Present
"No! I don't want to hear a single noise out of your mouth!"
"But-"
"Shut it!"
"No!"
"Céline!"
"Don't get me involved in this," I sigh as I sit between Charles and Evie on a plane from Costa Rica. We're leaving early because the three of us in an AirBnB wasn't the best idea.
Charles and I can't really work on us with Evie around. Evie and I can't really keep going with our vacation like we normally do. Evie and Charles are friends, but she's avoiding him as much as possible because he keeps asking cryptic questions about her dating life and about Pierre. If he thinks he's sneaky he's lost his mind. I'm sure there's something going on between Evie and Pierre, or that he's trying to get them back together.
"It's a simple question," Charles argues.
"I will hit you," I say as I turn my head to him. If they keep bickering back and forth right over my head then I will go insane. It's a fourteen hour flight and we're not even halfway.
Charles looks at me and his lips go into a smile, "you'll hit me?" he asks in amusement.
Evie reaches over me and hits him as hard as she can, accidentally hitting me at the same time. I turn to Evie who apologizes to me but gives Charles the evil eye. We were on a regular, public flight, flying economy, which wasn't ideal. People recognized Charles all the time and I just knew that people would question the way he suddenly showed up in Costa Rica. I just hope no one recognized me, or else it would be difficult to explain to our parents, who think we're about to start world war III everytime we're left alone.
Charles and I pretended nothing was going on between us when Evie was around, even though she obviously knew. It just felt weird to be all affectionate around her when we aren't even used to it yet. We're slowly easing back into it by subtle touches that send shivers up my spine, small glances with tiny grins when no one is looking, and kisses every now and then when Evie isn't in the room. On the plane I slept with my head on Evie's shoulder rather than his.
We flew to the Milano airport and I hugged Evie goodbye as she was getting a flight back to the Netherlands. She hugged me a little tighter than usual, whispering a quiet "I'm rooting for you" over my shoulder. I'm pretty sure she motioned something to Charles as well, further proving that she knew exactly what was going on. She gathered her things and was just about to walk away.
"Say hi to Pierre from me," I said casually as she was rumaging through her bag for her passport.
"Next time I see him... I'll get Max to tell him for you," She replied with a sarcastic smile. It wasn't as easy as I thought to get it out of her. "Remember," she said as she put her hand on my shoulder, "Charles probably couldn't tell you the length of a ruler... don't listen to him."
Charles scoffed with the most offended look on his face while I laughed. She patted his chest quickly before she took her suitcase and left, waving to us as she walked off. I was left there with Charles by my side, with his hands in his pockets and a smile on his face as he slightly turned his body to me.
"Ils sont définitivement de nouveau ensemble," They're definitely back together, he tells me and I shake my head.
"Non ils ne sont pas," No they're not, I reply. "Ils dorment probablement ensemble en essayant de se détester." They're probably sleeping together while trying to hate each other.
"Pourquoi pensez-vous cela?" Why do you think that?
"Elle s'extasie sur le fait qu'elle ne pouvait pas le supporter," She was raving about how she can't stand him, I explain. "Elle n'essayait certainement pas de me convaincre." She definitely wasn't trying to convince me.
I took my suitcase and I started walking towards the exit. I had to get a train back to Bologna, and Charles had a race in a week's time so I figured he'd have to go home and prepare for the season to start again. He had been on the phone with his trainer who wasn't the biggest fan of his surprise trip to another time zone. So I guess he has some catching up to do before.
Charles follows me outside into the hot summer sun and I take a cap out of my bag and put it on my head along with some sunglasses. We are in Italy after all and Charles is just stepping out like it's nothing. He's probably more popular than the pope around here, so if I can stay just the tiniest bit anonymous, I will. I turn to him and he's looking at me with this small smile.
"Je ne veux pas y aller" I don't want to go, he says. "Je ne veux pas que tu partes." I don't want you to go.
"Tu as une course à gagner" You have a race to win, I reply, wanting to step closer to him but stopping myself. "Un championnat très important en dépend," A very important championship is depending on it, I remind him as a smile crawls up my face.
"Oui, mais te récupérer dépend de si je peux ou non t'empêcher de t'enfuir à nouveau." Yes but getting you back depends on whether or not I can keep you from running away again, he replies. The smile on my face tells me he's trying to make a joke, but his doubt is hurting me a bit. I guess it's only hurting because I know it's true that I have a tendency of running away from things that are a bit uncomfortable.
"Je ne vais nulpart" I'm not going anywhere, I reply, and I can hear my voice coming off as annoyed.
"Non je sais," No I know, he says. "Mais c'est un peu le problème pour nous en ce moment... Je vais voyager et tu seras là... Je dis juste que je veux un peu plus de temps pour te convaincre que nous sommes une bonne idée." But that's kind of the problem for us right now... I'm going to move around and you'll be here... I'm just saying I want a little more time to convince you that we are a good idea.
"Tu n'as pas besoin de me convaincre," You don't have to convince me, I say as I shake my head.
"Tu dis ça maintenant, mais ensuite nous serons séparés et c'est à ce moment-là que tu commences à réfléchir et tout d'un coup tu commences à trouver des choses qui pourraient mal tourner, et puis tout d'un coup tu m'appelles et tu me dis que nous faisons un erreur!" You say that now, but then we'll be apart and that's when you start thinking and all of a sudden you start finding things that could go wrong, and then all of a sudden you'll call me and tell me that we're making a mistake! He says, motioning around a little which just brings more attention to him. "C'était beaucoup plus facile la dernière fois car nous vivions sous le même toit, ce qui nous laissait beaucoup moins de temps pour douter de nous," It was a lot easier last time because we lived under the same roof, which gave you a lot less time to doubt us, he ranted as I tried to hide from the traffic behind a pillar.
