung nakita ba niya. I have a feeling pero ayoko mag assume.
"Pwede ba akong mag request?" Bumaling siya sa akin.
"Basta kaya ko."
"Can you kiss me? Can you be my first kiss?"
I was so confused. This girl really don't have any sense of damger noh?
"Please..." I felt her hand on my cheek.
Why am I being drawn in? What does she have that others don't? We're supposed to be strangers still.
Pero pano pala kung siya yung masamang tao? Edi parehas pala kaming walang sense of danger.
"Just one kiss."
"Just one"
We leaned in. I felt her hand move at the back of my neck. I found my own hand on her waist instinctively.
Strawberries
Her lips taste like strawberries.
When she pulled me on top, I didn'teven attempt to pull away. Am I taking advantage? Or she's taking advantage? Maybe both.
"Will it be bad if I would want more?" Bulong niya while breathing deep.
Is it the alcohol? Hindi ko na alam. I don't have an excuse when I leaned in for another one. I heard her moan and it kind off fueled something inside of me. I traced kisses on her cheeks down to her neck.
"More" she whispered. "Kiss me more."
*****
I woke up with the light tapping on my cheeks.
"Masarap naman mahiga with your arms wrapped around me kaya lang I need to use the restroom. Naiihi na ko."
I suddenly loosened my hold. I didn't know siya pala ang yakap ko. My cheeks felt like burning.
"Good morning, girlfriend" bati niya paglabas ng CR.
"What happened last nigh-"
"Was amazing!" Pagputol niya sa kung ano man ang sasabihin ko. "Ang galing mo pala humalik. Yung kiss lang na upgrade to make out session. Pero ok lang kasi masarap ka naman humalik."
Namula naman ang mukha ko. She's pretty vulgar. "Medyo pasmado bibig mo no?"
"Hoy, honest review yun."
I was about to retort when she gave me a peck.
"Chill ka lang, I mean, it was you who left a hickey here." Turo niya sa collar bone niya.
"That was a spur of the moment."
"Ok lang, may concealer naman ako. But you have to grant one more request in the future." She grinned.
I just looked at her.
"Wag ka mag alala hindi pa naman ngayon. Masyado pang maaga."
"You really are an invasive specie."
"Benign naman ako don't worry."
Tumayo na ako at nagpunta sa CR. Should I enjoy this moment? Tama ba if I do?
Fuck it, we only live once.
*****
I guess the kissing escapade burned down the barrier that I surrounded to protect myself. How gullible for me to trust someone na kakakilala ko pa lang nung isang araw.
"We're like speed dating no? Kakakilala lang natin tapos ngayon nag kikiss na tayo." She giggled pagkaupo sa tabi ko.
I feel like she could read my mind.
"Stop announcing it out in the open." Reklamo ko.
"Actually nope, we made out. Remember you traced kisses here and left hickeys here."
I averted my eyes when she started tracing her fingers over the skin my lips actually touched.
"Ang tense mo naman. Kulang ka ba sa harot? We can try here."
Pinandilatan ko siya. For real, she's being so loud.
"I'm just kidding. Just relax girlfriend." She giggled and leaned on me. Iniyakap niya ang braso ko sa kanya to be more comfortable.
Hinilamos ko nalang ang kamay ko sa aking mukha aggressively.
Bakit ba ako nagtitiis? I could just leave her. Why am I letting myself get wrapped around her fingers?
I felt stiff after an almost 24hrs travel habang nakaupo sa train. It's also midnight.
"I rented a small house in advance. Let's go girlfriend." Hinila niya ako para sumakay kami ng taxi.
She didn't left any room for me to argue.
We arrived in a modest beach house.
"I slept like a baby. Sorry to make you uncomfortable." She looks genuinely apologetic kaya tinanguan ko na lang.
"A massage would be a good apology. May alam ka ba na spa dito?" Sabi ko at ibinaba yung gamit ko.
"Wag ka na lumayo. I studied reflexology." She grinned. "Let's wash up then I'll massage you."
