TW: (self harm, gore, blood)
Y/n pov:
I get ready to call an Uber so I don't have to pay extra to park at the airport wile Johnnie packs his bag.
We are only packing a bag each as well since we will only be gone for a few days.
I'm glad Johnnie wanted to come with me, it's going to be rough going back but having him there will make it so much better.
*skip to after the flight* (because that would just be boring)
I had texted my mom before we got on the plan so she would be there to get us, she seems more excited than she was the last time I had talked to her.
We start walking around the corner from baggage and my mom and sister are standing there waiting. I run up to my sister and give her a hug. I missed her so much out of anyone.
"I missed you" she says crying
"I missed you too"
I go over to my mom and hug her and introduce Johnnie to them both. Then we go off to the car.
Johnnie:" I'm very nervous"
Y/n:" you will be okay, I promise" I say grabbing onto his hand in the backseat of my mom's car.
Mom:"so how did you guys meet?"
Y/n:" he is Tara's fiancées best friend"
Y/n:" I met him when I first got to Tara's"
Mom:" that's sweet, your little group is just constantly a double date at that point"
Y/n:"yeah" I chuckle
Aurora(sister):" I've been excited to meet you Johnnie"
Johnnie:" I've been excited to meet all of you! Don't get me wrong I'm a tad bit nervous"
Aurora:" no need to be! We won't nag at you too much" she laughs
Y/n:" hey mom where's dad?"
Aurora:" I don't think she wants to talk about that right now"
What's that even supposed to mean?
Mom:"y/n honey, a lot of things have changed"
Y/n:"okay? So just tell me"
Aurora:" mom cheated on dad, he don't live with us anymore"
Mom:" aurora for fuck sake, you could have explained a little better"
Y/n:" I mean cheating is cheating. But are you happy now?"
Mom:" I don't need an attitude from you. And yes I'm very happy"
I stayed quiet the rest of the ride home. I cannot believe that. I haven't been gone that long.
We get to my old house, the house that has caused me so much pain. I didn't think it would make me feel this way seeing it again but I'm not going to lie, it's a dread feeling.
Mom:" your room is still the exact way you left it"
Y/n:" thank you"
Mom:" we haven't had time to fix it, make sure to take all you want back with you. We are getting rid of it all"
Ouch.
It's like she's trying to erase me.
I grab Johnnie's hand along with our bags and we walk in.
Johnnie:" you didn't tell me your house is big"
Y/n:" not my house"
Johnnie:" well you didn't tell me it was" he said laughing .
Y/n:" yeah well I guess after this time I won't be coming back"
Johnnie's pov:
Every since we met up with y/ns mom is have been a very tense vibe. I feel so bad, a part of me don't know if I should have even came or let her deal with this herself. Would me being here even help?
We get in the car and they are all talking. Her mom cheated on her dad. Y/n seemed very upset about that and understandably so.
All I can think of to do is grab her hand and try and comfort her.
We pull in to the very nice subdivision and pull into a drive way, the house is huge. Probably the size of a 8 person family.
I didn't know her house was so big.
We start to walk upstairs to her room and I'm still hanging onto her hand. I don't know how these next few days are going to play out but I can already tell there is something off.
Once we get into y/ns room she shuts the door behind her.
Johnnie:" are you doing okay?"
Y/n:" yeah of course why wouldn't i be?"
Johnnie:" don't lie to me. Everything just seems off right now"
Y/n:" I shouldn't be here right now. I left for a reason.
Johnnie:" what made you want to come back?"
Y/n:" I did it for my sister. I hate that she has to be here and most likely go through the same stuff I am"
Johnnie:" well I'm here for you okay?"
Y/n:" thank you Johnnie"
She walks away and just starts observing her old bedroom and I just stand patiently behind her looking where she's looking.
She has black walls with a set of string lights around the ceiling, dark wood floors and covering that is a black fluffy rug. A nice sized bed with black curtains draping each corner. A desk over to the side with some notebooks and cds.
Her sliding closet with mirrors build into each door covered in tape. The closet is bare only a few hangers. And other door leading to her own bathroom.