I'm kind of stunned, knowing full well that he's probably right. He knows me a little too well. I don't want to admit that he is right, more so to myself than to him. I stand there and cross my arms over my chest, feeling almost offended about having one of my biggest issues told straight to my face like that. I don't want Charles to doubt me like this.
I also don't want him to drag even more attention to himself.
"Je ne doute pas de nous-" I'm not doubting us-
"En ce moment" Right now, he cuts me off.
"Oh s'il te plaît, aie un peu confiance en moi," Oh please, have some faith in me, I reply.
"Je le ferai si tu acceptes de ne pas partir sans moi," I will if you agree not to go without me, he replies quickly.
"Ne pensez-vous pas que votre première visite à Bologne a été assez embarrassante ?" You don't think your first visit to Bologna was embarrassing enough? I ask just to mess with him, considering he told me that people were staring at him as he stood outside my apartment for an hour trying to get inside.
"Ou nous pouvons aller ailleurs" Or we can go somewhere else, he mutters.
"Comme où?" Like where?
He's silent for a while and then he shrugs. "Alassio."
I freeze up a little bit, remembering the last time I was there. But apart from that unlucky time, I only have fond memories there. Charles and I used that place as our little getaway. We had our first kiss there. I have a memory of us in every inch of that place. I used to love it so much, dream of buying it from Pascale or getting a similar place myself. I was stupid enough to give myself a sour taste in my mouth by my last visit.
"Ne devriez-vous pas faire du sport, bien manger, préparer la saison ?" Don't you have to exercise, eat right, prepare for the season? I ask.
"Je peux faire ça là" I can do that there, he shrugs as he takes another step closer to me, making me look around. I feel like someone is going to recognize us any second.
"D'accord," Okay, I agree, making him light up in a smile as he takes a step back again. He definitely only got closer to me to add pressure so I would give him an answer and stop beating around the bush.
Charles went inside to rent a car and then we were on the way to Alassio. He called his mom in the car to tell her he was going there for training. She bought it, but she seemed to find it weird that he chose Alassio of all places. She mentioned he hadn't been there in three years, which is before we broke up.
A few hours we rolled up to the beautiful stone house. Charles got the key from under some decoration and he unlocked the door and took all of our stuff inside. Nothing had changed. I still felt happy walking in with him, feeling nostalgic about all the times we'd been there together. I went straight for the backyard where the sun was already setting. I looked out over the water and the orange sky and I looked at the overgrown grass. I guess no one had been there in a while.
I didn't poison the backyard with any bad memories last time I came, so I felt at peace there, listening to the waves, the birds and Charles walking around inside. He was putting the water everywhere to clear out the pipes which always gave the place a sour smell when it had been empty for a while. Then I heard him step out behind me.
As soon as I felt his presence so close to me, I suddenly felt a wave of guilt. He doesn't know what I went through here. He should know. I should tell him. If this is going to work we have to put all cards on the table. I just imagine all of the ways it could hurt him and go wrong if he finds out any other way. The fact that his brother and his mom knew this whole time won't make it any better. He needs to hear it from me, but I have buried it so deep inside of me, pretending it never happened so I won't have to talk about it again.
He appears next to me, and I feel just how much I can't do it. Not right now. Not when we're here together and everything is so good. It feels like going down to do a push up but it's not physically possible to get back up. It's like a mental push up.
His gentle arm sneaks around my waist and he pulls me closer to his side, and then he places a kiss on my temple. He seems so excited to have me there, ready to work on us after all this time. The thought of ruining it just makes me nauseous.
"Es-tu monté dans ta chambre ?" Have you been up to your room? he asks.
"Pas encore," Not yet, I reply, knowing that's the worst place of them all.
"Personne n'y a touché, ce devrait être comme si tu l'avais laissé," No one's touched it, it should be the way you left it, he says with a smile.
I kind of wish they would have turned that into a library, an office, a home gym, anything.
I turn around and I reluctantly head upstairs with Charles following behind with my suitcase. Even the stairs feel bad, because I remember how much I struggled with them. I turn the corner, walk past the other three bedrooms upstairs and then towards the final bedroom towards the end. The door is slightly open and I push it open to the musty smell it gets before the window is opened.
My bed is still there, but I think I left it unmade. It's made now, so I guess Pascale made it when she was here. I still have a pile of books in the corner of the room. When did I stop reading as much? Do I not find the time for it anymore? I see the big mirror with the brassy frame. The little bedside table I had millions of water bottles on last I was here. I remember that Evie helped me get rid of them before we left. We also threw the whole bucket I had beneath my bed away. The small, wooden chair I usually hang my bikinis to dry on, is standing in its usual spot. And the dark wooden dresser is on the wall right next to the door.
Charles stands behind me and looks at the room over my shoulder. He seems to wait for a positive reaction to come, but I just see myself in that bed, in so much pain, and Evie having to basically carry me downstairs.
I wish I would've had somewhere else to go, than to ruin this beautiful place for myself.
"Puis-je dormir avec toi ce soir ?" Can I sleep with you tonight? I ask quietly as I turn to Charles.
He looks a bit shocked. We haven't slept in the same bed since we decided it's better to go slowly. But maybe I'd feel better, knowing he's right there next to me, holding me like he used to do when we spent the nights here.
