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September 2024
I took the train to Spain, getting picked up at the train station in Mateo's home town. It was further down south in a coastal city. The first time we met, we met there. I was there with Arthur who was racing in F4 at the time. Charles was with Lucie and I was just trying to get over the crush I had. Mateo kissed me at the end of my stay there, and I remember it felt wrong back then.
When he kissed me at the train station though, it didn't feel wrong. It felt like letting go of a breath you've been holding, and finally getting to relax.
"I missed you," he told me.
"I missed you too," I replied, "I was moments away from packing up and coming down earlier."
"I wouldn't have complained," He chuckled as he took my suitcases and walked over to the car.
We drove for a little while and he pointed out the school he went to, where his best friends from his childhood lived. We had the windows rolled down because he had borrowed his grandmother's car and the AC was broken.
We pulled up on the driveway of his parent's house and he took the bags inside. I hadn't been worried about being there until I stood there. Mateo hadn't even talked about what we were. Before that moment I didn't think he would consider us boyfriend and girlfriend, but I also realized how stupid I had been to not think about it more, because I'm actually staying with him and his family and I'm meeting his parents. Of course he thinks we're boyfriend and girlfriend.
Suddenly I got shy, but Mateo led me inside the house and out into the backyard where his parents were sitting with some friends in the shadow of a big tree.
He said something to everyone, then I heard my name so I guess he was introducing me. I smiled at everyone as he pointed at them and told me their names and pointed out who his parents were. He explained that they don't speak a lot of English.
"Hola, es un placer conocerte," I said, pulling out the little Spanish I knew from Isa. They all seemed pleased with my attempt.
"And you remember my sister?" Mateo asks as he turns me around to see his sister walking out into the backyard as well.
"I do, nice to see you again," I said as she came up to us to hug her brother, and then also hugged me.
"Céline, was it?" She asked with a big smile. "How could I forget the only girl Mateo has ever let me meet?"
Mateo gives her a little glare and then pulls me inside, away from the embarrassments of his older sister. He showed me the room we'd share, his childhood room, filled with little things to tease him about. Like all of his lego builds, that did look quite fun to build, and the star wars posters. He had some surfer magazines, old pictures and tiny trophies from football cups he's been at. Luckily we didn't have to share a small children's bed, as he had upgraded it to a queen size which we could totally fit in.
We had dinners with his family, including aunts, uncles and cousins. He translated for me so I could talk to them and understand what was going on. One of his little girl cousins and I ended up playing a game fully based on noises and hand movements. It reminded me a lot of how Evie and I would communicate when we first became friends.
One day we went surfing with some of his oldest friends. The guys had girlfriends they brought along so I was quickly adopted by that group of girls. I was basically pulled away from Mateo as he just shrugged and seemed to know it was going to happen. He mouthed that he was sorry but he wouldn't get that smile off his face.
"Now, when we come back we need you to pretend that we told you all of his darkest secrets," one of the girls says as we get ready to get into the water. "He loves to make his friends uncomfortable when they bring their girlfriends around for the first time, now he has to take it himself."
"He doesn't bring girlfriends around," One of the girls chimed in.
"No, he doesn't keep seeing them long enough to," the third girl laughed as she put her hair up.
"You're telling me he's a player?" I asked carefully, trying to make it sound lighthearted.
"Oh no! He's about as clean as they come, he's always very respectful about it, he doesn't sleep around or anything... he just won't settle for something he doesn't think is going to work," they explained.
Now if that didn't give me anxiety.
"Clean?" I asked, and quickly realized how that sounded when they all looked at me with wide eyes. "No! I didn't mean-"
They all broke out laughing and I felt my face heat up. "We mean that he has a very clean record, nothing juicy to gossip about."
"Or does he?" Another girl wiggled her eyebrows at me and I just laughed as I shook my head, realizing that I really messed up there.
Mateo came over after I got to talk to them some more. He tried to sneakily get me away from the girls, but they saw everything.
"Don't worry, we told her all about that Maya girl," the girl named Sara said, giving me a quick look to
tell me to play along. "She's all caught up now."
"Maya? There's no-"
"Oh, you don't have to lie," I cut him off. "I know now and I just have to acknowledge my competition," I shrug.
