Tw: suicide
Basically a short vent.
Just ugh don't read this.
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I'm not the kind of person who doesn't think I'm loved at all.
I am.
And I'm thankful for that.
But, am i loved for all of me?
I don't believe anyone who knows all of me, loves me.
I'm too much for me, so why would someone who could leave stay?
The simple answer is they don't.
Sure, i have people say they like me.
They like me when they see me at family things.
Friends like when I actually show up to plans.
But, do they like me when I'm struggling and need help.
Obviously not.
Who wants to deal with that?
I get it.
Why they're here for the good and not the bad.
But it hurts.
When not one person you've known for years of your life cares enough to send that one message.
To come visit you one time.
To ring you and wish you happy birthday.
To help you through a panic attack,
Or to talk you out of a relapse.
It hurts, when you give the best signs you can that you need help.
And they're ignored.
Like an extra task most can't be bothered to take on.
Now, yes, my family are literally avengers.
So they're busy, obviously.
But I can't lie when I say I expected more when I made the decision to move out.
But I guess I'm just not as important as I was told I was.
The work I did with the few that cared for that short period of time, just wasn't enough.
I wasn't enough.
And I'm still not.
The reality is. Nobody can talk me out of that anymore. Don't try. It's basically factual. It's concrete in my mind. I am not enough. Definitely not enough for my mom. Or for anyone, including me.
Now why is this literally just written off as attention seeking?
Yet when it all gets too much.
And pushes you over the edge
It's considered a tragedy.
Nobody shows they care.
Until it's too late.