"Bien sûr," Of course, he replies, smiling a little. He leans down and he carefully kisses me. We're barely used to the kisses. We don't kiss too often. Yet. With Evie around it was difficult, so we never really got into the rhythm again.
We take my stuff into his room instead, a room that was always closed when he wasn't there. The last time I had been in there was with him. I liked it a lot better in there. I sat down on the bed and I looked at Charles. It's so weird to be back with him. With all the time I had spent trying to go back to being his friend and not feel anything romantic towards him, going back to being with him feels a little weird. Not in a bad way, of course, there just really isn't a good way of explaining what it feels like.
He's walking around the room, opening the window, setting things up, making us comfortable, and I just watch him. Kind of in awe. He looked better than ever. Even better than at the beginning of the wedding week. I think he spent some time in the sun and got a little bit of a tan. He was glowing, in a way.
Thinking back to the way he used to look doing something similar a couple years ago, there was a big contrast. He looked a lot happier doing such simple tasks. Just generally happier. Maybe our relationship drained him that much toward the end. Maybe it was just the car he was driving that season. It doesn't matter now that he makes the room seem like it's a lot more colorful.
Charles' phone rings on the bed next to me, which brings me out of my thoughts. I look over and hand it over to him when I see it's Andrea calling him. He sighs and answers the phone with the normal 'Hey, how are you doing?' and I already feel like I'm intruding on his privacy and should walk away. But he doesn't step out or seem to bother that I'm there.
"Sì," he says and then he's cut off. I can't hear what Andrea is saying but I can hear that he's not very happy. "Lo so," I know, Charles says before he sighs. "Lo spiegherò più tardi! Ho solo bisogno di più tempo per me stessa prima che inizi la stagione!" I'll explain it later! I just need more time to myself before the season starts! he argues into the phone.
Conveniently, my mom calls me. I show Charles the screen and then I step out of the room and go into Arthur's room instead before I pick up.
"Salut," I reply.
"Salut, es-tu occupé?" Hi, are you busy? she asks.
"Dépend," depends, I reply with a chuckle as I hear Charles through the wall. I really wanted to get off the call as soon as possible to prevent suspicion on her end.
"Je sais que vous n'aimez généralement pas vous impliquer dans les événements que nous organisons pour l'organisation," I know you don't usually like to get involved in the events we organize for the organization, she starts. "Mais ton père et moi nous demandions si tu pouvais imaginer faire quelque chose pour participer cette année." But your dad and I were wondering if you could imagine doing something to participate this year.
As she talks, Charles finishes up his call and walks into the room very silently. I shake my head to tell him to walk out, but he doesn't seem to get the gist as he's busy texting on his phone. I barely get the chance to understand what my mom is saying.
"Je dois aller courir ce soir," I have to go running tonight, Charles says. I quickly turn to him with wide eyes as he clearly forgot I'm on the phone with my mom, which was the whole point of me going to the other room.
"Ça a l'air génial, maman," Seems great, Mom, I say to get him to understand what's going on. He immediately widens his eyes and immediately shuts his mouth. "Ou... désolé, qu'as-tu dit ?" Or... sorry, what did you say?
"Avez-vous un invité?" Do you have a guest? She asks.
"Non," I quickly lie, even though it was stupid, so I change my mind. "Oui."
"Quelqu'un que je connais?" Anyone I know?
"Non," I reply. "Juste quelqu'un avec qui je travaille," Just someone I work with.
"D'accord..." She nearly sings. "Sache juste... tu as toujours un plus un," Just know...you always have a plus one.
"Euh... je n'utiliserai pas ça, merci quand même," Um... I won't use that, thanks anyway, I say awkwardly and I can hear her snickering to herself over the phone. "Bref... qu'est-ce que tu as dit ?" Anyway... what did you say?
"Je me demandais simplement si vous pouviez participer un peu plus à la course caritative cette année," I was just wondering if you could participate a little more in the charity race this year, Mom says when I can focus on her a bit more.
"Comment? Je n'ai jamais participé à des compétitions de karting," How? I have never participated in karting competitions, I reply, thinking they're planning on putting me in a go kart and sending me around with the rest of them.
"Peut-être prendre une interview, distribuer les trophées... vous savez..." Maybe take an interview, hand out the trophies... you know... she explains.
"Je sais pas..." I don't know... I sigh, because I'm not sure I want to. But I look over at Charles who is listening in, waiting for me to finish up the call. I realize that I will have to deal with a lot more if we go out with being back together and we go somewhere together, so I might as well do this now to not make a shock appearance later. "Très bien, je peux le faire," Fine, I can do it, I shrug.
"Super! On pourra en reparler quand on sera plus proche de la date, je vous laisse revenir vers votre invité," Great! We can talk about it again when we're closer to the date, I'll let you go back to your guest, she says, teasingly with the last part.
I hang up as quickly as I can and then I look at Charles who is grinning with his arms crossed over his chest. I can't tell what he's grinning about considering he almost exposed us to my mother and I'm also stuck with responsibilities for the race. I probably would have told her no if I hadn't been distracted the first time she asked.
"Pourquoi souriez-vous ?" What are you smiling about? I ask, which makes him chuckle and reach out for my arm to pull me closer. He hums happily as his smile turns into a bigger one.
"Ça me manquait un peu de me faufiler comme ça... il y avait quelque chose d'excitant là-dedans," I kinda missed sneaking around like that...there was something exciting about it.
