October 2024
"Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you!" Evie and I sang as Arthur opened the door to his hotel room. We made it to Austin to celebrate our birthdays. Just a few hours earlier I found out that I was pregnant, and for most of the train ride to Austin I cried like a baby because I didn't know what to do. I was so disappointed in myself, and we were trying to figure out what to do.
Of course I couldn't keep it. I was in no shape to take care of and raise a child. Especially not with Mateo. I also realized that I had to tell him, but I didn't really want to do it over the phone, so I realized I would have to go back to Spain the weekend after our celebrations and deal with it.
But I didn't want to tell anyone. The first thing I asked of Evie was to keep the news to herself. I didn't want anyone to know how badly I messed up. So I had to pretend like everything was fine while everyone else was around.
"You two took your sweet time," Arthur points out as he hugs Evie who walks first into his room. Then he looks at me and I hug him while congratulating him on his twenty-fourth birthday.
"One of our transfers got delayed," Evie lied. We missed it because I was crying in the bathroom at the train station.
"But we're here now!" I say, trying to sound as excited as possible, but I knew that my eyes were red and they were puffy, and I knew that Arthur noticed it the second he laid eyes on me. He didn't mention it though.
We caught up a little and Evie gave him his gift. She got him a really nice bottle of whiskey from Texas, which he seemed to like a lot even though he doesn't drink a lot, and especially not whiskey. But it's one of those things to have at home and save for nicer occasions.
Evie then went to see her brother, and I went to see my parents, which I had been dreading since I found out I was pregnant. Seeing them, even though they didn't know, was shameful enough. It's like I was worried that they would know somehow and be super disappointed in me. There's no way they'd find out. I wasn't showing, and I hadn't even noticed myself before today, so there's no way they would.
As soon as my mom opened the door, her smiling face fell, "chérie... es-tu malade ?" Dear... are you sick, she asked and put her hand on my face, and then on my forehead. I pushed her hands off of me and I walked past her.
"Merci, maman," I replied while rolling my eyes. "J'ai juste mal dormi," I just slept badly, I lied.
After that I got to greet them properly and my dad laughed at my mom's reaction. I spent some time with them before I went to my own room to get ready for dinner. I had to cover up my horrible looking face and make myself look a little normal so I wouldn't have to lie to more people.
Evie kept me company, because I didn't want to be alone. She was on my bed, looking through the photo album I put together of all of our photos. I added some little details, decorations and comments under each photo. I finished my makeup and then I took the outfit out that I was going to wear. I looked at the tight, strapless dress I had picked out before I found out. Of course it didn't feel like the right choice anymore.
I placed myself sideways in the mirror and I examined my body, especially my stomach. There wasn't more than just the slightest difference. A tiny, tiny little bump at the bottom of my stomach. It just looked like I was a little bloated. So I tried the dress on and I examined myself again. Then Evie noticed what I was doing.
"It's not even visible, C, you have nothing to worry about," She told me.
"My mom notices everything... so does Pascale... especially Pascale, she's like a hawk," I replied as I got a blazer out and put it on just in case.
"You're overthinking," She sighed as she turned the page in the album. I knew I was.
Charles and Arthur came knocking on my door before we went out for dinner. It was the first time I saw Charles since summer, but he seemed happier to see me this time around. Last time he didn't seem to enjoy my presence at all. So it felt nice to feel like we could at least be friendly again.
Madeleine was there too, and joined us for dinner. She seemed happy to see me as well, which felt nice. She was a nice girl, and we got along well last time we saw each other. Charlotte was there as well, so I talked a lot to them as we went out to eat and celebrate.
After appetizers, they wanted to make a toast and we got a bottle of champagne. I didn't know if it was just dangerous for the baby or also dangerous for me to drink alcohol. But I know that alcohol is particularly dangerous during the first trimester, so I immediately got a bit of a cold sweat. If I didn't drink it, maybe people would question it.
So I cheered, took the tiniest sip and then I put the glass down and pretended to forget about it for the rest of the dinner. It ended up being the only one left that wasn't empty by the time dessert was finished, and Arthur put it in front of me as a reminder that I had it. I shook my head and I put it in front of him as if asking him to finish it for me.
"J'ai tellement la gueule de bois que je ne peux littéralement pas boire ça," I'm so hungover I literally can't drink this, I whispered and he gave me one quick nod before quickly switching our glasses when no one saw it.
We took the same picture as we do every year, where our parents place Charles, Arthur and I next to each other and they take a picture. It's a whole collection of twenty four pictures.
I could barely sleep that night. Firstly because it was the first time in a long time I slept in a king bed all by myself. Evie had her own room. And even if I didn't share a bed with her a lot, I still always slept in the same room as her. If it wasn't with her, it was with Mateo, so being alone felt like drowning in the silence around me.
Then there was the obvious thing keeping me awake. It was so crazy to think that if I keep growing the cells in my body it will become a fully functioning human. It made me so scared to think. I knew too much about all the people who got a mental break because of pregnancy hormones, and somehow I was convinced that I would get that if I actually went through with it.
