TITLE: If These Sheets Were The States
SUMMARY: Joe suffers from terrible Insomnia and Caspar is the only way he can sleep.
WORDS: 4,577
DISCLAIMER: I do not own Joe Sugg or Caspar Lee or Oli White, I do not own the song which the one-shot was inspired by and I do not personally know All Time Low. Chill.
WARNINGS: Insomnia, swearing, angst/comfort
RECOMMENDED BY: no one. I got this idea while listening to the song If These Sheets Were The States by All Time Low.
HOW TO RECOMMEND A ONE-SHOT: pm me (jennamarie45) or ask me on tumblr (jaspartrash.tumblr.com)
AUTHOR'S NOTE: jbfkjhesrkjguheslik first one-shot and i legit cried while writing some of it. i hope you like it bc I loooovvveeee it and am very proud of this writing.
EDITED: no
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It all started when Joe was 7, after his father and mother got a divorce.
His mother and father's nasty words that they flung at each other seemed to echo in his ear whenever he laid his head down on a pillow, causing him to get up and climb into his older sister's bed, who only did it because she knew how badly it affected Joe. Then, he couldn't find a comfortable sleeping position. He would curl up into his side, it would put discomfort on his stomach. He would lay out, spread like an eagle, his hips would hurt. He would lay like a pencil, his back would hurt. He would roll over on his tummy, and he would feel his ribs which made him shiver. No matter how hard he tried, he never was able to get into a comfortable position for sleep.
He went to his older sister to ask about it, but she just rolled her eyes.
"Joe, it's not that bad," Zoe said, leaning down and giving her younger brother a hug. "It'll be gone in no time."
And she was right, yet sort of wrong.
About a year or 11 months later of sleeping in a new uncomfortable position every night, Joe finally found this odd position where his legs were crooked and his arms were sprawled out where he could sleep. But then, he noticed how much he hated the dark. All he could think about was a fire happening, and him trying to save himself but he couldn't because of how dark the room was, causing him to perish a terrible death. He soon got over that one, though, because he learnt from his science teacher that fire had a sort of glow that could direct him to his bedroom window if it ever happened to him as he slept. He then thought of spirits, and how they could happily kill him in the dark because he wouldn't be able to see the wavering ghosts dead face as they cackled madly and drove a knife into his heart.
It drove him to nightmares, and sleeping in his sister's bed.
Zoe, being already 9 where Joe is only 8, started to kick him out of his bed, calling him a wimp for being scared of the dark. Joe was forced to go back to his bed, where he kept his lamp on and sat up, looking around his room paranoid for 5-8 hours, not being able to get any sleep.
Once his father found out, he told Zoe that she should comfort her brother when he needed it, and got Joe a nightlight. Zoe huffed, mumbling something about Joe being a big baby and about him being father's favorite, but he didn't care. All he could do was hug his dad and be grateful that no spirits, real or not real, could kill him in his sleep.
It helped for a while, until his comfortable position turned uncomfortable, and his nightmares stayed, which he had every night. By the time he was 13, Joe couldn't sleep properly and he felt like crying since his sister was popular in her grade and never seemed to be home anymore to tell him to get a hold of himself. He didn't have many friends, but had to always decline slumber parties at the time because he didn't want to wake up in the middle of the night crying over drowning in his dream, or crying over how dark it was at his mates house.
"Nah," he would tell a friend who invited him. "Wished I could but I have a thing. Grandma's dead."
He felt terrible, but it had to be done.
It stayed that that, but it just got worse and worse over time. He started staying up at night, trying to rock himself to sleep, but he was absolutely terrified of the demons that seemed to haunt his dreams. At age 15, he got a television in his room for getting straight A's one semester (only because he stayed up all night re-checking his homework since he didn't want to sleep,) so he stayed up all night watching Harry Potter & Star Wars marathons.
At age 17, his sister was totally famous at their school because of some account she made on this website called YouTube, and although she still talked to her brother, she was never there for him anymore when he had nightmares. Starting to feel silly, he started to hate himself for still being scared of the dark when he was almost in College. He was still struggling with nightmares, always waking up to an ache in his neck or leg, and got less than half an hour of sleep every day.