When I think back to the first time we were sneaking around, excitement isn't the first feeling I think of, because I remember how stressed and anxious I was during that time. But when I think about it, we were so very intimate during that time. Being restricted as soon as we weren't behind closed doors just made everything feel ten times as big when we kissed behind those closed doors. Maybe it was one of the better times, and maybe hiding away is great for the time being.
I let out a chuckle as I'm reminded of the feelings I felt the day after our first kiss. When we were sitting at the piano in the living room. When we went to the island, he talked to me about the book I was reading. When we went to Venice. All of the butterflies come swarming back. I look away from him as I silently laugh to myself.
I look back at him and I see him looking at me with the same smile but something different in his eyes. He looks so happy as he looks at me. It makes me feel warm in a way I had forgotten I could. I have him again. How lucky am I? To have him back, looking at me the way he is, smiling because of me, and wanting nothing but to spend more time with me.
But how cruel am I not? To keep things from him because they're tough for me. To keep something he should know, not because he has to know everything bad that has ever happened to me. It might actually be better that he doesn't know some of the things. But I went through this thing that cursed our favorite place. I didn't think we'd be there together in the same way, and I didn't think it through. He should know, but I don't know when or how to tell him.
"Tu veux dîner ?" Do you want dinner? He asks softly.
I nod my head and we walk downstairs. I shake the anxious thoughts out of my head as I help him cook one of the dishes he's been eating for years to stick to his diet. He doesn't need help to make it anymore, but just doing it with him made me happy. We were alone for the first time in so long, in a space so far from other people. We were free to touch each other however, whenever. He could plant kisses on my face when he walked past me. I could hug him from behind when he was stirring the food in a frying pan. He could turn around and kiss me and nearly burn the food because we could get so into each other.
We sat on the couch eating dinner with bad TV playing in the background while he asked me questions about living in Italy and some traveling I did. He didn't listen to a lot of it through the years, because he was too salty about the fact that I left in the first place.
"Je sais pas," I don't know, he says before swallowing his food. "C'est embarrassant de l'admettre, mais je serais de mauvaise humeur chaque fois que quelqu'un parlerait de ton voyage." It's embarrassing to admit, but I would get in a bad mood as soon as someone even mentioned your traveling.
"Pourquoi? Pensiez-vous que j'allais rester à Monaco pour toujours ?" Why? Did you think I was going to sit around in Monaco forever? I ask.
"Je sais pas... Tu as parlé de déménager, mais je ne pensais pas que tu resterais si loin aussi longtemps," I don't know... You mentioned moving away, but I didn't think you'd be that far away for so long, he shrugs, putting the plate on the table in front of us. He then sits back again, putting his arm on the backrest behind me. "Vous êtes passé de quelqu'un que je m'attendais à voir quand j'étais à la maison à quelqu'un que je n'ai pas vu du tout pendant la majeure partie de l'année." You went from being someone I expected to see when I was home, to someone I didn't see at all for most of the year.
I sigh and shake my head. There's a part of me that really wants to yell at him that he was with someone else even before I left. But we've been through this and I'm sick of having to remind him of the same thing. He has admitted that he wasn't over me which explains the feelings he had. But he did some things that just makes me feel that he didn't have the right to be upset about what I was doing. But I do know you can't change how you feel.
"Quand as-tu réalisé que tu n'en avais pas fini avec moi ?" When did you realize you weren't over me? I ask, poking around with my food on the plate, avoiding looking at him.
"Quand tu parlais de ta vie comme si tu en aimais chaque seconde et que je n'en faisais pas partie," When you were talking about your life like you loved every second of it and I wasn't a part of it, he replies honestly. "Quand tu n'étais pas là à Abu Dhabi, faisant semblant de ne pas être soulagé que la saison soit terminée pour pouvoir me ramener à la maison. Quand tu as souri de ce sourire avec d'autres gars qui devaient t'avoir. À chaque fois, je me rappelais que j'avais commis une erreur en te laissant partir. Mais je ne me l'ai pas admis avant de passer tout ce temps avec toi au mariage. Je l'ai toujours su au fond de moi." When you weren't there in Abu Dhabi, pretending not to be relieved that the season was over so you could take me home. When you smiled that smile with other guys who got to have you. Every single time I was reminded that I screwed up by letting you walk away. But I didn't admit it to myself until I spent all that time with you at the wedding. I always knew in the back of my mind.
My bottom lip is slightly quivering from the many emotions I'm keeping inside. I didn't think his answer would hit me that hard. I put the plate on the table and take a deep, shaky breath, which Charles acknowledges by moving some hair behind my ear before his hand goes to the back of my head to play with my hair a little. I don't allow any tears to leave my eyes, though.
"Je n'aimais pas ma vie," I didn't love my life, I admit silently. "J'ai apprécié, mais je n'ai pas aimé. Je me suis amusé, j'ai vécu beaucoup de choses... mais tout n'était pas bon," I enjoyed it, but I didn't love it. I had fun, I experienced a lot... but it wasn't all good, I admit to him as my voice fails me a little.
The worry, the question marks drawn on Charles face when I turn my head to look at him puts a big pit in my stomach. I opened a can of worms saying that, and I wish I could take it back. I don't want him to ask about it and I don't think I can physically bring myself to tell him about it. Saying that, I thought I had more courage than I actually do.
