Hues After The Rivalry
Kabanata 38
Imposible.
Mas lalo pa akong nanghina. Papa held me. May sinabi ang doktor pero wala akong maintindihan. He left while checking the side of his lips, along with the nurses. Hanggang kaming apat na lang ang natira.
My tears stopped flowing. Naging malinaw sa akin si Rue, na ngayon ay nasa harap ko na, bagsak ang mga balikat.
Hindi ako naniniwala.
"Saan ka galing?" I asked, trembling.
"Rue, you can go-"
Rue shook his head at my father. Mariin akong napapikit dahil hindi pa rin pumapasok sa utak ko ang nangyayari ngayon.
No, my mother isn't gone. She's still alive.
"Let me, Tito Harold," Rue said with a trembling voice too.
Nawala ang presensiya ni Papa sa tabi ko at naramdaman kong nilapitan si Mama. I clenched my fist while looking into my man's eyes.
"S-Sabihin mong hindi totoo ang sinabi ng doktor kanina," sabi ko. "Sabihin mo sa'king wala kang kinalaman."
He bowed his head. "I-I'm sorry, love..."
The beating of my heart stopped. Umawang ang bibig ko.
"Sorry? Bakit ka nagso-sorry? Magsabi ka ng totoo! Hindi ikaw ang doktor na nagbigay ng gamot sa Mama ko! Aminin mo dahil palagi naman akong naniniwala sa'yo, Rue! 'Wag kang magsinungaling dahil hindi tayo gano'n sa isa't-isa!"
Tears fell from his swollen eyes. He looked guilty. Para akong binanlian ng nagbabagang yelo. I couldn't believe this.
"So... it's you? You were the one who gave the medicine? Mali ang gamot na naibigay mo kay Mama? Rue, 'yung totoo? I-Ikaw ba?" nanginginig at halos pabulong kong tanong.
He closed his eyes firmly. "Y-Yes..."
Isang beses akong napahakbang, paulit-ulit na umiling. I stared blankly at the clean nameplate of his uniform.
I don't believe him!
Like his clean uniform, I know he works cleanly too! Clean, just like my trust in him because I knew he would be a good physician! As spotless as my vision I hold of him becoming the man he desires to be!
He won't make errors. He always makes sure everything is where it should be. I look up to him because I'm always proud of him. Invariably. He knows how much pride I have in him.
"Imposibleng magkamali ka, Rue," iling ko. "H-Hindi ako naniniwala sa'yo."
"Rai, I didn't mean it. Forgive me..." umamba siyang kukunin ang kamay ko, pero bago niya pa ako maabot, bumagsak na ako sa sahig.
I covered my face and cried loudly and painfully. Ang sikip-sikip ng dibdib ko. Rue held me close and embraced me. Umiiyak na rin siya.
"Imposibleng magkamali ka! Imposibleng magkamali ka, Rue! Hindi ka magkakamali! And it's my mother and you wouldn't make mistakes with her! We trust you, and you wouldn't fail!"
He's hugging me desperately. Hinang-hina, pinagsasapak ko ang dibdib niya nang paulit-ulit. Sinalo niya lahat ng malalakas kong suntok. Fatigue stopped me from punching harder, but I continued weakily.
"Putangina, Rue, nanay ko 'yon!"
"Forgive me, Rai," he sobbed breathlessly. "Forgive me. Forgive me."
"Tinitingala ka naming lahat, pero bakit nagawa mong magkamali?! Tinitingala kita, Rue! Sobrang tiwala ako sa'yo! Pero bakit—putangina! Putangina, Rue! Ang gago-gago mo naman para magkamali! Ang gago-gago mo!"
It killed me. My mother's death, killed me.
Panay ang yakap ko kay Mama at halik sa kaniya. Ilang beses akong nagmakaawa sa Diyos na gisingin na siya. Hindi ko kaya. It was painful. Pinapatay ako ng sakit.
