I begin my safe cycle that I had been doing for the past two weeks now. I eat breakfast, go to school and try to focus. But nothing makes sense anymore and it shows in my results.
Biology coming next, I'm a little excited about it since then I'll see Fox. He made me feel a bit better usually.
"Hey." I greet him, taking a seat next to him. Our project still wasn't finished so we started to work with it right away. We were soon distracted by mr Perry coming to our class, smiling like he had something great planned.
"What is he planning again?" Fox asks with a heavy sigh.
"Maybe he wants us to get some new acids from the lab, since the last time we did so well there." I whisper to him with a smirk.
"Yeah, we could definitely test some new acids on my skin too." He continues my joke. We both laugh at that until mr. Perry shushes us to be quiet.
"Hi class, if you could stop working on your projects for five minutes now. I have something important to say." Mr. Perry starts smiling that bad-news smile.
We glance at each other with Fox, both wondering what the heck would this lead to.
"So, I've been planning on a trip for you guys for a while. You all know that Germany is one of the top countries in biology and chemistry. It's way ahead of any other country, except for China."
"What the hell. What trip?" Fox mutters and we glance at each other again, my confusion is reflected at his eyes.
"So, we decided that it would be a great opportunity to plan a trip for this extra biology course. I know how hard you all study this subject so I think it's fair due to the extra work you do. The covers are all taken care of by Germany sponsors since they want to grow their business too." Mr. Perry keeps explaining, making me even more confused.
"He wants to take us to Germany? I can't just go to Germany?" I shake my head in disbelief. What the fuck was this idea?
"You can 'just go to Germany', and since it's part of this course now, you kind of have to. But I promise it's going to be fun!" The teacher says and smiles brightly.
"I don't want to go?" I whisper at Fox.
"I don't really think we have much choices." Fox says and glances at me, he doesn't look excited either.
The main thing is: I don't have a single friend except for Fox in this class. And he has his own friend group here, so he probably doesn't want to be with me the whole time. I prefer to be alone in classes since that way I can work better but in a trip? It would be awkward to be all by myself the whole time.
"How long are we going to be there?" Someone asks behind me.
"Five days, four nights. So we can learn as much as possible!" Mr Perry cheers.
"Five?!" I whisper-yell. I can't be that long, what about my weight loss? What if someone notices my eating habits or I faint or... i don't know but that sounds like literal hell.
"Shit." Fox whispers and I bang my head to the table. I don't want to go. "You okay?" He asks after I don't pull my head back up. I was too tired to leave to fucking Germany to learn some shit. Didn't I have enough problems in my life already?
"Yea." I mutter, completely lying.
***
"No way!" Abby yells out when I tell them what mr. Perry decided to do.
"I'm so jealous." Dahlia sighs and puts her head to Leo's shoulder.
"Jealous?! I don't want to go!" I argue.
"Why, that's so cool chance?" Abby asks obviously jealous too.
"Hmm, let's think: 1. I don't have any friends, 2. It's FIVE DAYS? 3-" I quit talking as I realised I couldn't tell them the third one. My weight loss. They haven't said a single word about my body looking different so far, so I wouldn't bring it up either. They had to notice at some point that I was thinner, right? But in Germany, I wouldn't be able to workout, purge after binge, starve... for five days. Five!
"That's bullshit, you literally hang out with Fox after school." Dahlia says looking annoyed.
"For school project!" I snap. My nerves were really tested right now, I thought I could maybe vent just this one thing for them but no. "You don't understand." I mutter, trying to not snap at anyone anymore.
"I think we do, you just won't listen." Abby snaps at me.
"No, you're not listening to me." I say and glare at her.
"Livia you're being unfair now, so many people would want to go on that trip, you're being selfish-" Dahlia glares at me but I cut her off.
"Just shut up, I didn't choose to go there did I? I don't want to go there!" I say and glare at Dahlia back.
"You have two stupid reasons, suck it up Liv. Don't always be so dramatic." Leo rolls his eyes looking annoyed and pressing Dahlia against his shoulder, making me somehow even more annoyed than I was a minute ago.
"I'm not dramatic!" I yell out in anger, in the past days my tiredness had slowly turned into being angry all the time. Everything pissed me off and I didn't know how to be nice again. I felt like yelling at everyone and everything. Like I did.
"Livia shut up you're embarrassing us!" Leo yells back, which pisses me off even more.
"I'm embarrassing you?! Just fucking look at yourself and then tell me what's embarrassing!" I rant with a loud voice.
People around the cafeteria started to pour their eyes at our table but I was too tired-angry to even care anymore. My suffering was all because Leo told me I was fat. He started my every life problem and now he is telling me that I am the embarrassment?
My mind had so much hatred towards him that it all came crashing down right now. Everything he had said came back to my mind and I just wanted to let it all out.
"How the fuck am I embarrassing? Look at your body before talking you fat whore." Leo shouts.