I wash up fast. Ang lamig ng tubig and hindi ko ma figure out kung paano gamitin yung heater.
"Ang bilis mo naman. Hubad ka na."
I was shocked with how bold she is. I know my face is beat red.
"Hoy, I'm not going to smear oil on your shirt. Mahirap mag laba. Saka mas good kung direct to skin. Di naman kita hihipuan promise. Di pa naman ako desperada."
"Can you at least turn around?" I pulled my shirt up at dumapa na sa kama. "Saka saan naman galing langis mo? Do you just bring that around?"
I could hear some rustling kaya napatingin ako sa kanya and she was also removing her shirt.
"What the hell?!"
"What?! I just want to make you comfortable. Since naka topless ka din."
"Your logic is reall-"
"Unique" she giggled before straddling my back. "Don't worry, girlfriend, this benign tumor won't kill you." I groaned.
"Physically you won't pero lokang loka na ako sayo"
"Sush. Please be quiet"
But I may have moaned in satisfaction when she started gliding her hand.
"Sleepwell girlfriend"
*****
I woke up well. Hindi ko alam kung anong oras na. Until she barge in and told me na oras na para mamasyal.
We spent the first three days going everywhere.
"I'm spent. Ayokong gumalaw ngayong araw." Sabi ko sa kanya. Pagod na pagod na ako kakagala.
She giggled and I felt her sit beside me. "Ang baby mo."
Dumapa naman ako and tried sleeping again when I felt her lips on my nape.
"What are you doing?" Tanong ko.
"Trying my luck if I could score another kiss today."
Inayos ko ang sarili ko at naupo, leaning on the headboard.
"Why do you like kissing me?" She did kept kissing my cheeks the last few days. It's harmless kaya pinabayaan ko na lang siya.
"Kasi masarap ka humalik." Her honesty always left me speechless.
She straddled me and leaned close. For someone who has conservative parents, she is very bold.
"You can push me away anytime." She leaned in and kiss me.
I returned it. I even held her waist and pulled her closer.
"I'm moving on from a failed relationship." Sabi ko sa kanya when we pulled away to breathe. "I'm afraid I am using you to forget, unconsciously."
"Then use me. Not like I'm not doing the same, although different reason. Amanos lang tayo." She answered before pulling her shirt up kaya napalunok ako. "Mainit"
"Vien, oh my gosh. Can you please be discreet."
She laughed. "Mainit nga kasi! Like literally. Tapos dadagdagan mo pa" she winked.
We ended up making out and I may have explored upstairs too.
When evening rolled out, we ate the steak our landlady gave us. She's a middle age woman who actually treats us like grandchildren.
"Girlfriend, naalala mo may isa pa akong request."
"Ano nanaman yan, Vien"
"Can you grant it now?"
"Anong request mo?"
"Be my first"
I almost choke on the water I was drinking. "Are you serious?" I know I'm blushing mad.
"I am" she answered determined.
"Why me?"
"Hindi ko din alam. Basta komportable ako sayo."
I'm torn.
Is this the right thing to do?
She kissed me. And I saw my rationality and common sense went out the door. I carried her to the bedroom.
And things happened between us.
*****
"The person who you're moving on from, first love?" Tanong niya as we lay together.
"Yes. My every first" She nuzzled my neck and gave it a kiss.
"Mine too."
I didn't pry. Just like how she doesn't with mine. That's one thing I liked despite this crazy fuck adventure.
*****
"What are we?" Tanong ko. We're walking around the beach.
It has been three days since her first and we did let loose around each other.
"Friends"
I looked at her confused.
"Do you want an official label?" Tanong niya pabalik.
I weighed it on my mind. And concluded that I am definitely not ready for anything serious "Nah, pass. I feel like a glass and would be broken as soon as people touched my soul. They'll see pieces put back together"
"We can be friends, friends with benefits, fubu.. we can be whoever we want to be with each other." She faced me and smile. "I'm attracted to you in so many ways. But as I thought it over I concluded that it is not love."