Hindi ko makayanan. My father was shouting in frustration. Hindi ko matingnan sa mukha ang mga taong yumayakap sa akin bunga ng matinding pag-iyak habang yakap pa rin ang Mama ko. There were loud cries, but my cries and my father's loud cries of grief were louder than the storm.
"Penelope!" Tita Kathrina's voice made me shudder. "No! You're not dead! Hindi ko matatanggap 'to!"
The burial happened in our house in Fairview. I didn't leave Mama's coffin. Naroon lang ako sa tabi, walang pakundangang umiiyak at inaalo ng mga taong sunod-sunod na dumarating. I even heard Lola's Lariana, Mama's mother, with her angry voice.
Hindi kami tumanggap ng taong makikisimpatya lang. We only welcome relatives and friends who are close to our hearts.
"Kumain na ba si Rai, Tito?" Narinig ko ang paos na boses ni Velvei.
"Hindi pa, hija. Ayaw kumain. Ayaw niyang ginagalaw siya. Gusto lang sa tabi ng Mama niya."
"She needs to eat, Tito. W-Wala ba rito ang boyfriend niya?"
"Wala. He's not allowed here."
I couldn't even find the strength to utter a word. Tatahan saglit, iiyak ulit. Tuwing nakikita ko ang mukha ni Mama, lalakas ang pag-iyak ko. Her face... looked peaceful. May maliit na ngiti sa labi at sobrang ganda.
Sa sumunod na mga araw, hindi tumigil sa pagdalo ang mga malalapit na kakilala ng aming pamilya. Whenever I hear condolences, it kills and hurt me repeatedly.
"Wala kaming kakayahan na pagaanin ang loob mo, pero nandito lang kami, Rai," Eris said comfortingly. "Pauwi na rin si Lav."
Maga ang mga mata ng apat. Binigyan nila ako ng upuan dahil nag-aalala silang mangawit ako katatayo. Limang araw na rin akong walang tulog at walang maayos na kain. Hindi ako pinapatulog ng matinding sakit.
"That family should be held accountable! Even if it's Irene's daughter's boyfriend, we'll put him in jail! I won't allow my daughter to be lost just because of a stupid mistake! Mga putang inang doktor!" Narinig ko ang galit na galit na sigaw ni Lolo Gavon.
Right. They should be held accountable. They will. No matter what it takes. They will.
Nakatulog ako sa upuan nang sampay ang ulo sa balikat ni Tita Kathrina. I heard screams in my head. Paggising ko, may nangyayari ng kumusyon sa labas.
"What's happening?" My head spun as I stood up.
"Somebody wants to come in," sagot ni Tita Arien.
Lumabas ako para malaman kung ano'ng nangyayari. When my sight reached the gate, I stopped.
Nagmamakaawa ang pamilya Vallejo na makapasok. My family is shouting insults at them.
"How dare you come here!" Tita Kathrina shouted at them. "You killed my sister! Umalis kayo rito!"
Whenever my mother is mentioned, I break. Tears would fall immediately. I felt damn vulnerable. Napakasakit.
Furious, we did not allow the Vallejos to enter.
Malupit ang bawat patak ng oras. I couldn't think right. Nakaupo lang ako, pero tila nagkalat ang mga piraso ng katawan ko. Walang-wala ang mga naranasan kong sakit sa pagkawala ng nag-iisa kong ina.
"Hindi pa rin ako makapaniwala," I heard Sovan's low voice from behind. "Si Rue 'yon e. Tangina, ilang taon na ba 'yon nag-aaral ng medisina? Magsasampong taon na. Tapos sa pagbibigay lang ng gamot magkakamali? Gago lang."
"Hindi pa natin alam ang buong kwento," mahinang sambit ni Jam pero rinig ko pa rin sila sa likuran ko. "Sure akong may back story kung bakit maling gamot ang naibigay niya. Pero punyeta, hindi ba dapat chini-check niya muna 'yon? Ang bobo naman niya?"
"Kaya nga, putanginang 'yan," Sab said frustratedly too. "Buhay ang nawala, si Tita Irene pa. Anong klaseng hospital 'yan? Magdodoktor ba talaga 'yang si Rue? Ang kapal naman ng mukha niya kung tutuloy pa siya sa pagdodoktor."