I take a glance into the bathroom and can't help to see what I assume is dried blood on the floors and counter. I move my eyes from the trail of blood I see from the bathroom and can piece together another trail I had missed from first examining coming into the main part of her room.
I feel like I'm actually seeing a part of her she hasn't talked about. I feel the energy in the room and it's not pleasent.
Johnnie:"hey babe" I say pulling her from behind
Y/n:" yeah?" She says leaning into me.
Johnnie:" we really dont have to stay here if you don't want"
Y/n: "I'm fine for now"!
Johnnie:" at anytime I can get us into a hotel. Don't be afraid to tell me"
Y/n:" I'm sure I'll be fine" she says but seems very unsure herself.
Y/n pov:
(Flashback)
I go into my bathroom, I cannot bare the feeling of not being wanted or listened to anymore. I look myself in the mirror and tons of thoughts cross my mind.
You look so pathetic.
Your just a piece of shit.
Your better off not here anymore you'd make so many people's lives better.
I can't help but to start to feel the things that are constantly said about me being true. I look at myself and all I see is the reason my brother killed himself, I see a weirdo, I start to see why everyone at school fucks with me.
I stare at myself and I start feeling bad because I see the girl who is struggling, struggling to fit in, to be listened too, to feel wanted. I feel bad for the little girl who only wanted a friend. The little girl who just wanted her mom and dad to be there and understand her. The little girl who just wanted to have someone to talk too.
Then I start to break down the only thing I want to be able to do anymore is feel. I want to feel in control of the pain I deal with.
I sit on the ground crying. I pull open the drawer and pull out a blade. I run my ringers across the shiny sides.
At this point tears are running down my face where I can't see anymore everything is blurry. I lift the blade and run it across my wrist. I keep doing that motion and each time I'm thinking of a different reason to feel this.
In some way I was feeling a relief from all the pain built up. As each cut formed on my wrists it felt as if a singular worry, doubt, heart ache would disappear.
I finally snap out of it and look at what I had done.
Shit....
These are bad.
I stand up to wash them off. The sink starts to run red and the cuts seem to just keep pouring out more and more. I don't know what else to do but just sit back down from being so dizzy.
Everything goes black.
(End of flashback)
I feel bad that Johnnie is here witnessing and feeling the same emotions i went through. It's weird that a place that formed so much trauma holds so much of that energy.
I can tell since we gotten off the plane I've distanced myself from him I didn't mean too. I've not talked much to him. Maybe it wasn't a good idea coming back.
Y/n:" hey babe"
Johnnie:" yes?" He says rubbing my back
Y/n:" I love you"
Johnnie:" I love you too sweetheart"
I then stop talking again. I just don't even know how to mentally function.
We go downstairs for dinner with my mom and sister
I tell myself we will head to bed after. Then we will get through the next day and head home. That's all we have to do. I'm doing this for my sister.
Johnnie and I sit down beside each other I look over at him and he gives me a smile. The smile was as if he's telling me I got this and to just push through.
Aurora:" you guys are cute together"
Johnnie:" y/n has the looks in the relationship"
Y/n:" oh stop" I say blushing
Mom:" I'm glad you have finally found someone"
Aurora:"yeah it's about time" she says jokingly
Y/n:" that's rude" I say laughing. My sister and I have a weird way of messing with each other.
Mom:" so Johnnie, what do you do?"
Johnnie:" well for a wile I've done YouTube and I do streaming videos where I just chat with my followers or play games. Here recently I've started playing music for then because that's something I've always loved. And now I make music."
Aurora:" you make music?"
Johnnie:" yup, I just had my first show. Y/n came with me"
Mom:"so you just do YouTube?"
Johnnie:" well yes, streaming and music as well now"
Mom:" what's a long term goal you have with your career?"
Why is she being rude.
Y/n:" mom"
Mom:" I'm asking because I care y/n. If your going to be with him he need to end up having some financial stability"
Y/n:" ummm, yeah that is rude. I make money for posting on instagram, Tara pays her bills from YouTube, what makes you think he isn't making money from what he's doing?"