"Parce que tu n'étais pas là... et parfois j'avais juste vraiment besoin de toi, même en tant qu'ami mais nous ne pouvions pas être comme ça l'un envers l'autre... parce que je ne pense pas que tu puisses être amis quand tu ressens ça les uns par rapport aux autres," Because you weren't there... and sometimes I just really needed you, even as a friend but we couldn't be that to each other... because I don't think you can be friends when you feel this way about one another, I say as I'm still holding back tears with my mouth in a frown as I look at him.
Charles' eyes scanned my face and he had a slight frown on his face as well. He leans forward to kiss me, very soft and gentle.
"Je veux être là, à chaque fois. Je veux être là dans le futur, et j'aurais aimé pouvoir y être à ce moment-là," I want to be there, every time. I want to be there in the future, and I wish I could have been there back then, he whispers with his face right in front of mine.
I nod slightly before I lean forward to kiss him again, because it's an escape from talking about it further, and I also missed kissing him. Just kissing him made me feel a way I can't describe. It didn't feel the way it did before, but so far from a bad way.
I continued kissing him for as long as I could, and he did nothing to stop it. He just leaned further into it, pushing himself closer to me on the couch.
That night I was reminded of the beauty of feeling so connected to someone that it was completely okay to just lie on the couch and kiss because just kissing was enough to satisfy us both. Being content with just being close to them.
I also shared a bed with a special someone for the first time in a long time, and I slept like a baby. My sleep has been so bad lately, but with his arm around my waist, I slept so well and caught up on some sleep I had been missing. I woke up the next morning with an empty space next to me, and I hadn't even noticed he had gotten up.
The sun was shining, the room was hot, there were noises coming through the open window. Birds chirping, the waves in the distance, the leaves brushing against each other as a light wind rippled through them. The house was silent. I looked around the room and saw one of Charles' t-shirts on the chair against the wall. It was one of the shirts I used to borrow from him many years ago, so I put it on. The only noise came from the creaking floorboards under my feet as I walked to my own room. Not because I wanted to be in there, but because the window overlooked some of the backyard.
My eyes squinted as I looked out into the bright day. Looking down onto the grass, which was now cut, Charles was working out. He was in shorts, lacking a shirt, doing some workout that made him shine with sweat. I stood there watching on for a while, feeling the smell of the shirt I was wearing. I was so happy it made me anxious.
It's hard to explain how that works. Getting anxious when you're happy. Maybe it's the way I'm scared of losing that happiness that's causing it, or maybe it's worrying you're feeling too much for the occasion and you end up being the one feeling more. You don't want to be the one feeling more. You want to be equal, because if you're the one feeling more, that means you're not getting the same in return which is just fucking painful.
It all comes down to fear, doesn't it?
Fear of rejection, fear of abandonment, fear of pain, hurt and all of these negative feelings that loving someone can cost. I was happy, but would I be forever? Or would this be ripped away from me again? I got through it the first time but it was one of the toughest things I've had to do. I saw what the pain did to me the first time. I put a bandaid on my wound, but I'm ripping it off now. The thing is, if I need it again, I can't put it back on. It just won't stick.
We have time to figure this out. I have time to get through this anxiety and worry. We're only now starting to get back to us.
I walked downstairs and found a bowl of fruit on the counter with a glass of orange juice next to it. There's another empty bowl next to it so I assumed it was for me. I walked up to the open terrace door and I felt the heat hit me even though the sun didn't directly hit me. Charles sees me when I appear in the doorway.
"Bonjour," Good morning, he said with a smile as he dropped the weight he was using. "As-tu bien dormi ?" Did you sleep well?
"Trés bien," Very well, I replied with a smile. "Depuis combien de temps es-tu debout ?" How long have you been up?
"Quelques heures," A few hours, he replied with a shrug as he walked up to me. "Je suis tout en sueur," I'm all sweaty, he informed me as he got closer.
"Moi aussi," Me too, I smiled as he walked closer to me, leaning in to kiss me. His one hand grabbed the material of the shirt as he leaned down to meet my lips.
I had my breakfast in the shade, watching Charles finish his workout. It was pretty pleasant watching him, seeing as he's the most gorgeous man alive and he's working out without a shirt. It did however make me feel a bit self conscious considering I looked like trash with my hair a mess and only a big t-shirt on. I also just picked up going to the gym again. He was always in the best possible shape. But it was still nice to look at.
"Allons nager," Let's go swimming, he suggested when he was on the grass catching his breath. I scoff as I walk past him to go into the kitchen. He rolls over, grabbing my ankle and nearly trips me and then has the nerve to laugh about it. "Allez, allons nager," Come on, let's go swimming.
I put the bowl away and then I went upstairs to change into my bikini and grab a towel then came downstairs to him lying on the grass still. When he saw me he got the biggest grin on his face, looked up at the sky with a big cheeky grin on his face, sighed and shook his head before he got up on his feet.
"Tu n'as même pas changé, j'irai sans toi," You haven't even changed, I'll go without you, I conclude as I start to make my way to the stone stair leading down to the little stoney beach.
"J'irai comme ça," I'll go like this, he replied as he followed me down to the beach.
Like normal he was the first one in the water while I had to feel if it was too cold. I've always been slow to get into the water, which means Charles has always had to drag me into it one way or another. Usually by throwing me, pushing me or pulling me into the water. This time he lured me by coming up to me, gently starting to kiss me and then carefully walking backwards into the water until he could easily drag me in completely.
We washed off, got dressed and made it into town to go to the food market. It's a small enough town to easily blend in with other people, and Charles was wearing a cap, and we bought one of those big, round, straw sun hats while we were there. We bought it as a joke, but it worked perfectly. We walked amongst the stands, picking out fresh ingredients and looking at cheap, probably homemade jewelry. While I was looking at some colorful pearl bracelets, Charles ran to the flowerstand and came back with sunflowers for me.
