Tammy: Can you multitask?
Constance: Yes! I can listen, ignore and forget at the same time
***
*Team planning a weekend getaway*
Lou: *steps out of her room wearing a t-shirt and jeans*
Daphne: Didn't you wear it two weeks ago?
Lou: Yes
Daphne: That is so weird. I never wear the same outfit twice. Why are you wearing that again?
Lou: Because I paid for it and I have a perfectly working washing machine?
***
Amita: I have decided to never ever date again!
Constance: So... how does it work when you give up on dating? Do you have to go to a shelter or the cats just show up at your place?
***
Waitress: Would you like a table?
Constance: *looking straight into her eyes* No, not at all. I came here to eat on floor. Carpet for 5 please
***
Tammy: My kids are angels!
Debbie: So was Lucifer
***
Debbie: I'll call you later
Lou: No, call me Lou
Debbie: *punches her in face*
***
*Amita and Constance at a bagel stall*
Amita: *looking at a guy jogging* You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone?
Constance: That's common sense leaving your body
*
*Constance texting Amita*
Constance: Knock knock
Amita: This better be good. Who's there?
Constance: Who's who? Your best friend Constance is here. Not Who.
Amita: What?
Constance: What do you mean What?
Amita: What do you mean by what do you mean by what?
Constance: Just open the front door...
***
*Tammy trying to prepare Constance for a sales job interview*
Tammy: *giving her a laptop* Try selling this to me. This is your task.
Constance: *takes the laptop and goes back home while Tammy tries to stop her*
Tammy: *texting Constance* Bring my laptop NOW!
Constance: $250 and it is yours
***
Nine: 97% people are stupid
Daphne: I know right? I am happy and proud that I am in the remaining 5%
Nine: *blank*
***
*After a fight*
Lou: Can we talk?
Debbie: I am busy
Lou: What are you doing?
Debbie: Ignoring you
***
Lou: *proposes a heist plan* So, what do you think? Good one, right?
Debbie: Whatever floats your titanic
Lou: Didn't titanic sink?
Debbie: Yup, just like your IQ did when you came up with that plan
***
Lou: Deborah! Take that cat away! I don't like cats! Either I stay or that cat stays!
*Later that evening*
Lou: *Cleaning the litter box while Debbie and the cat sit on the couch giving bossy look at Lou*
***
Constance: It's the inside that matters. Not the outside
Daphne: Really now? Give me an example
Constance: Refrigerator
***
*Lou's niece under her care in New York*
Lou's niece: *texting* Aunt Lou, I got my boyfriend pregnant
Lou: YOU DID WHAT! YOUNG LADY, YOU GET HOME THIS INSTANT! YOU ARE GROUNDED TILL YOU ARE 81 AND HALF! NO TV, NO MOBILE, NO COMPUTER AND NO INTERNET! AND ESPECIALLY NO BOYFRIENDS!
Lou's niece: LOL aunt Lou *laughing emoji*
Lou: THIS IS NOT FUNNY! THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER!
Lou's niece: Aunt Lou, read what I sent again *laughing emoji*
*A few seconds later*
Lou: FUCK! You fooled me! But you are still grounded for scaring the shit out of me
***
Lou: Your party was really awesome, Tammy! Never expected such a party from you
Tammy: I am surprised you remembered it
Lou: Of course I remember. Why would you say that?
Tammy: Because you were drunk to core
Lou: I was not!
Tammy: If you weren't drunk, why did you congratulate a potato for getting a part in Toy Story?
***
Lou: *calling Tammy* Hey, do you have the Dyson cordless vaccum cleaner in your warehouse?
Tammy: I do. It is really awesome cleaner, Lou. You want one?
Lou: Does it have the run time of 60 minutes?
Tammy: It does
Lou: Does the vaccum head light up?
Tammy: It does. Do you want one, Lou?
Lou: Is the bin capacity 340 mil- I mean 0.09 gallons?
Tammy: It is. Should I set one aside for you?
Lou: It is around 2 kg- I mean 5 something pounds?
Tammy: Yes, 5.2 give or take. Are you interested in buying one, Lou?
Lou: Nope *hangs up the call*
***
Tammy: Whazzup bruh! How's goin bruh!
Constance: Please stop saying bruh every sentence, I beg you
Tammy: I need you to get the groceries bruh. Also, get the clothes from the cleaner bruh.
Constance: Just stop! Please you have to stop saying bruh
Tammy: I don't have to stop saying 'bruh' bruh. It is cool to say 'bruh' bruh. And I am cool bruh
***
Tammy: *texting Constance* I am learning how to add hashtags
Constance: Good for ya
*few minutes later*
Tammy: Something is wrong with Instagram. It didn't add hashtags
Constance: Let me see
Constance: *checks Tammy's insta and reads the description under new post*
"Hashtag dinner with my family. Hashtag happy family. Hashtag feeling blessed. Hashtag husband. Hashtag wife. Hashtag son. Hashtag daughter. Hashtag family"
***
*Young Debbie and Lou, early on in their friendship*
Debbie: That's all you need to survive in this city without me for a week while I go see my parents. You'll be able do it, right?
Lou: Absolutely, sweetheart. You need not worry about me
Debbie: Sweetheart?
Lou: Uh... sorry, just slipped. Is it okay if I call you that?
Debbie: You can call me anything. You are my best friend, Lou
Lou: Anything?
Debbie: Anything
Lou: Wow! Okay Optimus Prime
***
*Debbie and Lou learn about 11:11 wish from Constance and decide to follow that night*
Debbie: What was your 11:11 wish?
Lou: I'll tell mine if you tell yours
Debbie: Okay. I wished for us to be forever together
Lou: Aww sweet one baby
Debbie: What did you wish?
Lou: I wished for a pony
***
Constance: *texting Amita* BOOM POP POP BABOOM KA-BOOM POP POP BA-BOOM
Amita: What the fuck? Constance, what the hell are you texting me?
Constance: I am live-texting the fireworks I am watching right now. You're welcome.
Constance: BOOM BOOM Sparkle- BAAM KA-BOOM
***
Tammy: This is unacceptable, Constance
Debbie: What did she do now?
Tammy: There was a poster about missing cat. The owner put his phone number and the picture of the cat and and a question in bold "Have you seen my cat?"
Debbie: And? What did Constance do?
Tammy: Tell her what you did, Constance
Constance: I called him and said I haven't seen his cat.
Debbie: WHY?
Constance: I like to help where I can.
***