Gio
My stomach swirls and sucks down like liquid exiting a drain.
Ren doesn't know yet. Shit.
It doesn't always bother me to tell people. But Ren knew my mom so well, and she had treated her like a daughter. I haven't had to tell someone who knew my mom like that since it happened, and it's bringing it all right back.
I was such a wreck at first; I didn't think I'd ever get over it. But now, having her out of my life feels... normal. Mostly. Sometimes, it still doesn't seem real. Like I could just get in the car and drive back to our house in Bayfield and go through the back gate into our old kitchen, and she'd still be there, making Sunday dinner. But I know that's not really true. The house is sold. My mom's gone.
Finally, the words, "She—she died," softly exit my mouth.
Ren's hand flies over her mouth as she inhales sharply, "Oh, Gio! I'm, I'm so sorry. I didn't—" I can hear the raw emotion in her voice. She reaches over and puts my hand over my hand, communicating heartfelt sadness. My throat tightens and burns more.
"When?"
"Uhh, about four years ago. But she'd been sick, um, pretty sick for a while before that." The corners of my eyes start to tingle—I can't fucking handle it.
God Damn it! I'm NOT gonna fucking cry!!
Glancing up and away, I luckily see our waiter coming. Thank fucking god. I swallow down the emotion. "Oh, here's our food!" pulling my hand back and forcing a smile. "Wait till you try this."
Ren forces a weak smile, too, and we watch the waiter set the steaming plates and baskets before us. Jesus. Pull yourself together.
"Can I get you anything else, another glass of wine?"
Ren's eyes open wide. "Yes, please."
He turns to me. "Another for you?"
"No, thank you. I'll just stick to water now."
I never drink anymore. The one glass of wine is already going to my head.
We dig in, and everything is absolutely perfect. It's one of those dinners where you just have to take a moment after the first bite because the flavors and textures are just so unbelievable. A soft smile returns to my lips as Ren stuffs her face with another bun, making soft little moaning sounds as she slowly chews it. My dick is definitely appreciating the sounds coming out of her, and I focus on that to erase the last remnants of grief.
"Good, huh?"
She puts her hand in front of her mouth to politely block her mouth. "So good!"
I knew she'd love it here. The waiter brings Ren her second glass of wine, and she immediately downs half the glass. She sets her glass down, appearing calmer, too, and then smiles at me.
"Remember the dinner you took me to at Bertolucci's? And we got served wine way under age?" She giggles.
My brow furrows. "Yeah, 'course," I say, a soft smile playing at the edges of my mouth. Pft. Like I could forget our first Valentine's date. "Eri la mia amante."
When you were my lover—I wonder if she will ask me to translate that or if she'll figure it out herself...
Her pupils dilate, and she's looking at me just the way she used to look at me when I was seventeen. The crease at my forehead deepens, unable to properly register this feeling she's stirring up inside me with that look.
"How are you still single?" she suddenly blurts out.
My temperature suddenly spikes, spreading uncomfortable heat under my collar. Jesus Ren! "I don't know!" I shift in my seat and scratch the back of my neck.
There are quite a few reasons, actually, none of which I'm prepared to share with her here and now.
Averting my gaze, I say quietly, "Nothing ever seems to fit or last for me... I guess. I just keep relationships casual now."
"Oh? But we dated for almost two years. You've had other long-term girlfriends at some point, right?"
You have no clue about my life, Ren.
I flick my eyes back to her for an instant. "Would it surprise you if I said no?"
Her eyes go wide. "Really?"
Great. Now, I really feel like a freakn' winner. Thanks, Ren.
"I don't really want to talk about it," I grumble.
"Oh, come on, that can't be true," she coaxes me.
I inhale and quickly release a sigh from deep in my chest, "I don't know. I mean, I've dated lots of girls. I've had a few official girlfriends, but they only lasted a few months. Other than that..." I shrug.
End of story.
"Other than that, what?" She looks at me with big, interested eyes.
That's it. I'm done with this conversation. This is the part when I get to feel like shit, and she pities me, then feels smug about it later, knowing she beat out everyone else. No contest.
"Other than that... I don't want to talk about my sad love life with you," I say a little too gruffly. "You've had much more luck in that department than me."
She scoffs. "What do you mean? I'm divorced!"
"Yeah, but apparently, you loved another guy enough that you got married... and I'm sure you dated plenty of guys in college." I don't break eye contact as I raise my eyebrows and bring my wine to my lips before taking a long, slow drink, finishing off my glass. Thanks to the internet, I know some of this for a fact.
A blush dusts her cheeks. "No, not that many. I went on a few dates. I had another boyfriend for a while before Alex."
I hate the way that name sounds on her lips.
"Hmm, Alexx." The x comes out harshly through my teeth, and I watch her lips press together in a tight line.
"Okay, you're right. Let's not talk about our romantic past," she grits, scowling at me.
Am I being an asshole? Maybe. We finish off the last two buns in silence.
The waiter lays the check on the table. "Whenever you're ready." And takes away our plates. I see Ren reach for the check.