It's stupid, but my eyes start to water. Was I still fat? I thought 130 was enough, everything I'd done to achieve this, starve, purge, lie, everything was nothing? Because I was still fat...?
"Leo..." Dahlia says and gets away from his shoulder. But she doesn't defend me, she just stays still. I stand up ready to get the fuck out but before leaving the cafeteria my feelings explode. I can't control my words, they just feel like coming outside without my permission.
"I'm a fat whore? Well you're a fucking mental fucking pig who has no fucking morals towards anyone! Let me tell you that every fucking cut I have in my arm is somehow related to you, you make me want to fucking kill my self and I hate you! I hate you! I hate you so much gosh you are stupid! I hate you I hate you I hate you!" I scream the loudest I've ever heard anyone yell. My breaking point had came to an end. Tears start to stream down my cheeks.
"Then go cut yourself again if I hurt your little feelings you pig! You're the most selfish person I've ever met, you treat Dahlia like shit when she tries to be nice for whatever reason she even has. There's nothing good in you, not even your looks. You're just insecure bitch!" Leo yells and my tears fall down like a waterfall now. Gosh this was embarrassing.
That's when I finally leave, I have no words left. I notice the whole cafeteria getting quiet, every single pair of eyes follow me when I run out. Tears are streaming down my cheeks like waterfalls and I've never felt so shitty in my life. Leo had ruined everything, my reputation was destroyed, my voice gone and people were staring directly at me as I passed them while running down the hallway to the nearest bathroom. I couldn't this anymore, I needed to feel.
***
So I did feel, I felt a lot. Mostly like a shit but after the bloody paper now covering my fresh cuts, I felt nothing. I was so numb that I didn't even feel the hot tears in my eyes coming out.
Calming down a bit, I realise that Leo was kind of right. I was a fat bitch after all. I was just insecure and blamed everyone else, I was mean to Dahlia because I wanted to have the same body that she did, except she just didn't need to work for it like I did. Not fair. They only told me the truth about my body and I was mad at then for it.
After a good ten minutes into thinking about how shitty I am and relapsing once again, I hear a bang on the bathroom door. My heart drops, I'm dead if a teacher sees me like this. They will tell about me to mom then, and I love mom too much, I can't let her know how hard time I'm having right now. She'd just worry and I don't want her to worry about me. I want her to be proud of me and not see me like this. She will never know about my cutting nor my eating habits. I won't let her know, even if it meant shutting her off from my life. I just couldn't.
"Livia are you there?" An urgent voice asked. But it wasn't a teacher, it was Fox. Fox who probably agreed how bad person I was, like Leo said. I was a horrible person. And selfish. But when I'd be skinny it would end, then everything would be alright.
I don't answer, I don't want him to see me like this. Blood on my hands, mascara running down my face and fat, fat, fat piggy.
"Livia?" He asks and keeps banging on the door. I hear the clock go but he won't leave. "Someone saw you coming here, I know you're here. Please just open the door." He says. Doesn't he know how selfish I am? How shitty I am? Is he just pitying me and that's why he wanted to be my biology partner and all...?
"Go away I don't need you." I say with the coldest tone I can possibly find in me. I don't need him worrying about me. I'm totally fine.
"Livia let me inside, I'm worried." He begs me.
"I'm fine." I say again, but this time my voice cracks a little. I know he notices since the bangs get louder.
"Open this door please I'm begging you." He begs once again.
"No." I snap.
"Fine, then I'll ask a teacher to open this." He says and stops banging.
"You wouldn't do that." I mutter.
"We'll see about that." He says and I can hear him walking away from the bathroom. He wouldn't... right?
"Fine! Just, please don't tell anyone." I shout to him.
"Let me in." Fox says and is behind the door again.
"Just a second!" I yell annoyed, pull my sleeve down quickly and bury the bloody paper to the garbage. Thank god I had worn a black hoodie today, I'd be in a deep shit if I wore a white one. I wash the blood from my hands then, it's sticky and hard to get off, but I manage to do it anyway.
I then walk slowly to the door and the second I open it, Fox barges inside and scans me up and down to see if I was okay. He doesn't hesitate a second before pulling me into a tight hug, stroking my hair gently.
"Are you okay?" He asks while still hugging me.
"I'm fine." I lie, but for some reason my eyes water and the words felt like they stuck to my throat. Outside came a wobbly noice that made me embarrassed. I thought all my tears were gone, but somehow there were still left.
Then we just stood there, for a long time. At least it felt like a long time. I started to cry pathetically and Fox held me even tighter, as if I might break if he let go. And I didn't really mind, in fact I felt like breaking at that point. I felt like my heart had shattered into a million pieces and I didn't even notice it until I was in Fox's arms. I felt like shit and he seemed to know it. His warm arms comforted me. Although in the back of my mind, the voice telling me that I didn't deserve comfort, was loud. I should suffer, that's what horrible persons were supposed to do. He was supposed to let go. But Fox didn't let me go, instead he pressed his cheek on top of my head and soothed my hair in the calmest way possible.
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