Requested by youraveragewh0re
Y/n had become numb to the biting chill of winter. In fact, she'd become numb to alot of things. That's what happens, when the drugs start working. She had a choice. Relive the screams and cries of fallen soldiers, little boys who were sold tales of glory and honour, or she could take the snow, and drown out the constant battle in her mind
Over and over
Scream after scream
And then...BANG. The door flung open, almost being knocked off its hinges as Tommy, John and Arthur walked in, her bloody brothers. Her faceless expression remaining absent, y/n looked Tommy in the eye, and then continued to stare down at the floor, a cigarette in one hand, and a bottle of whiskey in the other
"You're gonna get yourself killed," Tommy put it simply, dragging a chair across the floorboards so he could sit down opposite his twin sister
"I'm already dead. Surely you know that by now"
"You're drunk is what you are. And you're alive, just about. Come home, have a bath and get some rest. You're tired-" but John was interrupted by her scoff, before she took another drag of her cigarette
"I don't have time to be tired. We have places to be. I believe Mr Kimber is waiting for us down by the cut. I don't intend to be late," and with that, she stood up and left, the alcohol having little affect on the strength of her body. The four shelby siblings, or atleast their bodies, made their way towards the cut, their minds forever being lost to the battlefield
"Now, you shelbys better have made the smart decision. I'm not sure I'm in the mood for killing, but if it comes down to it, I suppose I won't have a fucking choice!" Kimber yelled, a few men behind him as he held a large grin upon his face, a grin which y/n longed to wipe away
"Mr kimber, this is the start of a new era. It would be for your own benefit if you'd realise, sooner rather than later, that the peaky blinders can not be defeated. Walk away from this, and you won't be harmed. However, I doubt you're a man who takes the easy option. So, fight for this land, fight for your power, and you'll just have to learn the hard way what it feels like to drown in your own blood," y/n replied, her face remaining stoic throughout. She had no intention of showing him her pain, and this is how it had to be
"It seems this truce has been unsuccessful. This means fucking war. Think you can handle that girl? After all, us men have experience on the battlefield. Isn't this abit out of your depth?"
"Don't make me laugh Mr kimber. Good day gentlemen" just like that, she left the grounds of discussion, going towards her flat, her brothers hot on her tail.
As she reached the door and unlocked it, her coat chucked across the room, her brothers made themselves comfortable
"I don't recall inviting you in" she stated, pouring herself a glass of whiskey
"We just want you to be safe love. Look, you've heard what we went through. We've told you, about the tunnels, the fights under ground, being buried alive. But what happened to you? Polly said you were a nurse, that much we know. So what the fuck happened whilst you were fixing up soldiers that caused this? Where's my baby sister gone ay?" Arthur asked, taking her glass away
"Whatever happened, its what had to happen. I can't change that, neither can you. Now get out of my fucking flat"
"Y/n-" the bottle of whiskey was thrown just past John's head, causing all men to duck out of the way
"I said...leave...please" they nodded, leaving her alone. However, once they left, y/n felt even worse. The silence became suffocating. There was no noise that could drown out the screams of fallen soldiers. There was no tapping of Tommy's shoe, or gruff voice of Arthur that could distract her. Instead, she was left to focus on the past, a place which she visited often, but hated with all her heart
It was later that week that Arthur came back to pollys, covered in blood. It was dripping down his face, onto his shirt and all over his knuckles
"Y/n, get us a cloth" polly said, but she couldn't move. Not properly. Her breathing became shallow as she watched her brother in pain
"Right, I'll do it shall I?" Polly gasped, barging past as ada watched her sister closely.
"Close your eyes. Close your eyes. Close your eyes. Close your eyes," y/n whispered to herself, looking around frantically, as if disconnected with the world
"Y/n? Here, have some water," ada offered but the glass was knocked from her hands.
"Close your eyes. Close your eyes"
"Fuck" polly gasped, re-entering the room to see y/n rushing to the tap. Running the water, she desperately scrubbed her already clean hands, scratching away the skin as that same sentence was repeated over and over
"What's going on?" Ada asked, ushering finn out of the room. Before she could get an answer, Tommy and John walked in, hearing about Arthur's fight. However, their attention was drawn to their sister, rare tears falling into the sink along with pieces of skin from her hands
"Arthur, leave, I think it's the blood. Polly, ada, you patch him up in the living room. Go," Tommy ordered, leaving just him, John and y/n, who was still panicking
"Hey hey. Its alright. It's alright. You're home. We're right here" John said, grabbing his sisters hands apart so she couldn't scratch them. Her wide eyes met his, and he instantly saw the fear beneath the surface
"Close your eyes. Close your eyes" she continued to whisper, sitting down on the floor in John's arms with shaky knees, her hands quivering in his. Tommy crouched infront of them, tucking hair behind her ear. He got one of her hands and placed it on his chest
"Feel that. That's my heart. I'm alive. You're alive. We're all safe. You're home now y/n. I promise. You're home" it took a while, but eventually, y/n was sat at the kitchen table with arthur, John and Tommy, a blanket around her and a cup of tea infront of her. Her hair was dripping wet after she'd just had a bath in order to soothe her aching body
"There was so much blood" she whispered, staring into the abiss. The only noise was her words, and the crackling of the fire
"When I was a nurse, it started with soldiers who had returned home already. Just helping them adjust to life without their limbs, or their sight. It was difficult, seeing their kids reactions. Especially the little ones, they didn't know what to say or do. But, it was also rewarding. All my patients ended up with the support they needed and the families were happy."
"So what happened? Why has it become so difficult?" John asked
"They transfered me to the fields. I was set up in a medic tent, on the very edge of the trenches. The bombs and the blood. Me and the other nurses were performing amputations without medication, on boys as young as 16. We hadn't been trained properly and we didn't know what we were doing. None of the equipment was sterilised so infection was common. And then, it got to the point where we stopped trying. I knew when a patient was going to die, so instead of making their last moments painful, I would mother them, promising them that it would be OK and all they had to do was close their eyes, and then they would be safe again. There were times where I was so covered in blood, that an army officer couldn't tell if my nurses uniform was German or English. I didn't recognise myself."
"I'm sorry y/n. I'm sorry we never knew"
"Don't. I didn't want you to know. I just, I can't sleep anymore. I keep hearing their screams, over and over like a broken record in my head. They were kids. Little kids, fighting for old men who were sat in their big London homes, drinking tea and sleeping comfortably around their family. It was all wrong. None of it shouldve happened. None of it" the tears kept pouring as she curled into Tommy's side, her arm around his waist
"I'm sorry I wasn't much help today Arthur" she apologised
"I could say the same thing to you. Look, what you've been through is awful. But this shit isn't going to help," he stated, picking up a bag of snow
"I don't know how to stop. It makes the voices go away. Or atleast, it makes them quieter"
"Its sending you loopy sweetheart. This stuff, it's going to ruin your life. If you let it, it'll take over. We are here for you. Just tell us what you need, and we'll get it. But not this. Please, not this," John begged. It was odd. In y/ns eyes, John would always be her baby brother, yet here he was helping her. She kept thinking, it should be the other way round. She should be helping him
"I don't like the quiet. Not anymore. If you can do one thing John, talk. I know, before all this, I hated when you'd ramble on. But now, I can't stand silence. If it's silent, I have nothing to drown them out"
"That's something us shelbys can definitely manage. Especially John. He always knows how to talk" Tommy said with a small smirk. It would be a long road, for all of them. But at the end of the day, they survived the war, and they had eachothers help in surviving the aftermath