She's a breathe of fresh air. I feel free when I am with her.
"Let's go to Amsterdam." Pag aya ko.
"Out of the way yan."
"I don't want to follow a route. For ones I want to be ramdom." Sabi ko. "Be a friend for a while Vien."
"Oh, you called me by my name." She smiled. "Pero nung nag ano tayo I think you called my name too pero di ako sure."
"Bawasan mo nga yang pasma ng bibig mo."
"Pikon ka girlfriend. Kiss na lang kita." She jumped on my back and kiss my cheeks.
*****
We traveled kinabukasan. By train and good thing it is only about 12 hours of travel.
She slept through it.
"I'll massage you na lang pagdating natin sa hotel." Yun ang sabi niya bago ako gawing cushion.
We arrived around evening kaya nag check in kami sa hotel tapos bumama para kumain sa restaurant for dinner.
We spent the day museum hopping. Ang siste ay nag rent siya ng bike at ako ang pinag pedal habang angkas ko siya.
I was so tired nag aya na ko bumalik ng hotel after the foirth museum.
"Ang weak mo girlfriend." Nag pout siya.
"Kung ikaw kaya mag pedal tapos ako angkas." Inirapan ko siya at tinawanan lang ako.
Agad akong nahiga sa kama and she proceeded to knead my calves.
"Namaga yata mangga mo. Can you remove your pants so I can knead better?" Sabi niya at tumalikod sa akin.
I did what I was told, naka cycling naman ako. Tinakip ko na lang din yung kumot sa bewang ko.
"Shy type yan. Ilang beses ko naman na nakita lahat yan." She laughed at kinuha uli ang hita ko.
Binato ko naman siya ng unan. For someone who just had her first few days ago, maharot siya. Magaling din manlandi. O baka kasi nagpapalandi na lang din ako.
"Ano plano mo puntahan after Amsterdam?" Tanong ni Vien as she works on my leg.
"Baka umuwi na ko ng Pinas. Baka maubos na din naman yung baon kong pera." Sagot ko sa kanya.
"Gusto ko pumunta sa North America. Mag road trip from Miami to LA. Dumaan sa lahat ng city na possible." Sabi naman niya. "I guess we're parting ways."
I felt a bit sad. She may be a tumor at first but I guess she kind of grew on me.
"Wag ka malungkot ah." Sabi niya as she straddles me.
She grinned. Of course I know what she wants so I pull her and switch our position.
*****
"Sabi mo wag ako malungkot pero ikaw tong umiiyak ngayon." I hugged her nakakahiya na kasi pinagtitinginan na din kami ng mga ibang tao sa airport.
"Wala man lang ako mabigay sayo as parting gift."
"We follow each other on social media." Sabi ko, tapos may bigla akong naalala. "And also some deep scratch mark from last night."
Kinurot niya ako. Now she knows yung pakiramdam ko pag inaasar niya ako.
"Dapat siguro dagdagan mo yung hickey sa leeg ko."
Gusto ko siya itulak palayo at mag board na sa flight ko. Tumawa naman siya at hinatak ako sa gilid.
"Joke lang. Pero girlfriend. Can you give me one last kiss before we part ways?"
I look down to her and leaned in. We kissed, slow and deep.
"Bye girlfriend"
"Bye tumor"
Sinuntok niya ako and I pulled her for a last hug and chuckled a bit.
"Goodbye, Vien"
"Bye Mika"
It was one of the easiest walk I made despite being attached to her.
I'm thankful for her.
I left with a smile on my face.
*****
Rachel
After our goodbyes I suddenly felt the emptiness. I'm sad and I miss her. I tried going to her home pero wala siya dun. Hindi ko rin alam anong purpose kung bakit gusto ko siya makita uli when we already parted ways for good.
I tried talking casually about her nung huli kaming mag get together. Pero mukhang wala naman siya pinagsabihan kung nasaan siya or kung anong ginagawa niya.