"Céline, there's no-"
I laughed a little as I saw him freak out and get uncomfortable. Mariana grabbed my arm and I followed them down to the beach where we picked up the boards and got into the water. He did take it very seriously, and after another little while he swam up to me to assure me that they were lying. I laughed as I told him that I knew there was no Maya, that they were just playing a joke on him.
I wasn't as good as the others at surfing, considering I hadn't done it for as long, but I wasn't terrible which was a relief. The guys would lightheartedly mock me, which Mateo told me was all in good fun, it meant they actually liked me, apparently they would barely acknowledge me if they didn't. But it also meant that they'd all cheer when I managed to learn something new, or do something even slightly cool.
After a day in the water, we had dinner with his family again, where they taught me Spanish. They laughed at my pronunciation and they tried to trick me into saying things and telling me it had a different meaning. Mateo made sure to tell me not to say those things to other people and I assured him I wouldn't remember it.
We took the bikes into the town center to meet up with his friends again. They were sitting at one of the local bars where most young people hang out. It was quite small, dim lighting, smelled a bit like smoke, and the music could barely be heard over the loud talking in there. We ordered beers and took them with us to the table.
"Is beer okay for you? I know you're used to a million euro champagne and all," Mateo's friend Ricky said with a smirk on his face as he put some peanuts into his mouth. Mariana, his girlfriend, slapped his shoulder and told him something in Spanish. "You know I'm joking, don't you?" He asked.
"Beer is preferred," I replied, probably to fit in a bit, because I remember how I smiled awkwardly as I sat down.
Mateo placed a kiss on my temple as if to apologize for his friend. But I did know that it's common for them all to tease and joke between them all, and I desperately wanted to fit in. They all seemed so comfortable around each other and I wanted that.
"Hey Teo, a little birdie tells me you're all clean in the streets but dirty in the sheets," Sara's boyfriend, Manuel, said as he hit Mateo's shoulder. Mateo's head immediately snaps to me and I just shrug.
"Ignore them! They're just trying to give you a hard time!" Gabriela said, reaching across the table to grab my hand while the guys laughed. "There are worse things that could be said about you in bed," she adds as she looks at Mateo.
"Lina, come to the bar with us while Teo tells his friends to behave," Sara said, grabbing my hand which made me realize she was talking about me. I hadn't been called Lina before so I wouldn't have reacted unless she took me with her. I kind of liked the nickname, it was new, it was different.
We went to the bar and we all knocked down two tequila shots each and then escaped into the bathroom. Sara had to go to the bathroom, Mariana was called Maria, Gabriela was called Gabi, they touched up their makeup. Gabi started admiring my hair, the length of it. Maria asked me to try her new lip combo because it would suit me. Sara took the sweater hanging around my shoulders and told me to carry it and show off my shoulders a bit more.
I felt so welcome there, and I loved it. We came back to the table, grabbed out beers and then we went outside so that the other girls could have a smoke. I had never been a smoker, not even a party smoker, and I wasn't intending on starting to smoke either. But I kept them company. When we got back, a little tipsy and giggly from our conversation, my chair was gone. I sat down on Mateo's lap and he casually just wrapped his arm around me as he continued his conversation.
Charles would've had a bigger reaction. If I just sat down on his lap he would question it. Maybe he'd think it was inappropriate. Who knows? But it wouldn't have been as casual, and that stuck out to me. Just how casual we could be. It was so relaxing.
A guitar could faintly be heard from the speakers, and Nicolás, who is Sara's boyfriend, immediately sits up straight on his chair that is turned the wrong way around. He looked around the table while the rest of us were trying to figure out what he's reacting to. When the rest of the group figures it out there are sighs and grunts. Gabi throws a peanut at Nicolás while Mateo laughs as he shakes his head.
"No te asombres si te digo lo que fuiste... Una ingrata con mi pobre corazon..." Nicolás starts singing passionately.
"Make it stop," Maria sighs as she covers her face in her hands.
I laugh as Nicolás keeps singing along to the song I've never heard. I look at Mateo, trying to get him to explain what is going on. He has a mischievous look on his face as he looks at me with a smile. He is moving his thigh up and down to make me jump up and down slightly on his lap. I turn back to look at Nicolás putting on a show for all of us, putting my beer up to my lips.
