It didn't take long for Kim to reach the house, he knew well, and to find Porchay at the same place, under the window, terrified. He had never seen guns this close before, he had never been this close to death, or he might have been, he thought, seeing Kim coming.
"Chay...you're okay?" Kim asked, kneeling in front of him.
Porchay nodded. He nodded quietly, more tears coming from his eyes.
The violence never felt violent for the mafia boy who was raised for this, it was his education. He was witnessing how danger, how guns, how killing could break the softness of someone's pupils, making it shake and drown. He had seen and ignored the ones of his enemies, he couldn't ignore those ones. It was piercing through his heart and his flesh was moving at the rhythm of the emotions dancing.
Kim wanted to crush him in his arms. He wanted to reassure the boy by the most skin to skin action. He needed to reach for him, and he didn't even think or analyse anything, he was, on the contrary of his everydays, living in the moment. Reluctant at the idea of hugging, his rejection too recent, Kim caressed his hair with a tenderness he was only recognizing and meeting with again the boy's gaze.
"You're okay Porchay. I am here." He said calmly and it worked.
Porchay had a hard time but he still leaned against that hand and let this touch soothe his panic. It felt like an obligation, he was the only one to know about it, the only one that could help him, and yet he had like that hand. He had missed it.
"W-what..." Porchay began, Kim's hand leaving his head. It felt empty now. "What can we do?"
"The main house already knows what happened...they will take care of it."
"They will?" Porchay sarcastically asked. "And what will we do?"
"Chay...we can't do anything..."
"We can't ?" Porchay stood up, feeling his heart torn up, his brother was outside in danger because of them and Kim didn't want to do anything. "What are you useful for then?"
Kim's face twitched. "You don't get it!" He stood up too.
"Then EXPLAIN to me!" Porchay screamed, his rage coming back. He was between his love and his hate, towards the same man he loved and couldn't stand now, still missing his warmth he tasted for a short time.
"That's a whole different level! Multiple men! It's not just a kidnapping! They are trained! You won't last five seconds!"
"Then go! Can't you go?"
"Me? Alone! There? You want me dead or what?" His voice became even louder.
"Yes! To save my Hia!" Porchay screamed out of control, not thinking.
Silence. Blank.
No words. Only their heavy breath.
Kim's face broke down. His eyes were down, like cat's ears, his mouth stayed upon. His heart clenched. Wishing upon his own death, to save someone else, using his own life to protect someone else's chest. The sword was deep into his guts, deep hurting and scratching his darkest emotions, bringing them above. He was meant to be alone, he was nothing important, just playing a game with his father. He always had felt unloved but this was another level. Even when Tankhun and Kinn were here, he always had felt lonely, and hard to believe that he could be loved, but they said it, this was another level. It slapped him, it already killed him. Porchay. How much Porchay meant to him was writing on his face, displayed like an object, not useful now. He would have cried if he hadn't been as strong as a rock, at least he tried. Kim wasn't sure about his emotions before, and now it felt weird that Porchay knew everything. He didn't know what it was but he could accept better that Porchay was special for his heart. He could. And now it was clear, it was a mirror showing his own state, it was love blooming.
Kim needed to have his heart shot to be able to live again, to feel his emotions, to face them and to realise. He fell for Porchay and now he was falling on the ground, love committing the crime to reach him when he thought that everything would be destroyed. His corpse only regretted having pushed away Porchay before, to not have talked, now even his tongue was cut.
Kim was devastated and not controlling his expression anymore.
"No..." Porchay whispered, his voice coming like a whimper. "I didn't...mean it..." He would never mean it. He loved Kim. As much as he punched him emotionally so violently, as much as he lied, love wasn't like wind, love wasn't to disappear in some minutes, after some words. Kim had that face, the worst he had ever seen from him. Pain. So much pain. He wasn't crying but it felt like this. He was frozen and Porchay was making his best to not be the coldest of them both, he needed to warm everything he needed, he deeply needed to just take back time and not say this, but he couldn't so he needed to find new words.
Porchay walked closer, slowly, he walked to Kim who only began to raise his head and stare at him. It was obvious that he was thinking, thinking and he might have been accepting it all. No signs of anger, no signs of anything, just the silence of someone who was thinking that he deserved it.
"P'Kim...I am sorry...I...really didn't mean it..." Porchay repeated, now just some inches from his body, Kim was still not moving, he was silent. The boy saw him gulping down, his eyes getting back their usual bored behaviour.
"It's okay..." He just nodded.
"No! It's not okay!" Porchay screamed, tears falling from his cheeks. "It's not!" He whispered, hiding his face in his own hands.
"Chay...I promise it's okay..." Kim repeated not moving. "It's just how it should be." Kim stated, the emotion of his voice dead.
"It shouldn't be!" Porchay snapped, tugging on Kim's jacket. "I didn't wish you to be dead! Please...I swear in my own head...I was just ...angry at you...and...I am worried for my Hia...I feel useless..." The last word ended like an echo, soft, far away and painful.
Kim got closer, he put his hand on Porchay's hair and caressed them softly. "Your...anger..."
Porchay raised his head, waiting for the next words. But Kim couldn't continue, he wanted to ask about it, he needed to know better if it was an emotional anger or a violent anger, if anything could be done for it to be soothed.
"P'Kim...did you ever love me?"