"Oh Rachel, hija, kamusta ka na?" Bati sa akin ng mommy niya nang magkasalubong kami sa mall.
"Hi po tita. Mabuti naman po ako."
She smiled at me. "Akala ko kasama ka ni Mika. Sabi eh, magbabakasyon daw siya sa Europe. Ano ba tawag dun? Backpacking trip?"
Tita talked to me casually. Siguro ay hindi na sinabi ni Mika sa kanya yung detalye ng nangyari sa amin kahit sobrang horrible ng ginawa ko sa kanya. She never speaks ill of anyone really.
Nagkwentuhan pa kami saglit ni tita. I tried fishing out for some information pero kahit sa kanila daw hindi naman madalas nag uupdate si Mika. Mag message lang daw kung nasaan siya.
"She's in Venice last time. Ewan ko kung anong city susunod. Sasabihin lang nun pag paalis na siya kung saang lugar siya nag stay. Parang timang."
I chuckled. "Sige po, tita. Mauuna na rin po ako."
"Sige, hija. Welcome ka naman sa bahay anytime. Mag-iingat ka. Pag dumalaw ka, iluluto ko paborito mo"
"Maraming salamat po. Ingat rin po kayo."
*****
"Nag Europe tour pala ang mokong." Sabi ni Ara habang nag dinner kaming magkakaibigan.
I knew she went to travel. Nanahimik na lang ako kasi pakiramdam ko, ako ang dahilan ng paglayo ni Mika sa lahat.
"Paano mo naman nalaman?" Tanong ni Ria.
"Tinawagan niya ako nung may lay over siya sa Singapore. Nagtatanong si mokong kung anong gusto kong pasalubong." Sagot naman nito.
I felt relieve nang malaman kong ok naman siya. I want to see her.
Tumayo naman si Ara bigla. "Shit. Ngayon pala uwi ni Mika. Akala ko bukas pa." Tatawa-tawa niyang sambit at kinapa kapa ang bulsa. "Ay double shit, ngayon ko pala iniwan yung kotse para sa maintenance" tumawa siya ulit at napakamot nalang sa ulo.
"Car's in casa as well. Binunggo ni Cait sa kung saan" Beatriz said nonchalantly.
"Grabe ka! I told you, iniwasan ko yung aso" Cait pouted.
"Yeah, right. Doesn't matter. Okay ka, yun ang mahalaga" Beatriz smiled. That kind of smile we all missed after getting her heart broken.
"Te, anong oras na. Baka sakalin ako ni Mika"
"Not my problem. Sayo naman nagpasundo"
"Let's go" wika ko. They both gave me that look."I won't talk. Don't mind me. Driver lang ako. You should hop in to welcome your friend. Tara na"
Sinundo namin si Mika sa airport, I stayed in my seat as they welcomed her.
Her hair now long enough to be tied.
Cindy stayed in the passenger seat, she was looking at me na para bang may hinahanap siya sa mukha ko.
"What?"
"Wala lang, let's talk some other time. Baka maputol lang pagsakay nila eh"
I chuckled. "Mamaya, paghatid natin sa kanila. Hiramin muna kita sa asawa mo"
They entered my vehicle and Mika immediately gave Cindy a kiss on her cheeks. Happily greeting her before looking at me. She just noticed I was the one driving.
"Hey. Welcome home."
She was surely shocked.
"Sorry, nasa casa both cars namin ni Beatriz. I forgot" singit ni Ara.
"Nah, it's fine. Thanks, Chel."
I nodded and drove to her condo. They all stayed there, well except me and Cindy. Sabi ko kay Ara ay ibabalik ko nalang siya sa kanila. Ang bruha nagrequest pang daanan siya para hindi na daw mamasahe.
"Sorry, Ara is a cheapskate sa mga ibang bagay" sabay tawa ni Cindy. "Saan tayo?"
"Dito lang din. Coffee?"
"Can't. Baka hindi ako makatulog. Pero we can go sa coffee shop near here. Order nalang ako ng non-coffee."
