"Must feel like the whole world hates you"
It was right after he had been assigned Kim again after being released from the hospital.
"Your close friend turns out to be the traitor, Kinn, and Porsche are dating, and Porsche becomes the head of the minor family"
"I'm assigning you to Kim again" Korn had informed him as soon as he was back at the mansion. Big wasn't surprised at all, after all, he wasn't fit to take care of Kinn.
"You've been a good bodyguard throughout the years, and I don't doubt your loyalty to the main family"
"That Ken was the traitor, it's not your fault for not knowing" Korn reassured him, but still Big kept the guilt in his heart.
"Due to your injuries, you're not going out on any jobs until you are fully healed, body and mind"
"Yes, sir" Big bowed again.
"You've suffered great injuries for us these past months, and it must have been straining too, so while you're still healing, your only job is to be of assistance to Kim"
He's the one taking care of Kim. He's grieving, he's hurting. He's fading into a depression.
What Kim said, be it intentionally or not, helped.
"Assigned to Kim again?"
"Maybe if you shot first instead of jumping into the fire, you would still be Kinn's bodyguard"
"Maybe if you didn't think irrationally" they meant. They, being the other bodyguards. Big didn't say anything back. What was the point?
They could think what they wanted, and talk all they wanted, but they weren't there, they didn't understand why he did what he did.
Why he jumped in front of Porsche.
"Big, come on, you need to focus!" Chan yelled at him, but he was dying. The training was nothing short of torture and Big didn't understand how it was supposed to help him get better.
Every night, he'd return to his room, sliding down the closed door, falling apart.
Every night, he'd return to an empty and silent apartment, with no one who understood him, no one who knew him.
His throat closed up, and he'd put his hand over his face to muffle his sobbing. It's not his fault, he's an emotional person. It's not his fault he's honest.
That he couldn't hide his emotions, hide who he was.
So when Kim said "It must feel like the world hates you" he didn't hate it, because even though Kim said it as a taunt, someone noticed what he was feeling, someone knew what he was dealing with.
Someone saw his pain, and for a moment, he wasn't alone anymore.
Big didn't respond though, ashamed that his only place of validation, and sympathy, was Kim. That the only person who saw his pain was Kim.
When Big replied "Must feel like the whole world hates you" that's what he remembered. The first person who saw him.
"I'm tired of this sappy lovey-dovey shit!" Tankhun suddenly exclaimed in a whine, dramatically throwing his arms up, as the silence turned uncomfortable.
"Why are you couples rubbing it in us singles' faces" It was obviously in a joking spirit, as he threw Porsche and Kinn a loving smile, before going back to whining.
"Come on! Let's get lit instead" and the group was back at it, Tankhun up on the couch as usual, the center of attention as always.
Big didn't mind and stepped outside to get some air instead, the music echoing through his head still.
He was a bit wobbly, but not as messed up as some of the others were.
*cough* Pol and Arm *cough*
He didn't understand how they could handle going out so often. It was draining with so many people, and so much noise, but at the same time he was able to relax for a moment.
He heard footsteps behind him and turned to see Porsche walk up to him. He wasn't nearly as drunk as Big, but then again, Porsche was more used to drinking than Big was.
"You want to know about Kim right? It's why you wanted me to get drunk" his words were slurring a bit, but he wasn't too drunk or maybe he was?
Maybe he was that drunk since he voluntarily told Porsche what was on his mind.
"No," Porsche replied calmly. Was it a lie? Partly. Yeah, he wanted to know about Kim, but mostly about Big's well-being. He wanted Big to know, he could trust him, come to him if he needed to talk.
"Not at all," he added, taking a step closer to Big, who was visibly swaying on his feet.
"Why do you keep thinking that? I care about you. I'm worried about you!" Big ignored the sincere look in Porsche's eyes, refusing to believe him,
"Oh please!" he shot back, rolling his eyes "The reason you're worried is because it's Kim, and because you think I'm like Pete!"
"No!" Porsche yelled this time.
"Are you sure?!"
