Present
There is nothing worse than a hangover. But I think Charles had it worse when he woke up on that couch. Because he groaned loudly, which woke me up. I had fallen asleep in the armchair with my God awful boots on and my legs thrown over the armrest and my head rested on the backrest. I opened my eyes and saw Charles with his head straight into the pillow.
He groaned again and I sighed, because I wasn't feeling that well either, but I did know that he probably wanted to die right about now. He finally lifts his head and he looks slightly shocked to see me there. I tiredly looked at him and then rubbed my eyes. He opened his mouth, and then he closed it again, and then he opened it just to let out a grunt.
"Que se passe-t-il?" What is going on?
"Tu es sur ton lit de mort," You are on your deathbed, I replied.
"Ceci explique cela." That explains it.
Next thing is Arthur opening the door to his and Carla's bedroom and they both walk out of there with pajamas and messy hair. None of them look half as bad as Charles and I do. I only look bad because I didn't take my makeup off or change out of my 70's party outfit. I bet I look like I haven't looked in a mirror since the 70's either.
Charles looks like he's never seen a mirror and that he's about to purchase a casket. If I know him correctly it would have the Monegasque flag on it.
Carla and Arthur look at us, and it hits me that they weren't here when we got here, so that means they walked in and saw us both sleeping like that and they didn't wake me up or even tell me to take my boots off. So I gave them a glare and I pulled my legs closer to me to try to get my boots off. Carla saw me struggling and walked over to help me pull them off.
"Ce qui est arrivé la nuit dernière?" What happened last night? Arthur laughed and put his hand on his brother's back.
"Laisse-moi tranquille," Leave me alone, Charles replied into the pillow.
"Tu sais que nous avons un dîner de répétition ce soir, n'est-ce pas ?" You know we have a rehearsal dinner tonight, right? Carla asked, making Charles fake cry into the pillow.
"Et nos parents arrivent dans environ cinq heures," And our parents are coming in about five hours, Arthur added happily, which made Charles and I groan in unison.
Carla looked between us with her eyes furrowed, "Je pense que tes parents sont adorables, qu'est-ce qui ne va pas chez toi ?" I think your parents are lovely, what is the matter with you?
I get out of the armchair and feel like I want to bang my head against the wall while my intestines rearrange themselves, and then I start walking towards the little kitchen. I need water to make myself feel better so that I can talk to my parents without being a monster.
"Ma mère m'aime un peu moins depuis que Charles et moi avons rompu," My mother has loved me a little less ever since Charles and I broke up, I reply.
"Ma mère t'aime assez pour eux deux après notre rupture," My mother loves you enough for the both of them after you and I broke up, Charles replies tiredly. "Mais elle m'aime beaucoup moins." She likes me significantly less though.
"Ce n'est pas vrai!" That is not true! Carla exclaims, "Vous êtes leurs enfants, ils vous aiment de la même manière, peu importe qui vous voyez." You're their children, they love you just the same no matter who you're seeing.
"Non, ils ne le font pas," No they don't, Arthur replies while shaking his head, "Mais je ne me plains pas, ils m'aiment encore plus maintenant." I'm not complaining though, they love me even more now.
Charles finally turns around on the couch and sees the glass of water. He reaches for it and in a few big gulps it's gone. I throw him a packet of paracetamol while I walk past him and I hear him open it while someone gives him another glass of water. I just go into my bedroom and I change into some more comfortable clothes and I take off the makeup from last night. I look at the tattoos I got the night before to make sure they look okay. I really like the new tattoos.
I throw my hair up and realize I will need to shower sometime before my parents arrive. When I walk back out to the living room, Charles is actually sitting up, which has made him look a bit green. Arthur and Carla are looking on with both fright and disgust.
"Tu peux aller prendre le petit déjeuner, je peux m'assurer qu'il reste en vie," You can go have breakfast, I can make sure he stays alive, I say to them and they nod as they hurry down the stairs in their pajamas. "Apportez-moi un petit-déjeuner s'il vous plaît !" Bring some breakfast back for me please!
Charles finally stands up and I cautiously watch him as he starts walking toward the bathroom. He locks himself in there, so I go to work on getting myself back to feeling at least a little okay. Then I hear Charles doing what he should've done last night. Empty his whole body from what the fuck was in it. I grimace as I continue applying my face mask as I sip on a big water bottle with big ice cubes in it.
When Charles finally comes out of there, he comes into my room with his toothbrush in his mouth and a tired look on his face as his hair is covering his forehead. I give him a sympathetic look. He walks in and collapses on my bed and I can smell the hangover on him as he passes me. I turn to him and he lies on his back while very lazily brushing his teeth.