"Amor de mis amores! Reina mia! Qué me hiciste! Que no puedo conformarme sin poderte contemplar?" the guys suddenly yell out with their arms in the air. It shocks me enough to spill the beer I'm trying to drink.
I looked back at Mateo again and he started singing to my face while he's gesturing around with his hands. "Ya que pagaste mal a mi cariño tan sincero!"
I look between the girls who all seem to be slightly embarrassed as the whole bar has now turned to look at us. But they also don't seem to think it's an unusual thing. They just look around the place as more people join in on the singing. I laughed as I joined the whole thing. I got my camera out of my purse and I snapped a photo of all the guys, then got one of the girls to take a photo of Mateo and I.
Mateo and I made it home quite drunk. The house was dark and everyone was sleeping when we got, which was good because Mateo and I couldn't stay off each other. As soon as the door to his bedroom closed behind us, I was pressed against the door, heavily kissing him.
He slowed down slightly and moved down to my neck, "Teo, huh?" I asked, remembering the nickname he had amongst his friends. He smiled against his neck.
"Lina," He replied. "They like you enough to give you a nickname," he added before he kept kissing me. "I like it."
"So do I."
When the week was over, Mateo had to go back to Madrid for school. We hadn't talked about what was going to happen when he went back, so we went in blind. We said that we'd work it out, and then I met up with Evie at a connecting airport on our way to the US. We were going to be there for a little while, and Mateo knew that. But we'd figure it out.
Doing all of the things we liked to do when we lived there together. We went to the dance studio and we even collaborated with a choreographer while we were in the area. The doctor just said I can't dance as my profession, I can still dance every now and then, if I don't make myself too tired. It was a bit bittersweet getting back to dancing.
We started with the goal to see every little inch of New York. We ate good food, we tried the clubs and the bars, we went to baseball games and pretended to know what team was which and we yelled at the same time as everyone else did and booed when everyone else did. It was quite entertaining to be there with a beer in my hand and a hotdog in the other.
One night we were on the way home from a basketball game we tried to understand. We had wrongly estimated the distance to our hotel and decided to walk, which ended up being over an hour of a walk. But we were committed to doing it. Even when it started pouring down from the sky. We channeled our inner Taylor Swift and we took our shoes off to dance in the rain while singing along to Maroon very passionately.
We then went to Los Angeles, doing all of the things we liked to do when we lived there together. We went to the dance studio and we even collaborated with a choreographer while we were in the area. The doctor just said I can't dance as my profession, I can still dance every now and then, if I don't make myself too tired. It was a bit bittersweet getting back to dancing.
We didn't stay for too long, because Las Vegas was waiting for us. I had seen some of it when they were racing there, but I'll argue that it's probably better when the track isn't in the way of any tourist attractions. The first thing Evie and I did when we got there was find someone who could teach us poker. We were there to gamble, but it's a lot easier when you know the game.
Day after day we got better. It felt so good winning over some cheap businessman in his 'trying to impress' suit who thought a woman couldn't win over him. To see the looks on their faces... I could pay for that. We threw dice, we lost some money, but we won a lot. We flirted with old men who looked like billionaires to find out if they had any sons about to inherit their fortune. We quickly realized that billionaires don't hang out at a casino bar.
I spoke to Mateo a lot during the days, when it was evening in Spain. He had school, but would make time for me between classes.
"Are you going to marry someone in front of Elvis?" He asked.
"Depends," I chuckled, "Are you coming here?" I asked as a lighthearted joke.
He laughed. "I wish I could... with your birthday coming up and all..."
"Oh, you don't want to be here for that, believe me," I replied. Everyone was coming to the US for it, considering Charles was racing there anyway.
"Of course I do!" He argues.
"No, Charles, Arthur and our parents are all going to be here... believe me, it won't be that good," I explained.
Mateo was quiet for a while. "You haven't told them about us, have you?" He asked.
"No, but it's none of their business and-"
"So I'm your secret? You don't feel like they should know that you're seeing someone else? Last time I checked Charles was with someone else," he argued.
"Fine, I'll tell them, I'm-"
"I introduced you to my family, to my friends... and your family and friends barely know I exist," he said, sounding almost sad about it.
"Teo! I'm sorry!" I said. "I'm sorry... I didn't think it was that big of a deal to you... you know I'm not on the best of terms with the people back home since I left."
