"In the end, I'm gonna be alright.
But it might take a hundred sleepless nights,
To make the memories of you disappear."
December 14th, 2021.
OuterBanks, North Carolina.
𓇼 𓇼 𓇼 𓇼 𓇼
Holidays had passed by without any mention of the friend group that was missing. Sadness flooded my mind knowing that they were more than likely dead, or in a long-term hiding which I wouldn't ever understand what the meaning behind it was. My parents were distraught about the loss of children that were like their own. Kiara's parents sought counseling for comfort, knowing that their daughter and only daughter, was either passed or hidden in a different country. My parents tried to comfort her parents alongside Rose, and Pope's parents even though nothing could fill the hole that wounded their own hearts because of their beloved children.
The void was filled for the most part. Rafe was still catering to me and the small baby that started to get much bigger, now that I was about five months pregnant. The gender reveal would be a small celebration with my parents and family, alongside the family that belonged to Rafe in South Carolina. The young women I coached for Volleyball were persistent that I had the celebration, offering to cater to me and wanted to throw the party. I didn't turn down the offer knowing that I could use some of the excitement in my life. I had been devastated for the months that my friends had been missing, so it was nice to find a time where I could be happy for a couple of hours. I wasn't completely depressed, just more anxious knowing that they weren't here. Rafe would comfort me over the same things constantly. Allowing me to rest my head on his chest, running his fingers through my hair and his other hand rubbing up and down on my back. He would whisper sweet nothings into my ear that made me feel somewhat good in the moment.
He was just someone that I didn't ever know I could ever have or deserve. He took his change seriously and wanted to be the best that he could for me, which was for the best. As much as he missed his little sister, he was hopeful that she would be found alive and healthy. That was all that he really cared about. He understood the sadness that flooded my heart and mind. He stayed calm and relaxed to calm my own nerves and anxieties. I appreciated him for loving me the amount that he did. He never once left my side from the time that we started dating, up until now. He was the best significant other I could have ever had and would later become the best father to a sweet baby. He was so tender and sweet. He would rub the five month pregnant stomach that grew his sweet baby. After my baths and showers, he would rub a small amount of lotion against my stomach to prevent the stretching and swelling of the skin, but mostly because he wanted to just touch the baby that was growing inside of me. It made him happy knowing that he could do small things for me that would be appreciated by me.
He declared one late night that I was the love of his life. He couldn't see his life without me. That night felt like a blur between us, understanding that he was truthfully in love with me as much as I had been with him. The months passed without the thought of being in love with JJ. I hadn't thought of him as anything but a friend, which I knew would break his heart if he knew about that but it was fair game. It's whatever my heart wanted. My heart wanted the father of my child, but also the man that wanted me for me. Not for anything materialistic or even just to have a girlfriend. Rafe talked about marriage. I knew JJ didn't and wouldn't want to be committed to anyone even if he stated that he did once he was older — it just wasn't for me.
5:30 pm.
Boxes flooded in the middle of the townhouse that Rafe and I had settled in. Christmas music echoed through the home as we had been unpacking the large boxes and organizing. I had moved a majority of my possessions into the townhouse out of my parents' large estate that sat beside Rafe's old home before he moved out. A week before, we had picked out a beautiful Christmas tree to feel more like a family and home for another. We decorated the six foot tree with white and gold bulbs, along with some other decorative bulbs that were different from the normal. Rafe put white lights around the tree and on the outside of the house. He helped me decorate around the house in simplicity. He didn't mind the decorations being around the house and did whatever he could to take some of the sadness away from my mindset.
Rafe pulled clothing out of boxes and looked over at me to ask a question. Smiling at him, I took a sip of warm tea before setting it back down on the wooden coaster on the table. "My love, where do you want all of your clothes to go?" He asked me in his raspy voice that made my stomach form multiple small butterflies. "Just in the closet, I can hang them up so you don't have to." I told him and stood up from the couch, stopping the unpacking of a box that included a bunch of my bathroom products. "No, no it's okay baby. I'll do it for you." He told me and kissed the top of my forehead. He brushed his hand down my cheek, making contact with my eyes that fluttered whenever I looked up at him. "Thank you baby." I told him in response and stared into his bright blue eyes that I hoped our child would have over my green-blue tint eyes. "No problem." He replied and took his hand away from my cheek. He walked back to the box where my clothes had been in, squatting to pick it up and drag it into the bedroom that we shared.