"Ca va?" You okay?
"Qu'en penses-tu?" What do you think?
"Eh bien, pourquoi as-tu autant bu ?" Well, why did you drink so much?
"Je ne sais pas? Je ne pensais pas avoir autant bu jusqu'à ce que ça me frappe d'un seul coup... Je ne me souviens même pas comment je suis arrivé sur le canapé." I don't know? I didn't think I drank that much until it hit me all at once... I don't even remember how I made it to the couch.
"Pierre t'a déposé là-bas et m'a dit de te surveiller." Pierre dumped you there and told me to keep an eye on you.
"Désolé," Sorry, he says, which reminds me that he told me that yesterday and I still don't know why. I don't think I can ask him though, because he doesn't even remember. Might be because I had to take care of him, who knows?
"De rien." It's fine.
He kept brushing his teeth in silence and I was kind of hoping he would leave because I found the silence kind of awkward, and I didn't know what to say. Things were so awkward between us after yesterday when he decided I shouldn't be talking to Francesco.
After five minutes of silence, where I finished my face mask and sat on my phone, then starting to wonder if Charles fell asleep and was going to choke on the toothpaste, he actually did get up and walked into the bathroom to rinse. Then he came back and leaned on the doorframe.
"Nos parents viennent aujourd'hui," Our parents are coming today, he points out.
"Je suis conscient" I am aware, I reply.
"Oui, et je sais qu'on en a parlé plus tôt, mais il faudrait vraiment essayer de continuer à s'entendre même s'ils supposent des choses et ce sera ennuyeux." Yes, and I know we talked about it earlier, but we should really try to still get along even though they'll be assuming things and it'll be annoying.
"Oui, Charles, je n'essaye pas de me battre avec toi," Yes, Charles, I'm not looking to pick a fight with you, I reply to him, but my voice accidentally comes out a lot more frustrated and annoyed than I thought it would.
"Je m'en assure juste !" I'm just making sure! he replies with the same amount of frustration. "On ne peut pas se disputer dans les prochains jours... c'est le dîner, puis le mariage... on n'a pas le temps de commencer les disputes." We can't cause a scene in the next few days... it's the dinner, then the wedding... we don't have the time to start arguments.
"Ce n'est pas comme si je l'avais prévu." It's not like I've planned on it.
"Je ne l'ai pas fait non plus à aucune des autres fois où nous nous sommes disputés, je dis juste!" I didn't either any of the other times we've gotten into an argument, I'm just saying!
"Étant donné que je suis celui qui est du mauvais côté de l'ultimatum d'Arthur, vous n'avez pas à vous inquiéter pour moi..." Considering I am the one on the bad end of Arthur's ultimatum, you do not have to worry about me... I said and stood up, walking over to sit down on my bed instead, further away from the door, but he took a few steps into the room.
"Pourquoi donnes-tu l'impression que c'est moi qui commence la dispute? Je n'aime pas non plus cet ultimatum." Why are you making it sound like I would be the one to stir up an argument? I don't like this ultimatum either, he argues.
"Je n'ai jamais dit ça, je ne voulais pas dire ça, je dis juste que je ne discuterai pas avec toi," I never said that, I didn't mean that, I am just saying that I won't argue with you, I answer tiredly. He breathes heavily and looks like he wants to throw up again, so I just sigh and figure I'm going to get this conversation over. "Nous ne pouvons pas discuter, donc si nous parlons et qu'il y a même un ton légèrement négatif ou une voix élevée, nous nous éloignons les uns des autres et nous laissons tomber." We can't argue, so if we talk and there is even a slightly negative tone or raised voice, we walk away from each other and we let it go.
He sighs and then silently nods. I nod as well and then I lay back to prepare for my parents' arrival. I'm a bit too tired for this conversation to go any further, and after a little while I hear Charles finally leaving my room and closing the door behind him.
—
At three thirty in the afternoon, I was dressed in a nice sundress and my hair was in a long braid down my back and I had done everything and more to make sure I look put together enough to not have my parents point out that I need to take care of myself and not make myself feel sick the day of the rehearsal dinner and the day before the wedding.
I walked into the backyard and through the main house to the front of the house where there were staff members decorating ahead of the dinner and the wedding. The brothers, Carla and Charlotte were already standing there, and I walked out just in time for the car to roll in.
