a/n: dang, y'all couldn't do a lil 'hey girl' or nothing on the interlude? 😅
[Lonnie James, 25]
Lonnie:
"Ma, I give up." I texted from the secluded bar on the outskirts of the family meeting. "I'm so tired to trying to convince the world of who I am." I couldn't even watch them as they talked about how everything is happening because of me. "But idk, maybe I am just like him." I been hearing the same conversation since I was a kid. Always from the same spot, somewhere on the outskirts. Never watching but always listening. At twenty-five it should be easier to hear how much niggas hate you. But it's no easier now, hearing how even Maurice got fucked up, than it was hearing Maverik tell my uncle that he can't understand why I couldn't just be like the other kids. I was only five. He wanted me to be more social, laugh and play but he been screaming at me since I was born; wasn't nothing to smile about. Ain't nothing to smile about now.
Even still, I was always told how i'm alot like Maverik. In many ways. But we never got along. I remember seeing a video from when I was learning to walk.
1997
"I give up, ma." Maverik slid down the wall of their small room in the basement. "I don't know why he wont do it for me."
"You gotta have a little patience, baby." She told him, refusing to come out of her hiding spot where she was secretly watching her baby's father try to bond with their seven month old boy.
"Come on, Lonnie." He begged, "I'm right here." He had his arms out with the camera set up near where Luna was hiding. She wanted to show Maverik that the baby had a bond with him too. She hid so she wouldn't influence his decision to walk. "Come to daddy, boy. Use them big ol' legs my baby."
"It's cause he sees the camera. Move it."
"But then he gonna see me. I don't want him to see me."
"Ma, he can hear you anyway. He looking right over there."
She sucked her teeth, reluctantly reaching her arm out for the bulky canon. The baby clocked her immediately cooing, "Ma." Just how his daddy says it. He pointed at her, looking at his father. "Go ahead." He rolled his eyes as the baby finally moved from his spot, crawling towards his mother. He got close to his father and used his leg as a brace to stand up. Maverik shook his head at the predictable baby. "You only love yo momma." He pursed his lips, watching as he stumbled over to his mother.
She picked him up and Maverik stood walking over to the duo. He rubbed Lonnie's cheek with the back of his hand, "Little momma's boy."
Luna smiled, "Now tell Daddy you love him." And the baby reached out for his father only to fake him out when Maverik went to grab him. Luna laughed along with the baby while Mav stood by with a sullen face. She pushed his arm, "Lighten up big head. He get that phony shit from your childish ass."
I hate that video.
"But, we can't blame him for that. Cobe brought that nigga to your house." Cole yelled so loud it brought me out of my thoughts.
"He ain't know Lonnie was gone be there." Dame told him.
"He did! Ain't no way we all knew and he didn't!" Cole yelled, seemingly defending me. "Y'all keep on acting like Kwabena was a saint. Keep lying, dawg. Either y'all just lying or you really didn't know him. Like, for real."
That's the truest shit i've ever heard. Nobody hardly knew the real Cobe. Not even me.
"Yeah, but, even so. I can't blame Cobe for things he never knew would happen."
"He was a calculated motherfucker. Y'all swear y'all knew him. He hid his whole life! He knew what was gonna happen. He liked that drama shit or else he wouldn't have made the decisions he made. He put all us in it."
"You gotta chill." Jah dismissed him even though he didn't know Cobe well.
"So you don't think Lonnie was set up at Oz house then?" Cole asked Jah.
"Lonnie, your quiet ass." Cole directed the attention towards my quiet corner. "You don't think you was set up? Like Cobe ain't ask you for help then ask Mohammed for help too? Knowing both of y'all would show up." He asked even though just months prior he was swearing up and down that there's no way Cobe would do me like that— he just trying to prove a point now.
"Dame what about'chu? Cecil! You and Cobe was thick as thieves the whole time we ain't know where you was. You telling me that ain't some shiesty shit?"
"Cobe wasn't even like that. He just cared about everybody. You know that." I tried defending him even though I know better than anybody in this room that Cole is right about Kwabena. He was sneaky as hell. And selfish. But, he wasn't calculated or manipulative— he just didn't always think things through. He moved off of emotion; just like Cole.