"Tangina niya," Eris hissed. "Hindi ko siya mapapatawad."
"Guys, Rai might hear us," pabulong na sabi ni Lava. "Let's just wait for what will happen in court. The Almendarez family will file a case. Galit din ako, but let's just wait for it first."
Rue was the one who did it. He was the one who made the error. He made a mistake.
"We can get through this pain, anak..."
Nakaupo ako sa kama, nakaluhod si Papa sa harap ko at umiiyak habang hawak-hawak ang dalawa kong kamay sa mga hita. Malabo ang mga mata ko dahil sa luha, pero kitang-kita ko ang paghihirap sa mukha ni Papa, na tulad ko, halos hindi na rin kayanin.
"Hindi ko kaya, Pa..." masakit sa dibdib na hikbi ko. "Hindi ko talaga kaya. S-Si Mama 'yon e..."
"Anak," umiiyak niyang tawag. "Kakayanin natin."
Napailing ako. "Hindi, Pa. Hindi ko kaya, Papa. Sobrang sakit, P-Pa,"
Hindi namin kaya na wala si Mama.
I filled the large room with my sobs. Naghagulgulan kaming dalawa ni Papa ulit. Napahiga ako sa kama habang paulit-ulit na isinisigaw ang pangalan ni Mama.
Putangina. Putangina! Si Mama pa talaga! Si Mama pa! Ang dami-daming masamang tao sa mundo, ang mabait ko pang ina!
"Isipin na lang natin na narito lang siya sa bahay, 'nak..." naramdaman ko ang pagtabi sa akin ni Papa at pagyapos niya sa akin. "She's just here. Her memories are here."
Pareho kaming nakatulog ni Papa nang umiiyak habang yakap niya ako.
My mother's last day of burial was very painful. I wore her white dress from when she was young. Walang buhay ang mga mata ko habang tinitingnan ang magandang repleksyon sa salamin.
This is the battle that I don't think I can win. I lost my mother, and that means I lost in this battle. Immediately.
"Hope,"
Napalingon ako nang tumulak pabukas ang pinto. Velvei's rushing towards me.
"'Wag ka munang bababa. Lola Ludivine is here."
I did not react. Nakatitig lang ako sa pinsan kong bihis na rin ng puting bestida.
"She's very angry," she said, panicking. "Nag-aaway sila ni Tito Harold."
I don't care about anyone's nonsense. Nilampasan ko si Velvei at lumabas. Hindi naman niya ako mahawak-hawakan kahit anong gawin niyang pigil.
"She might say something bad against you again! Grandma's sharp words might hurt you again, Rai!"
Kahit ano pa 'yan. Kahit gaano pa kasakit, walang-wala 'yan sa kumukulob na pagluluksa ko. Wala nang mas ikakasakit pa ang mawalan ng isang magulang.
"Do you think this is just an accident? Think, Harold! Think about what your family did that you're in this situation now!"
Ang nagkakagulo kong pamilya ang naabutan ko sa pagbaba. Si Sovan at Eris ang unang nakapansin sa akin. Wala ang tatlo.
"Ma, nakikiusap ako, 'wag dito." Pagod na pakiusap ni Papa kay Lola Ludivine. He's dressed in a white already.
"Puro kasi makasalanan ang pamilya niyo kaya ganito ang balik sainyo ng Diyos!"
"Tumigil ka nga, Ludivine! You're disrespecting my daughter's wake! Puro ka Diyos, basura naman 'yang pag-uugali mo!" Lola Lariana fired back.
"There, Lariana! Mga bulag kasi kayo!"
They noticed me as I stood on the side. Nabaling silang lahat sa akin. My other aunts and uncles were there too. Ang matandang galit na galit ay namumurong nilapitan ako.
I just stared at Lola Ludivine blankly.
"Leave my daughter alone, Mama," Papa threatened even though the old woman hadn't done anything to me yet. "Tigilan mo ang anak ko."