But in the hours since I found out, I've been noticing more and more symptoms. Like the fact that I go to the toilet as if I drink seven gallons every hour. Or the constant nausea. Though that might be from all the crying and all the emotions. Were my boobs getting bigger? They were definitely feeling off. Thinking about it, everything felt off. My whole body started to feel like someone else's body.
That first night after finding out that something was using my body to grow into a human, I had some existential crisis. I didn't want it there, and my body didn't even feel like a body anymore, it just started feeling like a shell.
Then all of a sudden the sun started to rise and I had barely slept at all. I was exhausted. I wanted to sleep for weeks, but I couldn't actually fall asleep. Every time I had been close to falling asleep, I had to pee, or I got really nauseous and wondered if it was worth running to the bathroom.
When the sun had risen, I gave up on sleeping and I got out of bed. I walked up to the curtains, feeling nauseous, tired and a bit moody, and I only managed to get one curtain up before I realized that I had a very limited time to get to the toilet so that I could vomit.
I vomited like a pig. I had tears running down my face and it felt like it was never ending. And as if my life was a joke to someone, the door to my room opened and I heard singing on the other side of the bathroom door. So I had to force myself to stop, I had to dry my face and pop in two mints into my mouth and then walk out there like nothing had happened.
And I walked out to my parents, Pascale and the brothers standing there, looking around the room for me. They held a tray with breakfast and some gifts for me. I smiled and acted a bit surprised, even though I was worried that my face was green at that point.
"Mon dieu, merci!" My God, thank you! I said to them all before I hugged them all.
I sat down on my bed and I let them put the breakfast down in front of me. I wanted to vomit just by the look of the food right at that moment.
They gave me some nice things, like a really nice film camera so that I could stop using my disposable ones. Some jewelry, clothes and bags. It was all so nice and thoughtful and I thanked them all profusely.
Then came the question of what I wanted to do for my birthday. I had nothing I wanted to do. Frankly, I wanted to hide away in a bunker, completely isolated. There was nothing I wanted to do with anyone, and I wish it would be socially acceptable to feel depressed during your birthday. But I just said that I would think about it while I eat my breakfast.
They stayed for a little while, watching me try to eat some of my breakfast, which I was struggling to swallow. We talked, all of us, and I let them look through the first few pages of the travel photo book I made and they were in awe of it. I was happy they seemed to like it, because I thought that maybe they'd see the beauty in what I'm doing and not want me to come home all the time.
As soon as they were out the door, I went back into the bathroom and I went back to throwing up all the things I had just eaten. I was in there for maybe five minutes before I weakly walked out of there, ready to collapse on my bed and maybe sleep a few hours anyway. But I looked up and I saw Arthur sitting in the armchair waiting for me.
"Es-tu malade ?" Are you sick? He asked. I didn't know why he was still in my room, what he was still doing there. I watched him walk out with the rest of them, so he must've come back in with the extra key I gave to my parents. I was too shocked to even answer him, so I just cleared my throat until I could think of a lie.
"Je pense que c'est quelque chose que j'ai mangé hier," I think it's something I ate yesterday, I replied with a shrug, going back to my bed. "Je veux essayer d'aller mieux avant ce soir," I want to try to get better before tonight, I added so maybe he'd leave.
"Tu allais bien il y a quelques minutes," You were fine just a few minutes ago, he said.
I chuckled, "Penses-tu que je vous mens ?" Do you think I'm lying to you?
He chuckles back and shakes his head, but he doesn't shake his head as the answer to the question. He shakes his head at the question. I feel my face fall as I worry what he's about to say and I just wait for what is about to happen.
"Tu étais malade hier aussi, alors," You were sick yesterday too, then, he said.
"Non," I replied quickly, coming off as a bit too defensive. "Non, Je n'ai tout simplement pas bien dormi hier," No, I just didn't sleep well yesterday, I added before I remembered I told him I was hungover. "J'avais très la gueule de bois... J'avais trop bu la veille," I was very hungover... I had too much to drink the night before.
"As-tu vomi ton dîner comme tu viens de vomir ton petit-déjeuner ?" Did you throw up your dinner like you just threw up your breakfast? He asked.
Realization hit. He didn't think I was pregnant, but he did think I was sick, just in a much bigger way. So I immediately began shaking my head and I sat down on the bed while I looked at him, meeting his sad gaze. He fully seemed to think that I was throwing up my meals, just because of this.
"Arthur, non," I shake my head. "Non, ce n'est pas ce qui vient de se passer," No, that's not what just happened, I try to assure him.
"Alors quoi?" Then what? He asked.
"Mon dieu," My God, I sighed as I ran a hand over my face. His accusation was a serious one so I needed to make sure he was mistaken.