"Tieni duro," Hold on tight, the woman behind the jewelry stand told me when he came with the flowers. I just smiled at her, not knowing what to say.
I had a bruising grip on him once, but my hands were the ones bruising from how hard I was holding. I don't want to have a bruising hold on someone. I want to be able to let go and know that they're going to stay without me having to keep them here.
The next day I was lying on the couch with a book, trying to get back into reading, while Charles was doing his daily workout. He came in and showered, then made us smoothies. He placed them down on the table. I was laying on my back on the couch and he put his hands next to my head to hold him up, only tilting his head down to kiss me, before he just plopped down on me, making me huff out a lot of air.
He takes the book out of my hands, puts it on the table and hands me the smoothie instead. I take a sip from it and then he puts it back. We're only able to do one more night together in Alassio, because he has to go to Zandvoort. He has his chin on my chest and he looks up at me with a smile, and I smile back as I let my fingers run through his long hair. There's always a part of the year where he keeps it shorter, but I've always prefered his longer hair. I can easily run my hair through it, play with it, there's a lot to grab in one hand.
"Charles," I started.
"Mhm," he hums with his eyes closed as I massage his scalp.
"Comment aurais-tu proposé ?" How would you have proposed? I asked. I had been thinking about it for a little bit. Wondering if he had a plan that got ruined, or if he just had the ring for when it was time. Did he know what he was going to do?
He smiled to himself, keeping his eyes closed. "N'aimerais-tu pas savoir ?" Wouldn't you like to know? he replied with a teasing tone. I scoff and stop playing with his hair. He immediately stopped smiling and opened his eyes. "Que se passe-t-il si je souhaite continuer à utiliser le forfait un jour ?" What if I want to use the plan one day?
"Tu trouveras un autre plan," You'll find another plan, I replied with a smile, tilting my head to the side a little. He chuckled and closed his eyes for a second again.
"J'essayais de savoir si tu préférais une grande proposition devant beaucoup de monde... ou si tu préférais un placard de ménage dans un endroit où personne ne pouvait nous trouver," I was trying to find out if you preferred a big proposal in front of a lot of people... or if you preferred a cleaning closet in a place where no one could find us, he said, laughing a little.
I laughed as I continued to play with his hair. "Et qu'en as-tu conclu ?" And what did you conclude?
"Que j'étais stupide de penser que tu aimerais une grosse proposition," That I was stupid to think you'd like a big proposal.
I thought about it and then I nodded. Considering how much I hated any kind of media at that point, even though it was my only source of income, I would have hated to be asked in front of a lot of other people. Of course I would've liked to share it with people, like Evie, Arthur, our families. But any more than that would have been too pressuring.
"Donc j'allais le faire à la fin de la saison... peut-être vers le nouvel an... nous voyageions habituellement quelque part vers le nouvel an," So I was going to do it at the end of the season...maybe around new years...we usually traveled somewhere around new years, he continued.
"Quand as-tu arrêté de planifier ?" When did you stop planning? I asked, wanting to know when he felt that it wasn't in the cards for us to get married.
His eyes opened and he looked at me with a much sadder look on his face. He thought for a while and then he sighed. I know a question like that ruined the happiness between us, but I wanted to know when he figured we were too far gone.
"Je pense... j'ai réalisé que tu ne dirais pas oui quand le patron de Mia était là... et tu as eu cette conversation avec lui, et tu es sorti en trombe et tu lui as claqué la porte... parce que tu m'as dit alors que tu j'avais l'impression que je ne voulais pas te voir, et j'ai réalisé que tu ne pouvais pas dire oui à épouser quelqu'un comme ça," I think... I realized you wouldn't say yes back when Mia's boss was there... and you had this conversation with him, and you stormed out and slammed the door on him... because you told me then that you felt like I didn't want to see you, and I realized there was no way you would say yes to marrying someone like that, he explained.
My hand kept massaging his scalp and I looked at his beautiful eyes that shifted between blue and green. I was thinking about his words, and he was right. I wouldn't have said yes if he'd asked me then. Not if I had gotten the chance to think about it. But then again, I fully thought that I was going to marry him, and it felt like that was just something I was supposed to do. It's like it was settled even before that. So maybe I would have said yes, but not for the right reasons.
"Quand avez-vous commencé à planifier ?" When did you start planning? I asked.
"Au moment où j'ai reçu la bague," The moment I got the ring, he replied. "Ta mère me l'a offert aux alentours de Noël... et j'étais sur le point de te le demander en Australie, mais j'ai réalisé que je voulais bien faire les choses, alors j'ai commencé à planifier sérieusement après ça." Your mother gave it to me around Christmas...and I was so close to asking you in Australia, but I realized I wanted to get it right so I started planning seriously after that.
"Australie?" I asked with a chuckle, furrowing my brows. I couldn't think of what could have been so significant there to make him ask me.
"Nous sommes allés au jardin botanique... J'ai fouillé tout le jardin à ta recherche et je t'ai trouvé près de quelques roses roses," We went to the botanical gardens... I searched the whole garden looking for you and found you near some pink roses, he explained. "Tu avais cette jupe avec des fleurs dessus, et tu avais l'air si heureuse quand je t'ai trouvé, et je me souviens avoir pensé à la façon dont tu étais devenue cette personne juste devant mes yeux, juste à côté de moi au cours des trois années précédentes," You had this skirt with flowers on it, and you looked so happy when I found you, and I remember thinking about how you had become this person right in front of my eyes, right next to me over the previous three years.