"See, Hope? Do you see this?" Her teeth were gritting. "Tingnan mo kung saan ka dinala?"
Ano bang pinagsasasabi nito?
"Pagod ho ang kaibigan namin," singit ni Eris. "Sana naman 'wag na kayong manermon dahil nakikita niyo naman sigurong nagluluksa siya."
"Shut up, little boy,"
"Twenty-six na po ako. I'm not a little boy, old woman."
Lola snapped at him. Bago pa siya magsalita, pumagitna na ang saway din ni Lolo.
"Tigilan mo ang apo ko, Ludivine. Don't throw Bible verses at her because you have them memorized, but you don't apply them to yourself. Hope has nothing to do with you."
"Look what's happening, Hope?" Lola said, unbothered.
I'm dying inside. My father looked stressed. We are depressed about what's happening. I don't want to deal with her.
"This is what I have been telling you!"
Sana bumangon si Mama at kaladkarin siya paalis sa pamamahay na 'to.
"That's your karma! Kaya ka nawalan ng ina, dahil makasalanan ka! Kasalanan mo kung bakit siya nawala!"
Nagpantig ang mga tenga ko. Hindi ko inaasahan na 'yon ang sunod kong maririnig. I felt weak and angrier.
"Amputanginang matanda na 'to! Tumigil ka na!" Sigaw ni Sov na hindi na nakapagpigil.
I heard numerous gasps. Hinawakan ako ni Eris at Sov paalis. The old woman looked horrifyingly shocked.
I never break my gaze with her.
"Fuck you, Ludivine," I said weakly, yet empathetically.
I looked lifeless while cherishing the last moment with my mother. There were speeches from every person who is very important to her. Ang huli, ako.
I didn't give a speech, instead, I wrote a letter for her and read it.
"To the best woman in my world, thank you, my queen.
You brought me into this world despite there being a storm.
In my eyes, you reign as a queen, but you made me sit on your beautiful throne.
You're the only woman in my heart who always sees me like I am an art masterpiece.
You taught me how to love correctly. I learned from you to accept myself as I am.
Braveness always comes first to you, and I learn it from you too."
I was able to smile, finally, while looking at her peaceful face.
"My guardian amidst vulnerabilities, my hero of my unseen weaknesses, my defender of my deafening struggles, my armor against all the battles.
Thank you for all the meals prepared with your love, for making me laugh, and for providing me with the fruitful life I deserved.
Thank you for always putting me first. I wouldn't be successful without you, Ma.
I love you, like the waters that always tirelessly intersect on the shore.
I will never get tired of coming to you, and your door."
My letter was lengthy, but I read it clearly. When they closed the coffin, I was the one with the loudest sob.
"Saglit! Saglit lang po! Isang tingin pa! Isang tingin pa po sa Mama ko!" I said beggingly to the men.
Pinagbigyan nila ako ng oportunidad. They opened it again, and for the last time, I kissed the glass and hugged it. Niyakap ako ni Papa na iyak din nang iyak.
Losing a mother was the worst pain. Ang sakit-sakit. Why do good parents have to be taken away from their children? Why do I have to experience this kind of agony?
I put roses on the coffin while it was slowly being buried in the soil. Nang isa-isa nang magpaalam ang mga kaibigan at kamag-anakan, unti-unti akong tumahan.
Tangina, Lord. Ibang klase ka. Ang sama mo. Sobrang sama mo. Mas pinili mong kunin ang nanay ko na walang ibang ginawa kundi mahalin ako—kami ng tatay ko. Ano'ng klase ka at bakit ka pa tinawag na Diyos.
"Attorney," tumayo si Dad sa tabi ko nang sagutin ang isang tawag. "Yes. My daughter is with me. Kalilibing lang ng asawa ko."
Huminga ako nang malalim at pinunasan ang patak ng luha sa pisngi. Mahinang nagpaalam si Papa. I was left alone sitting beside the newly placed tombstone.
"Miss na kita, Ma," I breathed. "Gusto kong sabihin na madaya ka, pero sila ang madaya e. Kinuha ka sa'kin. Kinuha ka sa amin ni Papa."