"Quelque chose ne va vraiment pas depuis votre arrivée ! Es-tu en train de me dire que c'est juste une coïncidence si j'arrive pendant que tu vomis le petit-déjeuner qu'on vient de te donner ? Il te faut une putain d'excuse pour vomir comme un-" Something has seriously been wrong since you arrived! Are you telling me it's just a coincidence that I walk in while you're throwing up the breakfast we just gave you? You need a damn good excuse to vomit like a-, he started but then got very quiet as his eyes snapped in my direction while his eyes widened. "Tu-es enceinte, n'est-ce pas ?" You're pregnant, aren't you?
What's worse? Arthur thinking I'm bulimic or letting him know that I'm pregnant and not have to lie to him about it?
"Arthur," I said softly, avoiding eye contact with him.
"Tu es," You are, he concluded.
"Écouter!" Listen! I exclaim to get his attention. "Je t'en prie, ne le dis à personne," I'm begging you, don't tell anyone.
Arthur shoots out of his chair with wide eyes and his mouth wide open. He starts to walk up to me, but I hold my hands out as he gets closer to me and I make sure he keeps his distance from me. I don't want him to hug me to congratulate me or to comfort me, I just want him to listen to me.
"Céline!" He exclaims, "Sérieusement?" Seriously? He asks, squatting down on the floor next to my bed as he holds tightly onto my wrists, looking up at me while I get more and more overwhelmed, wishing I hadn't told him. He seemed happy about it, which is what surprised me the most, which is what threw me off.
"Je ne voulais pas- je ne sais pas quoi- je ne veux pas faire ça," I didn't want to- I don't know what- I don't want to do this, I stuttered out as I pulled my hand out of his grip, pressing my palms to my eyes to try to stop my crying even though it was too late and my bottom lip was just shaking more trying to hold it back.
He must've realized what situation I was in when my chest began shaking as I tried to tell him what happened, but I couldn't get a word out. He just stood up on his knees and he hugged me. So okay, maybe I did want him to comfort me with a hug, because I immediately let it all out on his shoulder.
He moved up to sit on the bed and I tried to pull myself together again. I used my hands to dry my tears as best as I could and I tried to take a few deep breaths.
"Tu ne pouvez le dire à personne, s'il vous plaît... Je m'en occupe, mais je ne veux pas qu'ils le sachent," You can't tell anyone, please... I'll take care of it, but I don't want them to know, I pleaded.
"Bien sûr, je ne le dirai à personne," Of course, I won't tell anyone, he replied. "Savez-vous qui...?" Do you know who...? he carefully asked while handing me a tissue. I took it and dried my nose while I nodded. He sighed, and I knew he wanted to ask who it was but he didn't.
"Il ne sait pas... personne ne le sait à part toi et Evie," He doesn't know... no one knows except you and Evie, I said.
"Personne d'autre ne le saura, je le promets," No one else will know, I promise, he assured me.
He hugged me while I pulled myself together. I knew he had a lot of questions, but I appreciated that he didn't ask them. I just wanted it to be over and forgotten about. As soon as I was done with our birthdays I was going to take care of it and I would never think about it again.
Arthur stayed in there, comforting me until I finally got a few hours of sleep. He was even there when I woke up later that afternoon, and he had some lunch sent up to the room. Considering I didn't get to keep my breakfast down, I was starving. He kept looking through the photo album and let me tell him the stories behind each photo. It felt good to be able to think of something else for a little while. I asked about Carla, and he told me they were going through a rough patch but working through it. I was really hoping they would.
It wasn't the most exciting way to celebrate my birthday but it was probably the healthiest for me. Not forcing myself to do something I didn't want. It wasn't very draining or anything. It was nice to just spend some time with Arthur and not worry too much. But then came the party they planned for the three of us. Our friends would be there, and we'd have a nice dinner before.
So Evie came over to get ready with me, and Arthur left. I told her he had found out about my pregnancy and she seemed relieved to not carry that secret all by herself, especially from someone I consider equally as much of a best friend as her.
We did our makeup together, fixed our hair and tried to get me to look forward to the party. I put on a dress that had black, sheer, ruffles that randomly went down my body and fell down my legs. I decided not to look at my body in the mirror to prevent myself from overthinking it.
Evie tried to hype me up the whole time, but I was tired and I truly didn't feel good. That feeling of my body no longer belonging to myself was still there and it was making me insane just thinking about it.
Arthur came back with Charles about thirty minutes before we had to leave. Charles was carrying a bottle of champagne and three flute glasses, while Arthur gave me an apologetic look.
"You're early," Evie told them, as if they were taking her court ordered time from her.
"You're leaving," Charles replied with a smile. "Sorry Evie, it's tradition."
"What is?" She asked, crossing her arms over her chest.
"Spending time together, just the three of us on our birthdays," Charles explained.
Evie scoffed, "Fine, but I'll be back for her in thirty minutes."
"We're capable of getting her to the car," Charles said.
"I'm sure you are," Evie replied with some sarcasm. "I'll be back," was the last thing she said before she walked out of there.
Charles started pouring the champagne into the glasses and he handed me one. Arthur and I exchanged a look before we cheered with Charles. I only took a tiny sip, and then put it on the table next to me as I went to get my heels on.