His father, worried for Joe's health, finally took him to the doctor who explained to Joe that he had something called Insomnia, and Joe finally understood why he couldn't sleep. It was all because of a Sleeping Disorder, and he hated it. He hated the way he felt as he slumped around all day, sleepy, but terrified of falling asleep at the same time. He just wished he could be at peace.
Fast forward to 19 years old, Joe is in training to become a Thatcher when Zoe asks him if he could do a 'tag' with her for her YouTube channel. After explaining to Joe what a tag was, and what the tag was about, she dragged him to the spot she planned on filming it, and they filmed it. He then started doing things whenever she asked to do them for her YouTube channel, and about a year or a couple months later, he decided to make his own channel. He was working as a Thatcher and doing YouTube, and he really enjoyed it.
His Insomnia was still terrible, and he was honestly starting to debate if he would ever have more than 1-3 hours of sleep at night.
Then, he met Caspar.
He had watched Caspar's YouTube videos, and honestly, he fancied Caspar even more then he thought he fancied Marcus Butler, another YouTuber. Zoe invited him to this big YouTube party, or something like that - Joe forgets the details, but he met Caspar and they instantly hit it off. They instantly became friends, and Joe was the first person Caspar went to when Zoe and Alfie decided to move in together.
Joe knew he fancied Caspar more than he normally should, but when Caspar and he were forced to share the same bed, for some reason, Joe didn't have trouble finding the wrong position, and he didn't have trouble sleeping. He actually slept so long, they almost were late for the tour of an apartment they were looking for.
When they moved in together, Joe never knew that a year or so later he'd be dating the South African; having no trouble sleeping because he knew Caspar would be there to protect him. He never told Caspar about his Insomnia, but he didn't think that he would need to because whenever they went to bed, Caspar would be there with him; arms locked around Joe's waist and Joe's head tucked into the South African's neck, two people becoming one.
Everything was fine.
They did YouTube, went on dates, had enough money for rent, and Joe knew that if nothing bad ever happened in the universe, he always had Caspar there to make it better. Until Caspar decided to make a movie and leave Joe in London for a month.
Joe was happy for his boyfriend, he was really proud, but he couldn't help but have a shed of selfishness in the back of his mind hoping that Caspar would stay here, holding Joe and helping him sleep. That didn't happen though, so Joe was now sitting up in his lonely bed, television on, staring at the desk-top of his laptop.
Caspar had left a week ago, and Joe has been a wreck since. Oli was usually around, but he slept in the living room; never noticing the bags under Joe's eyes or questioning why Joe was always awake. Joe appreciated it, though. He always felt if he told Caspar or Oli or Will, or even Zoe, that he had trouble sleeping he'd be a burden and he didn't want that. He didn't enjoy people worrying over him, even if it was the people who he loves most.
"I hate myself," Joe whispered quietly as he looked at the time. It was 5:30, so that meant it was about 2 hours or so until he was allowed to actually awake Oli. Staying up all night was boring, and Joe just wanted to sleep peacefully. Every time he tried though, the same thing happened; he had a nightmare or his back cried at how uncomfortable the position he was in was.
He had been editing videos, browsing through Tumblr, he even binged AmazingPhil, going through all his videos before he saw the 7 Second Challenge, seeing people in the comments leave comments about him being under appreciated, saying nobody ever gave Phil credit. He ended up searching the 7 Second Challenge, seeing that Phil didn't even come first and that not many people gave him credit for it. He even saw a video of Dan talking about how Phil wanted it to be his own thing that he did with other YouTubers on his channel. Then, for some odd reason, Joe ended up watching Phan videos for 2 hours until he realized that he knew the two in real life and exited out of it.
He knew a lot about Dan and Phil now, and knew that Phil deserved more credit than people gave him, and that Dan cared a lot about Phil. He also knew that he didn't care if they were in love or not; they were two halves of a whole.
Joe got up and stretched, rubbing his eyes. His energy was low, but for some reason it never seemed to run out. His limbs screamed for sleep, and his eyes were burning, but he tried his best to ignore it since Caspar wasn't there to hold him.