Marami namang coffee shop near Mika's place kaya hindi na kami nahirapan pang maghanap. Dun ko siya dinala sa paborito kong tambayan kapag na bored ako mag-isa sa unit ni Mika. Naupo kami at agad naman din siyang uminom sa kanyang inumin.
"Masarap" sabay tango niya. "Kumusta ka naman?"
"I'm good, Ci. I haven't really talked about this. I want to be honest. I really didn't mean to keep people in the dark sa break up namin ni Mika. But she wanted that peace." Huminga ako nang malalim at uminom din sa aking hot coffee. "She wanted a bride, I was making my own name"
"Rachel Swift naman pala ang peg sa Midnights" she chuckled, I nodded. "So, as a career woman, you chose work?"
"Not exactly. I was struggling on my own."
*****
"Pwede bang umalis ka nalang?" Tanong ko kay Mika.
Words I have been trying so hard not to spill.
Words I had kept in my throat because I know I do need her.
But I can't burden her anymore.
I am a wreck.
I can't even pick myself up.
I can't be too selfish.
I don't want to drain the life out of her.
"Rad" concern was very evident in her shaking voice.
"Leave, Mika"
She continued picking the bottles of alcohol that I've left around since I don't know when.
Even my house is a mess.
I can't function well.
I am on the verge of leaving work, pero hindi ko magawa dahil ang dami kong babayaran.
I can't let Mika do everything for me.
I can't.
I started crying and I can't even pinpoint which exactly causes me to be like this.
Maybe everything.
Niyakap niya ako, at kahit gustong gusto ko siyang yakapin pabalik, paulit-ulit ko siyang tinulak palayo sa akin.
"Rad, may nagawa ba ako? Am I pressuring you because of that proposal? I mean, I get it, hindi ka pa ready. Okay lang naman."
I wanted to tell her na wala. Wala siyang ibang ginawa kundi intindihin ako, samahan ako at iparamdam sakin na kaya ko lahat—
Pero ayoko.
Ayokong ikulong si Mika because I am becoming toxic to her.
Konting kibot, konting inconvenience sa buhay ko ay halos sa kanya ko na ibunton.
Hindi ko alam kung bakit isang araw nagbago ang lahat. Parang kahapon lang ay siya ang aking pahinga—
Ngunit ngayon ay halos hindi na ako makahinga kapag nandyan siya.
I can't breathe due to the fact that I am the one suffocating her.
"Babe—" she sighed.
I sniffed hard. Everything was just too heavy. I got tired pushing her away.
Tinakasan na ata ako ng lakas kaya sinamantala niya iyon para yakapin ako nang mahigpit. Patuloy lang akong umiyak sa balikat niya.
Tangina, mahal na mahal ko 'tong taong 'to. How cruel the world can be that I can't co-exist with her at the moment?
People would be so fast to judge my choice, pero hindi naman sila yung nasa pwesto ko.
And seeing us like this, I don't like this. The idea of hurting Mika everyday unconsciously— fuck.
"You have me" paalala niya kaya lalo akong naiyak. But this time I hugged her back. "You have me as long as you want me, Miel"
"I am being unfair to you"
"Okay lang. Ikaw naman yan eh" sabay tawa niya.
I rested my head on her neck. "Mika, I'm sorry." I clutched her shirt. "I'm really sorry"
"Saan?"
"I need this. I need this break. I need to do this alone."
"Rad, if you want space— kaya ko naman ibigay yung space. But a break up?"
"Please"
Humiwalay siya sa akin. Nangingilid na rin ang luha sa kanyang mga mata na kung tingnan ako ay parang ako ang lahat sa kanya.
Lumunok siya at huminga nang malalim. "Rad," she pouted.
Ngumiti ako at hinawakan ang kanyang kamao. "I love you too much, Mika. I don't want you to get tired of me and my situation. I don't want you to hate me. Please give me this. For my own, for my growth— for my sanity"
Nag-aalangan siya, parehas umiiyak ang mga puso namin. I kissed her forehead at lalo naman siya naiyak.