"J'ai oublié mes boucles d'oreilles, je reviens tout de suite," I forgot my earrings, I'll be right back, I said, taking my champagne with me into the bathroom and quickly dumping it and leaving the glass in there. Then I took my time to put some earrings in.
When I came back out, Charles was sitting on my bed with my photo album, flipping through the pages, reading the little comments. I kind of stopped in my tracks as I knew what photos would pop up further into the album, and I wasn't sure if I was ready to deal with the awkwardness of Charles finding out about Mateo.
He chuckled to himself as he looked at a photo of me stuffing my face with ice cream. I carefully walked up to the bed, knowing there were a few pages left until the first picture of Mateo pops up, and it isn't even a bad one. I think we're just standing on the beach together.
"Est-ce que ton genou va bien quand tu surfes ?" Is your knee fine when you surf? Charles asked, pointing to a photo of me in South Africa, sitting on a surfboard in the water.
"Oui," I replied as I nodded and turned to the next page. "Je porte une genouillère résistante à l'eau lorsque je surfe," I wear water resistant knee support when I surf, I explained and pointed to the sock-looking thing I put on to support my knee when I'm in the water.
I enjoyed that he seemed to be over the anger of me going away. He seemed to want to hear about it and actually know what I'm up to. I think he was just trying to make our birthdays seem as normal as possible by being my best friend again, but it was nice for that little while.
Evie did come back thirty minutes later when it was time to go. Madeline came looking for Charles at the same time, so we all took a car together. I brought the photo album with me, because Evie promised to show it to Max.
Our friends were celebrating us at a club in Austin that they rented for the night. They sang to Arthur, Charles and I as we walked in, and then I was immediately handed another glass of champagne that I pretended to sip while I greeted all the people I hadn't seen in a long time. Daniel, Max, Lando, Joris, Antoine and Pierre. Alex, Lily, George and Carmen came as well. I hadn't seen the girls in what felt like forever so I was so glad to have them there.
But every time I hugged someone and began telling them about what I've been doing lately, I got this overwhelming feeling that they could all know something was wrong and I worried people would be able to tell, even though it would be impossible to tell. But I still went as far as ordering mocktail after mocktail and pretending to get a little tipsy. I was just that scared people would know otherwise. It was so stupid but I had so much anxiety the whole night.
I tried to dance, joke and laugh with my friends. I opened my gifts and I was over the moon with gratitude, but there was this pressure weighing down on my chest that made it hard to breathe at times. No one noticed, though, which just proves that I was worrying for nothing.
At one point during the night, close to midnight, I was talking to Lily, Carmen and Evie. We were just joking around and gossiping like normal. I scanned the room and I saw Charles, Max and Daniel sitting with the photo album. I tried to see what page they were on but I was interrupted by my phone ringing. Mateo's picture showed up on my screen, which didn't go unnoticed by the girls who immediately started asking questions.
"Hi Teo," I said as I walked away from the prying girls, finding an empty smoking area.
"Hi! I'm just on my way to class... I tried to reach you yesterday but I couldn't! I wanted to wish you a happy birthday!" He said and I could hear that he still had a smile on his face. It's morning for him and I haven't even gone to bed yet. To him it's already the 16th.
"I'm sorry! I felt really sick this morning, so I was really bad at answering anyone," I said. "But thank you."
"I miss you," He said carefully with the tiniest chuckle. I took a deep breath. He didn't know a thing and it was killing me that we would have to deal with this, and I was dreading the conversation we were bound to have.
"I miss you too... I'm flying back early," I informed him. "Can I come to you this weekend?"
"Of course!" He said, sounding so happy it made me feel guilty, knowing I wouldn't be able to stay there, as I had an appointment already. I just had to tell him and then I needed to go. "I can't wait... I'll make paella for you!"
I chuckled with a smile on my face, "that's sweet... I can't wait to-"
I was cut off by the door behind me hitting the door as someone pushed it open with a lot of force, which not only scared me, but made me drop my phone. I immediately picked my phone off the ground as I turned around to see who was there, seeing Charles holding the photo album in his hand as he shut the door behind him.
"I'll call you back," I said before I hung up the phone, because I saw the page he was on. I knew the picture of me on Mateo's lap from the night with all his friends was in there. He had seen it.
"C'était lui ?" Was that him? He asked, motioning at my phone. His eyebrows were tightly knitted together, and I knew that lying to him would only make this worse.
"Oui," I replied. "Alors?" So what?
"Alors il ne représentait rien pour toi, hein ? Tu m'as fait me sentir stupide de m'inquiéter pour lui, alors que j'en avais clairement le droit !" So he meant nothing to you, huh? You made me feel stupid for worrying about him, when clearly I was right to be! He shouted at me with his finger aimed towards my chest as he yelled right in my face.
"Il ne signifiait rien pour moi à ce moment-là, parce que j'étais avec toi," He didn't mean anything to me then, because I was with you, I said calmly to avoid a screaming match. "Et ce n'est pas comme si j'avais commencé à le voir à la seconde où j'ai quitté la relation." And it's not like I started seeing him the second I was out of the relationship.