Watching his tall and muscular body carry the box into the room, I smiled watching my sweet boyfriend do as much as he could for me. I turned myself around and headed into the kitchen that was closest to the living room. Listening to the soft Christmas music brought my mood up as I opened the fridge door in order to make dinner for the man that did so much for me. I did as much as I could to reciprocate my love for him, which was baking him goodies or even buying him little things. His favorite was the days that I would bake him fresh cookies. The cookies that my mother had made when I was growing up. One of the recipes being a chocolate chip cookie that included pecans and coconut flakes. The cookies sat on the kitchen counter for anyone to grab when they were hungry, making the house smell like fresh cookies. Looking at the open fridge door, I grabbed a hold of fresh ingredients to make dinner that was well deserved after a long day of doing things. Chicken, green beans, zucchini, potatoes. I sat the ingredients on the kitchen counter before heading into the pantry to grab brown rice that would be on the side of the dish. The small bump on my stomach started to get in the way of daily tasks, not too much but enough to be productive in the way that I wanted to be.
I had still been surfing almost everyday and working out throughout the week with my boyfriend. Rafe was much more fit than I was, but he also wasn't carrying a baby that started to hurt his back or make everything grow. My breasts had grown much larger than I expected, especially because I had less than an A cup — and now I was fully an A cup. My stomach started to swell more due to the growth of the baby, but I knew with how big my boyfriend was, and how small I was compared to him, I knew that our baby was more than likely going to be huge. I had gained weight due to me having to feed two, but also because of the growth of the sweet baby I was overly excited to have. It was an immense amount of changes that I didn't think I would have so soon, but it was exciting and worth every moment. My bare feet sat against the wooden floor that was heated. I stood in the kitchen, pulling out the cutting board from under the cupboard of the island. I placed the cutting board on the island and walked over to the knives that were placed into a small wooden holder.
Yawning from tiredness, I walked back over to the cutting board with a large cutting knife in my hand. I laid the knife onto the board and squatted once again underneath the island to grasp onto a pair of wooden bowls so that I could place the veggies and meat into two different places. I threw the veggies into a larger bowl and headed over to the sink, washing the fresh produce with warm water. The veggies sat in the bowl with small water droplets hanging onto them. I walked back over to the island and sat the veggies down, placing the zucchini onto the cutting board first. I chopped the zucchini in thin slices and threw them back into the bowl where the other veggies had been. I then cut up three potatoes into multiple chunks, whatever wasn't used would just be repurposed into a delicious salad or even in an omelet. The green beans were scored at the ends and thrown into the bowl where they would later be seasoned with salt and pepper, veggie rub, and Cajun seasonings because veggies hadn't been too appetizing to me now that I was pregnant — however, fruit was different for me.
I snacked on fruit all day long. It was such an odd craving to have, but it made me think that the baby really liked fruit just as much as their mommy did. I had stocked up on fruits like cantaloupe, blueberries, raspberries, blackberries, watermelon, strawberries, papaya, mango, and the list went on. My mother's cravings while she was pregnant with me were fruit. Other cravings like sushi, which I couldn't even enjoy because raw fish was a no to pregnant women — meaning Rafe resorted to cooking salmon that was safer for pregnant women just to fulfill my satisfaction with seafood. Cutting the raw chicken, I cut them into strips and placed them inside of the bowl that they were in before to season them. Once I finished cutting the chicken, I walked over to the kitchen cupboard and grasped a hold of seasoning that was for poultry. I dumped a small amount of seasoning onto the strips and rubbed the seasoning into the chicken with the tips of my fingers. Hearing footsteps on the hardwood floor, I glanced up to see Rafe walking towards me with a small grin across his face.
"Mhm, what smells so good?" He asked me while he came up behind me. He wrapped his muscular arms around my stomach, placing his hands upon me which caused butterflies to form in the pit of my stomach. Goosebumps laid along my skin. "Just getting dinner started." I smiled and felt him place his head into the crook of my neck. He moved my hair away from my neck and placed a small kiss on my neck. "You're the best cook." He mentioned it to me and kissed me once again, making me form even more goosebumps against my skin. I couldn't help but to feel it knowing that he was the sexiest man alive. He had the most perfect grin that was almost mischievous in a way. He was stunning. He pulled away from me as I went to the stove where I placed a skillet pan on, heating up with a small amount of avocado oil to make sure that the chicken wouldn't burn once I placed it onto the pan. Rafe leaned against the kitchen counter, pulling his shirt up towards his mouth. His defined abs stood out as he wiped his mouth on the part of his shirt that he held up. I couldn't help but to stare at the abs that were prominent. "I wish I had abs like that." I laughed at him as I started to place pieces of chicken onto the pan. Once I finished placing the pieces onto the pan, I walked over to the sink and washed my hands thoroughly.