He sighed on the other end of the phone. "No... I'm sorry, I should have talked to you about it before."
We continued the call like normal, but there was something heavy hanging over us until we hung up. I didn't think he would expect me to have told them. We had just been spending some time together before I went home. Besides, bringing up Mateo with Charles home could only have ended badly. I feel like I want to be the bigger person and not bring someone new around before I know it's someone I know it's going to work out with.
I was so stupid to think Mateo was different. He wouldn't have brought me around all of his friends and family if he thought I was something just passing by. He thinks this is going to work well enough that he wanted me to meet his friends and family. How could I be so stupid? So reckless? How could I be juggling around with someone else's heart without even noticing it?
October 2024
Influenced by talking to Danny Ric, we went to Texas. Daniel loves Texas. Everyone knows that, and I hadn't had a bad time in Texas the times I had been there. Though, we had only been in Austin, which is a big city. We wanted to get out into the small towns, the ones where everyone knows each other, and neighbors mean that you live 3 km apart, at least.
So we went there and we found a really small town. It was in the middle of nowhere, and when we found an inn to stay at, they wondered what had brought us there. I guess it wasn't exactly normal for two young girls to come into town for no reason. The woman behind the desk looked even more surprised when we told her that we weren't there for a reason.
"No family to visit?" She asked with her sweet southern accent.
"Nope, we're here from Europe," we explained.
"Europe?!" She asked with wide eyes. "Harry did you hear that? There are two young ladies here from Europe!" she yelled into the backroom.
We got settled in our room and then we went out to look around. We found a grocery store where people were catching up by the cash register and they all knew each other by name. We walked in and it was immediately noticed that they didn't know who we were, which was odd to them. Even when we paid for our stuff, they got silent rather quickly.
Our next stop was a local diner. We had dinner, some milkshakes and we observed the community through the window, seeing how everyone greeted each other with big smiles on their faces. If someone looked less happy to see the other one, or if two people didn't greet each other, we made up stories about what could have gone on between them.
For the next couple of days we went to a flea market that was held on Saturdays. We quickly realized, on Sunday morning, that we were in a Christian town where people went to church on Sundays. We went out for breakfast and found it weird that everything was closed until people welled out of the church.
As we were walking back, we saw a young man putting something up on a board. We hadn't noticed the board before when we'd passed so we actually stopped to look at it as he was still putting the paper up. The young man was actually wearing a cowboy hat, as if it wasn't a prop. I don't know what I thought, but I didn't think people just wore that when they were out on the daily.
He noticed us looking at the board and took a step back. We looked at some flier about a party in a barn, which was so very on brand. There was another flier about some fundraiser thing. There were fliers of stuff going on at the middle school. Then there was the young man's flier. When I looked at him to see if he was really watching us look at the fliers, he smirked, tipped his hat with a little nod, and then walked away. I looked after him, because it was so strange how it all felt like some corny small town romcom.
"His parents are looking for help on their ranch for two weeks until his brother comes home from his honeymoon, he has to go back to school," Evie said.
"It says all of that in a flier?" I asked her, moving past her to read it myself.
"Yes, but I think half the town already knows about their situation," Evie chuckles as she rips the number off the flier.
"What are you doing?"
"Wouldn't it be fun?" She asked. "They probably have horses, some pigs... oh and cows!"
"Uh... Evie-"
"Talk about an experience. Waking up with the sun to feed the animals and then taking the horses out to run. Walking around in boots and cowboy hats and all that! I think it could be great!" She said.
"Okay sure, but it says ranch and not farm," I replied. " And I don't think they're going to want us there and mess things up for them."
Evie called them and she explained who we were. She ended up basically begging them before we had even gotten an answer from them. She told them how we didn't need pay, just somewhere to sleep, and we were fine with a barn on some hay. She told them that we're two so it would take half the time. She ranted about wanting experience and seeing what it's like to live around here. I think they agreed to at least meet with us.
We didn't know how to get out there, because there were no taxis around. It was a Sunday, so the only bus out of the town had already left. We were determined to get there, so we began walking down the highway with our thumbs out, trying to hitchhike the miles to the ranch.
"Did you know there are 11 active serial killers in the US right now?" I asked Evie as we walked there with our thumbs out.
Evie gave me a bored look, "shut that mouth of yours."