Dad helped Mom out of the car while Lorenzo ran over to help his Mom. Francesco and a cousin of Charlotte took their bags immediately. I took a deep breath and I put a smile on my face as I hurried down the stairs to my parents who had just spotted me. Both of their faces lit up as I walked towards them.
"Oh, ma douce fille, comment vas-tu?" Oh, my sweet girl, how are you? My mom asked as she wrapped her arms around me tightly. "Vous faites encore pousser vos cheveux?" Are you growing out your hair again?
"I'm fine mom, how are you?" I'm good mom, how are you? I say, ignoring her question about my hair. I know she's always liked my hair longer, and she was definitely not a fan when I cut it a couple years ago. I turned to Dad while Mom told me all about how her body is aching from getting old, and I wish she would stop talking about the fact that she's getting older, because I refuse to believe that she's going to leave me one day. "Papa, comment vas-tu?" Dad, how are you? I ask while I hug him too.
"Je vais bien chérie," I'm alright sweetheart, he replies softly with a smile. "Comment vas-tu cette semaine? Beaucoup de trucs de mariage?" How have you been this week? Lots of wedding stuff?
"Oui, mais revoir tout le monde a été vraiment sympa." Yes, but seeing everyone again has been really nice.
"Céline!" Pascale squeals behind me after she's greeted all of her sons. I turn to her and she comes running and she grabs my face and she kisses my cheeks. She holds on to my face and she smiles. "Regardez ce bronzage! Quand as-tu eu des taches de rousseur?! Tes jambes sont si fines maintenant... tu es de plus en plus magnifique à chaque fois que je te vois!" Look at that tan! When did you get freckles?! Your legs are so lean now... you got more and more gorgeous everytime I see you!
"Ce qui n'arrive pas très souvent," Which isn't very often, my mom points out in a bit of a dig towards the fact that I rarely go home to visit anymore, except for holidays and special occasions. To be fair, they don't really come to see me either.
Pascale links her arm with me and walks me towards the house with my parents following us. I look over at Arthur and Charles who just laugh, because I bet they are relieved that they aren't dragged with them into the house. I give them a glare while I follow them into the house, ignoring my mom talking about how she thinks I always should have kept it longer because it looks nicer and she's always loved my long hair.
Lorenzo and Charlotte come with us to show them where they are going to stay. I look behind us and I see Charles, Arthur and Carla walking further behind, waving teasingly over at me. I roll my eyes and I continue pretending to listen to our parents' gossip. When we get to their assigned apartment, like the one I share with Arthur, Carla and Charles but with one less room, Pascale finally lets go of me as she keeps looking through the apartment.
"We should sit down and have a glass of wine," My mom suggests in English to make sure we don't leave Charlotte out.
"I can make someone from the kitchen come out here with one," Charlotte suggests.
"Oh thank you darling," Pascale says.
"Unfortunately... I have to steal Céline away from you to help me with some dinner preparations," she adds, linking her arm in mine to pull me from Pascale.
"That is fine my dear, we have all evening with her," My mom says as she waves her hand dismissively.
As soon as we get out of there, I sigh and relax, let go of my posture that my mom always points out and I walk arm in arm with Charlotte, slouching as I groan loudly from my hangover that I pretended didn't exist while interacting with my parents. I am twenty five and I still get lectured by my parents. I care a little less though, but sometimes I feel like it's better to just do what I can to avoid it.
"Grazie per questo," Thank you for that, I sigh.
"Non preoccuparti, ho bisogno che le mie damigelle siano in buona salute, fisica e mentale," No worries, I need my bridesmaids in good health, physical and mental, she replies. "Assicurati solo di sembrare occupato se i tuoi genitori sono nei paraggi," Just make sure to look busy if your parents are around, she adds before she walks away to follow Lorenzo back to the house.
So for the rest of the afternoon I avoided our parents, sitting in the shadow coming from a tree with Carla and Arthur a bit further away from the backyard. Charles was most likely in the apartment trying to sleep his hangover off before the dinner. My own way of getting rid of mine was downing a big bottle of water while sitting under that tree.
The sun start setting, so Carla and I went to my bedroom to get ready for the dinner together. Charlotte was getting ready with Lorenzo for the last time before becoming husband and wife. I couldn't believe we were a few hours from their wedding day. By this time tomorrow they will be husband and wife busting it down on the dancefloor.
Carla and I couldn't stop thinking about it. Charlotte had become like a big sister to us ever since she started dating Lorenzo. Even when Charles and I broke up and it was clear we would never become sister in laws, she was still incredibly kind and supportive. And she's marrying a guy that feels as much as an older brother as Jules did. Which sounds weird because they're marrying each other but let's pretend it's not. They're just truly two of the most important people to me and we agreed that it's 100% inevitable that we cry during the wedding.