Mom:" I'm sorry Johnnie, I didn't mean to sound rude. I really do apologize"
Here she goes.
Aurora:" what kind of music you do?"
Johnnie:" well there was this one song I was working on and I preformed it for the first time at the show. It was actually for y/n"
Aurora:"that is so sweet can we hear it?"
Johnnie then pulls his phone out and plays the song for them.
Johnnie:" pretty much I wrote it for her but it was to show her I love her and trying to express that to her with the fear of saying it"
Mom:" well y/n it seems you find better men than I do"
Y/n:" if I may ask what even happened with you and dad?"
Mom:" there was a lot sweetie but I found someone who treats me better at work and well yes I did cheat on your dad."
Aurora: he's a piece of shit"
I've never heard her talk like that before.
Mom:"Aurora!"
*skip the rest of dinner*
Johnnie goes back upstairs to my room to edit some videos wile I caught up with my sister. My mom already went to sleep for the night. I go to Auroras room and we are hanging out.
She has changed quite a bit too I must say. She seems to be a lot like me. We are talking for a bit and I happen to see exactly what I use to do.
Y/n:" nice bracelets"
Aurora:" oh these, thanks" she says figuring them out
Y/n:" you know you can always call or text me right"
Aurora:"I know"
Y/n:" how are you doing? Mentally? I know things must be hard"
Aurora:" I'm fine"
Y/n:" your lying"
She stays quiet a bit.
Aurora:" why do you say that?"
Y/n:" your bracelets. I did the same thing"
Aurora:" they are not that bad" she says admitting to what I thought it was.
Y/n:" what's going on?"
Aurora:" you can't say anything"
Y/n:" never" I say holding her hands
Aurora:" moms boyfriend"
Y/n:" what about him"
Aurora:" he hates me.... He's beat me when mom's not around, but I've told her and he will beat me for 'lying'"
Y/n:" awe Aurora honey" I say hugging her.
Y/n:" I love you so much. The only reason I came back was for you, you know that right?"
Aurora:"really?"
Y/n:" yes"
Aurora:" you know I was mad you left me behind"
Y/n:" it was the best for me"
Aurora:" you didn't care about me, you still don't"
Y/n:" that's not true. That's why I'm back now here with you"
Aurora:" but you will be going back to have a better life and leave me here being beat and treated like shit. You only think of yourself"
Y/n:" I'm an adult I'm aloud to leave, I hate I had to leave you here. I don't know what else I can do"
Aurora:" just leave, don't come back. You did it for the best and left us behind. Better yet you left me behind. Now I'm just like you"
I don't say a single word I just get up and walk out of her room. My feelings are so dull with no thought I walk into the kitchen. Blankly staring at the sink just thinking about what I've just done.
I ruined my sister, I left her I betrayed her. I should have stayed here to protect her, but I was selfish. I look down at the sink and there is a singular knife.... Like it was calling for me.
I reach down and grab it and without any other thought I dig it into my arm, I start at the top of my wrist and drag it all the way to the bend of my arm, I drop the knife in pain.
Shit. I did it again.
I fall to the ground and start sobbing.
Johnnie's pov:
I think it's getting to bad. We need to get out of here. I know she already booked our flight to go back in a few days but I will pay for a new one.
I hate seeing her like this. I close my laptop from editing and start looking around y/ns room. I know that's wrong of me but I just wanted to get a feel of who she use to be.
I found a note jammed into her desk. I pull it out and start to read it.
It's a suicide note.
I finish reading it and I start to cry. I love y/n with my whole heart. I need to be here to protect her. I promised her....
Shit she has been gone a wile. I need to check on her. I walk out of her room and start to go down the stairs. I hear a clank of metal and then a few second later I here a loud drop.
I make my way faster to the kitchen where I heard the comotion. There she is laying on the ground. Blood pouring from her wrist.
That's the last thing I'd ever want to see happen to her.
I run over to her and pull her up.
"Babe can you hear me" I say
"Hmmm" she mumbled
" I'm going to bring you to your room so we are out of the kitchen" I say picking her up and carrying her up the stairs.