I remembered the day he was talking about. I remember that he insisted on coming with me, but he had to shower so I told him to find me when he was done, which he did. I remember what he said when I stopped smiling.
I'm not done saving this memory for a rainy day.
I smile as I lean forward to kiss his forehead, because it's the only part of his face that I can comfortably reach. He lifts his head and he moves up a bit so that he can kiss my lips.
"Ce jour-là j'aurais dit oui," That day I would have said yes, I say when he lifts his lips off of mine. I feel him chuckle lightly, and then he kisses me again.
I was telling the truth, and not because I felt like it was something I was supposed to, but because I genuinely wanted nothing more than to have him forever. As time went on after that, I think the thought of living my life like that for the rest of my life just started tasting more and more sour. The more I felt like I was only there for looks, I realized that marrying him would make that become my life for a long time.
It can't happen again. I can't move too quickly with him, because I need to find out if it's going to happen again or if it's really over like he said. I won't live my life with a man who only wants me there because it makes him look good. I want him to want me there because he feels good having me around, and he wants to spend time with me, and he wants my support. He's said that's what he wants, but how can I be sure he's not just saying that?
Later that night, I was cooking for him. He told me I didn't have to, but it gave me time to think. It gave me time to think of all the things I want to be sure of, the things I need out of this relationship if it's going to be one again. It gave me time to think about Arthur, our families and how they'd all react and what could happen if they find out too soon and we don't end up working out. I had already decided that I wasn't going to let their opinions get in the way of what I want, but I still need to take them into some consideration.
Charles is by the piano, playing some song he's practicing. He has his own songs now too. They're lovely, and earlier I called out and requested he play them while I'm cooking. So I could listen, humming along with the melody as I was cutting up some vegetables and chicken.
"Avez-vous déjà appris le piano ?" Did you ever learn the piano? he yells from the piano in the living room.
"Pas très bien, non," Not very well, no, I reply.
"Avez-vous appris de la musique pendant votre absence ?" Did you learn any music at all when you were away? he asks.
I think about it as I put the chicken in the oven and go to finish off the salad. "Non, je n'ai pas appris la musique quand j'étais absent... c'est peut-être la seule chose que je n'ai pas faite," No, I didn't do any music when I was away... it might have been the only thing I didn't do, I answer as I realize I did a lot of sport and arts, but there was no music for me.
I think I walked out of a restaurant once because there was a piano playing there.
"Vraiment?" Really? He asks.
While I wait for the chicken in the oven, I walk into the living room and I look at Charles' back as he keeps playing. He doesn't realize that I've walked in, so I just lean on the doorframe for a little bit and I listen to him playing. He only notices I'm there when he looks over his shoulder because I forgot to reply to him.
"J'écoutais de la musique, bien sûr, mais je n'ai jamais essayé d'apprendre un instrument ou quoi que ce soit," I listened to music, sure, but I never tried to learn an instrument or anything, I shrug.
"Cela t'aurait rendu trop expérimenté," It would have made you too experienced, he chuckles and looks back at the keys in front of him. I chuckle too and I start to walk into the room.
Piano music was horrible for me in the beginning, and I never really got back into it either. Piano music to me, was laying on the couch or on the bed and listening to Charles playing something in the living room. Hearing a piano only reminded me of that, so I stayed away from it as much as I could. It was meant for home, and I wasn't home.
I walk up to the piano and I stand next to him, watching his fingers dance across the keys. I can't get my fingers to multitask like that anyway, so piano is impossible for me. But he makes it look so effortless. He looks up at me and then stops playing. I hated when he'd stop playing just because I walked into the room or anything, and I'd always ask him to continue playing. Sometimes he'd do it. This time he put his hand on the back of my thigh and he ran it up and down a few times.
"Le dîner est prêt dans vingt minutes," Dinner is done in twenty minutes, I inform him as I run my fingers through the back of his hair. He hums and then wraps his arms around my legs to get me to sit down next to him.
Last time we kissed on the piano, Arthur and Pascale nearly walked in on us. I remember it so vividly as we're sitting in the exact same spot, almost exactly six years ago.
"Je peux t'apprendre" I can teach you, he says.
"Je suis une cause perdue... Tu te souviens quand Arthur a essayé de m'apprendre ?" I'm a lost cause... Remember when Arthur tried to teach me?
"Donc Arthur est un horrible professeur," Arthur is a horrible teacher then, he replies.
"Connaissez-vous les clés et leurs noms ?" You know the keys and their names?
"Oui," I reply while nodding. "Et juste quelques chansons pour enfants avec ma main droite." And just a few children's songs with my right hand.
"D'accord, alors nous travaillerons sur votre main gauche," Okay, then we'll work on your left hand, he says with a smile, grabbing my left wrist and putting my hand on the piano.
For a few minutes he teaches me how to use my left hand with the songs I do know. He tells me it's easier to learn how to play a song by learning segments at a time, learning each hand separately and then putting them together. So he taught me a little tricker song, using my left hand first. When it was time for the right hand, he wrapped his arm around my waist to reach around me instead of over me. It meant I had to move a little closer to him.
It was nearly impossible for me to not lean into him, and even harder to look away from him. He was trying to show me the melody for the right hand, but because we were so close, he was basically whispering. I couldn't look away from him as he was talking.
