[2021]
"I just want to know where she is, Tai. I just need to know," Van said in a pleading voice.
Cold sweat formed in her temple while strands of her red hair stuck to her face. Her body was shaking from having another panic attack that woke her up from sleep, and she couldn't help but grip her own shirt tightly with her fist and let the other one hold her wife's hand.
"She's gone, Van. It's been more than two decades. You need to let her go." Taissa responded in a calm, comforting voice.
Some of their nights were like this. Van wakes up from a nightmare and looks for her out of nowhere. When the morning came, it was as if nothing had happened and everything was normal. Taissa accepted this a long time ago. She knows, and they both know, that there will always be episodes like this for the both of them, and there's nothing they can do about it no matter how many therapies they do.
"It's not your fault," Taissa whispered.
"No... Why would they never tell us? I just need to... see her. I just..."
The red-haired woman lost her voice little by little as she sounded more tired, word after word. In just a few seconds, Taissa can feel the woman's heavy breaths once again, indicating that her wife is finally back to sleep.
She carefully put another pillow on Van's head and covered her with a blanket, wiping her wife's sweat and tears on her face and tucking the loose strands of red hair on the woman's face behind her ear.
Taissa closed her eyes, trying to remember their friend's face and how her voice sounded, only to feel broken as they were now all blurry.
***
[1996]
"Buzz, buzz, buzz!"
"Buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz!"
"BUZZ!"
The loud cheers from yesterday's victory for the Yellowjackets can still be heard from the corridors of their school. Students of Wiskayok High School were all hyped up and cheering for the girl's soccer team, and they obviously wouldn't stop until the girls left to go to the nationals, which is not until tomorrow.
Agami started to pack her things the moment their school bell rang. She was even shoved by her classmates and almost fell down from where she was standing, as they were so excited to leave the room that some of her things landed on the floor.
"Assholes," she whispered.
As she was picking them up, an announcement was suddenly heard from the speaker in their classroom.
"Calling the attention of Agami Dickinson, please proceed to the Guardian's office. I repeat, calling the attention of Agami Dickinson, please proceed to the Guardian's office. Thank you."
The only thing that registered with her was confusion. Their club doesn't have a meeting until Friday, and she was also certain that she finished all the work that needed to be done yesterday. She simply shrugged all her thoughts off and waited to know the reason why she was being summoned to the office when she got there.
When she left their classroom and started to walk in the corridor, she came across a familiar face. The moment their eyes made contact with each other, the girl smirked at her as she spoke.
"Someone's in trouble," said the girl.
"I'm not like you, Scat. I don't do trouble," Agami responded to the girl as she raised her right hand for a quick high five, which Natalie accepted.
"One day we will bring out the rebel in you, Agami," Natalie replied.
"You can only try," said Agami.
"Did you make me appear like a badass when you write about our victory yesterday?" Natalie asked, trying to open another topic.
"Oh, I made sure you were less pathetic with yesterday's game," Agami teased the woman.
Her sight then caught the traveling bag that Natalie was holding.
"Practice?" she asked her, pointing at the girl's bag. Natalie nods her head.
"After the pep rally, yeah. These are my dirty jerseys and shirts piled up in my locker-see?" said the woman with bleached hair, unzipping the bag she was holding and a nasty odor escaping from it.
"Jesus Christ, Scat. That smell will be stuck in my nose for the next few minutes," she told Natalie, who was laughing at the stunt she just pulled.
"Just as I planned."
"Well, good luck for today. Go home after that, you piece of shit. Do your laundry," she told Natalie, holding the woman on both of her shoulders and pushing her lightly.
Natalie is now walking away from her, but she can still hear the girl's laugh. Agami could only shake her head from the scene and go back to her own business. Natalie was one of the easiest people to talk to, in Agami's opinion. Well, most of the time they talk, the woman is either drunk or high, but still, when it comes to the attitude or vibe, compared to her other schoolmates, Natalie is cool.