We even had a family dinner together. 'Yon pala, 'yon na ang huli. We were so happy that night. Palagi namang ganoon ang pamilya namin, masaya.
Hindi ako masasanay na wala si Mama. I'll miss her sending me food so I don't have to cook. Ang pagtatanggol niya sa akin bagaman kaya kong ipagtanggol ang sarili. She's the one who will speak out and stand up for me without hesitation. Ayaw na ayaw niyang nasasaktan ako.
Pero... paano na ngayong wala na siya? I'm old enough to take care of myself, but her care is always exceptional. I want to always update her on what's going on with me, say 'I love yous' randomly, make jokes around her, and hug her.
Nagkait bigla ang langit. Kinuha siya sa akin.
Ilang oras akong naroon bago napagdesisyunang tumayo na. Sa paglalakad ko, nakasalubong ko ang mapupungay na mga mata ni Rue.
I stopped from faint walking. Hindi pa ako nakalalayo sa puntod.
"Rai," mahina niyang sambit sa pangalan ko. "Can we talk?"
He looked lifeless. Isang beses niyang tinanaw ang puntod at kita ko ang matindi niyang panlulumo. His eyes sparkled.
I didn't talk. I just bypassed him, but he immediately grabbed my forearm. Literal kong naramdaman ang mainit na kuryente roon. Galit ko siyang hinarap.
"Rai, patawarin mo ako. Hindi ko gusto ang nangyari. P-Patawarin mo ako," he said desperately and let go of my arm.
Buong lakas kong sinampal ang palad sa pisngi niya. It turned his face to the side. Dagli ang pamumula no'n.
"Ang kapal ng mukha mong pumunta pa rito at lapitan ako!"
He bowed his head.
"Putang ina, Rue! Kahit ilang beses kang magmakaawa sa'kin, hindi mo na maibabalik ang buhay ng nanay ko! Sa tingin mo, kung patatawarin kita, mabubuhay siya?! Kung patatawarin ko ang buong pamilya niyo, mayayakap ko ba siya ulit?! B-Babalik ba ulit sa amin si Mama?! Maipagluluto niya ba ulit kami?! Makakasama ko ba siya?!"
Slowly, he knelt down in front of me. A white and red rose fell beside my feet as he hugged my thighs.
"I-I know, baby, you can't forgive. I made an error. I was stupid. Tangina, kung sana..." he trailed off because he was sobbing uncontrollably. "I will pay for that mistake. Kahit mabulok ako sa kulungan, pananagutan ko. I deserve it. Maghihintay ako ro'n hanggang mapatawad mo ako. Doon ako maghihintay sa kapatawaran mo."
I clenched my fists.
"Rue, putangina, Rue. Sa lahat ng kamalian, sa nanay ko pa. Sa lahat ng pwede mong maging mali, sa tao pang mahal na mahal ko. Putangina." Humihikbi kong sabi.
Hinigpitan niya ang yakap sa akin. His sobs were heartbreaking. Mas lalo pa akong pinahagulgol ng malalakas niyang iyak.
"No matter how many times you beg me and cry in front of me, you can't bring my mother back to life!"
I forgot about him the whole time I was in the wake of my mother's. But now, seeing him in front of me, I feel furious. Unti-unting bumangon ang galit at para ako nitong tinutupok.
"If only I checked the drugs first-"
"You killed my mother!" I shouted.
He stopped. My dress was already wet from his tears.
"Naririnig mo ba ako, Rue? Pinatay mo ang Mama ko! Namatay siya dahil sa kapabayaan mo! You killed her! So stop fucking asking for forgiveness because I will never forgive you until my death!"
I pushed him with all might, until he could no longer hold onto me. Naiwan siyang nakaluhod doon sa tirik na initan ng kalsada, hinang-hina, umiiyak, desperado, at gusto akong abutin.
"Hindi ka magiging magaling na doktor, Rue. Mamamatay tao ka."
Rue killed my mother... and that killed me too.