In retrospect Nick shouldn't have found it, he knows that. Matt's room always had been a bit of an unstable subject. So it wasn't often that anyone was allowed to be in it without Matt being there as well.
Maybe that's why It wasn't all that surprising that he'd missed something so dire. Especially since his brother didn't let anyone in it when Matt wasn't around. He'd just never thought that secrecy had been over such an important issue. Had always figured the younger just liked his privacy as they all did.
Originally if Nick were being totally and completely honest, he hadn't even meant to come across it. In fact, a part of Nick thinks he would've been a lot happier had he not. Had he stayed oblivious.
It was too late to turn back now. Too late to hope that Nick's oblivity wouldn't run out. Because he'd found something in Matt's room. And now he can't just pretend he hadn't.
______
He'd been snooping through Matt's room for a shirt of all things, figuring Matt had taken it. They ended up swapping clothes often enough that it wasn't that far-fetched to assume one of his brothers had taken it.
With purpose, he'd walked into Matt's room. That earlier objective momentarily was forgotten as Nicolas's cerulean-colored eyes traveled elsewhere in his brother's room. Coming to a stop on one thing that wasn't normally there. At the thought, he scrutinized Matt's end table. Curiosity overwhelmed him immediately at the poorly hidden paper practically gleaming up at him. He doesn't remember that ever being there before.
It's new then. Or new to him at least.
The singular slip of paper, a note he realized upon further inspection was strewn across Matt's end table. It's all but seeming to be glinting mischievously at him. Begging him to -
No, he can't read it. Or that wasn't right. He could read it but knows he shouldn't. It's an invasion of privacy and Nick's well aware of the fact. After all, his brother isn't even home to tell him not to.
But he's so curious, there'd been nothing interesting in this room as of yet. His shirt still hadn't been found and was nearly forgotten at this point. And fuck is the curiosity torturing him.
He'd have time to feel guilty later and Nick knows he shouldn't read it. But Matt isn't here, therefore his brother can't get mad at him.
And Nick shouldn't be here, shouldn't be in his younger brother's room grasping the paper so gently in his hands. He knows it's an invasion of privacy that he is.
But he is here. He's here grasping at what appears to be a note. Nobody has stopped him yet from reading this and nobody explicitly told him that he couldn't. As far as Nick's concerned it's harmless.
Mind made up, he begins reading. His eyes widening as he processes the words. The first thing that Nick realizes as he skims the note is that this is anything but harmless.
It was a fucking suicide note. His baby brother had a suicide note written up. One that'd been sitting here for who knows how long.
Nicolas can't breathe. No matter how much air floods in through his nose and mouth it just doesn't seem like enough. Doesn't suffice.
Not when he'd just found out that Matt wanted to die.
_______
Matt doesn't pick up his call. Nick doesn't for the life of him know what to do. Can only acknowledge the absolute need he feels when it comes to finding Matt. He isn't letting Matt go like this,
With a bated breath, Nick's fingers fumbled with his phone,
Instantaneously he tried his brother's cell. Sent to voicemail. Again. Voicemail. Okay, then, it was fine...Matt was fine. His brother had to be fine, was busy or something. The correlation between what he'd found and his brother's sudden radio silence didn't go unnoticed by him. Nicolas could only hope that it wasn't what he thought,
''Fuck, fuck, will you fucking pick up your phone already, Matt?'' Nick screams, gripping tighter at his phone.
It rings for a bit this time then there's nothing. It sends him to voicemail once again. Nick sucked in a breath. He's a hurricane of emotions as he finds himself with enough sense to call Chris.
Heading to his room of all places, he paces. Waiting for his youngest brother to answer, he's without a reason as to why he thinks calling Chris will help any. He just does.
Before long Nick finds himself panicking more once Chris's voice does pick up on the second ring. Why had he even called? What more could Chris do to help this when Matt wasn't even answering him? There was always a possibility that...
''What's up?''
That he was too late.
''Matt's not answering any of my calls,'' Nick tells immediately.
''He's not?'' Chris asks, voice sounding more alert. ''No way, the world must be ending or something. That kids always on his phone,''
Nick doesn't joke back. If anything it has him more frantic, Chris's right after all Matt is always on the phone.
''He didn't, and he isn't here. I was wondering if you've seen him,''
''Not since earlier,''
Panic evaded him.
