December 24th, 2006
I have to say, looking back, this year has been the most eventful of my lifetime. Working at Studio 60, I've made some of the greatest memories. Specifically with a special person that I'm honored to call my friend, Harriet. The blonde has stuck beside me since the moment I walked in the door. I was most certain that we wouldn't get along, due to previous experiences of mine, but she completely changed my mind.
I'll say I had a lot of preconceptions of her due to her faith and I unfairly misjudged her for it. Once I got to know I her, I realized just how open she was. I've always believed that—following the notion he exists—god loves all people. Harriet and I connected on that point and never looked back. Even though I don't necessarily believe, I support her faith and she supports me as well.
Tonight is Christmas Eve and everyone is supposed to be meeting at the bar. I debated on whether I'd actually go for many reasons. One of the biggest being Harriet but not just her; it's really Matt. Their constant on-again-off-again thing brings her much stress and therefore worries me too. I care about her a lot, more than I probably should.
I can't force her into leaving him and if that's not what she wants, I'm not going to fill her head with judgements either. Yet, every time I see them together I get this pain in my chest. At first I thought it might just be because I'm not attracted to men myself and it never made sense how someone so intelligent and beautiful could be with some like... well him.
Not to say Matt isn't a great guy, he is! He's funny and charming and if I was straight I might be attracted to him, myself. He's truly and all-American kinda guy but I just don't think they're compatible. Which lead me to believe that maybe I was just jealous and that made me feel like a terrible friend for a while. How could I be angry when she's only doing what makes her happy?
Until I realized, she wasn't as happy as she made it seem. The first night she came to our dressing room and cried into my arms was the day I died a little inside. She said she would leave him but—like most toxic relationships—she didn't. I don't blame her, she didn't know how. I extended myself to her, offered to help, to be there when she did it as encouragement but she declined.
So I've, quite painfully, let her do what she wants. That part of her life is separate from the one we have together. She doesn't even bring up Matt in our conversations anymore. I felt awful about it at first, thinking that I'd somehow let on my severe distrust of the man but that faded away. Now it's almost like he doesn't exist when we're alone, it's just us.
With that thought circling, I make up my mind that I will go to this bar tonight. I can't let a single person stop me from enjoying my life. Besides, he'll be there but when Harriet and I get around each other, he tends to make a getaway. I get the feeling he doesn't like me but I don't mind because it's mutual. All that truly matters is that we respect each other both professionally and as individuals.
I finish slipping on the tight dress, shimmying my way into it and adjusting as needed. Next is heels, makeup, a few accessories, and then I'm out the door. I arrive to the bar shortly after and look around to see if I can spot them. I feel eyes in the back of my head and I slowly turn to see Harriet staring at me.
She smiles softly and I head over with the same look on my face. She stands up and hugs me tightly, my hands wrapping around her waist and hers around my neck. My fingertips brush skin and I realize her dress must have an open back. Needless to say, that caused my mind—and subsequently my hands—to wander.
I managed to stop myself as they reach her hips and act as though I only did so to hold her at an arms length. I take the time to check her out, her smooth legs exposed due to the short fabric. She also wears silver high heels, very high in fact. My gaze reaches her face once more and she's blushing a bit. Any time she gets any sort of lingering attention from me she gets shy, which I find adorable.
It's always led me to believe she feels the same way about me as I feel about her but there's Matt to prove me wrong. "You look stunning" I whisper, "so do you" she sighs as she gently bites her lip. I take a seat next to her in the booth and I look around wondering where Matt is but I don't ask. I know he's here and it's not foreign for him not to be attentive to her.
I've never understood how he gets away with that considering it's obvious Harriet is a high maintenance girl—in the best way of course. She craves the affection and closeness from those she loves; I speak as though I know his girlfriend better than he does—I do actually. I order a drink and start mingling with the other cast members until there's a sudden announcement.
Karaoke is now open for anyone who wants to give it a go and don't be shy! There's a good chance you won't remember anyway!
I giggle softly to myself as the announcer himself is a bit tipsy. I feel a tap on my shoulder and turn to see Harriet with her head in her hand, elbow supporting her on the table. I'm always stunned by her beauty, it's unreal. "Are you gonna sing?" I raise my eyebrows, gesturing with my eyes to the stage "up there? No way" I chuckle.
"Why not?! Like he said... almost no one will remember tomorrow and also—you have a beautiful voice and I want to hear it" she whines and gives me puppy eyes that she knows I can't deny. "That was really good for my ego—but I really can't-" "yes you can. For me? Please" her hand lands on my thigh and my resistance disappears like magic.
"Ok" I sigh, "yay! I love you" she kisses my cheek happily before taking a sip of her drink and I fight the urge to place my hand over the spot. My body feels warm and it's definitely not the alcohol. I order a few shots, needing the liquid courage and then I head for the stage. No one has come up yet so I'll be the first which is nerve wracking on its own.