He shook his head at me and laughed. He pushed his stomach out to form a small bump full of air in order to make me feel better about myself. I couldn't contain my laughter, knowing that all he wanted in life was to make me happy. I shook my head at him while the sizzling of the meat came from behind me. "You're so cute." I told him as I went to grab a pot out of the cupboard. I repeated the steps like I had done for the chicken, but this time, poured my veggies into the pan to cook. "You need to realize how beautiful you are the way that you are. You're creating life inside of your little body." He explained to me and sat his bottom against the counter. He dangled his feet above the wooden floor. "I know, I know." I told him and smiled at his compliments he had towards me. I stirred the veggies that were cooking in the pot, and then flipped the chicken on certain sides to cook it properly. "Can you start the rice for me, my love?" I asked him and glanced over my shoulder to see him taking photos of me cooking.
He smiled once he realized I had caught him, but it was too cute to be mad at. I didn't really like photos being taken of me but I loved him more than anything, so I didn't mind. "Yes ma'am." He told me and hopped off of the counter to get the rice ready for me to cook. Silence formed around us besides the music that still played alongside the sizzling of the food cooking. Rafe ran the rice under water to clean it multiple times before cooking, just to make sure that the rice would cook properly. He glanced at me every once in a while to check on me. He poured hot water into a pot and moved over beside me to place the pot on the stove. He turned on the burner to the pot, allowing the water to heat up. "So any news on the baby shower?" He asked gently as I kept stirring the vegetables that were starting to smell perfect from the seasonings that were used. "Just that Ada wants to make sure that we have a good baby shower. I want us to know the gender beforehand." I told him and smiled to myself.
Ada was one of the volleyball girls that I trained and coached for the entire season. She was a dirty blonde girl with bright green eyes that were so full of life and energy. She was persistent that she and a couple of other girls from the team put together a beautiful baby shower since my friends couldn't. She was a kind hearted girl that just wanted to give back to me for the time that I had coached her in her best season. "Who are all of these girls?" He asked and narrowed his eyebrows while he poured the clean rice into the hot water. He went to the fridge to grab a cold tea from the second shelf, turning himself back around to see me still cooking. "You've seen them before when you came into practice that one day. They all told me that I did good to get a guy like you, and that they approved." I let a small bit of laughter fall from my mouth as I kept stirring the veggies and occasionally checking on the chicken that was cooking. "Oh, really? I'm sure that they wouldn't have liked me if I was the way I was before I met you." He told me with a smirk coming upon his tan face. He kissed my cheek while I stared down at the meal I was cooking for him.
"You were a good man, even before I met you." I told him. He was such a good person now, he was struggling like everyone else does. For the longest time, he believed that he was the only one that had issues in this world. "You still remember the time that we met?" He reminded me as I glanced up to look at him for a split second before I would grasp plates to serve him dinner. Smiling to myself, I had remembered that night too well. It was such an incredible night with his family, talking. Even though I didn't talk to him much, I received Sarah as a friend out of it. I missed Sarah and Kiara most of all. They were so fun to be around, and I loved them more than anything. I was so overly thrilled that they would become aunts, but now that they were gone, I still wanted to name the baby the names that they came up with on John B's boat, the night that we celebrated my job placement. "I do." I told him with sweetness and turned my back on him to open a cupboard that held our white plates inside of. I grabbed two plates and shut the cupboard door, going back over to where the food was. "What did you think of me?" I asked him and smirked to myself while serving his plate first.
Placing his food away from another, I walked towards the table with his plate in my hands. I sat the plate on the table and pulled his chair out for him. "I thought you were the most beautiful girl in the world." He commented and picked silverware out from the drawer. "Oh, you did? You gave me a dirty look when I walked into your house." I laughed at him and served myself with a smaller portion. Rafe shook his head and sat the silverware at the table. He then walked into the living room to grab my tea that sat on the table, carrying it back into the kitchen to place it at the dinner table. "You don't know the backstory of why I was in such a bad mood." He told me and sat down at the table. He had waited for me to sit down beside him. "Tell me, baby." I smiled at him and sat myself at the wooden table that was put together by the both of us. Rafe picked his fork up, taking small pieces of the food and placing them into his mouth. I picked at the food that I had made before doing the same as he did. "I was high on drugs and my dad found out, he shoved me against my bedroom wall which is why you never went into that room." He commented to explain why he was in such a bad mood the night I had officially met him.