"So you speaking up for him now? Don't act like you ain't say the shit you said about him. I ain't forget. Y'all tryna make it seem like i'm trippin' like i'm hating on my own best friend. No. I just knew him."
"But Cobe was sweet. He was a sweetheart." Chey added.
"He was manipulating everybody."
"Yo, shut the fuck up." Cecil finally interjected. He'd been quiet ever since Cole shut him up earlier. "Everybody in this room done did weird shit. Including you. Especially you. But that's not why we're here. You said you know something we all need to know. What the fuck is it Cole?"
Cole looked at Dame. Dame shook his head, encouraging him to keep quiet. But, the silence caught my attention and all eyes were now on the twenty-two year old who was second guessing the whole excursion. He looked at me and somehow I had an inkling of what was on his mind. He looked at Jah who was grinding his teeth in anticipation. It always comes to me.
"Jah." Cole licked his teeth. "Before I say anything." He walked, pacing the open area of the stage. "Why did Lonnie get kicked out?"
All eyes were now on the second eldest man in the room including those of the freckled lost boy at the bar (me)— my attention the most undivided. It was a question i'd desperately wanted the answer to. Aside from killing an old friend turned enemy and my ex best friend being murdered, it was on the top of my 'overthinking until I can no longer sleep' list.
Jah cleared his throat.
"Did he do something?" Cole asked.
"I actually don't know. I'm as in the dark as he is." He admitted.
"What you mean by that?" He asked Jah, then turned to me, "Why you don't know Lonnie? Wasn't you there?"
"He forgets." Jah announced, "Sometimes the memories don't stick. Unless somebody tells him, there's times where he doesn't even know something went down."
"But I can feel it." I told Jah. It was something we'd never discussed before. "I may not know what happened but I can tell something did. I feel the guilt that comes after I do something fucked up. But, mostly I feel lost. Like now. I think something happened between me and my dad. I just can't remember what. He won't talk to me and—"
"Black. They don't need to know allat." He interrupted me. I've never gotten the chance to talk about this side of me openly. But he's right. It's not the time or the place.
Cole sucked his teeth, "Damn, let him talk for once."
"You saying for once like you know how we do or something."
"I do, nigga. Let him talk. Go 'head Lonnie."
"I'on really got nothing else to say."
"Seems you be having plenty to say to this nigga here about shit that aint his business though, Black. What the fuck you be saying to him."
"Don't worry about what the fuck I say to him. That's our business. Everything aint about you."
He put his head down. I could tell he was getting even more heated. "Right. Because it's always about you. But you know what? You know what Black? Fuck that. And fuck you, bro." He stood up, finally facing me. "I give up so much for you and then you really ghost me and ignore my calls and shit like i'm not the only nigga in the world who give a fuck about how you doing?"
I actually gasped.
Cole did too. "Wow, talk about a manipulator." He instigated.
"Fuck you, you weirdo bitch. I ain't manipulating nobody. It's the fucking truth. Don't nobody care about his crazy ass except me."
"I do."
"Oh yeah? Where the fuck were you when—"
"Where were you?!" Cole yelled at him, visibly angered. I looked around to see everyone staring directly and intently at him. "You got a strange ass complex little man! Ain't you tired of seeing your brother beat the fuck up and bloody and wounded and shit?!"
"I'm always there."
"You're not always there." Cole shook his head, "You might always show up but you're not always there. Look at him. Tell me, when was the last time you seen him? The nigga you're always there for? Look at his eyes. He ain't slept in weeks. Where the fuck were you Jah?"
"Cole, stop." I watched Jah clam up, "That's not how I feel, Jaleel." I lied, it's exactly how I feel. Cole only knows because i've told him. That's why we share a look after I said those words I didn't mean. "You're always there." I lied again.
"I gave up everything for you."
I nodded, "Yeah, I know." But he'd been defeated. He's been thinking about it for weeks I can tell. I look at his eyes and he hasn't slept either. Dark circles rest underneath his water line. Only half of his deep brown irises are visible with how low his lids have fallen. Frown lines on either side of his mouth and nose have almost solidified. The worry lines on his forehead have aged him seven times. I wouldn't dare give him more worry.