"What ya singing, pretty lady?" I glance up to see the dj and she smiles warmly at me, "ummm Santa Baby" I answer shyly. "Oh? There's a special someone in the crowd?" I shake my head but avert my eyes from hers, "I know that look... you don't have to tell me. You picked a versatile one, so make the most of it whether cute or... sexy" I look up at her and she winks.
After a few presses of various buttons on her keyboard, the music begins to play. I thank her quickly and take to the mic, holding it with both hands. My eyes land on Harriet who has her head in both hands with a big smile on her face. 'You got this' she mouths and it gives me enough courage to actually follow through. Then again, I would do anything to make her smile.
Santa, baby
Just slip a sable under the tree, for me
Been an awful good girl
I decided to take the dj's advice and go a bit on the risky side. I sway my hips a little to the rhythm and put my mouth close to the mic. I purposely make my voice a little more breathy than usual, almost like whispering. I look around the room to see a few people turning to me but I only feel one pair of eyes. I turn to her and I can tell I have all her attention.
Think of all the fun I've missed
Think of all the fellas that I haven't kissed
Next year I could be just as good
If you check off my Christmas list
I smile to myself and decide to up the ante, not holding anything back. I push a few hairs behind my ear as I know that's something she likes. I always keep my hair in front of them because I'm a bit insecure about my ears but she always moves it; telling me that I never have to hide from her. As I glance back at her, I see Matt walking over and I feel a bit nervous all of a sudden.
He comes over to her and has to tap her a few times to release her from her trance. I can't hear what she says but she waves dismissively and keeps glancing at me. Then she puts on her serious face and I'm not sure about the contents of her remark but he walked away not seeming happy. Her eyes return to me, however, and it's like everything was already forgotten.
Santa, cutie
And fill my stocking with a duplex
And checks, sign your 'x' on the line
Santa, cutie
And hurry down the chimney tonight
Come and trim my Christmas tree
With some decorations bought at Tiffany's
I really do believe in you
Let's see if you... believe in me
I continue with my sensual movements and catch the dj out the corner of my eye. She winks at me subtly nods her head in the direction of Harriet. I wonder how she knew? In a moment of delusion, I convince myself that maybe there is a tension that exists between us. One that's meaningful and tangible—even to those around us.
I suppose that only leaves one thing. I feel it, it seems other can feel it... but does she?
Santa, baby
Forgot to mention one little thing: a ring
I don't mean on the phone
Santa, baby
So hurry down the chimney tonight
I step off the stage and a bit of applause ensues. I make a beeline for Harriet and the rest of the group praises me for my singing which I just dismiss. I feel a tug at my arm and notice the blonde nod to the bar. She takes my hand and pulls me in that direction, finding us seats at the far end of the counter.
"You were a hit" she nudges me playfully, "I was ok" I counter. The bartender comes around and Harriet orders us several rounds of shots to 'celebrate'. "You were wonderful. Everyone loved you... but me the most" I turn to her and she stares deeply into my eyes. I find myself getting lost in them until I feel her hand on my thigh again.
I glance down at it and back to her as she gently rubs it up and down. I'm used to her being affectionate but I think the alcohol is just heightening all my senses and emotions. It clearly does something to her as well, her touchiness only increasing as we continue to drink. As she rambles on about her upcoming trip to her parents, I play with the tinsel hanging on the bar.
I accident tear off a piece and in my slight haze I just take it in my hands. I somehow manage to get it formed into a circle, smiling goofily as I hold it up a little. "What's that?" My eyes dart to hers and an uncontrollable grin forms on my face. I lift it higher and place it on her head to which she giggles. "You made me a tinsel crown?" She questions funnily, "for my ice princess" I answer as though it's the most normal expression to ever leave my mouth.
"Yours, huh?" I furrow my eyebrows until I realize what I just said and shake my head slowly. "You know what I meant" I chuckle dismissively and her gaze loses mine for a moment, finding it again only seconds later. "And if I wanted it to mean more...?" I just look at her with probably the dumbest look of confusion on my face.
"If you mean what I think you mean... that's- it's not possible" I answer. I may not like the guy but I will not be the one she cheats on him with. As much as I love her, I have honor even to those I don't necessarily like. This all just doesn't make sense to me because Harriet isn't even the cheating type. "Why not?" I return my eyes to her only to see she's giving me doe eyes.
Looking into those eyes will make you want to risk it all but I restrain myself—literally—I put my hands under my thighs. "Matt" I state, knowing that one word is enough to explain myself. "I broke up with him" she whispers and I wonder if that's what happened tonight? "When?" I ask on autopilot as my mind tries to decipher why she's saying this.
I know when Harriet is drunk and now is not one of those times. We may have had a few shots but the little goody two shoes can surprisingly hold her liquor well. It would take much more to get her into such a thoughtless state. "Last week" she answers, "why didn't you tell me?" I want to believe her but it just raises more questions.
