Present
Coming home to my apartment had never felt so lonely. I loved my apartment, it was my own little space and it was the first time in a long time I had felt like home. I had made it my home, and yet when I walked in on the evening I came back from Corsica, it felt too empty for me. I felt lonely.
My plants were kept alive, my mail was on the counter and Giulia had baked me a pie and left it in the fridge for me. That lovely woman. I had a bottle of wine in the fridge that I immediately opened. I ordered pizza and I had a lazy evening with my sketchbook, trying to think about the whole Charles situation.
He had a ring. He had my mom's ring. She gave it to him to propose to me with and he didn't. She never told me, he never told me, and when I thought about it, Carla and Charlotte knew about it too. How many people know and didn't tell me about it? I guess they didn't want to pour salt into an open wound by telling me. And also, what would I have done with the information before this point.
I have come to be thankful for the way my life turned out after Charles. I've seen places I probably wouldn't have seen otherwise, I've met people I probably wouldn't have met, I've dated people who have given me more experience and I have stories for a lifetime. In just over two years I've transformed myself into someone I really like. I have some parts of me I would still like to change, but I think everyone does, and I know that they're what makes me who I am so I can't really hate them.
I'm independent. I live by myself in another country and I have my own life here. I'm not being influenced by other people, I just live the way I want it. My life is good. Would bringing Charles back into it bring myself back to a place I don't want to be?
Considering we didn't break up because we stopped loving each other, but because we wanted to live differently, I'm not sure. He says he wants me back, but does he know that it means I still won't be around to just look good for him? Nothing has changed from before. I still won't be an accessory to him. If we get back together I want a change, and I want to see him more and I want him to make an effort to actually spend time with me when we see each other. If he wants me to go to something with him, and I'm sitting there with him, then I want him to actually talk to me and not to everyone else but me.
The Ferrari PR team is not going to run my relationship. If he doesn't agree with it, then there's no point because it'll just end up like last time.
For days I kept going on with my life, going to the dance studio to work with students, taking online meetings, helping Giulia with her grocery shopping and going to the gym. Every free moment I got, I was trying to understand what was going on. What I was going to say to Charles, how it was going to work. I tried to imagine Charles in my life again. All the traveling and cameras. All the comments on social media. I tried to picture him in my apartment. I tried to picture life with him. And it made me happy, but it would take a lot to get there.
I told him I would take a few days to think, and after a few days, I still hadn't called. I didn't know what to say, how to initiate the conversation. Would we really talk about it on the phone? I realized I had taken too long when it had been over a week, and he would be going back to racing eventually, and we were running out of time to talk without interruptions from his non-stop schedule. I texted him asking when he'd be free, but he just ended up calling me immediately.
"Salut," I answer the phone, walking immediately up to the fridge to get a bottle of wine out.
"Salut," he replies, sounding happy and nervous at the same time. "Je commençais à penser que tu n'appellerais pas." I was starting to think you wouldn't call.
"Désolé, J'avais beaucoup de choses à penser..." Sorry, I had quite a lot to think about...
"Alors?" So?
"Je pense que nous avons beaucoup à dire avant de prendre une décision... nous ne pouvons pas être trop imprudents à ce sujet," I think we have a lot to talk about before we make any decisions at all... we can't be too reckless about this, I explain.
"D'accord," he agrees. I feel like I could use some help to get the conversation going, but I bet he felt the same when he was talking to my back as I was walking away from him.
"Écoute, je ne veux pas que ça se termine comme la dernière fois. Je ne peux pas faire ça si notre présence ensemble fait partie de votre travail. Je ne veux pas qu'on fasse juste des apparitions de relations publiques où tu m'ignores pendant la moitié de la soirée parce que tu ne voulais que moi là pour quelques bonnes photos," Listen, I don't want this to end like it did last time. I can't do this if us being together is going to be a part of your work. I don't want us to only do PR appearances where you ignore me for half the evening because you only wanted me there for some good pictures, I explain, as it was one of my biggest issues. If we're not on the same page about this there's no point even going forward.
"Peut-être que ce n'est pas une conversation à avoir au téléphone en ce moment ?" Maybe this isn't a conversation to have right now over the phone? he asks.
I stand in silence for a while, as he completely ignored what I had just said which didn't seem like a good sign. Does he think he can brush past it so maybe I'll forget about it? No way.
"Que veux-tu dire?" What do you mean?
"Je ne veux pas résoudre ce problème par téléphone, je veux pouvoir vous parler face à face," I don't want to solve this over the phone, I want to be able to actually talk to you face to face, he says, which allowed my head to come up with another problem.
"Comme quand? Tu pars pour Zandvoort dans une semaine," Like when? You leave for Zandvoort in a week, I point out to him. "Je vous verrai à la course caritative mais notre famille et nos amis seront autour de nous tout le temps... et je ne pense pas vraiment que nous devrions leur dire avant un moment..." I'll see you at the charity race but our family and friends are going to be around us the whole time.. and I don't really think we should tell them for some time...
"Vous aimez voyager... Je serai en Europe pour encore deux week-ends de course" You like to travel... I'll be in Europe for two more race weekends, he says as if I was able to come with him. He should know as well as I do that it's a horrible idea to even open fans up to the idea of us being a thing again by having me around for two race weekends. What if we don't actually get back together and we've started a big storm for nothing.
"Nous savons tous les deux que ce n'est pas une bonne idée pour moi de me présenter sur un hippodrome." We both know it's not a good idea for me to show up at a racetrack.
"Bon, même si on arrive à avoir le temps de se voir avant de partir... Je pars quand même, et je ne sais pas comment tu veux qu'on arrange quelque chose avec toi en Europe et moi à l'autre bout du monde ..." Okay well, even if we manage to get the time to see each other before I leave... I'm still leaving, and I don't know how you expect us to work anything out with you in Europe and me on the other side of the world...
"C'est ce dont je suis en train de parler! Nous avons tellement de choses à découvrir et je... Je ne sais pas quoi faire Charles, je dis juste que nous devons parler !" This is what I'm talking about! We have so much to figure out and I just- I don't know what to do Charles, I'm just saying we have to talk!
"Alors aidez-moi ici !" Then help me out here!
I sit down on the couch with my phone still pressed to my ear and with my face in free hand. I don't know why I called, I don't have anything figured out, I don't know how to do this and it's just overwhelming. We can't communicate anymore, not without it becoming an argument where we see who can raise their voice the loudest.