Eventually a truck pulled up next to us and a window was rolled down. We walked up to it and immediately noticed the driver, young, smiling with his cowboy hat on his head.
"It's the guy with the flier," Evie points out loudly.
"Where to?" He asked us.
"Your parents," She replies shamelessly. "We took a look at your flier, called, and were told to come see them before they make a decision."
"Well... I might could help you with that," he replied. "Get in, I'll drive you."
We got into the truck and he drove us to his parent's ranch, asking us what the hell we were doing there and we gave him the quick rundown. He told us about his brother, and his college studies. His parents are getting old and can't take care of the ranch all on their own, so his new sister and law and his brother were meant to be there and help out as soon as they got home from their honeymoon.
We got to the ranch and the guy, named Collin, took us to his parents who were sitting on the porch of their big white house. He told them that he met us on the way and we told them we had spoken to them on the phone. They asked us some questions, and Collin was great at making us seem a little less weird.
At the end of the day, we got the job, given that Collin showed us everything before he went back to college. Evie begged a little, Collin did some convincing, and I sat there with my nice smile like Evie had ordered me to. Collin's mom, Jane, gave in first. She wanted to show us what it was like living on a ranch, and we also got to know later into our stay that she had always wanted daughters. When she had made up her mind, there was nothing her husband, Paul, could say. She had made up her mind.
Collin was kind enough to drive us back to the inn to get our things and then to set up the guest room for us. We didn't have to sleep in a barn. And the next morning he showed us how everything is done. He wrote it all down for us on a checklist and he showed us the technical stuff. His dad would help us out to train the horses. They would all need to get their exercise, some just run to build up some muscle, some to actually get out to ride. Some days, kids would come there for lessons, and in that case we didn't have to take any horses out to ride, but otherwise we had to get them out.
Of course Evie and I didn't know how to ride a freaking horse!
Collin, that angel, took us out to ride. Though, I didn't view him as an angel when he put me on a horse and then got on a horse himself, unable to help me any further. He kept telling us to learn by doing, but it was terrifying. He gave us instructions on how to do it, and suddenly the horses were moving. It was horrifying at first, but eventually it felt easier. By the end of the day we had even galloped. Not very well, but we had done it. He told us that his dad was an old teacher and would help us get the hang of it during the two weeks.
Paul followed us throughout the first two days when Collin had left. He couldn't do any heavy lifting, but he could make sure we didn't miss anything. It was two heavy first days, but apparently we did a good job, because on the third day he only came out to teach us how to ride and to watch the kids. We were good to feed them, water them, clean them, let them outside and take them back in when the sun was setting. We took care of the cats and the sheep they kept as well. They had their neighbor do most of the work with the sheep so that we could focus on the horses.
Jane cooked for us every night. She always made us something she used to make for her kids when they were younger, and there was always dessert. She was an angel. Paul softened up to us quite a bit as well. He actually seemed to enjoy our company during dinner.
We told them that we had gone to a dance class on my 18th birthday where we were taught to line dance amongst other things. We told them we had been in Texas, but it had been in Austin, so it wasn't really the same thing.
The next day, when Paul came back from his weekly trip into town, he brought us real cowboy boots with hats as well. He said that we needed real stuff if we ever wanted to go dancing with the locals. He was an old softie, that one.
By the end of the first week, we could take the horses out riding away from the fenced area. Paul had been very intense when teaching and he made sure we knew it very well, and made sure to inform us of any consequences following different mistakes that could be made. He was a little nervous letting us leave the house with the horses, but eventually let us go. He didn't come to regret it either, because we came back safely with them, and they were exercised.
On Sunday, Jane came into our room, waking us up for church. We didn't have the heart, or the courage, to tell her that we weren't religious. We didn't know what to do in a church. We had never been before. But who knows, maybe they would have kicked us out if we didn't go. So we dressed modestly and we went with them and sat in that church and listened to a priest. We repeated what he said, but were generally confused. It was actually rather fascinating.
Jane encouraged us to go out on our last Saturday there. She told us we should meet people our age and get to see what they do on a Saturday night. So we asked Collin for a location he'd recommend and he gave us the name of some country bar in the town center. It looked like a big barn, and in one corner there were a bunch of guys drinking beer and yelling at a screen because there was a football game on. On the other side, there were people actually dancing. They were square dancing, which Evie and I had gotten to try on my 18th birthday, but we didn't exactly remember how to do it.