"I didn't want to ruin the holidays for you" she mutters, "that's sweet but now the truth" I quip. I know this woman better than I know the back of my hand and I know when she's lying. "I broke up with him because of you" she whispers and I meet her eyes to see they're a bit glazed over. She smiles despite that, even though her lip quivers.
"What do you—what does that mean?" I stutter, hoping sincerely that I didn't say anything wrong to influence her. I won't lie and say that I didn't want them to break up but I also never wished it would be at my words. If it was, it really doesn't mean anything then. She had to do it for her. "It wasn't fair to him or me. Not when I'm in love with someone else" she voices shyly.
"You're..." "in love with you? Yes. I am" she finishes and my eyes widen in surprise. I can usually tell Harriet's next move or words; not because she's predictable either. I just know her inside and out, in a way I've never known anyone else in fact. "I don't mean to sound dogmatic or like... as if I know what you're thinking but—I do" she smiles while laughing lightly.
"And... I know you you're at the very least attracted to me—that you like me. I also know you have a tendency to not trust people's words so..." she leans closer and places her hand so gently against my cheek that I barely feel it, yet it's also the only thing I can feel in this moment. "Can I show you?" I stare at her for what feels like hours, not being able to reply.
"Harriet..." I sigh, "yes, darling" her face is so close the tips of our noses are only separated by a thin sheet of air. "If you kiss me..." "yes..." I close my eyes for a second, mustering up the courage to open them once more. "You can't take it back if you do this... I don't think I would survive that" I confess sadly, "good thing you have to. I'd never dream of taking it back. I want to kiss you, and only you... for the rest of my life" the sincerity in her tone and eyes screams at me and leaves no room for doubt.
"Do it... kiss me... please" her lips press against mine and everything else seems to fade away. The sounds of the music dulls along with the chatter of people and glasses clinking. All I can feel is her. I hear her heart and breathing, smell her favorite perfume, her hands on my face and thigh.
All that keeps me from floating away is her hold on me and the slightly bitter taste of vodka on her tongue. Though that doesn't deter me, as the taste has become familiar. How could I not remember her favorite drink? Chopin vodka. I'm momentarily transported to one of my first memories with blonde...
I'm wandering through the halls when I hear something shatter. I follow the sound of disgruntled mumbles and find Harriet in the green room, crouched down. I stand there for a moment, watching her. She tosses what looks to be remains of a broken glass in the bin and grabs another. A clear liquid that is certainly not water is then emptied into the glass.
I make my presence known by clearing my throat and she turns to me. I was going to tease her but upon seeing her face, it's clear she's not in the mood. So instead I decide to try and lift her mood by distracting her from whatever is worrying her. It's not like we're friends but seeing anyone upset just leaves a dreadful feeling in my stomach.
"Whatcha drinkin'?" I ask and she lifts the bottle as she unceremoniously quaffs the contents of her glass. I step closer to take a look and it's something I've never even heard of. It doesn't surprise me that she would drink something so fancy, however. "Chopin... oh it's vodka" she giggles and I look up at her with a bewildered expression.
She covers her mouth as she bites back her amusement until she can finally speak. "You umm... you pronounced it wrong" she informs me, much to my chagrin. "Oh..." I chuckle nervously, "its show-pan not..." she breaks out in giggles but quickly recovers. "I'm sorry, ok let me start over" she takes a deep breath but fails at first and I can't help but smile.
Those feelings of humiliation quickly faded at seeing her smile and knowing that I was the cause of her happiness. Knowing I have the ability of lifting her spirits somehow makes me feel like the luckiest woman in the world. "Ok... so it's show-pan, it's a polish vodka" she tells me and I see an opportunity to make her laugh even more so obviously I take it.
I repeat after her derisively and I achieve my goal of making her laugh even harder than before...
We talked for hours that night, getting to know each other. Whatever had been bothering her was long forgotten and the rest is history. So as I pull away from her, I realize how far we've come. And as she says 'yes' to being my girlfriend, I finally find something to top the joy I felt that first night with her.
Harriet Hayes, you are the light of my life
~
She glances up at me, from the paper I tore out of my journal for her, with tears in her eyes. That was three years ago now that I wrote that and it's my first time showing it to her. I found the little leather-bound book in the back of our closet, collecting dust, a few days ago. It isn't any sort of special occasion but then again it doesn't have to be for me to express my love for her.
"This is like... our entire love story" she whispers, "I'm pretty thorough, I know" I say sassily and she giggles. "I love you" she states firmly as she takes my face in her hands before kissing me hard. I moan softly as I grip her hips and she moves to straddle my lap. "You are the best thing that has ever happened to me" she sighs dreamily as she stares into my eyes, "and you're mine" I agree.
"I certainly am... I always have been"