"Ce n'est peut-être pas le moment de parler, tu as raison," Maybe this isn't the time to talk, you're right, I say as I rub my eyes with my index finger, trying to determine if I'm about to get a headache.
"Ne fais pas ça... ne... Céline, je veux te parler," Don't do this... don't... Céline I want to talk to you, he stutters out and I might as well be looking at a wall because that's how blank my head is. I don't know how to solve this situation and I get that shutting down feeling again. "Vous vous enfuyez au premier obstacle... Il est possible de résoudre ce problème, il suffit d'essayer !" You're running away at the first obstacle... It's possible to solve this, we just need to try!
"Je suis... juste dépassé !" I'm... just overwhelmed!
"Je suis désolé de t'avoir tant déversé, mais ne pas parler ne va pas rendre les choses plus faciles... Cela ne fera qu'empirer les choses !" I'm sorry I dumped a lot on you but not talking is not going to make this any easier... It'll only make it worse!
"Je sais! Je sais!" I know! I know! I exclaim as the frustration gets even worse.
"Alors travaillez là-dessus avec moi !" Then work this out with me! He exclaims back with the same amount of frustration.
"J'essaye! Mon cerveau essaie de trouver une solution mais je ne sais tout simplement pas quoi faire ! J'ai essayé de te parler mais c'est toi qui n'as même pas reconnu ce que je disais !" I'm trying! My brain is trying to find a solution but I just don't know what to do! I tried to talk to you but you're the one who didn't even acknowledge what I said!
"Parce que je veux te voir pendant que je te parle ! J'ai des millions de choses à vous dire depuis des années et je ne veux pas le faire au téléphone ! J'ai rassemblé toutes ces choses à dire et je te les aurais racontées mais à chaque fois tu as fini par fuir vers un nouvel endroit du monde, le plus loin de moi possible !" Becuase I want to see you while I talk to you! I've had a million things I've wanted to say to you for years and I don't want to do it over the phone! I've gathered all of these things to say and I would've told them to you but everytime you ended up running off to some new place in the world, as far from me as possible! He nearly yelled into the phone, because I guess the frustration got to him too.
I sigh, because I'm so sick of yelling. Whenever we try to talk we end up yelling, and I don't want us to yell at each other everytime we try to talk and solve things. It pains me that we can't even have one normal conversation. How the hell are we going to make anything work like this?
"Tu n'as pas vraiment essayé de me suivre," You didn't exactly try to come after me, I reply quietly into the phone.
"Je ne savais pas que tu le voulais," I didn't know you wanted me to, he replies after a moment of silence. I don't know what to say, I just close my eyes for a moment before I turn my attention to my thumbnail which is now bleeding for how much I've fidgeted with it. "Tu voulais que je le fasse ?" Did you want me to? he asks. I walk into the bathroom to get a band aid for my nail. "Céline, tu voulais que je vienne après toi ?" Céline, did you want me to come after you?
"Bien sûr que je l'ai fait! Bien sûr, j'ai toujours voulu que tu me poursuives, mais tu sortais avec quelqu'un d'autre et je..." Of course I did! Of course I always wanted you to come after me, but you were dating someone else and I...
"Si je me souviens bien, tu sortais aussi avec quelqu'un d'autre !" If I remember correctly you were also dating someone else!
"Je sais! C'est pourquoi je n'ai jamais rien dit et j'ai essayé de surmonter l'espoir d'ouvrir un jour la porte pour vous y trouver, ou d'entrer dans un bar pour que la fille du propriétaire me dise que quelqu'un me cherche..." I know! Which is why I never said anything, and tried to get over the hopes of one day opening the door to find you there, or walk into a bar for the owner's daughter to tell me that someone is there looking for me...
Someone did come looking for me, and since then I've always felt bad for wishing it was Charles who came to see me in Greece. When the girl told me someone was there for me I pictured Charles there, but it wasn't. Mateo deserved so much better, and I was horrible for hoping it was someone other than him. I'm a horrible person.
Charles didn't say anything for a while, and I was sniffling as I held back some stupid tears I didn't want to fall, because I cry about everything all the time, and it sucks. Someone needs to tell me how to handle my emotions better, because this isn't working out. I even irk myself.
"Peut-être avons-nous assez parlé... ou crié... pour une journée," Maybe we've done enough talking... or yelling... for one day, I say.
"S'il te plaît, laisse-moi te voir," Please, let me see you, he pleads.
"Je vais regarder mon emploi du temps" I'll look at my schedule, I say and I hear him sigh on the other end of the phone. He might as well be smashing his head against a wall with how much frustration was in that sigh. "Peut-être... peut-être que je peux trouver du temps entre Monza et Zandvoort, d'accord ?" Maybe... maybe I can find time between Monza and Zandvoort, okay?
"D'accord, fais-moi savoir," Okay, let me know, he says with a heavy tone in his voice.
"Je vais..." I will... I reply.
We hang up and I throw myself on the couch with a loud groan. I don't know what I thought would come from the call, but I hung up and felt very unfulfilled by it. It's not like I thought that we'd solve everything in one phone call, but I didn't think I would hang up with more issues to overthink. How the hell am I going to deal with his race schedule again? How did I do it before?
There is a possibility that I just think that going to the races is horrible to go to because it felt like it the last time I went. Last time I went I wasn't exactly in the best headspace and it was genuinely draining to be there when everything felt like a chore. Maybe it would feel more like it did in the beginning if I just went there with an open mind and no stress.
Going there is not an option right now though, considering the last time I went was at the end of last season, it wasn't planned, and I'm pretty sure everyone could tell that I was forced there rather than there on my own accord. If I went there now, when we're both single and with no one else there with us, it would definitely look weird. Also, there's no way I could explain my presence to friends and family.
How much would Charles expect me to go? We have to spend time with each other. We'll want to spend time together. But I'd be tying myself down again. No more crazy travelling with no plan of when I'm coming back or where I'm going. I would have to tell him, and it would be disrespectful to him if I kept living the same I have been.
Though, I did say I was going to calm down a little, and not move around so much. I need some stability for a little bit. But what if I change my mind?
I look at my phone and then I go to call Evie. She doesn't know about the whole Charles thing, and I don't intend on telling her until I know it's something worth telling. Sure, I could tell her for the sake of gossip, but it's Charles and it feels wrong spilling his guts to someone else.
