It had been months since Prapai and Sky made their relationship official. They were already living together, using Prapai’s former hookup condo as their new home. Sky was already in his third year of university and on top of that, he had begun very recently to go to therapy in order to heal from the past. He was given some medication to treat the symptoms and he went to a psychologist every week. Prapai would go with him, taking time off his work to do so in order to be there and support his beloved. Sky had made some progress, his nightmares having decreased considerably and the flashbacks also not being as frequent as before, but occasionally he would have relapses that would make him think that there was no light at the end of the tunnel, just like in this particular time.
It was an average evening. Sky had been working on some assignments after he got home and he had now finished them, leaving him with nothing else to do. Checking out the time, there was still an hour and a half left for Prapai to both finish working and return home, so he had to find a way to kill the time left. Remembering that he had recently been gifted the newest One Piece volumes published in Thailand, he decided to lay down on the bed and read them even though he had already read those chapters when they originally came out through the app he used to read manga.
As he flipped through the pages, he immersed himself into the story, but he never expected for another episode to begin out of the blue.
Suddenly, as it used to happen from time to time, he began feeling aware of the damage he had been left with after being with Gun. It didn’t really hurt like so, but he could feel wounds all over his body, even picturing himself with them. He could see them open, leaving trails of blood behind, and the skin was bruised in several areas. Nobody could see those wounds but himself, so no one was truly aware of their existence as such and how deep they were. He felt like he had been broken, torn to pieces and left in a pool of blood. Not only that, but his body felt dirty and used, sparking up shame.
One thing would lead to the other, so once he would start feeling that, flashbacks would also be triggered. He remembered all those times Gun had beaten him up, how he had hurt him, the way he would yell at him, and how he would use him like a toy in and out of sex.
His heart was beating very fast and his breaths came out uneven, leaving him unable to breathe properly. He clutched his head as he cried out and begged it all to stop, his mind going insane over the feeling of hands roaming all over his body and soiling it. His vision had become blurry thanks to the tears that were falling down. The voice of the monster, saying he was bored and insulting him, echoed all over his head along with his very image.
His insecurities also began fronting, making him question everything and sinking him farther.
‘You are so broken, dirty and used. How could someone really love you?’
‘Prapai will eventually get bored of you, just like Gun did, and he will leave you.’
‘Do you really expect him to love someone in the state you are in?’
‘Everybody gets bored eventually. He won’t be the exception.’
‘You don’t deserve to have Prapai by your side.’
‘You are nothing but a used and broken doll.’
Because his brain was in so much distress, it immediately proceeded to activate his defense mechanism and he began detaching from everything around him and even his own being. He couldn’t feel anything anymore, not even feeling in his own body. He lost awareness of everything around him, becoming lost in the nothingness. It was his only way of dealing with the pain when he thought he wouldn’t be able to bear it. He had become unresponsive, just like when Prapai had saved him from Gun that day.
Time went by quickly and Prapai returned. He closed the door behind him once he got in and took off his shoes, leaving them at the entrance.
“Sky, I’m back!” he exclaimed once he saw that the boy hadn’t gone to greet him at the door.
He walked around the condo, trying to see where he was as he kept calling him. Once he got to their room, he was glad to see his beloved there, but right away he could tell something was wrong.
“Sky? What’s wrong?” he asked as he ran towards him, shaking his body as he saw that he was not responding.
The younger one was so lost in the nothingness that he had been left staring emptily, appearing lifeless.
“Sky! Sky, please, say something!” begged the tall man as he kept trying to make him come to his senses by shaking him.
He was very worried, not really knowing if he had dissociated just like that one time or if he had had any sort of attack. Fortunately, the boy didn’t take too long to become aware again. He was left confused for a moment when he saw the look of worry on his boyfriend’s face, but then he realized that he had dissociated after having relapsed. Prapai quickly pulled him into his arms, hugging him as tight as he could.
“I was so worried seeing how unresponsive you were!” said Prapai, embracing him as if fearing he would suddenly vanish. “What happened? What made you dissociate?”
The younger one clutched his shirt as he teared up. Prapai noticed how he was slightly trembling and he didn’t have to think that hard to find out the reason behind his relapse. He let the boy keep holding onto him as he now caressed his hair softly.
“It’s okay. I’m here now. Don’t worry.”
“Pai…” voiced the younger man almost in a whisper.
“Yes, my dear? What’s wrong? Could you tell me what happened?”
Sky nodded weakly and tried to pull himself together in order to actually tell him everything.
“I feel broken, used and dirty, Pai…I feel like I’m not worthy of being with you. I feel like you should get bored of me. I can’t satisfy you in any way.”
Hearing Sky say such things always made him feel as if his heart was being poked by needles. He pressed him even closer and kept trying to soothe him while he began giving some comforting words.
“Sky, even though you were treated by that bastard as if you were a toy, you are no such thing and you are not broken, dirty or used,” reassured the man. “You are not worthless and be sure that I love you regardless of it and nothing could make me change my mind. You are perfect the way you are and I’m more than satisfied being with you. I could never get bored of you.”
Prapai kept combing and caressing his hair softly, leaving a kiss on his forehead from time to time too.
“You deserve to be loved regardless of your past and I will make sure you are for the rest of my life.”
The younger one became emotional again and tried to hold back his tears, but he couldn’t and some slowly rolled down his cheeks.
“Will it ever get better? I feel like I just keep relapsing and there’s no light at the end of the tunnel. It hurts so much.”
Prapai also could feel himself tearing up, just like when Sky first fully opened up to him about the abuse he suffered. Sky being in pain also made him suffer. It was painful seeing the one he loved the most still suffering, all thanks to that monster whom he wished he could have killed right then and there.
“Healing isn’t a linear process. There might be many relapses in the way, but you are making progress for sure. You need to give it some time.”
Sky, like anyone who had gone through trauma, wanted it gone right away, but Prapai was right as much as he didn’t really like the truth. There would be more episodes like that one and it would take time, and on top of that he hadn’t been going to therapy for that long.
“Don’t worry. I will never leave your side. You won’t go through it on your own.”
After several minutes, Sky had fully relaxed after a while and he was even beginning to feel how his eyelids were growing heavy. He had grown exhausted after both having to deal with the assignments he had finished earlier and then crying.
Soon, he completely gave into the tiredness and fell asleep. Prapai smiled softly and fully laid down, not caring about the fact that he hadn’t changed his clothes and was still wearing the not-so-comfortable suit. He gave him more forehead kisses and pressed him against his chest.
“Rest well and don’t be afraid of anything. I’ve got you.”