I placed my hand against my cheek while eating my food and taking in what he was explaining to me. It broke my heart when he would tell me what his life was like — especially his home life. The thing about Rafe is, I loved listening to his raspy voice speak. It didn't matter where or when. I loved hearing him talk. I loved seeing him be fired up about certain things whether it was a sports game, surfing, or even about a book he was reading. He always had his good moments, and his off days where all he wanted was silence and just to have a conversation about how he was feeling. "So you were high when you thought I was the most beautiful girl in the world?" I asked him and raised an eyebrow to move the conversation into a lighter one. He had certain days where he would reflect on who his past self was, which made me sad for him, but it made him heal being able to talk about things that happened in his past. "I was but that never changed my opinion on how beautiful you truly are, Isla." He told me and placed his hand against my thigh with gentleness. Goosebumps ran across my thighs and up to my stomach, forming butterflies.
He was everything and more.
My face started to heat up as his blue eyes stared and admired my face. Cheeks turned a light blush color. "That night of your birthday broke my heart, I just wanted to be with you. I didn't even know you much but I wanted to be with you." He spoke to me even more before taking another bite of the meal that I cooked for him. My heart yearned for him. His soft words made me feel weak, falling for him more and more throughout the moments I had with him. "I was sad too." I reminded him and sat a hand on his own that was against my thigh. I rubbed small circles across his hand and nodded at him, making eye contact with the handsome blue eyed boy that I had. He narrowed his eyebrows. "You were?" He asked me and tilted his head off to the side slightly. I nodded my head at him and chewed my food before answering him. "I was but you made it up to me." I smiled at him with gentleness to lighten the mood once again. He nodded his head and continued to eat the food I prepared for him. "How's the food baby?" I asked him to change the topic and get away from saddened times that were a huge struggle for him to accept and forgive himself.
He nodded his head once again. "Really good. Thank you, baby." He smiled at me while he kept his hand against my thigh. Tucking a strand of hair behind my ear, I then picked up my mug that had warm green tea inside of it. Everything around us had been silenced besides the Christmas music they played. A knock came from the door that made me narrow my eyebrows because we weren't expecting anyone. Rafe glanced towards me and sat his fork down. "Let me go get the door. Did you order anything?" He asked and started to walk out of the kitchen. He glanced back once again as I shook my head and stood up from the table to follow him out of pure nosiness. His muscular body walked towards the door. His hair sat messily on his head after he ran his hands through them, not really doing his hair. His hand grasped the door knob and pulled the door open. I looked around the corner to see two people alongside a little girl. At that moment, I realized that it was my mom, dad, and Kaia that had shown up as a surprise. Rafe's eyes brightened as he took my mother and father into a hug, then hugging Kaia. Coming out from behind the wall, I walked towards my parents and little sister that I missed living with.
"Hi, my baby girl!" My blue eyed mother spoke with excitement as she came inside the house while Rafe held my little sister in his muscular arms. My mom opened her arms, taking me inside of them with a genuine hug. "Hi momma." I responded to her as she hugged me with gentleness. The bump that formed on my stomach started to get in the way of hugs, which made it uncomfortable at certain points. "How is my beautiful girl?" She asked and pulled away from the hug. Her bright eyes were full of happiness. She had worn a large flannel that belonged to my father with a pair of dark denim jeans. Alongside her jeans, she wore a cute pair of loafers that matched her flannel. Her blonde hair was placed into a lower bun, some of her hair was pulled out to look messy. "I'm good, how are you?" I asked her and smiled before my father came up behind her. He took me into a side hug that was much more comfortable than a full hug. "Hi sweetheart." He spoke and kissed the top of my head. Smiling as I laid my head on his shoulder. Rafe shut the door behind him and walked over to us while Kaia sat on his hip. "Look at that cute pregnant belly." My mom commented as she looked down at the belly that showed slightly from the large crewneck I had been wearing that belonged to Rafe. She laid her hand on top of the bump with gentleness.