When Agami arrived in the office, she didn't bother knocking and simply entered the room. The Guardians' office is cramped, which is why the members of their club rarely even go there and just do their work in the library.
"Mrs. Alpert? You called for me?" she asked the teacher, who was busy writing something and didn't even notice her arrival. The old woman glanced up and smiled at Agami, which was her usual gesture of greeting everyone.
"Yes, dear. I've been informed by the school principal that they want us to document the girls soccer team's journey in the nationals. At least a member of our club should go with them," explained the club adviser.
"And you want me to go with them?" asked Agami, confused.
"I believe that's why you're here," replied Mrs. Alpert in an obvious tone.
"Why not McLeign? He's our sports writer. I just sub for him yesterday," she asked.
"Oh, dear. I wouldn't trust that idiot with our camera, let alone leave him out there unsupervised for a few days," said Mrs. Alpert, shaking her head as she could not imagine the boy fooling around instead of documenting one of their school's big achievements.
"Besides, the girls will be more comfortable with you. You know all of them, right?" the adviser asked once again.
"Some." Agami corrected the old woman before saying more. "I'm acquainted with the number of girls on that team since we've followed and covered their games for the last three years."
"Then there's no need to argue here. Pack your things for a few days and go with them. Your transportation will not be a problem anyway. I heard one of those girls' families will provide the plane while your accommodation will be shouldered by the school," Mrs. Alpert told her.
"Awesome," Agami commented.
"I know this is too much of a hassle for you given that tomorrow is your flight, but if those girls win the nationals, I will let you write the whole section for our school newspaper and not just an article. That could be a good addition to your college resume, Agami."
The girl remained silent after hearing that. It's true. She knows she's lacking good credentials, and what their adviser just said could save her college resume. And aside from that, she'll be there. Maybe she can finally talk to her and express her gratitude.
It only took her a few seconds to accept the offer. There's nothing much to think about anyway. Everything that'll come up when she joins them on that trip and the things she could do after going with them are all a favor to her.
"Very well, I'll draft your excuse letter for your subjects," said Mrs. Alpert, pausing for a while as she searched for something on her table.
"Have your parents sign this for you, then drop it off here tomorrow when you get the camera before you go to the airport."
Agami left the office immediately after that. She was at the back of the school and unchaining her bicycle from the parking rack when a ball came flying in her direction and hit the post just a few inches away from her face.
She can't help but open her mouth about what just happened and think about how big the swelling would be in her head if she were hit by it.
"Whoops!" said the girl who was approaching her, an apologetic expression visible on her face.
"Sorry," she added, a hand over her chest that slightly covered the number of her uniform. Number 2.
"What the hell was that!?" Agami can't help but yell out of panic.
Laura Lee scratched the back of her head as she responded. "We're having drills, and Taissa kicked it too hard because she was pissed about something. Unfortunately, the ball went in this direction. I'm really sorry about that."
"Tell her I'm kicking her in the shin," Agami replied, peeking over Laura Lee's shoulder to look at the field, only to see the girl who kicked the ball making a heart sign using both of her arms and hands on the crown of her head.
As a response, Agami flipped her middle finger to the woman.
"You didn't attend church last Sunday," asked Laura Lee, which made Agami lower her hand and felt a slight embarrassment.
There is only one church in Wiskayok, and only a few members of it. With her family as members of the Catholic Church, just as Laura Lee's, they often see each other when attending Sunday mass. Although, unlike the girl, their family isn't that active and only attends mass if they've got nothing better to do, as they were not that religious in the first place.
"Cramps, really bad cramps." She lied badly, but the girl still believes her.
While Agami went back to unchaining her bike, the girl spoke again. "Hold on."
"Yeah?"
"So, there's a party tonight as a send-off to our team for tomorrow's nationals. It'll be more fun if you come," the girl in the soccer uniform responded.
"How is it that me joining some lame party and drinking booze with a bunch of people I don't give a fuck will make that more fun?" Agami asked, sarcasm in her tone.