"Hello," she sings into the phone when she picks up.
"Are we done with all the traveling?" I ask her, rolling over on my stomach with my feet in the air. I can hear Dutch in the background, so I suppose she's seeing her family during the summer vacation. I can clearly hear Max talking.
"What do you mean?" She asks.
"We said we'd slow down and settle down a bit, but... are we done with the crazy traveling?"
"Are you changing your mind?" she asks and then I hear a door shutting on her end. "Are you okay? You were the one who said it might be a good idea to slow down."
"So you don't want to?" I ask.
"I'm not saying that, I'm just wondering what led you to this... Personally I haven't been thinking about it," She admits. I sigh, but I don't think it's out of disappointment. Well... maybe a little bit, but I also don't know if I feel done with it. I might. "Where is this coming from?"
I think about what to say, and consider telling her just to be able to talk about it. But I change my mind quite quickly as I realize I would have so much to tell her and she's trying to spend time with her family. I don't want to hold her from that.
"I have a big decision to make, and I might give up my ethical right to just leave and not come home for a while," I shrug.
"C... you know you can still travel even if it's not non-stop for three months..." She points out.
"Yes, but it's not the same..." I sigh.
"You could go somewhere and reflect on it. Go somewhere and ask yourself if whatever you're doing there is worth giving up whatever else you're deciding between... new job?"
"Well... could be," I lie as I think about her suggestion. It's actually not a bad idea. I could use a vacation anyway, because my apartment starts to feel smaller everyday and I start to go literally insane. I'm not seeing Charles before he's done in Zandvoort anyway and I could definitely be back before that. "But I might just do that, I don't like big life decisions."
"I know you don't," She chuckles. "So where are we going?"
I shake my head. "You're with your family, I don't want to pull you away from them."
"Please... Max is driving me insane and I'll see them in Zandvoort anyway," She shrugs.
"You're going to races this season?" I ask, knowing that she had avoided them as much as I had. She didn't want to run into Pierre, she didn't want the press, she didn't want to run around hiding either. She also said that it's not as fun when I'm not there which was probably just to comfort me.
"Yeah..." She replies, suddenly sounding slightly uncomfortable. Does she think I'll be upset about it? I don't care if she goes or not, her brother is racing, she should show her support to him. Especially at his homerace.
"Well, say hi to Lewis and Daniel for me," I say.
"I will," she replies. "But where are we going?"
"Planning it ruins the spontaneity," I laugh, which she laughs in response to.
Suddenly she lets out an excited squeal, "Okay! We're doing it! I can be at the airport tomorrow afternoon!"
"Sounds good to me!" I reply as I get off the couch.
I hang up the phone with Evie, and I rush into my bedroom to pull out my suitcase again. All night I packed it with everything I might need, because who knows where we'll decide to go. I got my passport out of my drawer and then I went to bed.
I couldn't sleep for the life of me. For the first time I found myself questioning the trip. It has to be because I have to decide if I want to go out into the world again or if I'm happy enough in my little apartment. It might be my last trip like this. The crazy and spontaneous trip with no obligation to anyone. Either because I actually choose to try with Charles, or because I realize I'm over it.
Maybe it's time to admit that I'm grown up and I need to get a stable life. I can't live like I'm in my early twenties forever. Evie's been talking about how she wants to have a family. She looks at her brother, seeing the way he has his little family with Kelly and Penelope, and I can't blame her for wanting the same. When he was her age, he had that family. Our parents were married with kids when they were our age. We're still young, but it still feels like we're running out of time.
At least I think so. I don't want to talk for the both of us, but if I know her right, I'm speaking correctly on her behalf.
With mixed feelings about the trip, I got out of bed in the morning and I took care of everything in the apartment that I needed to. My plants, rinsing out the fridge, going to the store to buy a bottle of wine for Giulia to bring when I ask her to look after my apartment again.
I look around the apartment before I close the door and lock it. It kind of feels as if I'm dragging my feet down the stairs and over to my car. I have this heavy feeling in my stomach. It feels like I've forgotten something, which has never happened to me since I've started traveling like this, because whatever it is, you can always find a solution to it wherever you go. I can feel my passport in my pocket, and I'm holding my phone and wallet in my hand. There is nothing else I really need.
So I drove to the airport and I called Evie. She had just arrived at the airport closest to her as well. We go to the machines where you buy tickets, and we look through the lists and try to find somewhere we can both fly to from our respective airports. It seems impossible at first, but we both happen to mention Costa Rica at the same time.
Good lord, there was nothing closer?
"Should we go?" Evie asks over the phone. I look at the screen and I think. Something is telling me not to, but I push that feeling aside. I should be doing something spontaneous, and it has to be faith that we both said Costa Rica at the same time.
"Yes," I replied as I began purchasing the ticket.
Soon enough I was walking through security and finding my gate. I tried to find excitement by looking at pictures of Costa Rica. It was beautiful. Evie and I would definitely find some fun shit to do there. But I was still dragging my feet on that plane, and I had some uneasy feeling as soon as we were up in the air, and it stayed the many hours I was sitting there in some uncomfortable plane seat.
Seeing Evie at the airport made it feel so much better though. I saw her with her suitcase and I ran up to throw my arms around her. I had barely seen her since our traveling times together. Mostly because we had spent almost every day together and we needed a break to not kill each other. Not that we'd ever get fully tired of each other, but we had other things to attend to. We still spoke on the phone a lot.
Our second mission was finding somewhere to stay. We admitted that the last time we stayed in South America, the motels we stayed at canceled out the chances of us staying at a motel this time, so we looked for last minute AirBnBs and we found a good one two hours from the airport. So we got on a bus to take us closer, and then ended up walking for nearly half an hour with our luggage, which was awful, but at least it felt like old times.
We collapsed on the couch as soon as we got into the apartment we rented. We could see the ocean from our balcony. We had a balcony! We had our own rooms! And we have a kitchen! It was so much fancier than we had been staying before, but I think it was a nice change, and a good way to ease back into it if we were to continue traveling again.
The first night we got ready and we got out to some local place that looked to have some fun people. We ordered food and sat there catching up. She told me she had been in Paris for a week recently, and I asked her why the hell she didn't think to just make a little detour to come see me. She shrugged, told me she'd been busy. She avoided my gaze when she told me, which just made me suspicious. I don't know what, I just know that something was up.