We get into her room and I lay her on the bed.
Johnnie:" rag?"
Y/n:" bathro-" she can't get a full sentence out.
I rush into her bathroom and start rummaging through her drawers and pullout a rag. I damp it with water and rush it back and push it on her arm.
Johnnie:" can you hold this down"
She holds it onto her wrist. I grab into my wallet and pull out my secret stash of butterfly stitches. I've learned to keep them on hand.
"Why do you have those" she says laughing
"Why are you even laughing right now you are bleeding everywhere" I say with confusion
"I barley remember even doing this" she says
I was right we need to go. Now!
I finish bandaging her up. I run downstairs to get her a glass of water and I see a puddle of blood from where she collapsed at. I cleaned it up and went back to her room.
"Please drink this" I say handing her the glass of water.
"I'm sorry Johnnie" she says crying
"Don't be sorry"
"I'm a mess" she says
"I'm calling an Uber we are leaving" I say walking over to her giving her a kiss on her forehead.
"We don't have too"
"We are. Now do you have bandage wrap?"
"Bathroom" she says pointing
I go in there and found it in the medicine cabinet. I go back and wrap her arm up, the butterfly stitches helped a lot but it needed some pressure as well. She really could go for stitches.
"If you went any deeper you would have hit a vein" I say very concerned.
"I don't even remember"
"We will talk when we leave. Now is there anything you need in your bag?" I ask putting my stuff in my bag and calling an Uber at the same time.
"I didn't unpack anything"
I finish getting all our stuff together and I sit next to y/n, I put my arm around her and hug her. We sit like that in the silence until the Uber arrives.
I give her one of my jackets and pull her out with me.
We silently make our way downstairs and out the door. We get into the Uber and I tell him the address and we head to the hotel.
Y/n pov:
Once we got out of the Uber Johnnie helps me out of the car. I'm so thankful for him but I also feel so bad he had to deal with that.
I never really gave it a thought how bad coming here would be for me. I am such a piece of shit for leaving my sister though. That is something I'm never going to forgive myself for.
Johnnie gets us checked in and we head to our room.
He opens the room door for me and locks it behind him.
"What happened" he asks
I tell him all about the conversation I had with my sister and how she is pissed at me and wanted me to leave.
"I'm so sorry babe" he says giving me a hug
"I feel like such a failure, I should have been there for her not leaving her" I say crying
"And like you said you did what's best for you. I'm so proud of you y/n"
"Thank you but I'm never going to give that up. I was so selfish"
"You putting your life and your mental health first isn't selfish"
"But what about my sister?" I ask
"We can figure something out okay?"
"Okay" I say looking down so upset with myself.
"I'm going to run you a bath relax and I'm going to call Jake, see if he can be at the airport in the morning"
Johnnie runs me a shower and I get in and try and relax. After a wile I get out and head back to Johnnie. All I want is him.
"Jake will be there tomorrow, we will figure something out" he says giving me a big hug.
"Did you tell him what happened" I ask hoping he didn't
"Yes, we are all worried about you babe. We need to get you back home"
We lay down for the night and Johnnie holds me all night. Every time I'd wake up from my sleep Johnnie would still be up checking on me. I love him so much. I am glad I finally have someone here for me.
But I need to help my sister.
🫶🏻 thank you guys so much! Sorry for such a deep chapter. I hope you enjoy I have a lot more fun stuff coming soon. I tried my best to pour myself into this chapter. I've dealt with a lot of this in my life. I've kind of based that on me and what I've gone through in a way. Not verbatim but quite a lot of that. It feels nice getting my story out and my thoughts. Writing had helped me a lot in such a bad place. Especially with it being winter it can get very depressing and you can find yourself falling back. But please every one of you, someone will listen, someone will talk to you. There are also so many ways to get the bad feelings you may feel off your back. Try writing about it. If you'd like or you think it may make you feel better you can comment a "story" of someone to help you get it off your chest like I did🖤 any of you can message me too.
Until next time
Word count: 3658