"Come on, Agami. We've never been to a party together."
"It's because I don't do parties, Lee."
"Please?"
"Hard pass."
When Agami finally removed the lock of her bicycle, she immediately rode and started to pedal, leaving the other girl sulking.
"I'll see you tomorrow!" she yelled and started to pedal much faster, ignoring the girl screaming, "what?" behind her.
Agami did not exactly go home after that. Her next stop was the Movie Gallery to return the VHS tapes she rented last week. As much as she loves to hang out there alone and check out the weekly new movies, she didn't stay there longer.
Her father was expecting her to go to the pharmacy to cover for him for a few hours since he has to finish some paperwork, and it's not like she can decline such an order from the person who was feeding her. Besides, Agami enjoys learning how to read doctors' writing.
"Dad! Do you have any food here? I'm starving," she asked her father before he could enter the back room of the pharmacy. Her father didn't say a word and just tossed her some BBQ Fritos.
Agami uses her walkman to pass some time and continues to read the only book she has in her bag, Journey to the Centre of the Earth. She was lucky enough to not be disturbed by anyone buying anything in the pharmacy for five consecutive chapters.
"Excuse me," said a man who's probably in his 40s, sliding a paper on the counter gently.
"Give me a minute," she replied.
When Agami was unlucky to not be able to "decode" the prescription, she immediately asked for his father's assistance and let him read it. Upon hearing, she nods in understanding.
"Just one mat. Its box is on the top left corner of the new rack."
Agami went back to the counter, where she decided to prepare the man's purchase. But what caught her peripheral vision made her stop moving. Someone's waiting for the man inside his car, and it's a person she knows really well, even though the girl doesn't talk to her. She seems quiet and in a state of deep thought.
She immediately handed the man the medicine before he could even notice her staring at his daughter because the last thing Agami wants to be accused of is being a creep. The man paid in cash and left without saying a word.
Agami looked back at where her father was working, still busy and occupied by the papers in front of him. Seeing that, she shoved the remaining mats of the same medicine from the box that the man purchased into the secret pocket of her bag and continued from where she left off before the man disturbed her reading as if she didn't just commit something illegal.
The earlier mix of pink and orange skies soon turned dark. Agami and her father went home as soon as the woman who would take the night shift at the pharmacy arrived. She was still riding her bicycle while her father was simply following from behind, giving her a nice light while she pedaled.
"Dad," she called out to him the moment they entered the house.
"What is it?"
"I need you to sign this."
Her father gave her a questioning look, and she took it as a sign to explain more of what it was about.
"You probably heard that our girls soccer team is going to the nationals tomorrow, right? It turns out the school will also send a member of the newspaper club to cover everything, and the club adviser chose me to go with them."
Mr. Dickinson remained quiet for a few seconds before he responded. "They could have informed us a few more days before today to prepare some money for the plane ticket."
Agami waved her hand and replied. "They just won yesterday and the school probably just decided about this thing in the morning. Besides, everything will be handled by them. I just need some pocket money and for you to drive me tomorrow morning to the airport."
They exchanged looks, with her father squinting his eyes and Agami doing the same for a minute straight. Mr. Dickinson reached for the pen in his pants and signed the letter. Agami laughed with success.
"Thanks!" she yelled, sprinting to her room.
She was welcomed by the not-so-pleasant smell and appearance of her room. Her untidy table, vinyl records scattered on the ground, her foot just stepping on some crumpled papers from her failed sketches, and the pile of dirty clothes sitting in the corner of her bed were such a sight. Agami could only run her hand on her own face in frustration.
"It looks like Scat is not the only one who needs to do her laundry," she sighed, collecting a few sets of clothes from the pile that she was planning to bring and tossing them in the washing machine.