"Hey, there's a really cute guy behind you," She says all of a sudden, pointing discreetly with her fork.
"Go talk to him," I say with a chuckle. She shakes her head as she shoves more food into her mouth. She talks for a little while and then she shakes her head again.
"I'm done with flirting..." She says. "No more random guys, I can't deal with another crazy relationship," she continues, which just reminds me of the last guy she dated.
"Your last one wasn't crazy," I argue.
"Well, everyone before was," She replies.
When we separated after our second volunteer trip, she went to stay a longer time with her boyfriend and the time. He lived in England, was a British dancer who she had met during her dancing days and reconnected with during one of our trips when we stopped by in England for a few days. We randomly met him and apparently they were quite inseparable after that. I don't really know what happened to make them break up, but I know it was dramatic and she flew home to her mom's house in the middle of the night.
"What happened with your last one?" I ask, as I can't for the life of me remember his name.
"He proposed," she says, as if it's the most casual thing in the world, while I'm choking on my food and start coughing like crazy. "He proposed to me! And I couldn't imagine marrying him... so I said no."
"Oh my God! You didn't tell me!" I hiss as I slap her shoulder.
"I didn't tell anyone!" She defends herself. "Not even my own mother! or Max! He's convinced he cheated because of the way I just packed my stuff in one night and came home."
"Two weddings in a year would have been too much to be fair," I murmur, still in shock.
"We had just gone to Silverstone together, because Max literally begged me, and Lewis called me and basically begged me as well... he wanted me to bring you but I told him you were in Egypt or wherever the hell you were at the time... but we went and oh God it was so painful. Pierre was there... and he was everywhere it seemed like. Not like I was embarrassed to be with Milo or anything, but I just felt like I was being put on the spot..."
"Gotcha," I nod.
"Anyway... the guy I pointed at is for you."
"No," I reply immediately.
"You didn't even look," She argues, tilting her head to the side in disappointment.
"I don't have to," I shrug. "I'm done with vacation dating. The last time wasn't exactly a success, and I feel like it's a constant risk of different kinds of diseases."
"Oh... fair," Evie says as she turns back to her food, and for a moment we just sit there in silence, eating our food. "So who is going to flirt to get the party started?" She continues after a while.
"We can have fun without anyone flirting!" I argue.
Turns out I shouldn't have argued that. We did try to get some drinks, shots and then go out to dance. We danced with each other, not even focusing on other men. We tried to do something fun just between the two of us, but it wasn't even half as fun as when we used to go out and flirt with random men, end up dancing bachata with two strangers, or ending up on some guy's shoulders. It wasn't the same at all.
We can't be getting too old to party already! We only had two years of it. I know we started late, but that can't be it. We need more crazy stories.
I was so bummed about it when I came back. I felt like I was in the middle of an age crisis. I looked at Evie and I, and I wondered if we're getting old. Is it only okay to party the way we did until the year you turn 26 or are we just out of shape.
"It was a bad night... It's a thursday! It'll be better tomorrow..." Evie said. "We just need to get back into the flow..."
"I guess," I replied before we went into our bedrooms to get some sleep. We were probably just jet lagged. Too tired to actually party.
I had been sleeping so poorly the past few days, the past week, actually... and we were now on a seven hour time difference. I was incredibly tired. I put my head on the pillow and I fell right asleep. I didn't have the energy to overthink anything. Not Charles, not the trip, not anything regarding anything. I just fell asleep.
And the first time I get to fall asleep and actually sleep, I'm awaked. I am awakened by my damn phone in the middle of the night. I open my eyes and see the clock telling me it's four in the morning and my phone is calling. I consider not picking up, because It's four in the morning and I'm sleeping. But I would probably overthink what the person wanted and not be able to sleep anyway. So I lift the phone and I look on the screen.
Charles.
Charles is calling me at four in the morning. Except it's not four in the morning for him, it's somewhere around lunchtime. It's somewhere around the time it would be normal for him to call me, if it would have been normal for him to call me at all. And he probably doesn't even know that I'm somewhere where the clock is four in the freaking morning.
"Salut," I answer the phone, trying to sound as awake as possible, because explaining why I'm in Costa Rica would be very difficult.
"Je suis un idiot et je veux que tu saches que je le sais déjà... et je sais que j'aurais dû appeler en premier... J'aurais dû demander avant... mais je suis là et il est trop tard pour te le demander maintenant!" I am and idiot and I want you to know that I already know that... and I know I should have called before... I should have asked before... but I'm here and it's too late to ask you now! he rambles and I prop myself up on my elbow while my half awake brain tries to comprehend what I'm saying.
"Pardon?" Sorry? I ask.
"Vous n'êtes clairement pas chez vous, parce que vous ne répondez pas à l'interphone... et votre voisin ne me laisse pas entrer, et les gens commencent à me regarder parce que je suis là depuis presque une heure à essayer d'entrer. cet appartement. bâtiment où je n'habite clairement pas !" You're clearly not home, because you're not answering the intercom... and your neighbor is not letting me in, and people are starting to look at me because I've been standing here for nearly an hour trying to get into this apartment building where I clearly don't live!
"Est-ce qu'élever la voix fait détourner le regard des gens ?" Is raising your voice making people look away? I ask as I try to put the pieces together in my head. Word for word fall into place, and then I sit up. "Charles! Es-tu devant mon appartement ?!" Charles! Are you outside my apartment?!
"Oui!" Yes! He exclaims. "Je suis désolé! Je n'ai pas appelé ! Mais je... quand rentres-tu à la maison ?" I'm sorry! I didn't call! But I- when will you be home?
"Je ne suis pas à la maison!" I'm not home! I exclaim.
"Je peux voir ça! C'est pourquoi je te demande quand tu reviendras !" I can tell! That's why I'm asking when you'll be back!
"Non! Charles! Je ne suis pas en Italie !" No! Charles! I'm not in Italy!
"Quoi?" What? He asks, and I can kind of picture his face going white, because he seems to realize that he's messed up even more than he thinks.
"Que fais-tu devant mon appartement ?!" What are you doing outside my apartment?!
"Je suis venu te voir! J'ai pris le temps et suis venu discuter !" I came to see you! I made the time and I came to talk! he nearly shouts into the phone. "Où es-tu?!" Where are you?!