''Damnit, try calling him please,''
Nicolas focused on his breathing that'd picked up. Trying to slow it down as much as possible. Chris's voice picked up in concern.
''Did something happen to him? You don't sound right. Nick, what's going on?''
''We just need to find him, keep an eye out for him,'' Nick demands. ''If he contacts you or anything at all call me,''
_______
It's Matt who contacts him this time. Not the other way around, his phone lights up with his brother's contact photo, Matt's calling him back. Matthew's very much alive. He had time then - still had time to change the younger's mind. It was a heavy weight on his chest knowing that. Being so aware of the fact that one wrong word or move could screw this all up.
He chokes on a breath of surprise before his fingers tap on his phone. Just as he'd tapped answer Matt's voice sparked at him.
''Hello?''
The reply Nick gives is almost immediate. Crisp and concise even through the waver in his voice.
''Matthew,'' Nick says into the phone. ''Matt, you missed my call,''
''Yeah, Hi Nick, I know I did, I just saw you'd called. Sorry about that, my ringer was on silent, and It's -'' Matt cuts off, while his brother had originally seemed readied to say more. Chatter resounds from Matt's end. And then Nick hears, ''It's so busy here,''
''Where at, where the hell are you?''
Matt replies carefully after a beat, anxiety seeming to edge the brunette's tone at his voice. He knows he's gotten Matt worked up now. But he's so worked up himself that he doesn't know how to stop.
''At Target? You'd said we needed groceries earlier and none of you jumped up at the idea of getting them, so I went,'' Matt answers. ''Why? Don't tell me you guys want to come now. Because I'm not going back and picking you two up,''
Huffing, Nick forced out a response.
''Forget the groceries for now, I don't care even if you don't come home with anything. I need you to come home,'' Nick murmurs, tone insistent. ''I have to talk with you,''
''But I drove here already, can it wait?'' Matt went on, perplexity evident. ''That's a waste of gas,''
''Just come home or I'm coming to you if you don't,'' Nick proposed. And when that didn't feel like enough he tacked on a, ''Please, I need to see you,''
A second goes by before,
''Alright, sure, I'll be home soon,''
Nicolas sounds so reassured at that moment and Matt can't for the life of him figure out why.
''Okay, Matt?''
''Huh?''
''You're okay for now right, just until you get home?''
''I mean, yeah? I don't expect you to stay on the phone the entire time with me, Nick,''
''I will,''
_______
Nick does as he'd promised, staying on the call until Matt eventually ends it. The exact second that Matt does so Nicolas hears the front door open. He's racing toward it immediately, stumbling over his own two feet in his haste to get to the other. His brother's interest piques at the sudden behavior but otherwise Matt doesn't comment on it. Dropping the Target sacks on the kitchen countertop.
''I know you said you didn't care what I came home with but I - '' Matt's voice suddenly cut off mid-ramble, Nicolas looks at his younger brother. Only to see that the brunette's eyes are glued to what's in his hand. Still, Matt denies him eye contact. Won't look up at him. ''What the fuck,''
''Matt,''
Matt's eyes gleam at him in anger, hurt, and a twinge of confusion. He sees it all, even when he wishes he hadn't. Nick notices it all, every slight reaction, every time that Matt tenses. He sees it even when he wishes he wouldn't. He finds that it'd been easier when he'd been able to pretend that finding this wouldn't have hurt either of them.
And then Matt's taking a step back from him.
''No, how could you,''
''Please, Matt...- '' Nick sputtered out through something resembling sobs. ''I'm so - I'm so...I'm so sorry! I'm sorry, Matt,'' He cried, nearly hyperventilating between words. ''I'm sorry! How could I not know, I swear on everything that I didn't know. I never knew it was this bad for you,'' Nicolas wheezed, Matt watched unmoved as the elder brother hugged himself. ''I'm sorry I didn't know, Matty. Sweetheart, please, I'm sorry! I love you so much, Matt, I didn't mean to! I didn't mean to, please,''
''Stop, Nick, just - just put that down,''
He does, he drops it like the note burns him. Because it does. Matthew's eyes trail with it as the paper falls to the floor.
Nicolas could leave it there, he doesn't leave it alone though. He asks about it instead.
''What's this, Matt?''