Kim lost it. His expression was showing how much this question pushed him on the edge. He had no idea of what to do, his instinct was telling him to hide and to lie, his broken state was screaming that he should acknowledge his emotions.
"I..." Kim said, sliding his hand on Porchay's cheek. "I don't know for sure...but I definitely...I am...not insensitive...to you..." He confessed, pink on his cheeks and an uncomfortable attitude which put Porchay himself into discomfort.
"So...was I imagining your tenderness towards me?" Porchay asked, he wanted more words, more proof.
"...no..."
"Was it planned?" Porchay continued, his own hand on Kim's one now.
"No...I had no idea...no idea...that someone could...make me smile like this..." And the softest of them all appeared and Porchay melted, more tears falling. "Are you okay Chay?"
"I just need one...one answer..." He whispered, closing his eyes. "Do you want to try? Together?"
Kim observed him for a few seconds. He was craving the boy, his touch, his voice, his emotions, he wanted to devour it all. It was so foreign and yet he wanted to jump into it and yet he was also terrified to not be able to do it.
"I don't know...how to do..."
"Great...because I also never had a boyfriend before." Porchay giggled, smiling through the tears, before his face turned into shock at the word he had said. "I am sorry I-"
"I would...like this..." Kim answered, hugging Porchay suddenly with a strong strength. And when those arms embraced him the youngest boy just melted and stopped crying, he felt a part of his worries falling down and disappearing. He felt the wounds being healed, even if the scars would always be there, it was closing itself just by the sensation of being wrapped in his whole love world. Kim felt at home, humanely at home, and it had been a long time since it happened.
-
"P'Kim...no news?" Porchay asked, snuggling against his chest on his own bed. Kim was checking the information on his phone.
"No...but they went there so they might have been able to get where they were..."
"We really can't...do anything..."
"No. If we could have, I would have been there already."
"Don't...please..." Porchay whined.
Kim kissed his forehead, he didn't even realise that he had made this. It just came naturally, protecting him, giving him comfort and Porchay had loved each second of those lips. "Chay...I am not the bestest at this but from the information I got...Porsche might be better protected than Kinn..."
"How? Isn't he the boss?"
"Yes...but when I said that Kinn wanted to fuck him." This time he laughed a small amount and Porchay liked this sound so much. "I think that more emotions might happen..."
"I hope..." Porchay pouted before yawning.
"Sleep Chay...I will wake you up if something is happening."
"But-"
"Chay." Kim repeated and Porchay hid himself closer in Kim's chest. It was really hard to relax or close his eyes but into this warm embrace, it was easier than being alone, all alone, his luck might not have been as cursed as he had thought.
-
Kim didn't sleep at all. He had his eyes on his screen, he had his mind everywhere but here. He had one hope, Porsche needed to be back safe and if he couldn't he didn't know how he would be able to stand next to Porchay. The small tiny one sleeping in his arms, making soft sounds of a soothed breathing was like a miracle. He had been a human Kim had loved without needing any information from him, it had begun like this, but it ended differently. He was someone he didn't want to hide things from, he was someone he could just look at for hours and most of all he was someone whose words meant more than everything. Kim had this feeling that he might disappear, he might just be out of sight because he was too good for himself. And it kept him awake, this and Porsche and the warmth spreading in him, Porchay cuddling with him. It was truly a blessing and a curse, his eyes wanted to close but he couldn't, not until Porsche and Kinn would be back. Not before. And in the morning, he still didn't sleep.
Porchay woke up abruptly, sitting down, scared, before looking around and not seeing Kim. He wasn't here, was it all a dream? He began to be worried and ran downstairs, his heart calming down when he saw him outside on the phone. He waited here a moment before his boyfriend turned around.
"Chay..."
He immediately walked to him and asked. "Did you sleep?"
Kim chuckled, kissing his forehead again. "I didn't but I have news."
"What?" He asked, his eyes reflecting terror and hope at the same time.
"They escaped from them, but still couldn't find them."
"Is...this good?"
"Better I guess...it means that we just need to find them before they do."
"And we wait..."
"I am sorry Chay."
"It's not your fault..." Porchay nodded, taking the boy's hand and moving upstairs again. He pushed Kim on the bed and took a stern expression which could at best make Kim giggle. "Now, sleep."
"I can't, I need to be awake."
"P'Kim. You sleep. I keep your phone and if there is a notification I will wake you up...I promise." Porchay said, convincing Kim who closed his eyes. It was weird and cold next to him but not for too long. "Don't worry, I slept enough." Porchay explained. "But I still want to be close to you..." He said, snuggling against Kim who tightened their hug.
Waiting together was emotionally calming them better than just going their separate ways.
News only came the next night. Kim hadn't left Porchay, he hadn't like he did the first time and it definitely strengthened the relationship they thought they would never have. Just eating together and waiting and cuddling and nothing more than forehead kisses.
And those mouths which had hurt each other deeply were the one to save them from the quietness of worries.
"They are back!" Kim said, satisfied.
Porchay ran cutely into his arms, letting go of the task he was doing in the house, it needed to be perfect for his Hia coming back.
"What do we do now?" Porchay raised his soft head.
Kim's mind went blank. He felt flustered that Porchay was trusting him enough to follow what might be the bestest for them.
However he had not a lot of options, either going back into the mansion and being honest or hiding everything that happened, knowing deeply that the second option looked like the one he couldn't afford anymore.