I sigh and I put my hand over my eyes, "Costa rica," I admit reluctantly.
The line goes silent. I wait for him to say something. I kind of wait for him to hang up the phone and block my number. The silence feels so long and so heavy. My hand is over my mouth, my heart is beating hard in my chest as my stomach hurts to the point where I could throw up.
"Quand reviendras-tu ?" When will you be back? he asks, so much more silent, sounding calm, almost bored all of a sudden.
"Charles-
"Je suis assis sur le pas de ta foutue porte, je veux juste savoir quand tu reviens," I'm sitting on your damn doorstep, I just want to know when you'll be back, he cuts me off before I even get the chance to explain.
"Ce n'est pas comme-" It's not like-
"Quand?" When?
"Je ne sais pas," I don't know, I admit. "Avant Zandvoort, Evie va à cette course donc nous-" Before Zandvoort, Evie's going to that race so we-
"Parce qu'Evie va à Zandvoort," Because Evie is going to Zandvoort, he repeats my words.
"Oui, c'est ce que j'ai dit !" Yes, that is what I said! I reply with an annoyed tone as he has barely let me finish a whole sentence since I picked up the call. "Je ne savais pas que vous veniez donc je ne pensais pas être assignée à résidence en cas de visite surprise ! A ma connaissance, tu n'avais même pas mon adresse !" I didn't know you were showing up so I didn't think I was on house arrest in case of surprise visit! For all I knew, you didn't even have my address!
"Arthur me l'a donné," Arthur gave it to me, he mutters, which I didn't even need explained because it's the least of my concerns at the moment. "Alors... Tu veux que je vende l'appartement pour toi ou tu reviens le chercher ?" So... Do you want me to sell the apartment for you or are you coming back for it?
"Arrête ça," Stop it, I say sternly into the phone.
"Quoi? La dernière fois que vous avez disparu du jour au lendemain, vous n'êtes pas revenu avant six mois ! Vous ne pouvez pas me reprocher de demander !" What? Last time you just disappeared over night you didn't come back for six months! You can't blame me for asking!
"Je suis en vacances! Je ne peux plus faire ça parce qu'il y a deux ans, alors que je n'avais aucune obligation envers personne, j'ai fait un voyage plus long ?" I am on vacation! I can't do that anymore because once two years ago, when I had no obligations to anyone, I went on a longer trip?
"Êtes-vous en train de me dire que vous ne vous êtes pas laissé déborder et que vous avez profité de la première occasion pour vous échapper ?" You're telling me that you didn't get overwhelmed and took the first chance to run away from it? he asks, and if I was there I would have punched him.
"Je ne fuis rien !" I am not running away from anything! I argue.
Evie starts banging her fist on the wall and I realize that it's still four in the morning, even though it's not four in the morning for Charles. So I make a mental note to stop shouting, even though Charles is driving me insane.
Charles sighs on the other end of the line and I want to hang up in his ear, but I can't let him sit there and believe I was running from him. It's not like I knew he was coming. I'm just trying to sort out my thoughts.
"Vous ne courez pas ?" You're not running? He asks. The tone of his voice suggesting that he doesn't believe me.
"Non! Je suis assis au lit à quatre heures du matin et je te parle ! Je ne décrocherais même pas si j'essayais de m'éloigner de toi," No! I'm sitting in bed at four in the morning, talking to you! I wouldn't even have picked up if I was trying to get away from you, I reply tiredly.
"Il est quatre heures du matin..." It's four in the morning... he sighs and I nod even though he can't see it. "Oh mon Dieu, j'aurais dû appeler avant... Je ne sais pas pourquoi j'ai décidé de venir sans rien dire !" Oh my God I should have called before... I don't know why I just decided to come without saying anything!
"Appeler t'aurait évité des ennuis..." Calling would have saved you the trouble... I admit.
"Je vais te laisser te rendormir... Je suis désolé de t'avoir réveillé," I'll let you get back to sleep... I'm sorry I woke you up, he says after a moment of silence. I kind of feel bad for him, thinking about him sitting outside my apartment with his head against the door and the strong summer sun hitting him while people stare at him.
"Pas de problème... n'hésitez pas à me réveiller à tout moment," No problem... feel free to wake me up anytime, I reply. I hear him chuckle on the other end. "Et pour ce que ça vaut... je t'aurais laissé entrer si j'étais à la maison," And for what it's worth... I would have let you in if I was home, I say as I try to lighten the mood a little. Mostly because I feel bad, and also because I'm scared my trip will make him realize that it was a mistake to let me kiss him.
And that it was a mistake to let me know about the ring he had, and all the other things.
"Eh bien, tu n'es pas chez toi," Well, you're not home, he replies.
"Je suis désolée," I'm sorry.
"Ne vous excusez pas, c'est votre vie, c'est un monde libre." Don't apologize, it's your life, it's a free world.
"Je suis toujours désolé" I'm still sorry, I replied.
"Ok, retourne dormir" Okay, go back to sleep, he says.
"D'accord," Okay, I reply before we say goodbye and hang up.
I'm going to drown in the guilt. In the anxiety of not knowing what Charles is thinking. He thinks I'm running away from him. I didn't even know he was coming. Can I never travel again without him thinking that I'm never going home. I probably haven't done much to deserve his trust on that particular department, but a little faith would be nice.
I tried to fall back asleep, but apparently Evie felt that it was fair to wake me up when she woke up, because if I kept her awake in the middle of the night then she should be able to do the same to me in the morning. I can't say that she's unfair.
Of course she asked me about it. I didn't tell her it was Charles, I just said it was my mom, even though I haven't argued with her like that in years. I always back out of fights before they get to yelling when it comes to my mother, but Evie doesn't need to know that. She doesn't need to know about how Charles randomly showed up outside my apartment without telling me he would.
Why the hell did he show up? What brought him to just pack up his things and come to my apartment without telling me? What did he think was going to happen?
The worst part was being so scared that he's on his way back to Monaco, thinking about how stupid he was to tell me all those things. What if he thinks I'm hopeless? What if he thinks it isn't worth it and this trip just showed him that? He might have changed his mind completely and I don't even know. It's not like I can call and ask him that now, I don't need to bring him any more trouble.