Mika doesn't deserve the cold shoulders I am giving unconsciously.
Mika deserves the world.
But I can't be that person today, tomorrow or even the next month.
"Hindi ba pwedeng samahan kita sa pinagdadaanan mo? Wala kang ibang sinasabi sa akin, Rad. I am your girlfriend."
"I don't want to burden you anymore for now, Mika."
She sighed once more before asking me. "I am giving you space, Rad"
"No, Mika. It's longer than space. It's longer than a quick break. Mahal kita, alam mo yan. I need to build myself again. I can't love you more than I can, kung hindi ko matututunan mahalin ulit ang sarili ko. Kung ipipilit ko, I am afraid I won't be me anymore"
She sighed in defeat, I guess.
Hinawakan ko ang pisngi niya. "Magpapahinga lang tayo, mahal ko." I smiled. "It's not you"
Natawa siya at tumango. "Gasgas na yan. Pero dahil ikaw yan, maniniwala ako sayo. Maghihintay ako"
With tears flooding both our eyes, we kissed each other one last time for now.
I love you, were the words we kept to ourselves.
The days went by harder without you.
The nights felt colder without your hugs.
The room felt larger without your arm to sleep on.
Niloloko ko lang ata ang sarili ko.
Sa mga oras na nagbbreakdown ako, ikaw pa din ang gusto kong umalo sa akin.
Sa mga oras na gusto kong takasan lahat ng problema ko, ikaw pa din ang gusto kasama.
I was unfair to you, I am hoping that after all these chaos, I could still come back to you.
*****
Kwinento ko kay Cindy ang nangyari nung breakup namin, pati na din ang breakdown ni Mika. She didn't wait for me, and it's okay. Mahal niya pa din ako, but didn't want me in any way. It hurts how things turned out. It hurts even more that I have caused Mika so much pain.
"I was weak na hindi ko sila kayang pagsabayin."
"I don't blame her for breaking down. Alam mo kung gaano ka kamahal nung tao. But we're past that. So what's with that look you were giving her in the airport?"
I smiled. "Wala naman. I missed her. A lot. Pero can I barge into her life once more? Parang ang tanga kasi and I'm afraid I might hurt her more"
"I am not one to answer that, ate. I'm still rooting for you to get back. Pero it's Mika— and her feelings that should matter."
"You're right"
Binalikan namin si Ara and I said bye to Mika. Tho she stood up and gave me tangled things inside a paper bag.
"Pasalubong. Ipapabigay ko nalang sana ito some other time kaso andito ka naman na din, here"
"Thank you, Mika. I hope you rest well tonight"
She nodded.
"Bye, Ye. See you soon" paalam ni Ara.
*****
Mika
"Sandaleeeee" sigaw ko dahil kanina pa may nagdodoorbell. Sakalin ko siya eh. "Sabi ko sanda—li"
Great.
"What are you doing here?" Tanong ko kay Rachel.
She smiled. "Can I come in?" She then showed me a paperbag. "For you"
"For me? Hindi ko naman birthday"
"Silly. Welcome home dish" sabay tawa niya. "It's your favorite"
"How sure are you na paborito ko pa rin to?"
"Who knows, Mika. Who knows" again, she chuckled. "Sige. Hindi na pala ako papasok. Eat well. Bye!"
She held the knob at pinagsarhan ang sarili niya ng pinto.
Confused, I went to the dining table and opened it. I chuckled she actually gave me something I really do like.
Rice.
Gagi.
Don't let me catch you, Rachel Anne.
My doorbell rang once again kaya binuksan ko ulit.
"I was kidding. Here. Heto talaga yung niluto ko for you. Eat well. Byeeee" nilagay niya sa kamay ko ang isa pang paperbag at umalis na.
What has gotten into her mind lately?
Binuksan ko ang pinto and saw her getting in the elevator. Our eyes met at kinindatan lang ako before getting in.