"Tu m'as dit que je n'avais rien à craindre !" You told me I had nothing to worry about!
"Parce que tu ne l'as pas fait !" Because you didn't! I yelled back. So much for avoiding the screaming match. "Je ne lui ai même pas parlé pendant que nous étions ensemble ! Alors pourquoi ne t'inquiètes-tu pas pour ta petite amie vers qui tu n'as pas perdu de temps à courir ?" I didn't even talk to him while we were together! So why don't you worry about your girlfriend who you wasted no time running to?
"Tu fais ça pour m'ennuyer ? hm ?" Are you doing this to piss me off? hm?
"Oh mon Dieu! Jusqu'où est ta tête dans ton cul ? Il ne s'agit pas de vous !" Oh my God! How far do you have your head up your ass? This is not about you!
"Alors tu m'as dit que je n'avais rien à craindre alors que tu savais que tu étais capable de sortir avec lui ?" So you told me I had nothing to worry about when you knew you were capable of dating him? He asked, which just made my blood almost boil. How the hell is he not hearing what I'm saying?
"L'idée de sortir avec lui ne m'avait même pas effleuré l'esprit à l'époque ! Mais je vous rappelle que nous avons rompu et cela m'a permis d'envisager de sortir avec qui je veux ! Permettez-moi également de vous rappeler que vous avez d'autres choses à vous soucier, comme votre petite amie qui est probablement à l'intérieur à votre recherche !" The thought of dating him didn't even cross my mind then! But let me remind you that we broke up and that allowed me to consider dating anyone I want! Let me also remind you that you have other things to worry about, like your girlfriend who is probably inside looking for you! I shouted at him before I took a deep breath. "Je n'ai plus rien à vous dire." I have nothing left to say to you.
I walked around him and I pulled the door open and began walking back inside, seeing Evie and Arthur a bit further away. I heard the door open again behind me.
"Je n'avais pas fini de te parler !" I wasn't done talking to you! He shouted loud enough for people around us to hear him and look over.
"Eh bien, j'ai fini de te parler ! Cela fait un an que j'en ai fini avec toi !" Well I am done talking to you! I've been done with you for a damn year! I turned around and shouted back as the anger got the better of me. I guess the extra hormones really worked me up.
Charles stood staring at me with nothing to say. I had nothing to say anymore either. But still, Max showed up next to me, grabbing my arm and looking between Charles and I as all the attention had turned to us.
"Maybe this isn't the time and place for you two to battle it out," Max said as he looked between the two of us. I grabbed his wrist and shoved it away from me. Even though he was only trying to help, I didn't want him to touch me.
Charles still didn't say anything, and he still stared blankly at me with his eyes slightly widened. I caught him swallow hard before I held my hand out to retrieve my photo album. He finally snapped out of his staring, slammed the book shut and handed it to me with a pissed look on his face. I looked up at him for a second, seeing him avoid my gaze by staring straight into the ground.
"I'm going to leave," I told Max who was still looking between us. "Joyeux anniversaire," Happy birthday, I muttered in Charles' direction before I turned around and walked out of there, fighting the tears that suddenly wanted to escape.
The next morning I told my parents I was too hungover to join Charles for breakfast, but told them I'd see him later to give him his gifts and do whatever he wanted to do for his birthday with him later in the day. As soon as I was off the hook, I spent the morning on the bathroom floor.
Arthur came in after serving Charles breakfast in bed. He walked in just as I was back to hurling, so he held my hair back for me until I was done. Then he sat down on the edge of the bathtub and watched me lie down and catch my breath and drying the tears that had started running from all the throwing up.
He took a deep breath, "C'est le père, n'est-ce pas ?" He's the father, isn't he? he asked.
I sighed before I nodded to confirm. I propped myself up on my elbows and I looked at him, feeling a bit guilty. But Arthur just pressed his lips together and gave a quick nod.
"Mais il ne sait pas... et c'était un accident," But he doesn't know... and it was an accident, I told him.
"Mais tu sors avec lui ?" But are you dating him? He asked. Once again I nodded to confirm and he just nodded slowly. "Au moins, ce n'était pas une aventure d'un soir... cela aurait pu être pire," At least it wasn't a one night stand...it could have been worse, he shrugged before he helped me off the floor.
"Je dois lui dire..." I have to tell him, I muttered to myself as I looked at the mess I was in the mirror. I washed my face with some cold water and felt better shortly after. Arthur didn't seem upset with me, which surprised me a bit. "Je pensais un peu que tu me crierais dessus parce que j'étais irresponsable," I kinda thought you'd yell at me for being irresponsible, I admitted to him when we were back on my bed.
He scoffed and shook his head. "Irresponsable ou pas... nous avons encore besoin de soutien. Je ne vais rien aggraver pour toi," Irresponsible or not...we still need support. I'm not going to make anything worse for you
Arthur truly is a gift I can't thank the heavens enough for giving to me.