Scratch that, the worst part is actually what I came to realize from my own worries. My worries mean something. I'm not walking around here worrying like this for no reason. I'm scared he doesn't want to try with me again, and that wouldn't matter so much to me if I didn't want to. I want to try again, and I realize that when it's seemingly too late. I want to try again and I want to work, and I've screwed it up for one last high on a trip I'm not even enjoying so far.
Evie and I were laying on the beach, letting the sun tan our skin. I was drowning in my own head while Evie was just talking on and on about something. I picked up bits and pieces of what she was saying. She kept ranting about the whole thing with Milo meeting Pierre at Silverstone and about how awkward it was.
"Am I boring you? I'm sorry..." She says after a while.
"No, no... I get that it was awkward, and it's good to vent," I reply.
"Do you want to get a bottle of wine?" She asks. "I think I'm getting a sunburn anyway, so I need to get out of the sun."
"Wine sounds good," I reply as I pull an oversized button up over my shoulders before gathering all my stuff so we can go back to the room.
We stop by one of the stores close to the AirBnB to get a bottle of wine. We get a cheap one, even though they're disgusting, just to get the real feel of our old vacations. We got an extra one if we'd like to drink some while getting ready to go out one night. When we got back, we looked at the cheap bottle, then at each other and decided not to drink it.
Instead we sat on the balcony playing cards. Somehow it was a lot more fun. Our hair dried and our noses got a little more red as the sunburn settled in on our faces. We used sunscreen, but apparently it didn't help one bit.
"You've been distant all day, it must've been one hell of a fight with your mom," Evie says as I once again get too distracted to realize it's my turn to put a card down.
I sigh as I look through the cards in my hand. I don't like lying to Evie, because I feel like she should know. We usually tell each other everything. Maybe it could be useful to talk about it, maybe she could make me feel better and get some clarity.
"I didn't fight with my mom," I admit, "It was Charles," I murmur.
"Oh no," slips out of her mouth. "What is it about this time?" she asks as she pops a grape from the bowl on the table into her mouth.
"He had a ring," I reply, not knowing where to start so I just put the biggest thing out there. Evie looks at me then shoves another grape in her mouth. There's no wide eyes, gasps or questions. Realization quickly hits me. "You knew?!"
She leans back, "It may have come up! Pierre may have-"
"Pierre?!"
"He likes to talk!"
"Seems like everyone knew but me..." I mutter, leaning back in the chair.
"I'm sorry... I just didn't think there would be any positive outcome by telling you when you had already broken up and fled the country," She says.
"I didn't flee the country! I went on a nice, long vacation!" I argue.
"Yes, whatever," she waves dismissively with her hand. "Did he tell you he had a ring?"
"He told me that he had my mom's ring, that he can't get married or have kids because he wanted that with me and now apparently I am the reason he is going to be a bachelor forever," I rant before slamming down a card on the table. "All of this during the rehearsal dinner and... the wedding reception."
"You got a love confession during his brother's wedding?"
"I mean... I guess," I shake my head.
"So what was the fight about? Are things going even more south?"
"No..." I sigh, "It's... I don't know... we're going to talk and he showed up at my door... In Italy... and I'm not in Italy, because I'm here, but I didn't know he was showing up, and now I'm worried he's upset that I ran away to another country the first chance I got."
"I knew there was a reason for this trip," She concludes as she puts another card on the pile which makes me look at my own cards and then realize I have to pick up the whole pile because apparently I have to suck at this card game too. "But he can't be mad if he didn't let you know he was coming, I'll even cover for you and tell him I was the one who wanted a quick vacation."
"Thanks, but I don't know if... maybe it's pointless," I sigh while I shake my head.
"I don't think so..." She shakes her head as she stuffs her winning face with more grapes. "Max says he's never seen Charles so obsessed with something other than that horse on those stupid cars, so I don't think he's going to back down because you went on vacation."
"Obsessed?" I ask with heavy skepticism.
She pops another grape in her mouth while she cocks her eyebrows as I just give up on the card game. She smiles to herself, maybe because she won or maybe because of the conversation, it's hard to tell.
"Since when do you talk with Pierre enough to tell you that Charles had a ring?"
Evie scoffs and stands up. The way she totally ignores my question makes me even more suspicious that there is something she's hiding from me. I don't want to assume what it is, but wouldn't it be great if it was exactly what I was thinking?
I follow her into the apartment, wondering how the hell I can get more information out of her. She's been talking about how awkward it was for her when Milo met Pierre, but she never mentioned an instance when they would talk about the fact that Charles had a ring.
"We should get dinner," she says. "Do you want to get something, eat it here while we get ready with this horrible wine?" she motions at the wine we left on the counter.
"I want to know when Pierre told you about the ring," I reply.
"It was an ice breaker," she shrugs.
"Oh that is making me feel so good," I say sarcastically.
"I'll let you know that it worked very well," she replies with a teasing smile.
It's my turn to scoff. "Dinner sounds good," I say.
"Great," She replies. "I don't mind running down to the place down the street and getting whatever sounds good."
"Knock yourself out," I nod at her, "I'll prepare the wine and the makeup stations," I yell after her when she goes into her room to put a pair of shorts on.
I go into my bedroom to get all my makeup out and I take it out to the kitchen island while Evie gets her shoes on. She asks me some about what I feel like eating so she has something to go off and then I go get her makeup and our mirrors. I'm basically all done before she's even out the door.
She says goodbye and then walks out the door. I take wine glasses out and I put them on the kitchen island. I take the wine bottle and a bottle opener. I spun it into the cork and then the door opens again.
"C? uh... come here a second," Evie shouts.
I take the wine bottle with me and I walk to the front door. Evie stands there with a look on her face that I can't even read. "What?" I ask.
"You... uh," She says as she starts itching the back of her neck. She takes a step to the side, and a brunette man that is, way, way, way too familiar to be in Costa Rica walks past her into the apartment. "You have mail," She finishes.
Charles looks shyly at me and puts a hand in his pocket, because the other hand is holding a bag in his other hand. I try to figure out if I'm dreaming or not. I have all the crazy symptoms, tunnel vision, dizziness, because I don't think it's real.
"Well, I'm going to get the food," Evie says before she rushes out the door again.
Charles takes a step forward, "Cece-"
It all hits me that it's all so very real. He's there, in Costa Rica, with a bag in his hand. He was just in Italy and now he's in Costa Rica standing right in front of me. Just because of the sudden movement towards me, I don't even know what I'm doing anymore, I practically jump, and to make the situation even more horrifying for me; the wine bottle slips right out of my hand. It hits the floor and paints it red.