He walked to the living room, seeing the T.V on and Oli passed out, the remote control on the floor from where it had fallen. Joe simply rolled his eyes and walked over to his friend, taking a blanket and draping it over the male before picking up the remote and turning the T.V off. He then looked around, not really a hundred percent sure why he walked out here.
Joe then walked to the kitchen, opening the fridge and pouring himself a cold glass of milk. Having spent 20 or so years searching the internet for ways to trick himself into sleep, he read somewhere that drinking cold milk helped you pass out, but he's never tried it.
The 23 year old walked back to his room, drowning the cold milk down and praying to god that it would work. He laid down on his bed, setting the red solo cup on his floor and staring up at the ceiling; Harry Potter movies playing from his television and a dim light coming from his computer, until he finally fell asleep.
He slept uneasily, disgusting scenarios playing in his mind and his body rolling all over his bed for an hour until he woke up, feeling as if he didn't even get a blink of sleep. He just rolled over on his stomach, snatching his laptop and going on YouTube. He clicked on his boyfriend's account, scrolling through his videos. He clicked his 'MY NEW HOLLYWOOD HOUSE' video, smiling just to see Caspar's face again. He wished he could text Caspar, tell him how much he needed him at home, but he didn't. He couldn't have Caspar worrying about him too much that he needed to come home. He could wait a month. He's been dealing with this his whole life, he's lucky to even have Caspar.
Even if Joe thought of himself as a burden, he couldn't help but want Caspar's arms around his waist again; missing the days they took off to stay in bed, cuddling, watching T.V shows, and even fooling around a bit.
Joe sighed as he spent the rest of the time until 8 O'Clock, still watching YouTube videos. He shut his laptop and got up, stretching all of his limbs. Oli and him didn't have much to do today, but Joe needed to get out of the house badly. Maybe they'll go out for lunch and then just aimlessly walk around the malls for a bit. Oli might find that a little boring, but it's what Joe needed, especially since he can't seem to sleep.
Joe looked down at his bed sheets, which were now a tangled mess. I can make up my bed later, he thought to himself as he grabbed his laptop and set it on his desk before leaving the room and walking into the kitchen, flipping the lights on as he walked in. The sun was fully up now, but Oli was still in the same position Joe saw him in a couple hours ago, mouth slightly ajar and drool spilling from the sides of his mouth.
The older male just shook his head and started to cook breakfast for the two of them, wishing he brought his phone just in case Caspar called. Joe just bit his lip and got to work making scrambled eggs, toast, and sausage. Once the scrambled eggs were done and he spilt them in half on two plates and put the toast in the toaster, he walked back to his room to grab his phone, checking the messages as he went back to the kitchen, almost tripping up the stairs as he did so.
Caspar hadn't texted him a good morning like he usually did, so Joe just thought that he was still asleep.
"Oli!" he shouted as the toaster dinged, declaring that the toast was ready. He still had to make sausage, but he didn't know if Oli liked that or not, so he'll just wake him up first.
He walked over to the male sleeping on the couch and swatted at his head, yelling at him to get up. "C'Mon, Oli! Wake up!"
The male groaned and opened his eyes, glaring up at Joe as he blinked, eyes trying to adjust to the light. "I was having a great dream, you knob-head!" Oli groaned again as he sat up, Joe just laughing loudly as he walked back over to the kitchen, sitting down in one of the seats and grabbing his plate, deciding he didn't want to make sausages.
"Ugh, not a great reason to stop dreaming about Beyonce performing at my birthday party," Oli said sarcastically as he got up, throwing the blanket Joe put on him the previous night away from him. Oli didn't ask how it got on him or if he turned the T.V off, so Joe was happy.
His eyes felt like lead, but he ignored it, forcing his eyes to stay open.
"Did Caspar text you yet?" Oli asked as he picked up his toast and bit into it, not even asking for the jam that Joe always had next to him in the morning.
Joe got up, forgetting forks and napkins, walking over to the drawer that held the utensils. "No," Joe sighed, picking up two forks and a knife and picking up two napkins which were on a rack. "Haven't heard for him yet."