"We family, Jah." Dame spoke up, "I understand the 'what happens in this house stays in this house'; I grew up in a toxic household. Going back and forth from that to the Adebanjo's luxe life, I kept shit to myself, I wasn't allowed to tell Cole or Mr. A anything because they didn't need to know. But if they knew, it could've changed shit for me. They could've helped me. They were my family too." He paused, "Now, that being said, I know you worried about Lonnie. This your first time seeing him in about a month. And just like us, you wanna know what went down and how to fix it. So, give him space, and your self, to open up to us. Ain't a single person in this room disloyal."
Cheyenne let out a breathy, facetious giggle earning a glare from Cecil.
"You can trust us." Dame continued, ignoring the interruption. "When did you get kicked out?" He directed this towards me. "Uncle Mac was talking like you just left."
"I did. They wanted me to stay with my ex-Father. My ex-father. Maverik. Him and his bitc— him and his wife and kids." I corrected myself in remembrance of Maurice's presence. "I couldn't stay there. Holle didn't want me there. So I left."
"She was just surprised." Maurice defended her.
"Yeah. Which meant I was a secret from her. Again." He emphasized.
Jah was shaking his head, disappointed in his little brother. "Just talking too fucking much." He mumbled.
"Ayo, I don't know what kinda shit y'all on," Cecil complained. He was already up and pacing, eerily upset because nothing involving him had happened since I arrived. He got closer to my brother whose temper is really no better than mine or Makaveli's, He pointed in his face yelling, "Figure that shit out right damn now."
"I really don't know who the fuck you keep thinking you talking to." Jah glared at Cecil.
"You nigga. What?" He stood over Jah who was still seated. I stood up. The closer he got to Jah, the closer I got to the group.
"Ayo, back up offa me for real." Jah barked. By this time I was right behind where he was sitting.
"Can I say something?" Maurice asked and everyone looked his way. "I think that we should listen to Jah. Maybe it's really not our business what goes on behind closed doors within their family. I know I'm the youngest in here. Besides Georgie. But, I don't think anybody should be forced to talk about anything they're not ready to talk about. Let's just respect everyone's boundaries."
Nodding in agreement, Cole grabbed Cecil's shoulder pulling him back away from Jah's space but Cecil's reaction was to swing his arm from cole's grip, punching him in the nose. "Don't fucking touch me, nigga." He growled, charging towards Jah who wasn't feeling what he'd just done to Cole. Jah lifted his pants and walked up on Cecil in a fighting stance.
All the while, in slow motion seemingly, Cole stumbled back, holding his hands out under his face, becoming bloodied from the stream out of his nose. Seeing the blood rush out of his nose got me up instantly, charging towards Cecil, pinning him up against a pillar in defense of Cole and passing him away from my brother. He glared into my eyes. My teeth were shut as tight as his hands were around Cecil's neck.
I know I was probably red. "Who the fuck you touching now nigga?" I asked thru gritted teeth. Cecil clawed at my hands, feigning for release.
Nobody moved. The longer I stared into his darkening eyes, the angrier I got. His eyes were cold, meaningless. "Hit me." I growled at him. "Push me nigga. Fight." I dared him. But he didn't. He reached for my arms but there was no strength in those gnarled fingers.
"Yo, chill." Jah tried calling me down. "Black." He stood as close as he could, knowing not to touch me unless the situation was to be escalated.
"He gonna kill him!" I heard Cheyenne scream at the sight of her baby's father's skin darkening a hot blue. She ran towards us, stopped by Jah but she pushed his arm away, grabbing my shoulder. I shook her off, nearly knocking her to the ground. "Cole!" Chey begged, trying to get anyone to calm me. "Do something!"
Cecil's eyes began to bulge out of their usually hidden place underneath the cover of his small almond shaped eyes. Once he stopped grabbing at my arms, I let him go and Cecil's limp body fell to the ground, seemingly lifeless.
