Word Count: 2,651
"I love you," Rosé whispered, looking excited. She moved closer to me, sitting on my legs and holding me in place. I didn't feel any weight, but I could feel her soft skin and smell her sweet scent.
Rosé leaned against me and wrapped her arms around my back, getting closer to me. She looked down shyly, showing some skin from her white dress. I tried not to stare, but Rosé put her hands on my neck and pulled me closer.
She sighed and whispered, "Can you touch me more?"
I hugged her back and moved closer to her lips--
"Wait, what?" I sat up straight, surprised.
I was alone in my bedroom, and the morning sun shone through a gap in the closed curtains. When I looked at the clock on my side table, I saw that it was just past five. With the approach of summer, the sun was rising earlier, and I certainly hadn't intended to wake up at this hour.
I pressed the palm of my hand against my face as I remembered what I'd been dreaming about and was immediately overcome with shame. "This is the worst..."
The dream had taken me by surprise. Previously, when Rosé had appeared in my dreams, she had behaved as usual, never acting with such blatant desire. When she had told me the day before that she wanted me to touch her more, that must have provided the inspiration for my fantasy, but even so, I felt ashamed. My mind had imagined Rosé acting in ways she never would. Even though it had only been a dream, I still felt guilty about having those kinds of feelings toward her.
It was frustrating. I wanted to cherish Rosé and treat her respectfully, but my subconscious mind apparently had other ideas. I had the fleeting temptation to slam my head into the wall.
I decided that some exercise would be just the thing to clear my head. Pushing away my unwanted thoughts, I made to leave my room but paused on the way out. "Kill me now." Before I could start the day, I was going to need a nice long shower to wash away any lingering frustrations.
"Hey, Y/N, what's with the dead expression?" After getting up early for a morning run to shake off my shame, I had exhausted myself both physically and mentally. Lisa must have noticed and approached me during a break at school.
I looked at Jennie, who was sitting beside me, to ask whether I looked that lifeless, and she nodded. "Ah, well...I went for a little run this morning," I explained.
"That'll wipe you out, no doubt." Lisa nodded. "A couch potato is sure to get groggy when they finally start working out." Lisa cackled and grinned lightheartedly as she slapped me on the back. I was relieved that she didn't press me any further.
Telling Lisa something meant that Rosé would know eventually anyway, so I did my best to avoid telling her anything important. Honestly, I didn't want to let anyone know about my dream.
"If you're not feeling great, just head home after school and take a break. Don't push yourself too hard," Rosé chimed in, standing next to Lisa like she was her keeper. We were in school, so Rosé was in her "angel mode," but she was genuinely worried. I had a feeling she was going to spoil me once we got home.
But I knew I wouldn't be able to accept her kindness. My guilt from that dream was still haunting me, making it hard to even look at Rosé. I replied in a flat tone, "Thanks for being concerned, but I'm fine. No need to worry." I tried to keep my emotions out of it, but I could see Rosé's face stiffen out of the corner of my eye.
I didn't want to show how awkward I felt around her, but it probably looked like I was suddenly mad at her. I couldn't explain why I was so distant, so I just kept quiet and avoided the topic. Everyone knew I was a moody introvert, so I doubt anyone thought twice about it.
"Feeling okay, Y/N?" Rosé asked.
"Yeah, just tired," I replied. "Trying not to doze off here. We've got tests coming up, so can't afford to sleep through class."
"Always so serious," Lisa teased.
"Well, exams at our school are tough, so gotta buckle down and study," I reminded them.
Lisa suggested, "Hey, why don't we all study together? It'll be more fun and effective, right?"
"Oh? Then maybe Rosie can tutor you," I joked.
Lisa hesitated, "Uh, I guess that could work, but..."
I avoided looking at her and busied myself with organizing my desk. If I kept talking, I'd have to face Rosé and I didn't want to make it awkward. So, I grabbed my textbook and pretended to read.
As soon as class was over, I left school and did some shopping before heading home.
As usual, Rosé was already at my place making food, but she seemed sad. She could tell something was up with me and kept looking over at me with a frown. Normally, we're more relaxed at home, but that night we kept our distance like we were still in school.
