At night, I take off my pyjama and take a hot streaming shower while doing a rough skin and haircare after. It felt so good to get my wavy thick hair to shine and my skin getting glowy. I was just about to open the bathroom lock and get to my cozy bed when something tickled inside my head, the thought of my weight. Why was it bothering me so much? "It's just a number." I tell myself while pulling out the scale from under the sink. I step on it, 162lbs. I looked in the mirror, had I really gained weight? Did I look big?
"Nah I'm fine." I say confidently and put the scale back. I looked good. And with that I allowed myself to crawl into my cozy bed and fall asleep.
***
A couple of weeks passed, nothing important had happened. Only three weeks this boring February and then it'd be March, my birthday was finally coming. 17 days to be exact. Sweet seventeen. My sweet sixteen hadn't been a success, but maybe this would.
"What's for lunch today?" Dahlia asks me on our third lesson today, distracting my calculations about my sweet seventeen.
"I think chicken soup or some soup, but I'm not completely sure." I mutter back.
"You wanna skip school lunch and go to somewhere else?" Dahlia smirks.
"What? Where?" I ask and look at her dark blue eyes, the contrast of her black hair and dark blue eyes was hair raising gorgeous. She had always got all the boys' attention wherever we went, I was just kinda... there. Like I wasn't ugly or anything but she was just, that something. She had the natural charm that I needed badly.
"There's a pizza place down the street, I heard it's pretty good." Dahlia suggests.
"Sure, sounds good." I shrug. "Who else's coming?"
"Leo of course, and Abby. And maybe June, Lavinia and Nicklaus." Dahlia lists. June and Nicklaus were our friends who just sometimes hangs around us and sometimes they don't. I guess they do today. And Lavinia is Leo's year younger sister who also just hangs around us sometimes. She's okay.
"Oh, okay." I say and try to focus on my x calculations for the rest of the class. I couldn't risk my good grades.
When the lunch time finally rolled around we all gathered together and just sneaked out of the main door. Very sneaky. Leo was already having a full on fight with Lavinia.
"Gosh can you two just behave for a solid two minutes?" Abby snapped finally.
"He's a fucking idiot!" Lavinia shouts, for like third time in a day. Every time I'm seeing the two of them I can't believe how lucky I am for having an okay brother and not like Leo.
"We know." I mutter so quietly that no one can't hear me. I can't understand what Dahlia sees in him? He's so... ugh. A red flag is nothing compared to him.
It only took five minutes to walk here, still Lavinia and Leo managed to fight for a couple more times.
"What are you gonna order?" Abby asks me and I shrug, having no idea.
"I think we'll just have the pepper pizza." June says and points at Nicklaus and herself. They were kind of like a thing, but it was pretty messy so no one knew about their stuff.
"You could get... hmm maybe fucking far away from here." Lavinia hisses at her brother.
"You could... shut the fuck up and go to hell?" Leo hisses back.
"Leo just shut up and just focus on ordering something." I say finally losing my temper.
"Mind your own business fatty." He snaps completely unexpectedly.
I turn to him, eyes wide. "Excuse me?" I question in disbelief, he did not just say that.
"You heard me. You've just been gaining weight." He says and scans me up and down.
"No I haven't?" I ask still in a bit of shock.
But no one says anything for a while. They were just staring and glancing at me. Leo's face turned from angry to a soft smirk, knowing he had gotten into me. "I haven't, right?" I ask genuinely not knowing what to say anymore.
"I mean, just a little maybe." Abby shrugs carelessly.
"Yeah, but it's not that bad." Dahlia replies smiling.
"What the fuck Dahlia?" I ask eyes the size of a plate and my voice a bit trembling.
"I mean, it's not a secret that you've been gaining?" Dahlia just shrugs and looks at me confused. Was she right?
"Come on babe you don't have to be that nice, she's fat and she needs to know it. We're just helping her with saying things honestly." Leo says but Dahlia looks a bit unsure.
My throat feels burned, raw tears are too close to coming out of my eyes and I have to do all I can to not let them out. I watch them all for a while, but no one says anything.
"Well maybe you should get a salad?" June asks smiling.