"Et à ce sujet avec...," And about this with... I asked carefully, picking at my nails.
"J'aime bien Mateo, et Charles était avec quelqu'un de nouveau avant même que vous déménagiez, donc je n'ai rien contre vous deux," I like Mateo, and Charles was with someone new before you even moved, so I have nothing against you two, he replied. "Comment pensez-vous qu'il va prendre la nouvelle ?" How do you think he will take the news? he asked.
I shrugged and shook my head. I didn't know. He could react however, and I wasn't sure that it wouldn't ruin our relationship. He might be so against it that he won't be able to look at me, even though it was a group effort.
Charles sent a group text saying he wanted to go bowling for his birthday. He had media day before, so we went in the evening. I was still feeling horrible and I have neve been good at bowling, but my parents would kill me if I didn't go, so I did. I pulled myself together and I showed up. Charles and I didn't even look at each other the entire time, didn't speak to each other and didn't even acknowledge each other for the whole time. He started it when I came outside, so I kept going with it and it never changed.
Afterwards, Charles was going to dinner with Madeline, so the rest of us went back to the hotel and I began packing up my things to go to Spain. Evie and I booked a plane for Thursday afternoon so we'd arrive before noon in Europe and we could sleep on the plane to avoid getting too jet lagged.
It was right before midnight when I heard a knock on my door. I opened it and found Charles standing there. I didn't expect him to come to me, so I stared at him a little shocked. He motioned at the door and asked to come in, so I let him through the door.
"Je suis juste venu déposer les pass pour ce week-end," I just came to drop off the passes for this weekend, he said, holding out a bunch of paddock passes for me.
"En fait..." Actually... I started, looking at the passes rather than at him. "Je ne peux pas venir ce week-end... Je dois rentrer en Europe pour une urgence," I can't come this weekend... I have to go back to Europe for an emergency, I explained.
His hands dropped to the side of him and he sighed. He leaned his head back a little but his eyes were looking at me. His shoulders dropped and then he ran a hand over his face before pinching the bridge of his nose.
"Tu vas le voir, n'est-ce pas ?" You're going to see him, aren't you? he asked.
I sighed, because I really wanted this whole thing to be over. I didn't want to talk about Mateo with Charles, because it would lead to an argument, and the last thing I wanted to do with him was argue. I wanted to see him as my best friend and not my ex-boyfriend, but it was getting more and more difficult.
"Je dois," I have to, I replied.
"Non, tu ne le fais pas," No, you don't, he replied while shaking his head. "Tu es bouleversé à propos d'hier soir alors tu le vois au lieu de venir à la course," You're upset about last night so you see him instead of coming to the race.
"Non, je ne suis pas," No, I'm not, I replied as I shook my head. I kept my voice calm, too tired to argue. I was more sad than I was angry. Sad that it had come to this. "Cela n'a rien à voir avec vous, ni avec la nuit dernière, ni avec quoi que ce soit d'autre dans votre esprit." This has nothing to do with you, or last night, or anything else on your mind.
"Comment peux-tu faire ça?" How can you do this? He asked, furrowing his brows. "De tous les gars vers qui tu aurais pu t'adresser, pourquoi as-tu dû aller vers lui ?" Of all the guys you could have gone to, why did you have to go to him?
I shook my head and put my hands on my hips before I tiredly scratched my temple. "Il ne m'a jamais maltraité." He never treated me badly.
Charles just stared at me for a moment. I was surprised we weren't screaming at each other, but I still didn't want to have that conversation with him. The way he acted as if I had cheated on him because I went to Mateo six months after we broke up, which was four months after I found out he had already moved on with someone else.
"Vous étiez avec quelqu'un de nouveau avant la fin de l'année, ne venez pas ici et agissez moralement supérieur," You were with someone new before the end of the year, don't come here and act morally superior, I added when he didn't say anything back.
"Je n'ai jamais eu à te dire de ne pas t'inquiéter pour elle... ou pour quelqu'un d'autre," I never had to tell you not to worry about her...or anyone else, he argued.
"Peut-être parce que je n'étais pas si incertain dans notre relation," Maybe because I wasn't that insecure in our relationship, I replied, spitting it out like venom in my mouth, because I was sick of him making me seem like the bad guy. "J'espère que votre petite amie ne le sera pas non plus, car vous devriez être avec elle à minuit," Hopefully your girlfriend isn't either, because you should be with her at midnight, I added with a cold look on my face.
At that moment I didn't care if we weren't friends. I didn't care what happened to our relationship after that. He could go his whole life without talking to me and I wouldn't mind. I wanted to say mean things just to hurt his feelings, but I held back and I really tried to seem like the bigger person.
I turned towards my suitcase where the gift I hadn't given to him was. I held it out to him as he looked at the door instead of at me, and maybe I heard a sniffle but I wasn't sure and I didn't really care. He looked back at me, then at the gift and he took it. As soon as the gift was out of my hands, I walked up to the door and I opened it for him, then waited for him to walk out of there.