I felt really awkward and tried my best to ignore my thoughts about Rosé. I guess she could tell I was avoiding her.
"Are you mad at me?" Rosé asked nervously after we finished eating dinner without even looking at each other.
I realized I made a mistake and looked up at her.
Rosé looked anxious.
"I'm not mad," I reassured her.
"People only say that when they're mad. You've been acting weird all day and you're not talking much. Did I do something to upset you?"
Even though I was the one avoiding her, Rosé was sorry. It made me realize I was only thinking about myself.
Feeling flustered, I took Rosé's hands and looked into her eyes. They were more teary than usual.
"N-no, it's not you. You didn't do anything wrong, Rosé. I'm sorry for hurting your feelings."
"So then, why are you being distant?"
"W-well, there are a few reasons, I guess..."
I found myself struggling to explain.
I knew I couldn't be too honest with her. Rosé would definitely be put off by that. I didn't want to make her uncomfortable or put her in a tough spot.
"I was wondering if maybe you were tired of me or something..."
"Absolutely not!" I insisted. "I-I just have some personal stuff going on... There's a lot on my mind."
"...And you're not going to tell me about it?"
Rosé looked dejected and stared at the floor. I could only groan.
How can I explain this?
I hated lying to her, so I decided to tell her the mildest version of the truth.
But I wasn't sure how to make it sound less rough or vague in this case.
If I messed up, she wouldn't understand and might even be disgusted instead.
"It's really not a big deal, okay?" I said nervously.
"...Even though it's enough to make you ignore me?" Rosé asked, her eyes filled with confusion.
"No, it's just that I'm trying to exercise self-control and settle my mind down."
"You don't feel calm when I'm around?"
"That's not what I mean, it's just...difficult."
"So it's hard to be with me?"
"That's not what I said! Ugh, how can I explain this...?"
If I was a boy, it would have been easier. But as a femme, I wasn't sure how to explain it to a girl, no matter what I said. I had to tell her something, or she would keep misunderstanding.
Rosé clearly wanted to know why I was avoiding her if she hadn't done anything wrong. But all I could say was that it was hard to explain.
For the sake of my likely nonexistent pride, I needed to be delicate.
"So you said that you want me to touch you more," I explained hesitantly. "And because of that, I...had a dream."
"A...dream?" Rosé asked, her voice softening.
"...A dream where you were asking me, very sweetly, for certain things..."
Somehow, that was the best answer I could think of. Rosé looked confused and blinked her eyes a lot.
“I really hate that I had a dream like that,” I said. “I try not to think of you that way, and I would never force you to do anything. But this time, I just couldn't help it. It's because yesterday, you said some really cute things. And when I avoided you awkwardly, it wasn't because I was mad at you or anything, it was because I was disgusted with myself…”
“…What did I say to you, Y/N?”
“Are you trying to make me feel embarrassed?!” I protested. Rosé didn't move away from me, which was good, but her curiosity made me nervous.
They say that dreams reflect our desires, so if I told her what I had dreamed about her, she would know that I thought of her in that way, even if it wasn't on purpose.
“Embarrass you…? No, I was just wondering if I was too aggressive and made you feel uncomfortable. So I wanted to know, for future reference.”
"I don't think you need to know that, Rosé. How would that be useful for anything anyway?" I asked, feeling a bit nervous.
"Like when I'm trying to make your heart race," Rosé replied with a mischievous smile.
"Can you please stop trying to scare me like that?" I asked, feeling a bit annoyed. I didn't understand why Rosé enjoyed teasing me. She had already surprised me in many ways, and I didn't want to give her any more ideas.
Rosé looked relieved, and her cheeks turned slightly red when I let the word "cute" slip out of my mouth.
"It's good to know that I'm not being avoided. I'm glad we cleared that up," Rosé said with a smile. For some reason, her smile made me feel content. I stared at her, feeling ashamed and embarrassed.
"Rosé, among the people I know, you're the most innocent," I said, trying to tease her back.
"Hey, I could say the same about you," Rosé retorted with a grin.