We sat down and had some beers. Well, I could only stomach one. I wasn't really in the mood to drink that night and I couldn't tell why. Maybe I was a bit worried around all the strangers who we didn't know. They all knew each other and they would probably help each other cover up a crime if necessary. But Evie kept drinking.
Guys came up to talk to us and they immediately heard our accents and asked where we were from. I told people I was French, because either they don't know where Monaco is, or they have some stereotype in mind. We were there trying to fit in by working on a ranch, wearing cowboy boots and cowboy hats, I didn't need a eurosign stamped on my forehead.
We got to square dance with them, because they reminded us of the ground steps. Evie had a great time. I had a lot of fun, but Evie was over the moon. We tried to keep up with the line dancing as well, but it turned out to be a lot harder than we thought it was going to be.
Sometime in the middle of the night, Evie was way too drunk. She slurred on her words and she had hiccups.
"I found myself a cowboy," she slurred to me as she was clinging on to a guy in a cowboy hat.
"Okay, I think your night ends here," I replied, taking her from the guy, putting her on a chair at the bar. We didn't even know how to get back to the ranch, we realized as we were stuck there.
I looked around and then ended up asking the bartender if there were any taxis around. He laughed and told me that if there were they would cost more than three cows since it's so far outside of the city. I sighed and wondered how the hell we were going to get back when an old man tapped my shoulder.
"I could drive you home," he said, which creeped me out in ways I couldn't explain. He was quite old and the tone didn't help his case. So I ignored him and got my phone out and dialed Collin's number.
"Hey Collin, I'm so sorry to call you in the middle of the night," I said when he picked up.
"No worries, how y'all doing?" he asked.
"How do you usually get back to the ranch after a night out?" I asked which made him laugh a little. I guess it's a stupid question for most people there, but I really didn't know.
"There's an old guy hanging around there, he has a truck... his name is Finn... I think," Collin said, which made me glance at the old guy next to me. "Tell him that you know me, he owes me one."
"Hey," I said as I leaned over to the old guy, "Do you know Collin?" I asked.
"Yep! Great boy that one!" He replied.
I nodded and then turned back to my phone to whisper into it, "Are you sure this guy is trustworthy?"
"Look around," Collin laughed, "Finn is probably the most reliable person in there."
So I asked the old man if he could drive us to the ranch, which he gladly agreed to. He told me Evie didn't look too good, and I agreed that she didn't. I also apologized for ignoring him, and I tried to explain the term stranger danger to someone who had never seemed to have heard the term before.
We got to his truck, and with the state Evie was in, he sent us up on the back of his truck to sit on some hay with our back against more hay. Evie was asleep on that hay as soon as she leaned back. He began driving us back to the ranch. Halfway there he had to stop to let me throw up because of motion sickness from being on the back. We were all surprised I was the one to throw up and not Evie. When we got to the ranch, the sun was about to rise. We thanked Finn, and he drove away while I struggled Evie into the bed.
All Sunday she was in bed hungover, so I took care of our chores. I didn't mind. I took one of the horses out to ride for the last time. I had gotten quite good at it, and it was so therapeutic. I had felt just slightly homesick the past few days, and had this constant anxiety that I couldn't explain. I still had fun, but there was this underlying feeling that I was doing something wrong.
I thought that all the feelings were caused by my parents coming to Austin for my birthday. We were going there on Monday, Arthur's birthday, to celebrate the three of us. Everyone would be there and maybe I still felt guilty, maybe it was all about Mateo.
Sunday night we were packing up all of our stuff. I was filling my toilet bag and I found my full package of tampons. I hadn't touched a single one. I realized I should've had my period the past weekend, but also one month before that. The realization hit me like a gut punch, and I was terrified. I was nauseous just thinking about the possibility. It was the last thing I wanted.
I walked out to Evie with the tampons in my hand, "Evie," I said, which made her pause and look at me. She saw the state I was in and immediately looked worried.
"What?" She asked.
"I'm late," I announced quietly, feeling my voice shake as I was trying to stay calm.
"How late?" She asked, her eyes wide as she sat down on her bed to look at me.