Joe went back over to his seat and handed Oli his napkin and fork, finally able to relax. He was usually like a father figure, always picking up the clothes that Oli left on the floor when he slept over, and always baking him every meal of the day. He couldn't help but wonder if he and Caspar ended up settling down together, would they adopt? Joe honestly hoped so. A little Jaspar love child running around?
Perfect.
"That's odd," Oli said, biting into his toast. "he's normally up before us."
Joe would've felt a little alarmed at that, but he trusted Caspar. He knew Caspar would never do something that Joe didn't want him to do, and would always make sure it was known that he was taken. Plus, Caspar promised not to get drunk at parties, so he knew no one would be grinding on his boyfriend unless they wanted a tiny 23 year old man flying up just to kick their ass and rip their reproduction system from their body.
"Probably was a long day filming yesterday," Joe said as he put some jam on his toast with the knife he had. "Caspar promised me he wouldn't get drunk, so."
Oli snorted, causing Joe to look up at him with an odd look. "What? Caspar promised you that? I never struck him as a guy who would do that, even for you."
Joe glared at him, causing Oli to realize what he just said, making him almost drop his toast.
"I meant Caspar would never- I MEANT-"
"Oli," Joe said sternly, putting his knife down and bringing his toast up to his mouth to eat. "Caspar would never hurt me, and I would never hurt him. Watch what comes out of your mouth." Joe then took an angry bite out of his toast, trying his best to ignore what Oli said.
Oli swallowed visibly and said a million apologizes, only for Joe to tell him to shut his mouth and eat his breakfast.
That boy has no filter on his mouth, Joe thought to himself as he chewed on his toast with annoyance. Caspar would never go against my word.
Joe and Oli fell into silence and when Joe looked a little less annoyed towards Oli, the younger male decided to speak.
"So, what are we going to do today?"
Joe shrugged. "I was thinking play FIFA until Lunch and then go out to eat before going shopping."
Oli nodded, telling him that was cool.
They fell in another comfortable moment of silence before Joe's phone dinged, making him snatch his phone fast so Oli didn't see whatever he got. He learned that lesson a hard way. (Let's just say Caspar sent him a dirty text after Joe sent him a nude which Joe forgot about and Joe was busy cleaning the dishes at the time so Oli decided to be a snoop.)
caspy-wasy: good morning, lovely. how was your sleep last night? x
Joe smiled at Caspar's little nickname for him, sighing softly. He hated lying to Caspar, but like he's said before, he couldn't have Caspar worrying about him and thinking ditching L.A just to help with Joe's problems.
joe: good morning, handsome. i slept very very well last night. how did you sleep? x
He placed his phone on his lap, seeing Oli make sure he looked everywhere but Joe's phone. (He didn't want a repeat of over-protective-Caspar-of-Joe's-oh-so-beautiful-body ever again.)
"Caspar texted me a good morning." Joe said, seeing Oli calm down visibly. "No need to shit your pants, snoop dog."
Oli blushed and just mumbled telling Joe that he made a good breakfast as he stuffed scrambled eggs into his mouth, making Joe smirk in power. He loved having the upper hand, even if Oli was stronger and larger than Joe was. Joe's phone buzzed again so he looked down at it, reading Caspar's text.
caspy-wasy: i slept great, but it would've been better if i had you in my arms. also, i miss your cooking. the lady here is rlly nice but her food is blreh
Joe giggled to himself, blushing at Caspar's text.
joe: i wish i was in your arms too. i actually just made breakfast. scrambled eggs and toast
caspy-waspy: yum i hear it calling my name
caspy-waspy: i have to go but i'll skype you later, okay gorgeous? i love you x
joe: i love you too dork x
Joe then locked his phone and put it back on the table, yawning wide before continuing to eat his meal. He felt Oli staring at him so he looked up, only to see Oli immediately look down at his plate. "What?" Joe asked, not liking the way Oli was looking at him.
"It's nothing, it's just..." Oli gulped before stabbing his eggs. "It's your- nothing, never mind."
Joe glared at him, snatching his plate from underneath him and holding it far away from him. Oli's fork was frozen, hovering right above the table and he was looking at Joe with shocked eyes. "It's not nothing, tell me why you were looking at me like that!"