Cheyenne screamed, grabbing at his limbs, tapping his face.
"He's fine. He'll wake up in a minute." Jah brushed it off. "But for everybody else." He started, "Stay the fuck out our business and we'll stay outta yours."
Cole shook his head, holding a large stack of napkins up to his face, absorbing the gobs of blood that still hadn't stopped. He started to laugh at the situation, unfunny as it was. All eyes were now on the twenty-two year old. "So you always leave your victims breathing?" He shrugged, "I mean not Cobe though. Obviously."
Now I was headed towards Cole, blindly, but stopped by Dame who was now standing right behind me; his big brother. Damon's arm resting on the shoulders of the older, just asserting his presence— knowing what was about to be said. My chest was heaving at the accusation. "You think I killed Kwabena?" I would never.
Dame tagged on, "Your business is our business. It affects everybody in this room." replying to Jah's resistance to the conversations. But Jah had already decided he was done talking.
I had been ignoring the touch of Dame's fingers on my head for a while out of pure nicety and the fact that he's my brother. But he was basically massaging my scalp at this point, lowkey centering me, regulating my heated temperature. I furrowed his brows after speaking, "Yo, what are you doing?"
"Your hair is just mad soft." Dame mumbled. I looked at Cole who was already watching us. "And it smells like something." He added, still trying to place the nostalgic scent. "Reminds me of being a kid, in a good way."
"Oh." I accepted the compliment. "I tried something new." I glanced at Cole who was still watching our interaction.
"Wait, I got it." He stopped caressing my hair and closed his eyes, folding his arms. The room was silent at this point. Sadé was especially tuned in as she held her child, caressing the baby's silky curls. "It was at the Salon. Cold Cutz. Like 2012 or something. Cole had this crazy ass hair. My shit was lowkey matted up too. And miss A picked us up from school and brought us there."
"When I had my first hair cut." Cole chimed in.
Dame opened his eyes. He grinned at Cole, "You remember that day?"
"Yeah." Cole agreed, joining in on the reminiscence. "That was our first time going out to eat at a place that wasn't a buffet." Cole laughed.
"It was the night before your first big piano recital. Remember? You was geeked, walked onto that stage like a new man."
"I was. That day changed me for real."
"What the fuck are y'all talking about?" Jah interrupted. "And what the hell you mean he leave his victims breathing nigga? If they breathing they ain't no damn victim."
"Even if half of their face was shot off?"
My face dropped at the mention. He can't be talking about Mohammed. I looked at Jah.
"Who?" He asked the question I couldn't open my mouth to.
"Y'alls Mediterranean friend. The one with the brown truck." He spoke, cockily. Like he was proud to tell us I'd missed. Like he was proud to tell us something we didn't know. My stomach turned. It was like the nightmares I'd been having— seeing his face— were warnings. I knew it. But, it's not true. It can't be.
"Mo?" Jah stupidly asked.
Dame nodded.
"He dead." Jah said matter-of-factly.
"Nah, he's not." Cole retorted. "You fucked up. You failed, Lonnie. That's why you can't fucking sleep nigga. Walking around here looking like a zombie and shit. The reason you can't close your eyes is because you knew that something wasn't right. You could feel it. I could see it all over you. Now he's coming for you and sadly, we got very close to you. So he's coming for all of us."
"So, if y'all could handle that?" Dame instigated.
"It been handled. Y'all are mistaken." Jah was still in denial.
Cole huffed.
"What'd you see Maurice? Did ol' boy look deceased to you?" Cole called across the room to the only person who hadn't moved from their original seat. He stayed, lead-legged, in his chair, watching from afar the treachery before him.
"He's not dead." He assured us. "I saw him."
Jah sucked his teeth. "Y'all going off'a one little ass boy and his hallucinations?"
"I saw him." Maurice said sternly.
"You saw a ghost?"
Maurice stood. "No! I know what I saw. Who I saw."
Jah inhaled sharply. "Fine. If he's right. What other evidence is there? Did anybody else see him?"
"I'll tell you what I did see." Cole started, "The unsettled look in your eyes." He stared at me. "And I kept asking you what you were hiding from."