My makeup was a bit tanned and dewy, I put my hair up in a half up half down and I put on the soft peach colored mini dress with off shoulder long sleeves. The sleeves were tight and see through but a little wider toward the end. It was the same color as the bridesmaids dress Charlotte picked out for me. I put my heels on and sat down on the bed while I waited for Carla to finish getting dressed.
I am sipping on a drink through a little straw when Arthur burst through the door. I hold a hand up and I point towards the door he just walked through.
"Ma copine est là!" My girlfriend is here! he argued.
"Ce n'est pas important! Terrain sacré!" Doesn't matter! Sacred ground!
"Alors pourquoi Charles peut-il venir ici?" Why can Charles be in here then? he asks while his eyebrows shoot up.
"Il n'est pas censé le faire!" He's not supposed to!
Conveniently, Charles walks in behind Arthur, trying to figure out his bowtie. He looks confused down at what he's doing, not even listening to the argument between Arthur and I.
"Je n'arrive pas à avoir ce nœud papillon!" I can't get this bow tie! He exclaims in heavy frustration.
"Alors n'en porte pas," Then don't wear one, Arthur shrugs, looking at his brother while he's struggling.
"C'est le mariage de ton frère, bien sûr tu vas porter un nœud papillon!" It's your brother's wedding, of course you're going to wear a bowtie! I exclaim.
"Je ne porterai pas de nœud papillon!" I am not wearing a bowtie! Arthur replies, leaning forward as he grimaces at me. I scoff and return to sipping my drink through the tiniest straw known to man, making it take forever.
Carla bursts through the bathroom door and immediately walks towards Arthur and pulls the bow tie out of the pocket of his jacket. "hhh" The only reason he's not wearing it is because he doesn't know how to tie it either, she says as she starts to help him with it.
"Pourriez-vous m'aider avec le mien après ça?" Could you help me with mine after that? Charles asks. Carla turns to look at me and gives a nod in my direction as if I should help him. I just giggle with my straw in my mouth as I shake my head.
"Nuh-uh, ce n'est plus ma responsabilité," Nuh-uh, that's no longer my responsibility, I reply, making Carla step away from Arthur, taking the glass from me, leaving me with only the straw hanging from between my lips.
"Je pense que vous en avez assez de ça, et que vous devez m'aider avec ces enfants!," I think you've had enough of those, and you need to help me out with these children! She argues as she pulls me up and towards Charles.
I take the bowtie from Charles and I put it around his neck and I start tying the bowtie for him like I've done dozens of times before. He adjusts his neck and he puts a finger between his collar and the tie at one point, making it difficult for me to finish. I blow through the tiny straw in the direction of his face to make little drops fly into his face. He takes the straw and throws it over his shoulder, so I tie it extra tight.
He immediately starts shifting, "C'est trop serré." It's too tight.
"Alors retiens juste ton souffle," Then just hold your breath, I reply. He gives me a tired look and I sigh and roll my eyes jokingly as I adjust the tie to fit his big stupid Formula 1 neck.
"Merci," he says when it's all good, and out of habit, I adjust the collar on his shirt along with the collar on his jacket. When I catch myself doing it, I step away from him and I take the drink that Carla stole from me back, and I finish it.
"Essayez-vous d'être la tante ivre au dîner de répétition?" Are you trying to be the drunk aunt at the rehearsal dinner? Arthur asks.
"Je ne sais pas, tu essaies de me dire quelque chose?" I don't know, are you trying to tell me something? I ask in return.
We all leave my room that is not so sacred anymore and we head over to the big tent set up on the grass. It's a translucent tent so that you can kind of see inside as you're walking towards it. We can see the big sign outside that says their name and all of the light decorations inside along with the blobs that are flowers on the tables.
People haven't gotten seated yet, so we join the mingling outside the tent, waiting for Lorenzo and Charlotte to make their grand entrance together. We're handed champagne glasses, and the second after I'm handed one, Charles takes it from me and gives it to some random guest who is just arriving as well and he wishes him a good evening as he walks off. I slap his arm and I walk away from him, heading for Francesco instead. He wouldn't deprive me of champagne on such a lovely evening.
He sees me without a champagne glass as I'm approaching and he gets one from a table for me and hands it to me as I reach him. I smile widely as a thank you and I take a sip from it.
"Sei carino," You look nice, he says.