Oli gulped. "I-I think your hot?"
Joe scoffed. "Thanks Oli, but I know you're straight. Why were you looking at me?"
Oli sighed, slumping in his seat. "Have you been sleeping?"
Joe recoiled, almost dropping the plate he was holding. "What?"
"Are you sleeping?"
Joe gulped, and purposely dropped the plate, making it smash and for food to go everywhere. He jumped off of his seat, but fell, crashing down on his face.
"Ow," he mumbled as Oli cursed loudly and jumped from his own seat, running over to Joe and rolling his over.
This wasn't a good plan, Joe thought to himself as he tasted blood drip onto his lips. but at least it'll get the topic of sleep swept under the rug.
¤ ¤ ¤
Two hours later, Joe had a slight bruise on his nose, and he was sitting on the couch; pouting at the television.
He just got back from the emergency room because Oli made him go, but the doctor said it was just a bruise and should go away in a week or so. It took forever to get in though, and they never got to clean up the mess Joe made because Oli screamed something about not wanting Caspar to have his head before getting an Uber which drove them all the way to the emergency. Oli was now cleaning up the mess, not allowing Joe to clean up at all because he didn't want Joe to get hurt again.
So Joe was sitting on the couch, watching random shows and checking his phone every so often in case Caspar calls, just fucking it back into his pocket with a pout whenever he didn't see a notification.
"You did this on purpose didn't you?" Oli asked angrily, throwing shards of broken plates into the trash can. "Honestly, Joe, it was just a question!"
The small man huffed and crossed his arms as if he was a child who didn't get what he wanted. Oli didn't get it, nobody would ever get it. Every time when he was younger and he tried to tell someone about his Insomnia, they would just call him a wuss scared of the dark. He was scared of the dark, and it was because of the nightmares that seemed to always be on his mind because of it. He never slept, and it'll be that way until Caspar comes home. "A question I didn't want to ask."
Oli scoffed loudly from the kitchen. "God, Joe! Don't be such a baby, you're acting like a little brat. You could've just told me you didn't want to speak about it, you didn't have to act like some big bitch!"
Joe felt tears spring up in his eyes and he looked over at Oli in shock, who slapped his hand over his mouth, what he wanted to say obviously coming out wrong. "Joe-"
"Save it," Joe snapped, his voice cracking. He sucked in a breath and got off the couch, running downstairs and going into his bedroom, flinging himself on the bed.
Joe broke down, clinging to his pillow and letting sobs rack his body. All his life, he's been told it's just attention, that it's all him being a big pussy, but it's not. Joe tries the best he can to fall asleep, but it never works and it caused by millions of things and he wishes he could stop it, but he can't. The only thing that could stop it was Caspar, but Caspar wasn't here right now.
Joe cried until he calmed down a bit, still crying, but able to sit up and curl his bed sheets around his tiny frame, wishing they were Caspar's arms.
He pulled his phone out of his pocket and dialled Caspar's number by pressing down his emergency call button and holding it to his ear, still crying and sniffling.
beep, beep, beep- I'm sorry, but (xxx-xxx-xxxx) is not available right now at this time. Please leave a message after the tone, or press one for more options. beeeeep.
"C-Caspar," Joe hiccuped around His tears, sniffing loudly again. "I-I kn-know you're pro-probably filming right-right now, but I really n-need to speak to you. Pl-please c-call me back, I love you."
Joe pressed the end button and curled his hand around his phone, laying back down in his bed and crying more, wishing he was able to fall asleep.
¤ ¤ ¤
"What the fuck did you do!?"
Oli winced at the giant voice that boomed out of his laptop, a image of Caspar glaring on it. He gulped and pressed more into his chair. Even when Caspar wasn't physically here, he was still scared shitless of his angry 'I'm-going-to-kill-you-because-you-hurt-my-lover' face.
"I-I-"
"I-I," Caspar mocked, rolling his eyes. "Spit it out, Oli, what did you do to Joe? I swear to God I will strangle you you to death when I get back!"