"I wasn't hiding."
"Yeah, that's what you keep saying. But I could tell you were shaken up by something. And when you told me what you did, then it all made sense."
I wanted to throw up. If he was anyone else, spewing my words all out into the public i'd have taken his breath like I just did his brother who still hadn't become conscious yet, "Is this what it's like being friends with you? Cause if so, I'm glad I never told you any real shit. Got damn."
"Don't be like that." Cole retorted, equally hurt. "I'm just trying to help."
"Nah, I done got at this nigga for punching you and you just say all that shit? In front of everybody? You coulda came to me, alone."
"I did. I tried talking to you."
"Enough'a that." Dame commented, "I been told him not to be around you. Now look at the shit we in. I got a fucking baby, dawg. A newborn. And your friend, the supposedly dead one, is out hunting niggas at my fucking house in broad daylight."
"Wait, what?"Jah asked, intrigued by the last line. Something he hasn't been made aware of.
"That's where Reece saw Mohammed. Outside of my house. Driving by all slow with the windows down like he trying to scare somebody."
"Nah, nah, nah that's not even possible." Jah was struck.
"So you seen his body?" Dame challenged him.
Jah was struck again, this time with guilt. Reminded that he was too late. Not at the right place— he didn't make good timing. The truck was gone and so was Mo. He never saw the body. He never even saw the blood. But he also never saw Mo after that.
"It don't matter if he seen the body or not. I saw him. The blood. Everything." I defended him, filling in the silence.
"I thought you had issues with your memory bro?" Dame questioned my validity. I narrowed my eyes at him. Then boom, my fist heading towards his face but Jah grabbed onto my arm before my flesh could connect with Dame's.
"I'm just saying. Like, which should we believe? Can you remember or can you not? Is the nigga dead or is he ain't?" Dame asked again, unfazed.
"He's dead." Jah finalized, unsure himself. But Cole knew better. He knew that Mohammed was alive. He also knew that it wouldn't be long until he wasn't. What he didn't know was what the cost would be for his death. Sure, they'd all be safe; those who would survive.
After that, Jah and I left. I was a few feet behind him as the door closed behind us. I heard it open again and Cole's voice. "Wait, Lonnie. Lemme talk to you." He called as the door closed begging him. I waited while he caught up to me."I'm glad you came." He started. But I didn't feel like he was actually glad to see me tonight. Not wanting to say anything, I turned away.
"No. Wait." He pulled on my arm, becoming closer. "Let me apologize to you." He said, standing less than a foot away.
"Ain't nobody stopping you."
"I'm sorry. Not just for tonight. I'm sorry for not hearing you. And not seeing you. And not letting you get comfortable in my arms like i'm comfortable in yours."
"I am comfortable with you, Cole. Its just things we can't talk about. You gotta understand that. And shit like tonight can't happen." I scolded him for throwing me under the bus.
"So what you saying?" He asked, hopeful. The way his chocolate eyes lit up at the thought of us together made my heart jump, honestly. I slipped up a slight smirk and licked my bottom lip in an effort to hide how crazily I feel about him but he'd been following every movement until we made eye contact again. I wanted him to know, though, how I liked that he wasn't scared to be honest with me even though there's a time and a place. He'll learn.
"I don't think you owe me an apology because, you were right." I admitted. "And imma handle business for you. And i'll do anything else you want me to do too. Just say the words."
"Okay?"
"And how about we keep our conversations private from now on?" I advised in regards to both kinds we've had tonight. Cole agreed, stepping back a few feet, looking around. "I'll text you alright?"
He nodded while I walked away feeling like it was the first honest conversation we've had since we met.
As Dame walked away from the door where he clearly caught the moment between Lonnie and Cole, he got a text from Jemaika. A simple one. One that in its simplicity made Dame rethink his sureness that nothing but friendship was going on between Lonnie and Cole as Cole had previously assured him. The text read,
"You would tell me if Cole was cheating on me right?"
P:01.07.2024
FIRST POST OF THE NEW YEAR!!!
Happy New Year My Babies!!!!!!!!!!!!!!