"Non c'è bisogno che tu lo dica davvero, ne ho abbastanza di cercare di-" You really don't have to say that, I'm so done with trying to-
"Fai attenzione a quello che dici dopo, è proprio lì" Be careful with your next sentence, he's about to walk past us, he takes a step closer to whisper to me. The second he takes a step back, a hand sweeps in and takes the champagne from me. I look over and see Charles walking away with it.
"Avrei dovuto lasciare il suo papillon troppo stretto," I should've left his bowtie too tight, I say as I cross my arms over my chest.
"Oh, sai come annodare un papillon?" Oh, you know how to tie a bowtie? Francesco says, pretending to be impressed. I just roll my eyes and chuckle, seeing as how Charles has no interest in knowing what the hell Francesco and I are talking about. These other past two times have probably been coincidences that he's been close, listening or looking over.
"Non devi farlo, è laggiù a parlare con quella coppia di anziani," You don't have to do this, he's over there talking to that older couple, I tell Francesco, making him look over.
"Il che mi ricorda... dovresti incontrare i genitori della sposa," Which reminds me... you should meet the parents of the bride, he says and hold his arm out for me to take. I take it and he leads me in the direction of Charles. Soon I realize that Charles is talking to Charlotte and Francesco's parents. "Mamma, papà, questa è Céline, la damigella d'onore e portatrice dell'anello," Mom, Dad, this is Céline, the bridesmaid and ringbearer, he introduces me to his parents.
I kiss next to their cheeks and smile as politely as I can, "È bello incontrarti finalmente," It's nice to finally meet you, I say.
"Siamo così entusiasti di incontrarti finalmente," We're so excited to finally meet you, their father says with a warm smile.
"Sei bellissima stasera... presto Charlotte sarà la damigella d'onore al tuo matrimonio, credo." You look beautiful tonight... soon Charlotte will be the bridesmaid at your wedding I think, their Mom adds as she holds on to my hands. They're a bit older than my parents, but only by like a decade or so.
"Grazie" Thank you, I reply, "Ma non c'è ancora un futuro marito per me," But there's no future husband for me as of yet, I add with a careful laugh.
"Non posso crederci!" I can't believe it! She exclaims, "Una brava donna come te dovrebbe avere uno scapolo dopo l'altro," A fine woman like you should have bachelor after bachelor lining up, she jokes. Or at least I think she jokes. She smiling widely anyway. "Vuoi sposarti?" Do you want to get married? She asks.
Nosy woman.
I stutter a bit at first as I see Francesco just walking away to some other guests, "Penso di sì, se sarà il momento giusto," I think so, if the time is right, I finally reply.
She then turns her attention to Charles as well and she looks between us. Charles and I exchange a look, and then he gives me back the glass of champagne that he stole for me. Thank God. It would feel so wrong to walk away from this woman who is so invested in our lives. How could we ever deprive her of our personal feelings and morals about wedding and family?
"E tu, giovanotto? Vuoi sposarti?" How about you young man? Do you want to get married? she asks Charles and he smiles his soft charming smile at her.
"Forse un giorno," Maybe one day, he shrugs lightly.
"Bambini? Sarebbero bellissimi con quei tuoi occhi verdi," Children? They'd be beutiful with those green eyes of yours, she says, still laughing that laugh that makes it impssoible to feel uncomfortable enough to want to leave her there. I tell myself it's the fact that her daughter is getting married that makes her strike up these conversations. Maybe she wants to know how the family her daughter is marrying into is going to look. She may know them I'm very intertwined in that family, I don't know.
"No," Charles shakes his head, keeping that same smile on his face. My head snaps in his direction and I can barely hide the shock on my face.
"No? Niente bambini?" No? No children? She asks, also a bit shocked. "Che peccato, ma immagino che con il tuo lavoro sia ragionevole," What a shame, but I guess with your line of work it's reasonable, she adds before she continues talking about working hours and all the travelling and the danger of the sport and all that jazz.
While she keeps talking, I start to feel a little weird. I keep staring at Charles from the shock of his sudden confession. He's been wanting to have kids for a long time. I remember how he was when Chiara was born, let alone what happened when he found out that Marta was pregnant with Chiara. He seemed to want kids so badly he would do anything. He was twenty five and ready to commit at that young age.
I guess he's lucky he didn't, because he changed his mind. Imagine if he would have changed his mind too late and he would have had a child right now that he wouldn't want. He met my eyes after a while, and then he quickly looked away and I zoned back to the conversation I was in. My chest was getting a bit heavy and I couldn't explain why.