He stood staring at me by the door for a good second, and then he slowly started walking towards it, the passes hanging loosely from his hand. He stopped in front of me and he looked into my eyes. I was so angry, I just wanted him out. My heart was silently breaking inside my chest but I ignored it and the anger did what it could to console my heart. But Charles only saw the cold stare I gave him as I waited for him to leave.
"Prends soin de toi, C." Take care, C.
"Je vais." I will.
Then I shut the door and I could let all the anger seep out in tears, and I wondered if Charles did the same thing on the other end of that door, or if I was alone in this feeling.
—
In Madrid, I took a Taxi to Mateo's apartment and I waited for him to come home. He was in class when I got in, and he got back in the afternoon. I tried to plan how I was going to tell him, but nothing seemed right. Nothing felt like the right way to tell someone that you're pregnant and you're going away to get rid of it.
He came through the door and immediately saw my stuff in the hallway. "Lina!" He exclaimed as he came into the kitchen, smiling so wide.
He took me in his arms and he hugged me so tight before leaving multiple kisses on my face before he finally got to my lips. He was so happy to see me that I felt bad coming with such bad news.
"How was your day?" I asked, still held tightly to his chest.
"Better now," he replied before leaving another kiss on my cheek. "I missed you every day," he added, which could've made me cry. With all the hormones and knowing I could ruin his day, I was close to crying just from seeing him so happy.
"I missed you too," I replied, moving some hair out of his eyes. I knew I had to tell him pretty quickly, because I didn't want to have to answer the 'why didn't you tell me' question.
"Are you hungry? I can start dinner right away?" He asked, heading towards the fridge before I even had the chance to answer him. I stopped him by holding onto his wrist.
"Actually, Teo, I have to talk to you," I said as I carefully walked us over to the table. He looked nervous as we sat down. I took a deep breath and I studied Mateo's face. I kept my hands in my lap and I tried to sound as calm as possible. "I'm pregnant."
The look on Mateo's face was impossible to read. Of course there was shock, but I couldn't tell what else he was feeling. His wide eyes were fixated on me and I could see him scan my face before he looked down at my stomach as if he was looking for proof. I just let him process it for a while. He leaned back and he took a deep breath, still just looking at me. I felt like Rachel telling Ross that she was pregnant, that's how silent it was in there, and how much of a shock he was in.
"H-how... far along are you?" He finally asked.
"Two months," I replied.
He ran a hand through his hair as he looked around the apartment, frantically. He stood up and walked into his bedroom, then came back out with a laptop, keys and wallet as if he was going out. I furrowed my brows and I stood up and followed him into the hallway.
"Where are you going?" I asked.
"I need to find a job..." He muttered, "We need money for, you know, a crib, a pram..."
"Teo-"
"I know you have some money, but you'll be busy with-"
"Mateo!" I yelled which made him look up at me. "I'm not having the baby."
He stared at me blankly for a little while, "What?"
"You don't need to get a job... I'm going to terminate the pregnancy on Monday," I replied. Once again I was met by a blank stare before he put the laptop down on the table next to him. His eyebrows furrowed.
"Then why did you tell me?" He asked.
"What?" I was confused about his question.
"Why would you tell me? If you've already made a decision, why the hell would you tell me?" He asked, clearly getting worked up about it. I was stunned, and I didn't really know what to say. I thought he'd want to know something like this.
I stuttered for a moment, "Well, I thought you should know!"
"My opinion on this doesn't matter to you? You didn't even think to ask me what I want?" He asked, walking past me into the apartment again and I slowly followed.
"No, because you're not the one who would carry the baby, change your body forever, and go through labor," I argued. "We're not ready to be parents, Teo!"
"It's my baby too!" he shouted at me.
"There is no baby yet!" I argued back.
Out of all the ways I thought he could possibly react, I never thought I would have to explain to him why I get to make the decision what to do with my own body. I never thought that I would have to explain why this is my decision to make.
He walked up to me and he put his arms around my waist and his face softened a bit as he looked at me. Even though his face went soft, his eyes had desperation in them.
"Lina," He said softly, "I know it's a scary thought... but it's okay! We can do this!"
I grabbed his hands and I shoved them away from me. "No! I don't want to!"
"That's not only your decision to make!" He shouted.
"Yes! It is!" I shouted back, appalled at the words coming out of his mouth. I had thought so highly of him before then.
Looking back, I could see where he was coming from, the frustration of not getting any say in a decision that technically involved him. But I was not going to be a mother. I was not going to physically or mentally go through that. Not the pregnancy, not labor, not the responsibility of caring for a child. Especially not with someone who I had been seeing for a few months. There was no way.
"I'm not going to go through pregnancy and labor because you can't put on a fucking condom!" I shouted at him before I turned back towards the hallway. I didn't want to look at him. I was already crying, because I really did think so highly of him and it all came crashing down.