Something along the lines of 'oh my God' slips out of my mouth, I think. I stared at the mess and then I saw Charles getting down to start picking up the pieces from the floor, and he put a hand up to push me away from the mess I just made.
"I'm sorry," I stutter out.
I get myself together and grasp onto reality, noticing the mess I made and Charles actually being there and cleaning it up. I get down next to him and I help him pick up the little pieces of glass. Charles looks up at me and shyly chuckles.
"Votre téléphone est cassé ?" Is your phone broken? I ask.
"Je t'ai appelé ce matin," I called you this morning, he replies.
"Oui, mais pas pour me dire que vous arrivez en Amérique du Sud." Yes, but not to tell me you're showing up in South America.
"Je ne savais pas quand nous parlions et... tu sais... en mode avion" I didn't know when we spoke and... you know... airplane mode, he shrugs as if the fact that coming here isn't the weirdest part about this whole thing.
"Charles! Vous êtes au Costa Rica ! Vous êtes venu après moi au Costa Rica !" Charles! You're in Costa Rica! You came after me to Costa Rica! I exclaim as I stand up to put the glass in my hand on the kitchen island, because I'm scared that I'll accidentally squeeze down on the glass as I try to grasp this.
Charles stands up as well and he looks at me, "Je pensais que c'était ce que tu voulais !" I thought that's what you wanted! He exclaims back. "Tu as dit que tu voulais que je te poursuive et je refuse de te laisser me chasser à nouveau !" You said you wanted me to come after you and I refuse to let you get away from me again!
Oh my God, I did say that. Of course I didn't think he'd actually do it. In fact, when I said it I didn't think I would give him an opportunity to do it. But he came after me. He got on, not one, but two planes to get to me and he actually did come after me this time. He didn't think I was running away from him and started to rethink it all. And even if he did think I was running away from him, he wasn't going to let me. He came after me.
He. Came. After. Me.
Charles places the broken glass on the counter and he sighs. He sighs and then he chuckles while shaking his head. He looks around and then his eyes land on me.
"Tu es venu après moi..." You came after me... I whisper.
"Je l'ai fait, je suis désolé," I did, I'm sorry, he replies. He shouldn't apologize. "Je partirai si tu le veux." I'll leave if you want me to.
"Non," I shake my head. "Je ne veux pas que tu partes, je veux que tu restes." I don't want you to leave, I want you to stay.
Charles looks a tiny bit surprised, but his face lights up just the slightest. He steps towards me, very slowly, and I grab his hand to pull him towards me. He stands right in front of me, looking down at me as I struggle to breathe properly. I don't think I'm fully comprehending the fact that he's standing there, so close, when just a few minutes ago I thought he was in Europe rethinking this whole thing.
"Alors je resterai," Then I'll stay, he replies softly.
My heartbeat is beating so fast against my chest I wonder if he can hear it. It makes me nervous having him this close. Since when do I still feel nervous around him? I haven't felt like this since we were younger. I could feel it right then, right there, the defense I had been putting up for two years, just crumbled.
We only have one heart for breaking. For two years, I had protected mine from being put in a position where it beats this hard for another heart, when I don't know if it's going to break again.
Somehow I was so stupid and so stupidly blind that I couldn't even see that whatever defense Charles had put up had been down for a while. He was standing there completely defenseless. He told me about the ring, he told me how he feels, he followed me to Italy, then to another freaking continent. I'm not the one at risk here, he is. He is the one who is probably worried that he is falling with no one to catch him. He is the one who has his heart on his sleeve.
My hand goes up to his chest and I gently place it where his heart is. I make sure not to make him think that I'm trying to push him away. I just had to confirm what I already knew. His heartbeat could give him away just as well as mine. It's pounding rapidly against his chest. I can feel its tiny little thumps going at a rapid speed.
"Charles," I begin.
He lets out a careful laugh while he shakes his head, putting his hand over my hand on his chest, "S'il vous plaît, ne me laissez pas tomber maintenant, je ne pense pas pouvoir le supporter." please don't let me down right now I don't think I can take it.
I chuckle as well, "Je ne suis pas sur le point de te laisser tomber." I'm not about to let you down.
"Dieu merci," Thank God, he says as he squeezes the hand I still have on his chest.
"Je ne veux pas parler," I don't want to talk, tell him. "Pas grand-chose en tout cas... certaines choses que je suis d'accord de prendre au fur et à mesure qu'elles viennent... Je veux juste être à nouveau avec toi." Not too much anyway... some things I'm okay with taking as they come... I just want to be with you again.
He smiles, "Cela me convient." I'm good with that.
"Mais je dois d'abord nettoyer le vin du sol" But first I have to clean the wine off the floor, I say as I carefully slip my hand out of his hold and away from his warm chest.
We clean up the wine together and I get out the other bottle of wine that we brought, thank God. I feel like I could use some wine after his surprise visit. Evie comes back and she immediately dumps food on the table before rushing into her bedroom. Only moments later she comes back out with all of her bags and she moves them towards my room.
"What are you doing?" I ask. She stops and turns to me, looking between Charles and I.
"Well I doubt you're going to send him on a 14 hour flight home, so I guess he'll need somewhere to sleep!" She replies.
"I don't mean to kick you out of your room," Charles immediately says.
"Don't worry about it!" She replies as she struggles all of her things into my room and drops it there. Maybe it's for the better to have Charles in another room. That way we're not suddenly exposed to each other all the time, which might be a little much when we've gotten used to seeing each other a few times a year.
We sat down for a dinner which happened to be slightly awkward as it was very obvious that Evie really, really, really wanted to ask him why the hell he was there. She was really dancing around the subject, just ranting about how boring the first day had been but that we had planned on turning it around today, then she realized that we're probably not doing that tonight since Charles suddenly showed up, which also made her realize that she still doesn't know what he's actually doing there. Well, she knows what he's doing there, but not really.
Charles could sense Evie's dying need to ask as well, and finally he decided to put her out of her misery.
"So, sorry to walk in like this," he starts, looking at Evie. "It's just... C promised to be home for something... and you know what happens when she's away, I can't reach her, so I figured it's easier to just come and get her and make sure she gets there," he continues, lying more like it.
"Uh-huh," Evie nods, clearly not believing him because she knows what I just told her.