She found her old suitcase under the bed. Agami packed some jackets and pajamas, a couple of sweaters and shirts she usually wears with them, pants and socks, a few pairs of underwear, and of course her favorite beret. She did pack the most clean sneakers she got on the rack as well, because Agami is sure that she will run or move a lot to capture some great pictures of the girls in the field.
The woman got her school bags, flipped them upside down, which caused all her school stuff to fall, and just kicked them under the bed to not get in her way. She throws her walkman and her extra batteries, as well as her music cassettes of Bowie, ABBA, Queen, and some Radiohead, since she knows the flight and waiting before the game starts will be boring.
Agami opened one of her drawers, and there she found her stash of food. She's got a thing for sweets. A day wouldn't pass without her eating something sweet or drinking something chocolate, and she knows that hotel charges are pretty expensive if you get these kinds of stuff from them, so she just poured them all in the bag.
The last thing she puts in her backpack are her personal hygiene stuff and random things she knows she will not use out there, like her goddamn sketchpad, but since she already thought about it, she won't be able to sleep until they are in the bag as well. Agami is that problematic.
The night passed by in a blink of an eye. The next thing she saw when she opened her eyes was the ray of light coming from the morning sun that went through the small gaps of her window blinds and her alarm ringing. She had a quick shower and breakfast before they left to go to the school and get the camera.
"Please don't play with this thing. This is a new camera, Dickinson. It's not a toy," the club adviser reminded her as she handed her the bag.
"You have my word, Mrs. Alpert. I'll guard this camera with my life," Agami replied, hiding her laugh.
"There are extra films in the bag as well. Take some good shots of those girls, and most of all, have fun," the old woman said, offering her a smile, which Agami reciprocated.
"I will. Thanks."
After giving her letter to Mrs. Alpert and getting the camera, Agami didn't waste any time and went back to the car where her father was waiting.
"C'mon! You're gonna be late!"
Thankfully, there was no traffic, and it only took a few more minutes before they reached the airport where the said private plane was. Agami moved at a faster pace because of both not wanting to be late and adrenaline.
It was her father who got her suitcase from the trunk, and she used that little time to double-check everything. Realizing that she's all packed and complete, Agami finally gets out of the car.
"Try to make a quick call once you land or arrive at the hotel you're staying at," said Mr. Dickinson, pushing the suitcase in Agami's direction.
"I sure will, Dad. Take care while I'm away."
She waved her father goodbye and entered the airport by herself, asking some employees about the private plane they were told would fly them and a woman walking her to where it was saying the others were already there like a minute ago.
When she reached the plane, she heard the voice of a man, probably the younger coach of Yellowjackets, speaking loudly.
"Everybody, please settle down. Once the last person arrives, we're leaving immediately."
Agami felt slightly embarrassed for being late, but she couldn't help herself earlier and took a massive dump.
"Is the mascot coming with us, coach Ben?" she heard one of the members ask while the other laughed in response.
"No, Van. A member of your school newspaper club was added to the list just yesterday and will go with us," he responded.
"Who?" she heard another one of them ask.
It's already embarrassing enough that she's late, so Agami didn't waste her time and just went inside. The coach seemed to notice her arrival and spoke.
"There you are. Go find yourself a seat."
Agami let herself be amazed for a while at how spacious the private plane was for just a few of them before looking at everyone.
"Agami!" squealed Laura Lee.
"Oh, shit, Dick? Sit beside me," she heard Natalie say. She rolled her eyes playfully at the girl.
"Hey, everyone," she greeted all of them.
And since all the girls were sitting now, an idea struck her before she went to sit with Nat. Agami gets the camera out of the bag and turns it on, smiling at everyone.
The whole team seems to get a hold of the situation and prepare themselves, all excited for the first shot.
"Alright ladies, say we're going to the nationals!" she told everyone.
They all screamed as she pushed the shutter button of the camera for their first picture of a pleasant journey to the nationals that will surely be remembered as one of the happiest moments in their lives-
"WE'RE GOING TO THE NATIONALS!"
or not.
____________________
Maya Hawke as Agami Dickinson