*****
Rachel is a lot more confusing these days. She shows up sometimes with coffee, food and whichever she likes to bring.
Now she's here at may pasalubong daw from Japan.
"Rachel Anne" I called her which stopped her from walking.
Lagi nalang kasing may dinadaan dito but never really stopped.
"Come in, else ipapablock kita sa baba" sabi ko bago pa siya humindi.
Pumasok siya at pinaupo ko naman sa upuan.
I opened my fridge to see ano ba pwede ko ma-offer, luckily I still have leftover pizza kaya naman ininit ko yun at nilagay sa plato.
"Kain, bawal humindi"
"Thanks"
"Tell me, anong ginagawa mo?"
"Teka, kakagat muna ako" sabay tawa niya. "Wala lang, dumadalaw lang naman ako kapag namimiss kita"
Nabulunan naman ako bigla kaya inabot niya yung tubig.
"Excuse me?"
"You're excused"
I rolled my eyes. "Seryoso kasing tanong, Rachel Anne"
"Mika Aereen, it's the truth. I miss you" sabay iwas niya ng tingin. "To be honest, gusto kong suyuin ka. I want to do things for you. Gusto kong ligawan ka"
I laughed myself out loud. "What the fuck" naluha pa ako kakatawa. "Be serious"
"I am serious" she took another bite and smiled sheepishly.
"At kung ayoko?"
She shrugged. "Not stopping me from bringing you gifts and food. Pag pinablock mo ako sa baba, I'll still find a way, Ms. Mika Aereen."
"Pinapayagan kita"
"Really?"
Tumayo ako. "Ahuh at basted ka na" sabay tawa ko. And she rudely swing the throw pillow at my legs. "Hoy"
Her eyebrows were creased.
"What?" Tanong ko.
"I don't know how to put this, Mika. I want to do things for you. Gusto kong alagaan ka, gusto kong pagsilbihan ka. I want to, kasi mahal kita." My eyebrows meet at bago niya pa ako pagsalitain, she shush me. "Wait lang, ako muna" sabay tawa niya at huminga nang malalim. "Mika, I don't want an answer. I have not been the best version of myself lately— and it's not the successful me, not the boss Rachel— it was the version of me, when I am with you"
"You're too hung up on that, Rachel. I can't bring that version of you back, nor that version of me you want to be with. I am mad at you. I still am because I just can't let it go"
"I know. I'll let you be mad at me. But I will continue to try, Mika. This time, fuck them all. I'm choosing you"
"Ganun nalang? Pag gusto mo babalikan mo nalang?" I chuckled. "Do you want to suit your ego? Saying at least you tried?"
"No. Because at the end, I want to hold your hand. I want us and not just a mere at least I tried" she smiled, she's being patient with me. "Can I?" Her hands, a few inches away from mine. I nodded unconsciously, too late to realize kasi hawak niya na ang kamay ko. "Mika, if one day you can't breathe anymore because of me again, let me know. I'll stop and walk away from all this if you ask me to. Pero ngayon, please let me be. This is not me being out of choice, o kung ano man iniisip mo— I'm not chasing time— I'm chasing you, my love."
I'm still mad.
Really.
But—
Fuck it.
"Don't touch me."
Agad niya akong binitawan. "Sorry"
"You can do whatever you want, pero don't touch me without asking. I don't want to lash out on you. You're making my heart pound out of anger dahil sa mga sinabi mo. I'll let this slide. Do your thing. Whatever floats your boat. Kung ito makakatulong sayo. But if I decide to kiss or fuck anyone, you have to bare with that"
Her eyes clearly expressed pain. "Okay. Whatever you said, done deal. Thank you, Mika Aereen. I'll get going to give you fresh air. Thank youuuu"
Just like that, she's out of the door but back in my life.
Naupo ako ulit. Laughing at myself because I'm still hurting. Last time I check, I can't bare with the seemingly non-existent space between us, ngayon naman I want to see her.
"Ha, I should just go and call Vien"
*****