No fucking way.
Pinching the edge, I snatch it away from her. "I'm getting it."
"No, I asked you out tonight," she counters.
I scoff. "Don't be ridiculous." Maybe it's macho or sexist and all to insist on paying these days, but my balls already feel miniature right now after that last conversation. I need this.
Setting the check in front of me, I focus on getting my wallet out of my back pocket when Ren tries to go for it again. Damn her! My hand flies right back down on top of it, and I drag it towards me.
She scowls, fruitlessly attempting to swipe for it over the table. "I have a job now, you know."
I'm guessing she's referencing the fact that she didn't really have one in high school. But her not having money was never the reason; she had an allowance—I just wanted to take care of her. Why can't she just let me do this?! She must know this part of me by now.
"I know... I just want to pay!" I say, holding the check well away with one hand and getting my card out of my wallet deftly with the other.
"Let's split it!"
"No!"
I hold her stare hard to indicate she's not going to win at this. Plus, getting to see the firey flicker in her eyes is kinda fucking hot. Without looking at the total, I just hand my card over to the waiter, who is just walking by. Done. I can feel a smug smile attempting to pull the corners of my mouth, but I keep it mostly in place.
She flings her napkin on the table and wrinkles her nose at me before pushing back her chair and walking off to the restroom. My face relaxes into a wide smirk. I know she's not that mad, and she's so damn sexy when she's frustrated with me.
The smug expression abruptly dissolves as the waiter returns the receipt and my card—one-hundred and forty-seven bucks plus tip! Shit. This has been one hell of an expensive month already, and work is always frustratingly slow in the winter—everything is dormant right now. I exhale deeply, feeling the weight of my finances suddenly—no more eating out for the next couple of weeks. Glancing down the hall, I see Ren exit the restrooms, so I quickly sign the check and stand to get her coat ready.
I'm getting a fantastic full-length view of her as she walks toward me in her body-hugging black dress, her eyes sparkling back at mine. The way she's looking at me right now... damn, my heart fidgets in my chest in an uncomfortably pleasant way. She turns for me, and I slip her coat around her slender shoulders. She flicks her hair out from under the collar, and my eyes softly close as I inhale her heady scent, then follow her out in a haze out into the night.
After walking the short distance back to my car, she turns to face me, placing her hand on my arm so naturally, and a rush shoots up to the back of my neck. "Gio, that place was amazing," she says with a dazzling smile. "As good as any top restaurant I've been to in New York! Thanks for bringing me here."
Warmth blooms in my chest at her praise. "No problem. Thanks for suggesting we go out tonight.''
Opening the passenger door, I tuck Ren like a guilty pleasure back into my car. As I drive her home, alone together, I once again settle into this nostalgic but comfortable feeling of her and me, and a kind of sadness and dull ache for what we had spreads within me like a sickness. I try to ignore it, but the haunting electric house song I have playing on my stereo, one I've listened to many times thinking for her, is only amplifying the feelings.
"Remember turning on the night.
And moving through the morning light.
Remember how it was with you.
Remember how you pulled me through—I remember."
I remember how much I loved her back then, how much she made me like myself. My whole world seemed to open up for the better. I thought I was becoming somebody different, somebody worth her love. When she left me, that part of me went with her, and I completely lost sight of who I even was for a while.
I don't ever want that to happen to me again, so I know how wrong it is even as I do it—but briefly, I pretend we are driving back together to spend the rest of our lives with each other, like I once planned, and not just part ways again.
But even though it feels so good, it fucking hurts because I know it won't happen.
What the fuck am I doing? Letting her back in with me in my mind. The first girl who wrecked me. The very one who's most likely to do it again. Picking her up in my expensive car and taking her out to a fancy dinner to make her believe I'm someone I'm not? If she saw who I really am now... she'd be a fool not to run away. Don't even kid yourself, Gio. She's always been too good for you. Your life's fucking trainwreck, and you're a ticking time bomb. What you're feeling is a ghost of what was—not what fucking could be.
All too soon, I'm pulling up in front of her mom's house again. But, instead of grabbing her bag and preparing to leave, she sinks further into her leather seat. Her chest rises with breaths as she folds her hands in her lap glancing at me hesitantly.
"Okay, then," she breathes.
My eyes flick down and back to hers, "Okaaaay..." I mirror back slowly, feeling a silvery shiver go up my spine.
She waiting for something to happen. What does she want to happen?
Our eyes meet and hold as the silence in the car becomes thick. My body feels frozen, though my breathing both shallows and quickens. I watch as she unconsciously sucks in her plump bottom lip, licking it before dragging the crisp edge of her teeth across it till it pops back out, all glossy and wet. It is becoming almost impossible to swallow the thick saliva thinking about kissing her is drawing into my mouth.
Don't do it. Don't you dare fucking kiss her! The silence is turning uncomfortable.
"Um, can I see you again... sometime?" her voice breaks off key. Her eyes bore into mine and it's like she's injecting me with a drug I desperately crave—fuck, I just want it so bad.