I excused myself from the conversation and I started walking away from the three of them, looking for Pierre somewhere in the crowd. I found him just in time for Charlotte and Lorenzo's entrance. Their official wedding weekend entrance.
White confetti popped with some balloons floating in the air. Lorenzo and Charlotte held hands as they walked down the stairs from the house. Charlotte was in a really nice, white mini dress with long sleeved lace arms. She had a really nice updo and she looked super classy in the dress. Lorenzo was wearing a fancy gray suit, and they waved with big smiles as they came down to the rest of the guests and told us to go inside the tent and get seated.
There were long tables for all the guests, and I was seated on Lorenzo's side. Charlotte had both her parents next to her and Lorenzo had Pascale next to him. To make it even, considering Hervé can't be here, I got to take his seat next to Pascale. It evened out the groomsmen and bridesmaid seating arrangements. I had Charles on the other side of me and then my parents right in front of us. Arthur was on the other side of Charles.
Charlotte and Lorenzo held a lovely speech to thank us all for coming and that the wedding weekend had officially started while we all toasted. The first course was served and some speeches were held between the first and the main course. My parents were too busy catching up with Charles and Arthur while I spoke to Pascale. She told me she'd come and visit for a weekend or so, and even though I knew it probably wouldn't happen, I told her she was very welcome to do that.
After the main course was served and eaten, Charles was handed a microphone and he stood up and cleared his voice to get everyone's attention.
"Hello everyone! I will keep this as short as I can so you don't get bored of me before the weekend is over," Charles starts to get the crowd laughing, which they do. He takes a deep breath and he meets my eyes for a split second before he looks down at his cheat sheet on the table. "Who would have thought that my brother could find someone as loving and caring as Charlotte? I can tell you right away that this side of the table didn't," he continues, motioning at me, Arthur and some friends of Lorenzo sitting on the other side of Arthur.
"All jokes aside... Lorenzo has always been the best brother one could ever ask for. To me and to Arthur, and when Céline needed someone to annoy her... he was always there. While we've been trying to navigate the twists and turns from our cars, Lorenzo has managed to navigate the twist and turns to his beautiful and loving future wife. He has always been the most supportive brother, a rock in our family, and I think he'll be happy to claim the title 'Man of the house' after this weekend. He has big shoes to fill, but I don't doubt for a second that he would be the perfect man to do it. Dad is proud of you, Enzo, he's very proud, and I am sure he would have loved Charlotte as well. He would have grabbed your arm and told you firmly to not let her go. I wish you the happiest of marriages and the happiest life together."
He then held his glass up and we all toasted for them. "I also hope Arthur can switch his single seater for a double soon so that we can gather like this again!" he added, nudging his brother's shoulder.
Dessert came in and I ate it in silence, very deep in my own thoughts at that point. What did Charles want? When he was with me he had talked so much about what he wanted in the future, and all of a sudden he wants none of it? All of a sudden he's changed his mind. Did he just tell me he wanted those things because he thought it would please me and now all of a sudden he doesn't have to? Did he lie to me or did he realize that's not what he wanted afterwards? He didn't mention anything of getting married himself, not even a little hint of wanting to.
"Céline!" My mother raised her voice which got me out of my thoughts.
"Quoi?" I asked.
"Ta cousine va avoir un autre bébé, j'ai oublié de te le dire," Your cousin is having another baby, I forgot to tell you, she said. This weird sensation in my body just filled me to the point where I didn't even know what was going on. Was I jealous? Not really. Was I angry? maybe, but why? Was I sad? Why would I be sad?
"Comme c'est gentil," How nice, I replied as I took the napkin off my lap and put it on the table, "Je dois aller me repoudrer le nez, je reviens tout de suite," I need to go powder my nose, I'll be right back, said before I walked away and out of the tent.
I headed to the apartment and I rushed up the stairs. I just needed a few seconds to myself to gather my thoughts, take a deep breath and then come back out. I needed to figure out why I was feeling so weird ever since Charles admitted he doesn't want kids anymore. Maybe it's the fact that he would go to such lengths to have a baby, like not using protection without telling me, and then suddenly turn around and not want a baby.
It was one of the nails in the coffin for our relationship. It was one of the things I have considered a reason why it didn't work out for us. He was ready for something I wasn't, and he didn't communicate when he wanted a change. And now it feels like I spent nights awake worrying over it so useless, because all of a sudden he just doesn't want kids anymore.