Porsche fell quiet at Big's words "Okay, you're right"
"Pete is fine isn't he?" Big replied, voice low "And Kim isn't an abusive person"
"He's cold, shut off, but he's kind!" his voice began breaking, as his feelings came to the surface.
"I mean, if you really wanna know, why don't you ask him yourself?! Or even better, ask your bro-" he cut himself off "Ask...ask your boyfriend" His voice, was calmer and quieter this time.
When the time came to go back, the joy, the excitement, left Big's body and dread filled his heart.
Instead of going back to his room, heart beating out of his chest, yearning for him to run away, he ended up at Kim's apartment, not entirely sure how.
Did he walk there? Or did a car take him?
He somehow managed to punch in the code and opened the door as quietly as possible.
"Why are you here?" Kim's low voice sounded from the other side of the room. It was dark, the light coming from the moonlight and the city outside. It was hard to tell where Kim was, though the alcohol was wearing off. Only the pieces of a shattered lamp near the couch were visible, and the broken vase near Big.
"Don't like being in your empty room?" Kim's voice sounded again, then he chuckled and Big could feel the bitter grin on his face, but he didn't care about his words, only what state he was in.
How could he throw comments around like that when he was falling apart?
Like the things lying broken and scattered around?
With cautious steps on wobbly legs, he walked closer to where he had heard Kim's voice come from. Somewhere near the living room area.
He heard a cracking sound from under his foot and looked to find a broken picture frame.
He crouched down and took the picture in his hands. His vision was still partly blurry, and he couldn't tell what was in the picture. He softly placed it down on the coffee table, and as he looked back up, there he was.
He scrambled around the couch to Kim's defeated silhouette sitting up against the wall behind the couch.
"Sir, are you okay?" he asked, sitting down close enough that he could comfortably reach out and touch Kim if he wanted to.
Oh god, how he wanted to.
"I'm fine" His face was turned away from him, staring out at nothing, while Big's eyes were full of concern and worry. Pity.
"You're not" he was a mess. His hair, usually soft and perfect, was a mess as if he had gripped his hair in frustration. Locks were out of place, falling onto his face, a few strands sticking to his skin from tears falling.
"Why are you here?" Kim asked sharply. "I didn't call you here"
Big didn't answer, as Kim knew the answer already. He just wanted to hear Big admit it.
That he felt alone in his room. He felt useless, worthless, disposable. There was no reason for him to be at the mansion, no one needed him there. That Kim was the only thing stopping him from drowning.
Big was ashamed of himself. What didn't Kim think? First, he fell in love with Kinn, and now him.
He was a fool.
"Do you love falling for people who will break your heart? Is this a way you torture yourself?"
He could imagine Kim would say
"Are you really that submissive and weak?"
No, he's not. He didn't mean to fall again.
He didn't mean to fall for someone like Kim. Someone so cold, so collected.
Someone so broken.
Maybe Kim was right. Maybe he did fall for people who'd never love him back because he knew he didn't deserve love.
"What happened?" He asked instead but Kim just looked at him with empty eyes, reading him like an open book.
"Nothing, leave me," Kim replied, curling up with his legs against his chest, telling Big not to touch him. He was already too close. He had already crossed the line too many times.
"Aren't you supposed to be out celebrating that your cast is off?"
Big finally noticed how raspy Kim's voice was underneath his bitterness.
"Or did you leave because of Kinn?"
Big glanced down at his hands placed on his knees, inhaling.
"No" he calmly spoke looking up at Kim again "The party was over" he calmly muttered "Is that so?"
"Sir, what happened here?"
He had the feeling it had something to do with Porchay, but not sure how.
"It's none of your concern" he spoke in a low voice, and though Big knew it was a warning, that he was crossing a boundary he shouldn't cross, he didn't care.
He had already crossed it.
"Kim, sir"
Kim looked away from him, shutting it all away again.
"Must feel like the whole world hates you" Big spoke on an impulse. His heart beating out of his chest. He had no idea what was going to happen, he didn't think about it for a second.
Kim's eyes turned to him, digging into his soul for a second, before he turned his head away again.
"I'll burn it to the ground" he only replied in a low voice.