I exchange a look with him, silently asking him why the hell he lied to her. Sure, we haven't discussed anything far enough for him to know that I told Evie about it. But he could have stayed silent.
After dinner Evie went out again, telling us she was getting another bottle of wine and a chromecast to have something to watch while Charles and I talk. We didn't even say we were going to talk, but she's very smart like that. Very good with clues.
So Charles and I went outside. We walked down to the beach and began walking. The moonlight was shimmering on the water and we could hear the waves crashing against the beach. It was getting chillier, so I hid my hands in the arms of my sweater I put on before we stepped out.
"Tu n'as jamais été qu'un travail pour moi, j'espère que tu le sais" You were never just work for me, I hope you know that, Charles tells me as we walk slowly on the beach. I didn't want to reply, because I didn't know that. At the end I really felt like that. It's one of my biggest worries about this.
"Honnêtement, je ne ressentais pas ça" Honestly, it didn't feel like that, I eventually reply.
"Et je suis désolé de t'avoir fait ressentir ça" And I'm sorry I made you feel like that, he says as he stops walking, reaching out to grab my wrist and stop me as well. "Je ne veux plus jamais que tu ressentes cela, parce que tu as toujours compté bien plus pour moi." I don't ever want you to feel like that again, because you've always meant so much more to me.
"Bien... tu sais, j'aime faire des choses avec toi, mais je ne peux pas le faire simplement parce que tu veux bien paraître en ligne, je veux vraiment profiter de l'événement avec toi." Good... you know I like doing stuff with you, but I can't only do it because you want to look good online, I want to actually enjoy the event with you.
"Et je veux te voir, Cece, je veux pouvoir passer du temps avec toi... J'ai besoin de toi avec moi ! Je ne te demande pas d'abandonner ta vie et de me suivre partout, je demande juste de pouvoir te voir à mon retour de la journée de piste de temps en temps. Tu peux faire ce que tu veux pendant la journée, ça me manque juste de revenir à l'hôtel et de savoir que je dormirais à côté de toi la nuit..." And I want to see you, Cece, I want to be able to spend time with you... I need you with me! I'm not asking you to give up your life and follow me around, I'm just asking that I get to see you when I come back from a day at the track every once in a while. You can do whatever you want during the day, I just miss coming back to the hotel and knowing I would be going to bed with you in the evening...
"Non, je vais réessayer, Charles" No, I'll try again, Charles, I say as I cross my arms over my chest to keep warm. "Je vais essayer d'aller aux courses et de passer un bon moment... Je ne veux juste pas faire une apparition très publique maintenant que tout est si... tu sais." I will try to go to the races and have a good time... I just don't want to make a very public appearance now that it's all so... you know.
"Si vous vous sentez mal à l'aise, alors..." If you feel uncomfortable then-
"Non, Charles, je veux être là avec toi," No, Charles, I want to be there with you, I insist.
Charles scans my face, and when he sees the genuine look on my face, he smiles. He chuckles and he smiles with his dimples. He looks up at the sky for a moment and then down at me. He lets his hand go up to my face and he puts his hand on my cheek. His face relaxes. He's still smiling as his thumb runs along my cheekbone.
"Comment faisons-nous cela?" How do we do this? he asks as softly as he's caressing my face. "Tu rentres à la maison ?" Are you coming home?
"Nous devons avancer lentement," We need to move slowly, I whisper as he's getting closer. "Nous sommes des personnes différentes maintenant, nous avons grandi... Je ne veux pas nous briser de manière irréparable." We're different people now, we're grown up... I don't want to break us beyond repair.
"Tout ce dont tu as besoin, Cece" Whatever you need, Cece.
"J'ai peur que nous réalisions que nous ne nous sommes pas manqués, juste tous les souvenirs et qui nous étions à l'époque," I'm scared we'll realize we didn't actually miss each other, just all the memories and who we were back then, I admit, breaking away from the eye contact by looking down between us.
"Non, je te connais, je connais le genre de personne que tu es, et je sais que je te veux, et je suis prêt à faire tout ce qu'il faut pour le prouver." No, I know you, I know the kind of person you are and I know that I want you, and I'm willing to do whatever it takes to prove that, he says as he subtly uses his other hand to make me look up at him again.
"Je ne peux pas encore rentrer à la maison," I can't come home yet, I say, not talking about my apartment when talking about home. I put my hands on his chest and run them up to his shoulders. "Mais je te verrai autant que possible." But I will see you as much as I can.
"On dit que la distance rend le cœur plus affectueux" They say distance makes the heart grow fonder, he chuckles as he puts his hands on my waist instead, pulling me closer. He chuckles again as he looks at me. He seems to chuckle a lot lately. "Au fait, j'ai aimé la superficie de ton appartement" I kind of liked the neighborhood of your apartment by the way, he points out.
I wasn't sure if he was talking about the same thing I was thinking of, so I didn't say anything. I just smiled and waited for any indication. Maybe he doesn't remember, maybe he does but isn't reading into it. We have one memory in that city, but it's a big city, there's a chance he doesn't remember where it was. Everything kind of looks the same anyway.
I look at his eyes, wonderful green, the messy hair falling onto his forehead, his eyebrows, his dimples, his lips. My hands move up to wrap my arms around his neck.
"Embrasse-moi," Kiss me, I say. "Tu ne m'as pas encore embrassé... Je t'ai embrassé mais tu ne m'as pas embrassé." You haven't kissed me yet... I've kissed you but you haven't kissed me.
"C'est une de ces choses..." It's one of those things... he starts as he pulls me closer to him, "une fois que je t'embrasse, on s'embrasse, et tout d'un coup je n'ai plus envie de faire autre chose, donc je ne pourrai pas-" once I kiss you, we're kissing, and all of a sudden I don't want to do anything else, so I won't be able to-
I pull him down and I shut him up by putting my lips on his. He tries to pull me even closer but we're as close as we can possibly be. He moves his lips with mine and I can just barely hear a small whimper from him. He stops by lifting his head, catching his breath and putting his hands on my cheeks instead.
"Peux-tu me donner une chance de t'embrasser pour changer ?" Can you give me a chance to kiss you for a change? he asks.
"Alors continuez !" Then get on with it! I laugh before he kisses me again, through both of our laughs.
//
Remember in the beginning when you all hated me? And I told you to be patient? Remember? Hm?