It doesn't even involve me, I have no say in it and it doesn't affect me one bit, I shouldn't be getting so worked up about a choice he's made.
I stand by the kitchen island with my palms to the counter and my head tiredly hanging between my shoulders when someone walks in and up the stairs. I look up and see just the man I don't want to see. In his suit and his bowtie, standing there with an almost crossed look on his face.
"Ca c'était quoi?" What was that? He asks.
"C'était quoi quoi?" What was what? I ask in return.
"Tu fuis juste le dîner de répétition de mon frère," You're just running away from my brother's rehearsal dinner, he says, using his hand to motion in the direction of the party.
"Je vais revenir, j'ai besoin d'une pause," I'm going to come back, I need a break, I explain as I roll my head to stretch out my neck a bit. I hear Charles sigh and I bend forward to put my elbows on the counter instead. "Si c'est ta mère qui t'envoie, dis-lui que je vais bien et qu'elle me lâche." If your mother sent you, tell her I'm fine and to get off my back.
"Elle ne l'a pas fait," She didn't, he stated firmly. I just give a quick hum in response.
"Tu peux y retourner si tu veux, j'y serai bientôt," You can go back if you want to, I'll be there soon, I say after a few moments of that awkward silence.
He shakes his head slowly, "Non, je m'assure que tu reviens." No, I'm making sure you're coming back.
I just stand up straight and I lean towards the counter behind me instead. I lean the back of my head against a cupboard and I look at Charles closely as there's only a faint warm light hitting him. His neck is still getting a little thicker, but not as much as before. He has a little bit more facial hair than he did before. Well... he was starting to get a little more when we broke up, but it looks more mature now. His angry face is the same, his hair looks the same, though there is something so different about him from the Charles that I used to know.
He catches me staring at him and he sighs. "Quoi?"
"Rien," Nothing, I say while I shake my head. "Certaines parties de vous sont si différentes maintenant, et certaines parties de vous sont toujours exactement les mêmes." Some parts of you are so different now, and still some parts of you are exactly the same.
"Que veux-tu dire?" What do you mean?
"Tu as juste beaucoup changé depuis," You've just changed a lot since then, I reply with a shrug. I don't have to clarify what time period I'm talking about because he already knows.
"Comme si tu ne l'avais pas fait?" Like you haven't? He shoots back defensively.
"Je n'ai pas dit que non!" I didn't say I haven't! I defend myself, "Je ne le pensais pas non plus de manière négative." I also didn't mean it in a negative way.
"Alors comment?" Then how?
"Je ne sais pas?" I don't know? I reply at first. I sigh and then I start picking at my nails and focus my eyes on that instead of at him. "Je suis juste surpris... Je pensais que tu voulais vraiment des enfants et maintenant-" I'm just surprised... I thought you really wanted kids and now-
"Pourquoi est-ce important pour toi?" Why does that matter to you? He cuts me off, making me look up at him a little shocked. I didn't expect him to get that defensive about it. There is no softness in the Charles that I am looking at and it kind of hurts.
"Ce ne est pas!" It doesn't! I shoot back, starting to feel stupid for even bringing it up to him.
"Alors pourquoi tu en parles ?" Then why are you talking about it? he asks, now starting to motion with his arm again.
"Je suis juste curieux de savoir comment tu voulais tellement d'enfants que tu as arrêté de me protéger sans me le dire, mais maintenant tu ne veux plus d'enfants ? Tu fais ce que tu veux, ce ne sont pas mes affaires, je-," I'm just curious how you wanted kids so bad you stopped using protection with me without telling me but now you suddenly don't want kids? You do whatever you want, it's none of my business I just- I rant with my emotions in my throat, because there's that part of me that wants to believe that maybe we wouldn't have broken up if we had seen eye to eye on that topic. If one thing had been different, maybe we would have made it.
"Je ne veux pas d'enfants parce que l'idée que mes enfants t'appellent 'Tante Cece' me rend malade !" I don't want kids because the thought of my kids calling you 'Aunt Cece' makes me sick! He cuts me off by yelling as he takes three big steps forward.
The sudden outburst makes me jump and look at him with wide eyes as his words sink in. They ring in my ears and they echo in my head. I can't figure out what it is he's telling me. Is he telling me he doesn't want me in his kids' lives or is it the whole other meaning? I can't think and I can't figure out what it is he's saying.
"Cece, J'ai vu un avenir avec toi, je ne peux pas simplement prendre ce même avenir et y mettre quelqu'un d'autre !" Cece, I saw a future with you, I can't just take that same future and put someone else in it! He says firmly, still motioning with his hands in front of him while I just stare at his arms.