Oli gulped. "I asked Joe if-if he's been sleeping so he dropped a plate and accidentally tripped and smashed his face and I got angry when we got back from emergency and called his a brat and said he was acting like a bitch because I got mad and I was stupid, and please don't kill me!"
Caspar glared and shook his head, crossing his arms. "Take this laptop to his room right now so I can talk to my precious cinnamon bun or else,"
Cinnamon bun? Oli thought, blanking out for a minute. Isn't that an internet meme?
"Now!" Caspar shouted, snapping Oil out of his thoughts, causing him to apologize and pick up his laptop, bringing it downstairs.
Oli knocked on Joe's door which was shut, and heard him yell at him to go away.
"Joe, I have Caspar on Skype! He wants to speak to you."
There was silence until Joe peaked out of the door, his face stained with tears and him looking smaller than normal because he was wearing one of Caspar's shirts with fell off his shoulder and nothing underneath buy his boxer briefs. Oli turned the computer around and Caspar's heart broke at how destroyed Joe looked, making a mental note to be sure that he would break Oli's arm when he got home for hurting his perfect boyfriend.
Joe frowned at Oli but took the computer, stepping back into his safe bedroom and slamming the door shut before sitting on his bed and putting the laptop on his lap. "Hi, Caspar."
He sounded faded, as if he was crying for a long time, and by the looks of it, he probably was. Caspar frowned and fought the urge to awkward reach out and caress his laptop, as if it was Joe actually there. "What happened, sweetie?"
Joe gulped, biting his lip. "Promise you won't be mad at me?"
Caspar nodded. "I promise, you know I would never be mad at you, no matter what."
Joe fiddled around with his fingers, chewing on his lips. "I-I never told you this, but...I sort of have Insomnia...I seem to never get in the right position for sleep, causing discomfort, and I always have these horrid nightmares, and I'm scared of everything at night, and I know I sound like I'm just looking for attention but I never sleep and it's absolutely terrible. I haven't slept at all since you left, considering the only way I can sleep is with you, and Oli asked about it so I overreacted and yeah..."
Joe felt another tear slip from his right eye but he just swiped at his face, annoyed.
"Joe, that's serious." The tiny male looked up at Caspar, seeing that his eyes were soft and he was leaning into the computer slightly. "That's really bad. I'm glad I'm a source of comfort, but that really isn't healthy. I'm sure there's pills or therapy for this, isn't there?"
Joe shrugged, still chewing on his lip. "I don't know. My dad thought a night light was enough, and my sister got so popular as she got older that I never had someone to sleep with when I was younger, because it gets weird after a while or something."
Caspar frowned, seeing Joe rub his eyes tiredly. "How come you never told me?"
"I didn't want to be a burden."
If Caspar's heart didn't break before, it did now. He felt some shame of letting his boyfriend, the boy he loved more than anyone in the world, think that Caspar would ever find him a burden. "Joe, I would cross the seven seas, I would climb the tallest mountain, I would kill to make you happy - why would you ever think that I would find you a burden?"
Joe shrug, feeling more tears fall from his eyes as he looked at his boyfriend. "I-I just...it hurts to think I'm anything but normal and my whole life I've been labeled an attention seeker because of it. It's so terrible."
Joe started to cry more then, bringing up his hand and wiping his face, sniffling loudly. "I-I just wa-want you ba-back home," Joe shut his eyes and wiped at them again, letting himself cry even harder. He's been dealing with this terrible disorder his whole life alone, and now here was his perfect boyfriend, telling him he'd kill to make Joe okay and telling him that he wasn't a burden.
Caspar, not caring if it was lame or not, pressed his hand on his laptop screen and felt his heart break even more.
He deserves the right to say he's okay. He deserves the right to say he doesn't have trouble sleeping. He deserves the world, and I would give it to him if I could.
After Joe had slightly settled down, he looked at Caspar, who just said the thing he's been wanting someone to say to him his whole entire life.
"You don't have to go through this alone."
¤ ¤ ¤
When Caspar got back, he may or may not have given Oli a black eye.
And he may or may not have held Joe tighter than he's ever done before, telling him that there's nothing to be scared of because he's not alone.