When he finally noticed, he chuckled, gave me a quick kiss before he used his hand to make me look back at the keys. I tried to copy what he was doing, and I kept looking back up at him to see if I was doing it right. He smiles the whole time. He tells me I'm doing a good job. Until it's time to put the two hands together which is where my brain gets too messed up to do it. He laughs a little at me as I get frustrated with every little mistake.
"Je ne peux pas le faire !" I can't do it! I exclaim after a while.
He kisses my cheek, "il vous suffit de vous entraîner !" you just need to practice!
"Mais ça ne va pas mieux." But it's not getting better.
"Cela fait vingt minutes que nous sommes assis ici, cela prend encore du temps !" We've been sitting here for twenty minutes, it takes more time!
That's when I remember the chicken and I immediately get off the chair and rush into the kitchen. Luckily it wasn't burned and I got there just in time so it wouldn't get too dry. Charles follows me into the kitchen just as I get the chicken out of the oven, so he gets the plates out.
I place the chicken on the kitchen island and then lean my back against the kitchen counter, letting out a relieved sigh, because I got a bit worried. He chuckles and places himself in front of me. He smiles as he leans down to kiss me.
"Tu es une femme aux multiples talents," You're a woman of many talents, he tells me. I hum as I nod slightly before pulling his lips back on mine.
It quickly gets more desperate as I push him closer to me, and he pushes me further into the edge of the kitchen island. It quickly gets more desperate, kissing faster, tongues get involved. It's like a switch randomly switched. I grab his neck and I make sure he doesn't stop kissing me, while his hands get involved in my hair before he slowly starts kissing my cheek, moving down to my neck, where he slows down and leaves softer kisses.
It's like he does something and I suddenly realize just how much I need him and enjoy having him with me again. It comes in waves. The desperate feeling comes in waves. I always want him, I always enjoy his company, but the need to have him this close and kiss him like this comes every time he does something small that just makes my heart beat a little faster. Like teaching me the piano with his arm around me. It makes my heart swell, and I need him.
But we need to move slower than this.
"Nous devrions dîner," We should have dinner, I whisper as my hands move around his waist to gently hold him to me, just to assure him that it's not that I didn't enjoy him kissing my neck like that.
He smiles, letting his hands get out of my hair, moving down to my cheeks to hold my face. He smiles as he nods, completely understanding, just leaving a final kiss on my lips before he starts making a plate, working around me.
The next day, it's the day we have to go home. We'll go our own ways for a little bit. As we stand in his room, packing up, I start to feel more and more how I don't want to leave. I do want to stay there with them. I don't want to go home to my empty apartment. But I know I can't come with him, and he can't come with me either.
"Prenons une dernière baignade," Let's take one last swim, he says as I frown at my suitcase. "Allons à cette falaise et sautons de là" Let's go to that cliff and jump in from there, he adds with a grin on his face.
"Avez-vous perdu la raison?" Have you lost your mind? I ask. He can't think I'd be up to that.
"Êtes-vous en train de me dire que vous n'avez pas fait ça lorsque vous étiez absent ?" You're telling me you didn't do that when you were away? He asks in disbelief.
I think about it, knowing damn well I did, more than once. There's just something about being with him that makes me turn right back into the girl I used to be before. Scared and reserved. Why do I think it's insane to jump off a cliff into the water with Charles but not with total strangers I met on the other side of the world?
"Je l'ai fait..." I did... I admit.
"Alors pourquoi pas?!" So why not?!
"Je ne sais pas... faisons-le," I don't know... let's just do it, I reply while shaking my head as I get my bikini out. I can't go back to who I was before just because he comes back into my life. I refuse to let that happen. I was doing so well, and I really like who I became during my time away, I'm not going to let myself go.
So we changed into bathing suits under our regular clothes. I put my big hat on just for fun and we walked through the big field towards the cliff. Charles holds my hand and he basically drags me there. When we get there, we realize we shouldn't have brought our things with us, because now we have to come back and get them.
Charles looks down at the water below, and I start to wonder if he's thought this through. He gets undressed, deciding to keep his shoes on to protect his feet. I watch him, but I don't move, as I hesitate a bit. Has he jumped from here before? Are there rocks? Why am I nervous?
He looks at me, waiting for me to get undressed and join him. I finally decide that I have to do it and I take my shorts and my t-shirt off along with the big hat. Charles places a kiss on my forehead and he takes my hand and we walk up to the edge together. We both look down, and I feel something in my stomach. I grip his hand tighter.
I don't know if I want to do it.
He smiles at me, an excited glimmer in his eyes while he smiles. He seems to see the worry on my face and he tells me it's going to be okay. He even offers to jump first. I don't know if I want him to jump first so that he's there when I hit the water, or if I want to jump with him to have him by my side and go through it together.
The fall. It might be fun, but will it hurt when I hit the surface, when I'm under it with water all around me? Falling might be the fun part. Will I really allow myself to fall from this edge? Charles leaves a kiss on my temple, and then he jumps. I see him fall. I see him hit the surface and I wait for him to come back up for air. I don't know if I want to fall.
His head pops up, and he looks up at me smiling. Falling seems okay for him. Hitting the surface seems okay for him. He yells at me to jump. He wants me to step off the edge I feel like I've been walking on for three years. He wants me to fall, hit the surface, and he'll be there.
I take a deep breath. I take a leap off the edge, and I fall.
//
I hope everyone who celebrated had a merry Christmas <3
I'm home visiting family which is why this part took so so so long. If I don't update before New Years... Happy New Year!