There were so many things flying around my head. Things I wanted to whisper softly with a smile on my things, but a lot of things I wanted to shout at him. Why did he leave then? Why didn't he fight for us? Why couldn't we meet halfway? Why? Why? Why? Why is he dropping this on me right now? It's the night before his brother's wedding. The night before the most important night of this whole trip, and he says the most fight-brewing statement of this whole trip.
I slowly cross my arms over my chest and I stare at the same spot on the countertop in front of me. I slowly shake my head as I try to figure out the best way to proceed from here. Do I yell? Do I walk away? Do I postpone this fight to a later date?
Charles is breathing heavily in front of me, tilting slightly to try to see where I'm looking. I'm just staring, trying to stay calm. I can't be mad at him for being honest, but I can be mad at him for his stupid timing. This is not something we should talk about right now, or ever. Maybe he is supposed to keep that shit to himself.
He can't possibly mean that I just ruined his chances of a happy future. Just because he imagined marrying me once and having a family with me, doesn't mean he can't have one if he can't have me. My mom probably imagined having a family with young John Travolta, or some other guy, but you find someone else and you move on. He can't blame me for this. Is he blaming me? I feel blamed. I feel like I'm supposed to feel bad for him, even though he was the one who moved on way before I did.
"Dire quelque chose!" Say something! He pleads after a while.
Slowly I shake my head, "Comment peux-tu me laisser tomber ça ce soir ?" How can you just drop this on me tonight? I ask quietly.
"Vous avez demandé, et c'est la vérité," You asked, and it's the truth, he argues.
"Je ne peux pas discuter avec toi Charles, je ne peux pas commencer un autre match de cris. Je ne peux pas le faire, je ne le ferai pas. Alors je vais partir maintenant," I can't argue with you Charles, I can't start another screaming match back and forth. I can't do it, I won't do it. So I am going to walk away now, I say calmly, remembering our agreement from before.
I start to walk past him, but frantically he grabs my arm and he turns me towards him while holding onto my upper arm. My face is not far from his and he looks at me with such pleading eyes.
"Tu ne peux pas partir après ça." You can't just walk away after this.
"C'était notre accord," It was our agreement.
"Je me fiche de notre accord ! Vas-tu agir comme si je ne te l'avais jamais dit ?" I don't care about our agreement! Are you just going to pretend like I never told you?
"Oui!" Yes! I exclaim while getting out of his grip. "Que veux tu que je dise? Je suis désolé que ça n'ait pas fonctionné ! Je suis désolé de ne pas avoir essayé assez fort ! Je suis désolé de ne pas t'avoir donné une famille avec une clôture blanche ! Je suis désolé d'être tombé amoureux de toi et toute cette mascarade a commencé ! Je suis désolée qu'on ne puisse plus être au même endroit sans que ça arrive à chaque fois !" What do you want me to say? I'm sorry that it didn't work! I'm sorry that I didn't try hard enough! I'm sorry that you didn't get you a family with a white picket fence! I am sorry that I fell in love with you and this whole charade started! I am sorry that we can no longer be in the same place without this happening every single time!
Right as I'm done shouting, Charles looks over my shoulder and based on his frown, I know that it's over now. He gave us one chance, now Arthur has walked in on us doing what we both promised not to do. Tears were already forming even before I turned to look at Arthur's cold and disappointed face.
I opened my mouth to speak, to say something, to defend myself. To explain what just happened. But he wouldn't hear it. He just shook his head and without listening to any of the words I was frantically saying to him to get him to understand the situation, and he walked down the stairs and out of the apartment.
Pathetically, I turn around and I see Charles standing there looking sorry. My tears were already streaming down my face, because I think I just lost my best friend. My lifelong best friend, my second family, the birthdays I look forward to every year, the Christmases, the summer vacations and all of the other things we've always done together. They were all gone with the slamming of the doors as he walked out.
Charles walked up to me and tried to hold me, but I quickly pushed him off. At that moment I blamed him. He told me that, I was going to walk away until he pushed me into that situation. It would have been fine if he hadn't held me there with him. I wouldn't have exploded. So I didn't want him near me, because to me he was the reason that I lost it.
I push him off me and I ignore all the ways he's saying my name to get my attention, and I lock myself in my bedroom, ignoring his knocks as I sit with my back against the door crying over the fact that my longest and closest friendship is over.
//
Hold your horses or shout yeehaw I liked writing that
It's a temporary setback... it's a momentary loss....