"Or maybe just water?" Leo laughs. Abby chuckles with him.
"Whatever. I'm fucking out." I storm off, half expecting for someone to run after me. But no one does.
Embarrassment and tears burn my throat, was I really that fat? Gosh I am so stupid how could I not see it? I find a public bathroom and stare myself at the mirror. And to my horror, I realise that my thighs and tummy indeed were full of fat.
My thighs were... huge. They touched each others, I didn't have a thigh gap. My stomach was looking big too, I didn't have a good body. I touch my tights and it feels disgusting, how could I never notice? My stomach growls and I've never hated it so much. Fat. I am fat.
I turn to look my sideways, my stomach stuck out so badly that I feel tears starting to foam my face. I had no ass, no tits and just a big part of fat in me. Of course I wasn't pretty, not like this. I want what Dahlia has... why can't I look like her?
***
"Shit!" I whisper-yell as my hands are getting burned from this shitty tree I'm trying to climb. I should be in school, but I just couldn't. I never skip school, I've never skipped a day in my life. But it all came crushing down and I needed time to think. Maybe Elijah's friends were right two weeks ago.
After ten minutes of struggling I get a good hold of a thick branch and pull myself up with all my strength. It really takes effort but I continue to climb until I finally reach my window, unlock it and pull myself to my small cozy room that was always cold. I have to be dead silent so if anyone is actually home they won't notice me, can't risk it.
Tiptoeing quietly to the stairwell, after checking that Elijah surely is not home, to see if mom is home. At least the house is completely quiet, so I doubt her being here.
A relieved sigh leaves my throat as I figure that nobody indeed is home, except for me of course. Mom would most definitely kill me if she found out I was skipping school.
I walk back upstairs, not bothering to eat anything, the hunger had already passed. I go straight to the bathroom where I pull off my clothes and pull out the scale. Two weeks had passed from the last time I did this. I take a trembling breath and step on it, 163lbs. Oh, so I did put on some weight. Not that badly but still, in just two week? It was quite a lot.
I'm disappointed, that's the least I can say. 1 freaking pound more. How disgusting was I? Maybe this is the reason why no one likes me. A diet would help.
Maybe I should try diet so I'd lose the extra three pounds. I'll just quickly lose the pounds and then I can be pleased with myself. 160lbs is really good. I could be more lovable, I think. Four pounds isn't anything big, it wouldn't hurt to lose it.
***
This was the first time I've ever skipped my homework. I googled all I could find about calories and all important stuff to lose weight. Mom had come home, and Elijah too. I told them I didn't want any snacks since I had eaten a big lunch at school. In reality, I had only eaten breakfast today and the hunger was ridiculously intense feeling right now.
"Livia, dinner is ready!" Mom yells finally at 8PM. God lord I was so hungry. This freaking starving is making me dead, I can't starve myself to feel pretty, I know that. And I won't of course, tomorrow I'll just eat a little less and feel nice while losing the extra weight.
Jumping downstairs I take a seat next to Elijah who is telling us about his football practice, again.
"Don't you have anything else to tell?" I sigh and take some mushed potatoes and sauce on top of them.
"Oh, well, I failed the chemistry exam." He exclaims and mom's freezing eyes land on him.
"Shit Elijah." I say surprised. I never expected him to fail, nor did mom.
"Language Livia. And Elijah what is wrong with you? School is so important for your whole future. That can't happen ever again, I never want to hear anything like that ever again. Clear? If I catch you failing even one more time..." mom swears with ice cold glaze. I slurp my milk while watching Elijah getting scolded, my grades were always making her proud.
Elijah looks at me pleading for help when mom just keeps going on and on but I just smirk and mouth: "go study smartass."
"Shut up." He mouths back but gets scolded even more about it. I finish my mushed potatoes and beefsteak, thank mom for the food and tiptoe upstairs. Two meals today, not bad at all. Even though I could eat a bit more tomorrow since this isn't probably very healthy.
I study for the rest of the evening, hoping to ace the next literature exam coming up. Like in the movies, I fall asleep on my desk. Maybe tomorrow's a better day?
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