"Two months," I told her as I threw the package of tampons on my bed. "I don't want to-"
"C, we're in different time zones all the time... we sleep weird hours, we eat poorly a lot of the time... this could just be your body's way of telling you to slow down," Evie said, trying to calm me down. "It happens that you miss out on your period if your body isn't exactly feeling 100%."
I was fidgeting with my nails as I tried to swallow the lump in my throat, "I can't believe I'm here again," I said as I shook my head.
"As soon as we find out it's a false alarm, you're getting an IUD," She said as if she was a mom ordering me to. I nodded in agreement. I couldn't keep going through that
I spent the rest of the night convincing myself Evie was right, that it was a false alarm. How could I have gone two months without noticing anything if it wasn't a false alarm. There would be other things to tell me.
But the next morning, when I threw up the first thing I did when I got out of bed, Evie agreed that I had to take a test during one of our transfers on our way to Austin. She told me I probably did it for the same reason I'm missing out on my period, which was heavy stress. She told me I probably just stressed myself out to the point that I threw up. All morning she tried to comfort me.
Four hours later, halfway to Austin in a public restroom, when I held a pregnancy test in my hands with two lines on it, she didn't have anything comforting to say anymore. She was as shocked as I was. But I was devastated too. I hated myself for letting it happen. I would do anything to go back in time and change it, because that was the absolute last situation I wanted to be in.
And I had no one to blame but myself.
Evie took the test from my hands and stared at it with wide eyes, while I let out muffled cries with my hand over my mouth to not drag too much attention to the bathroom we were hiding in. But I couldn't hold it in. I had to sit down on the dirty floor and curse myself for putting myself there.
"How could I do this?" I cried as I looked at Evie who was still in as much shock as I was. "How could I be so fucking irresponsible and let this happen?!"
She squatted down next to me and put both hands on my shoulders, "Please tell me it's Mateo."
"Yes... but it was over two months ago Evie!"
"Do you usually use protection?" She asked.
"Yes! Yes! Always! I always make sure to use protection since my last scare!" I cried, my body shaking. "But we went out with his friends one night... we came back so drunk... I don't remember checking! I should have checked! I should have made sure we were always protected!"
"It's his responsibility just as much as it is yours! He should have wrapped it up!" She argues with her eyebrows knitted together. "This happens to people all the time C, you made a mistake, it's okay... we can fix this!" she said as I looked at her through my swollen eyes, breathing shakily.
I already knew what I had to do, I was just ashamed that I had to do it. Not that I was against it, just that I knew it would hurt. It felt like a shameful thing to do for so many reasons, and I knew so many people would be disappointed in me for being in the situation I was in. Which was why it felt like the end of the world. I was irresponsible and stupid and being in that situation was proof of it. My parents would be so ashamed of me. They lost their angel son, the great, kind and responsible older brother who always helped everyone. He was the one they could be proud of.
Their daughter left home and got herself pregnant. She had such a bright future ahead of her and she threw it away. I was nothing to be proud of.
"Evie," I sniffled. "You can't tell a soul... not even Max. No one can know... promise me."
"I promise," She replied immediately.
"I don't even get it! I've been drinking!" I exclaimed. "How is it still in there?!"
"Bianchi's are nothing if not stubborn," She replied with a lighthearted chuckle.
"Don't say that! It's not a Bianchi!" I replied as I kept crying, which was when Evie realized it was too soon for jokes. She held me as I cried for a while, and then we had to catch the next train so I had to collect myself and make myself look a lot more presentable.
On the train, we began planning our next trip, which all revolved around how the hell we could take care of it without anyone finding out. We needed to do it away from home, because it's a small town and people talk. It had to be somewhere people would assume was just on one of our vacations, but was still safe. It also had to be a country where I wouldn't risk being too far along.
The day before my 24th birthday was the worst day of my life in a long time. I hated myself, I blamed myself even though the blame should have been split. I couldn't believe myself.
I just wanted to apologize, but then I realized... to who?
//
Probably back to being hated lol people hate pregnancies apparently.
Anyway, I hope it helps people realize that making mistakes happen. When you're young and you're growing up, you'll make mistakes. And I do hope that whoever wants or needs an abortion have the liberty of doing so. It's your body and you choose what to do with it.
I hope I didn't lose all of you with the short pregnancy hold up lol I just felt like it was a good way of showing another very human problem some people face in their lives.
Forgive me!