I was struggling to put my shoes on and gather my things. I was breathing quickly and I was trying so hard to stop crying, but I was hormonal and I was hurting like hell inside. I could barely see through the tears and my hands were shaking as I tried to get my shoes on my feet. Mateo followed me and he watched me struggle for a while. I must've been looking like a fucking wreck, because it's like something clicked for him for a second.
He came up to me and he gently took the shoes from him before he wrapped his arms around me, gently hushing me as I just broke down. He sat down on the unstable shoe shelf with me when I struggled to stand and he just held me.
"I can't do it," I cried, stuttering the words out. "I can't disappoint them like this. They can't know how I messed up because I'm not responsible enough to use protection."
Mateo didn't say anything, he just placed gentle kisses on my head while he tried to calm me down. I really thought I got through to him. He finally got me to come back inside, lie down on the couch and watch TV while he cooked me dinner. We had it together on the couch, and I thought he had accepted my decision.
We had a nice evening together and then we got ready for bed. I was in his t-shirt, brushing my teeth while watching him prepare the bed while just in his pajama pants and nothing else. He caught me looking so I grinned as he walked up to me as he shook his head. He grabbed my face and he placed a kiss on my forehead. He moved some hair behind my ear and looked at me with eyes telling me his mind was somewhere else at that moment. I could guess where, so I just took a step back and washed my mouth before I walked out and got into bed next to him.
We talked a little about his school, he told me he changed his career goal slightly, and then told me a few things about his friends back home. He told me they asked about me a few times when I was away.
After a while he went silent, so I assumed he was falling asleep. I looked up at him and he was just looking at me with a longing kind of look on his face. He sighed, then placed his hand on my cheek.
"We could be happy, Lina, starting a family and all," He said. I immediately took his hand off my face and created some distance between us.
"No," I replied as I shook my head. "You don't know that... we have not been together long enough for you to know that."
He sighed and I could feel his hand going down towards my stomach. He grabbed my hand and he put it along with his on top of my stomach. I cringed at his desperate attempts to change my mind and I fought everything in me to not push his hand off of me.
"How can you say that?" He asked and I started losing my patience.
"Mateo, stop it," I replied. "I don't want to have this talk."
"We have to! Okay? It's a life that we created!"
"I'm telling you... I don't want to do this. I don't want to be a mother, I don't want to start a family at 24, I don't want to be pregnant, I don't want this," I said as sternly as possible before I rolled over, letting my back face him. I heard him sigh and then he still wrapped his arm around me as he fell asleep.
I couldn't sleep. Again. I was so unbelievably uncomfortable. Mateo seemed so sure he could change my mind, but I truly didn't want to. I didn't like that he didn't respect my choice, that he didn't hear me telling him how I didn't want it. How could I be a good mother to a child if I was convinced to have it? You're supposed to want the child. I can't have a child and resent it for its whole life.
So the next morning when Mateo woke up, I had already packed my things. I took everything that was mine, left everything that was his. He saw me, ready to leave, and he looked confused. He immediately got out of bed and walked up to me.
"Lina?"
"I have to go," I told him. "I'm going to-"
"I know what you're going to do," He replied. "You said you'd spend the weekend here."
I looked down at the floor and fidgeted with my nails a little. I didn't know what to say, and that seemed to tell Mateo everything, even though he didn't want to believe it.
"My appointment is Monday," I informed him, grabbing the handle of my suitcase.
"Let me come with you."
"No, Teo," I shook my head. I was scared he'd try to talk me out of it, and then resent me when he saw it happen right in front of his eyes.
"Please," He said, but I think he was pleading for something else, not to come with me. I shook my head and gave him an apologetic look.
"I can't," I said, but it came out as a whisper.
He placed a gentle hand on my cheek and used his thumb to gently caress my cheekbone. I leaned into it for a second. I placed my hand over his, and then turned my face to kiss his palm before I brought his hand down from my face.
"Goodbye," I said, kissing his cheek. He didn't say anything back, just looked at me with sadness covering his entire face.
He grabbed my hand, turned me around and kissed me properly, but then I felt him take all of his hands off of me before he let me go.
Evie was in Madrid with me, staying at a hotel she had to check out of early. We got an early flight to Italy, and then we went to Alassio. Pascale had let me borrow the house, thinking we were going there to relax and get some more energy.
On Monday, the nurse came to the house and she gave me the two pills.
I had never been in such pain. I was crying on Evie's lap, I was squeezing her hand. I was bleeding, I was vomiting, and halfway through the day I got a fever that worried the nurse a little bit. The nurse was there to help me through the first half of the day, then I was left with Evie. I was throwing up from the pain, from the abortion, and I felt like shit.
Evie had to carry me through the house, she had to help me drink, she had to help me to the bathroom. Not only that, but I had the worst anxiety mixed with guilt the whole day.
I think I had one of the hardest days of my life, and I only had Evie to rely on. I couldn't tell anyone else.
It might have been my lowest point.
//
Ethics and morals and all that...
On another note... I'm going back to France after I've been home for two weeks and I really really don't want to... I'm homesick and I haven't even left home yet lol, it's lonely there (I'll feel better in the spring I'm just ranting)