My heart pounds into my throat, I'm sure she can see it. Her words repeat in my head, but I can't make them make sense.
"You want to keep seeing me?" my brow furrowing.
Her eyes dart to the side and then back to mine. "Yeeeah?" she hedges, her statement sounding more like a question.
What does she mean? Where is she going with that? Friends? No, she must be feeling this too. Is... is she trying to get back together? After eleven years of no contact, suddenly, she shows back up and wants me back?
It's not enough. I need her to tell me. "Why?"
Her mouth hangs open a sec before her eyes harden, "Why can't we just keep seeing where it takes us?" she snips.
Her look is like fire, and something like fear rises like acid in my throat.
Because if I say yes to that, I'll be back in love with you by the end of tomorrow, and you'll eventually find out about who I am and what I'm like now, and you'll leave me all over again, and I WOULDN'T FUCKING MAKE IT THOUGH THAT ANOTHER TIME!!
My mood feels highly unstable right now, like a volcano bubbling beneath the surface, and I don't like it. I need to calm the fuck down. You got to see her again, so be happy for that, but whatever this is... it ends tonight.
I take a deep breath and heave a heavy sigh, steadying my voice, "Because Ren, I feel like we both know where this is headed if we do and..."
She raises her voice "And?!"
I've tried really hard to keep my cool tonight, but her voice is strained with emotion, and it's just enough to break me.
"And... and I don't know if I want to go down that road again with you—OKAY?!" I say harshly, anger rupturing out from within and flashing across my face.
That blows her back. She sits there for a second, stunned. Then her shoulders cave in slightly, and her lip trembles as she rapidly tries to blink back tears. Fuck.
I feel like a fucking monster. She doesn't deserve my shit. This is all on me, and she should stay the fucking hell away from me. I reach over and put my hand over her hand, and the touch sends an electric current all the way through my arm to my heart, and it stings.
She looking all around the car, anywhere but me. I try to swallow against the giant rock lodged in my throat. "I'm sorry. Ugh! Look, it's not like that. Okay?"
Her eyes snap to mine.
"What IS it like?!" she chokes out—her words scraping across my gut.
Should I tell her? Chills spread down the sides of my body as I consider that.
"It's... it's..." My eyes dart back and forth between her as a multitude of different emotions flash through me, too fast to process.
The car is absolutely alive with our energy, but the only sound now in the car is just our heavy breathing, both our chests rising and falling with breath as our eyes lock together in an intense exchange.
Her red eyes glisten with tears, and in this moment, she's never been more beautiful or precious to me than she is right now.
But...
"Fuck it," I utter. Leaning in suddenly, my fingers thread fluidly through her hair, pulling her head to urgently to mine. My eyes flutter closed, my mouth crashing hard onto hers. The feeling of her soft lips on mine one more is fucking ecstasy.
She kisses me back feverishly, reaching for my body and pulling me closer. Her hand folds around the back of my neck, sending shivers down my spine. She opens her mouth to me, and my tongue dives in to caress hers. She tastes just like I remember, and I'm so fucking thirsty for her! A low, needy tone escapes her throat—fuck, that's it—I feel one hundred percent out of control now. Fuck, I need her closer. The stupid center console is in the way!
Keeping one hand around her neck to keep her tight to my mouth, the other moves from behind her back to greedily feel her tits. Yes. My cock swells uncomfortably against my zipper. She lets me roam all over, squeezing the fullness of one breast roughly before sliding down to her waist, gripping her hip, pressing my thumb into the softness of her abdomen and against the bone, and moving back up again in a frenzy to reacquaint myself with every angle and curve.
Her breath is heavy, practically sucking the very air out of my lungs. I dive further into her mouth, and she matches me perfectly, twirling her hot tongue around mine before pressing against it just the way I like. I remember you, Ren, every bit of you. How you smell, how you taste, the way you feel, outside and in. What you like, what you don't. I need you. God, how I fucking need you. I don't care anymore, I'd—
No.
A warning sounds deep in my psyche.
Stop. Stop. Stop. Stop. stop. stop.
Suddenly and without warning, I feel like I'm drownding. Literally.
My stomach drops out, icy water fills my veins, and I can't breathe—like I've been flipped over in a kayak, head underwater. I panic. I try to flip back to normalcy, but I can't. I pull back suddenly, flattening myself against the side of the car, trying to suck in the air.
You can't. You can't lose yourself again!
"Ren, Ren. I'm sorry I can't. I can't do this."
Her eyes double-blink. "What?!"
She doesn't get it, but I can't explain.
"Please," I beg her. "I can't do this. Please go."
"But—"
"PLEASE!" I bark, and my voice reverberates in the charged energy of the car.
She's scarcely breathing, looking at me like she doesn't recognize me all of a sudden, and frankly, neither do I. She holds my stare for just one more moment. Then she scrambles out of my Corvette and slams the door shut. Without a second look, she scurries to her front door and disappears inside.
"FUCK!!!" my voice sounding like the shattering of glass.
I crumple against the steering wheel in the emptiness of my car.
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