''You were snooping,'' Matt says simply, eyes snapping to him. Voice dripping in accusation. ''It doesn't matter if you're sorry, you had me come home so you could show me you'd gone through my room? I don't believe this,''
''It's nothing like that, and I wasn't looking for this! It was just there,''
''It is like that,'' Matt corrects. ''And let me guess you just expected me to be okay with that, for me to like that you did this all without asking?Because I'm not,'' Matt goes on. ''Seriously, what makes you think you had any right, Nick?''
He knows what Matt's doing, trying to throw off the course of their conversation. Get him angry to the point where they stray off-topic, he isn't falling for it.
''I know what you're trying to do Matt, and I'm not going to let you do it. You aren't pushing me away. I asked you what this was. And yes, I know what I did, you can be mad at me all you want later, but right now I'm worried about you,''
''Worried about me,'' Matt repeats, Matt's disbelieving laughter rings in Nick's ears. ''You went fucking snooping in my room, that's overstepping. That's not being worried about someone. Do you even realize how invasive that is of you, how unfair that is of you to do? Or do you just not care?''
Matt watches warily as Nick comes closer. Listens as the elder ignores the second half of his question.
''Jeez, you're starting to sound like a broken record. Matt, what aren't you getting about this?''
''I'm still on the part where you were apparently you thought it was your job to go searching through my room,''
''Well how bout' instead we get to the point where I found a literal suicide note in your room, and then you weren't answering. What was I supposed to think, that you were fine? That's not what I thought,''
The use of the word 'suicide' attached to the word note leaves Matt stunned. They'd been dancing around the word up until now. But hearing suicide outright used is different.
That's exactly what it had been right? A suicide note.
''Not exactly,''
''Well that's what this is, that's what this all boils down to. That's heavy shit. So, you think I care about anything else other than that right now? I don't. My only concern is on why you would write this,''
''I think you know,'' Matt says quietly.
''Why?'' Nick then asks, it's all he can ask as tears stream down his cheeks. ''I need to know why,''
''The same reason why anyone else would write one. I felt really low, alone even for a while. I don't think I was ever actually going to go through with it,'' It sounds more like a question and he's sure Nick hadn't noticed as well. Matt isn't even sure himself what he was referring to. Wasn't sure where he was going with this. ''And you weren't.. It was a way for me to vent - nobody was supposed to ever see that, I promise that wasn't what it looked like,''
Nick feels slightly winded at the answer, heart suddenly raw and clenching at his insides.
''Kid - ''
''Or well I guess it was one but I've... you have to understand, I wrote it a long time ago, I've had it for a while,''
''That makes it so much worse,''
Matt glances at him, a touch of defensiveness edging the younger's expression.
''I didn't go through with it,''
''I know, I know you didn't,'' Nick cries out gently. ''And I'm so grateful for that. You have no idea, Matt, but the fact that you ever felt that way. That we didn't even know you felt that way is the problem here,''
It's true. Matt knows that it's a problem one that Matt had never addressed.
''Did you ever think about going through with it?''
''All the time,'' Matt mutters truthfully. It's the hardest thing he's ever had to admit. Nick's stricken look doesn't go unnoticed. Yet Matt can't stop himself from getting this off of his chest. ''I guess the note had been more of a comfort thing at first. I wrote it a long time ago - maybe when I was fifteen or so? Yeah, I think I was fifteen when I wrote it. Wasn't able to get rid of it. I'd look back on it all the time and I guess it was nice to have something to fall back on. To know that if things ever got too hard and I couldn't handle anymore that I - that I could just go through with it - I'd already had a note for it. It fuck.. Nick, it helped. Sometimes I even think it was the only thing keeping me going,''
Matt admits to him. Relentless tears streaming down the triplet's face, mouth agape at the realization. Nicolas can't help himself even if he wanted to. He gathers Matt tightly in his arms, feeling tears of his own fall.
''Sweetheart, Matty, listen to me when I say this that's why I'm worried, that's what makes this so not okay,''
Matt curls closer to him, the younger making himself impossibly smaller. Nick's heart hurts at the motion.
''Please, hold me, Nicky, please. I don't - I don't want to keep talking about this right now,''
Silently Nick nods. More to himself than anything. Before doing what Matt had asked of him. And he would, he'd hold Matt anytime the other asked him to. If only it stopped the younger from feeling this way.