She smiled and looked back up at me. "When do you go to see what the gender is?" She asked and glanced at my father and then at Rafe. Rafe sat Kaia down, she came over towards me and wrapped her long arms around my lower waist. "We find out tomorrow and then everyone else will find out in another week." I smiled and hugged Kaia back with tenderness and love. She was such a sweet girl. She always wanted to be around Rafe and I — even though she missed JJ too. She had missed him so much that sometimes she would head into his room that sat in my parents house. She would stare at all his belongings almost like she hoped that he would randomly appear. The days that my mother would drop her off at my house with Rafe, she would ask to see my stomach in order to see the baby move around, which wasn't very often but the baby started to move around much more than before. "Izzy, can I see the baby?" She asked me and looked up with her eyebrows narrowing. I smiled and nodded my head at the sweet brown haired girl. Her hair was much lighter from the sun that formed natural highlights.
"Let me go sit down with mom and dad and then you can look." I told her as I glanced up at my parents and started to walk towards the living room that was decorated with Christmas decor. Kaia trailed behind us with my parents, excitement formed across her face. "Do you want me to put your food up in the microwave to keep warm?" Rafe asked me as I sat down on the comfortable couch that was easy for me to sit on. I nodded my head at him and smiled, seeing my father walk into the kitchen to talk to Rafe. Rafe took my plate from the table and sat it into the microwave. Kaia sat beside me, impatient as she wanted to see the movement of the baby. I wasn't sure if that baby was going to move around because it wasn't a full guarantee but I loved seeing it happen. The first time that Rafe saw the movement was a week ago. His mouth dropped in shock with excitement, he had been unable to even look away from the belly. According to our doctor, it was believed that the baby wouldn't be as huge as we thought it would be. "Guess who's moving?" I told Kaia and pulled up a small portion of the jacket I had been wearing, just enough to show the bump. I sat criss cross on the comfortable couch, my mom sitting across from me in a lounge chair. Kaia opened her eyes wide in excitement.
My mom watched with the purest blue eyes. My father sat in the kitchen with Rafe, talking to him about business ideas that he came up with after his multiple business meetings that happened recently. Kaia placed her small hands on my stomach with gentleness. "The baby touched me!" She smiled in excitement that made my father and boyfriend turn around to glance into the direction of us. "I know. I feel the baby all the time, isn't that so weird?" I told her and laughed at her comment that she made. She was so pure when it came to certain things. I had wished she would stay young forever. I had remembered the day that she was born, and I knew she would remember whenever her niece or nephew would be born. "What gender do you think the baby will be, Ky?" My mom asked her youngest daughter that was a spitting image of herself. Kaia looked at my mom with her doe shaped eyes. She narrowed her eyebrows like she was thinking intently about what she wanted to say. "I think the baby will be a girl. So then I can play with her." She spoke and smiled her sweet dimpled smile.
I nodded my head at her in response. "I think it will be a boy, personally." My mother spoke as she crossed her right leg over her left and propped her hands on her small kneecap. "Speaking of the baby, do you need help with the baby shower or anything? Maybe even the nursery?" My mother asked and stared at me while I looked down at the baby moving around in my stomach. I looked up as I placed my hand against my stomach. "I can give you Ada's number. Her, Mae, and Caroline are all the planners but the rest of the Volleyball team are helping them out too." I responded to her with a soft smile forming on my face. She nodded her head and smiled. My mother was such a beautiful woman. She could be harsh at times, but she was overall loving and caring about her kids and my father. She sometimes didn't think when she would speak, but then would later apologize after she had time to think about what she said. I received my personality from her except for that trait. "Okay, perfect! I'm so happy for you, baby girl." She told me in an excited tone formed inside of her voice.
Smiling back at my mother, I realized how much I was just like her and my father which made me wonder how much personality my baby would have like me or their father. It was beautiful to think about. The idea of being pregnant wasn't all bad after I finally allowed it to set in. As much as I was so incredibly angry and upset that I didn't wait till marriage and let the best of me go, I received an amazing boyfriend and child out of it. It made me realize how much more there is to life and how grateful I should always be for the things I got. I had also realized how many things happened for a reason.
There was something in me that believed JJ and I needed this time apart to no longer exist in a different relationship outside of our friendship. Even though I thought about him quite frequently, I didn't seek him outside of that friendship we had. I was in love indefinitely with Rafe and I didn't think anything could ever change that.
I hoped that JJ and the rest of my friend group were still alive. I hoped that they would be found and taken care of. Nonetheless, I hoped that later in life, JJ would find the love of his life that would later on become his wife and mother of his sweet children.
As much as I missed him, we would never work out.