"I used to hang out with people a lot, so you might have been surprised to learn that. But you're the only one I'm really close to, Y/N," Rosé said honestly.
"I don't really hang out with girls much either, so..." I trailed off, feeling a bit embarrassed. I didn't want to lie to Rosé about my lack of experience.
If I tried to pretend that I was used to being around girls, she would have seen right through me.
"Well, you seem to know how to handle girls pretty well," Rosé remarked.
"You must be joking," I scoffed. "I'm not good at handling anything. I just try to do what's right and be a decent person, like my parents taught me.
And if I mess up, I try to make it up to you by doing something that makes you happy. That's all. I'm happy when you're happy...is that so bad?"
"Of course not," Rosé reassured me. "You're sneaky in a good way, Y/N."
"What do you mean by that?" I asked, feeling a bit confused.
"You seem sneaky in everything you do," Rosé replied.
"Are you trying to insult me?" I questioned, feeling defensive.
"No, I'm actually trying to boost your confidence and make you feel better," she explained.
"I don't really get what you're trying to say," I admitted.
"That's okay, you don't have to understand right now," she reassured me.
This wasn't the first time we had this conversation, and I still didn't understand why she thought I was sneaky.
But I didn't think I needed to search too hard for the answer.
Rosé had been worried and disappointed with my behavior before. However, now she was smiling happily without a worry.
"Anyway, I heard something nice today," she said.
"Something nice?" I asked, curious.
"You mentioned that I'm the first person you've ever been this close to," she revealed.
Her statement caught me off guard, and I ended up coughing uncontrollably.
Rosé looked at me with curiosity. It seemed like she didn't intend to get that reaction from me. She was probably just speaking her mind.
That's what made it so surprising for me.
"T-That's not exactly what I meant... Well, it's not wrong, but you're making it sound strange! And besides, it's none of your business!" I stammered.
"Why are you getting so flustered? It's actually kind of nice, isn't it? We're both experiencing all these firsts together. It means we're getting closer by stumbling through it, right?"
"Well, that's true, but..."
As I thought about how things had been until now, her observation seemed reasonable. But it was incredibly embarrassing to hear her say it so sincerely, without any ulterior motives. The more I tried not to overthink it, the more it weighed on me.
"...Y/N?"
"It's nothing, so please do not look at me," I replied.
I didn't want her to see the shame that was practically radiating from me, so I turned my back to her without getting up from the sofa.
I didn't want to be seen, and I didn't want to look at her either.
"Why are you speaking so formally?" she asked.
"Don't worry about it."
"Alright, I won't look."
Instead, Rosé turned around and sat with her back against mine, leaning on me. I turned my head to look at her and got a playful jab in the ribs.
I couldn't see her face, but I was certain she was grinning mischievously.
"If we sit like this, I'm 'not looking,' right?" she teased.
"I guess not."
"Well, you'll just have to deal with it, since I had to deal with you avoiding me all day."
When Rosé put it that way, I could tell that there was no way I was going to dig myself out of the hole I had created, and I wasn't even going to bother trying.
Feeling a strange sense of calmness, although the warmth spreading through my back made my chest throb, I let my chin rest on my knees.
"Please, don't talk about your first time or anything like that anymore," I mumbled. "I really don't know how to handle it."
I felt Rosé shiver, as if she had just remembered the issue. Then, it seemed like she turned around because I felt her grab the back of my shirt.
"T-That's not what I meant to say at all, okay?! Well, it is, but I didn't say it with that intention!"
"I-I understand, so please don't say anything more."
Knowing that Rosé had never been this close to anyone before made it even more embarrassing when she talked about those things.
It didn't take much thought to realize that we had experienced a lot of firsts together.
At least in my case, Rosé was the first girl I had held hands with, aside from my mother when I was a young child. She was also the only one I had ever embraced. It was very likely the same for her.
Being a part of these new experiences with the girl I liked, being the first step for her, was both delightful and embarrassing, and it felt like an honor.
I found myself wishing that I could be Rosé's first and last love too. I smiled softly to myself as she pressed her forehead against my back and rubbed against me, clearly feeling embarrassed. I couldn't help but think about how wonderful it would be to stay by her side in the future.