Guys I knowwww I always disappear. I've been on this journey since my freshman year of college. I'm a senior now that's so crazy... I intend to keep my promise.
Enjoy the chapter. Thank you to all the readers who have patiently stood by me<3
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Novia could not even believe the confession that had slipped from Levi's mouth. Out of all the times they had spent together, the late nights of being intimate.... this was a different kind of intimacy for him. She wondered what had made him switch his demeanor to this extent. How because of her disobedience time and time again, how far she had pushed him this time.
She never understood his hesitation on kissing. It was almost like he physically wouldn't allow himself to go to that place. He seemed like he so desperately wanted to.
"Then do it," she barely whispered under her breath, eyeing his lips then back to his eyes. What would this change? How many times would Novia go against what was morally right to her? Being hurt time and time again. It was an addiction that felt so right in every moment. She just couldn't think right around the captain. Any rational thought always went out of the window
The only other person who had the same effect was Eren.
Levi sighed, fighting his instincts to pull away. Closer and closer he inched his lips until they hovered over hers. He could feel her shallow, nervous breaths.
"Don't fight it anymore Levi, it's okay."
"It's not... you don't understand," He choked. Novia's eyes widened at his pleading tone. Was she witnessing Levi for the first time being vulnerable with her? This whole time he was hiding the intense emotions for her that he was feeling. This was finally the moment he was letting those emotions slip through the cracks.
"Help me understand, what are you hiding from, Levi?" It had been awhile since she called him by his name. Being so angry at him, she refused...but now if this is what it took to get him to disclose what was really bothering him, she would.
She begged him to just be honest. Novia was so sick of it all. The mind games, the back and forth, for once all she wanted was some clarity.
"I'm not hiding from anything.... I just can't. Because I know if I do, I'll never want to stop." He backed away from Novia now, a hand over his mouth as if he was restraining himself. Novia gave disappointing sigh.
"What do you mean you'll never want to stop? Dammit captain for once just tell me what it really is your feeling... I'm tired."
Levi leaned over his desk facing away from Novia, his lips quivering. Maybe it would benefit everyone if he did just say it. He knew how he felt, when was he going to accept it?
That little voice inside him was constantly giving him the anxiety of questioning what would happen if she was gone. But if he kept pushing her away... it would happen regardless.
"If I kiss you, I'll have to accept my feelings-" He stopped trying to find his words, "and... if that happens, then when you're gone.."
He stopped again, this time turning around to look at Novia. She gave a reassuring nod, wanting him to know it was okay.
"If you leave like everyone else in my life, I don't know if I can keep my composure contained this time. This job isn't easy Novia. I seem like I am unfazed by all the deaths I'm surrounded with daily, but the truth is, it's getting harder and harder every time to deal with it."
The words Levi was saying had so much emotion to them. Like as if it was bottling inside, tormenting him because he felt he needed to be an example to everyone. Novia stood there, her eyes becoming slightly glossy as she tried to hold back tears from his words.
They were tears of sadness and joy. All she has been wanting is for Levi to give her some sense of humanity and here it was. The connotation behind what he said held so much pain. Pain that she could sympathize with. Granted, he was the one that told her everyone couldn't be saved.
The facade was, he wanted to save everyone too, but with their circumstances, this was clearly impossible. She didn't know this was a constant fear he had, but it made her feel wanted in a different way than before. A way that wasn't surrounded by physicalities or built up tension.
This was a connection through emotion that she so desperately craved. She sat there in silence for a minute, taking in his words and also a part of his pain. How could she ease it? She couldn't make any promises to him because he was right. She could be gone at any moment.
She walked towards him slowly, never breaking eye contact once.
"I'm sorry... I didn't know you carried so much burden. I can't promise that I will always be here. I can't promise that as we go forward, something won't happen to me," She honestly spoke. "But... I can promise that I will take in and appreciate every second of things. I don't want to spend our time wondering what could have been. Why can't we just enjoy right now?"
Novia left Levi speechless. For once to him, she was right.
Levi grabbed Novia by the back of the neck dragging her in towards him, giving an eye of slight hesitation, but before his mind could catch up to his actions, he pulled her in.
"Don't move," he commanded.
She nodded as she was still in his grasp. He tilted his head, finally going against the side of him that reigned his clouded mind.
Levi's lips just barely grazed hers, pushing himself to go further until they were fully against hers.
Novia broke his request and moved her hands to the side of his face, moving her lips to become in sync with his. He began to relax in the kiss, deepening it. This was a foreign sentiment for Levi, scared he would regret this decision.
Levi guided her until she was feeling the brick wall behind her. Novia compared her kiss with the captain to others. This wasn't ravenous kiss, but more of a passionate longing. He needed her to take in his pain, to feel what he was feeling, always having this high guard up that he can tear down for a moment.
She delicately moved her lips within his, his hands moving from her hair to her chin tipping it with his thumb to make himself even more close. His lips were so soft, but Novia recognized his lack of nourishment, knowing he needed this as much as she did.
He fragile touch eased slowly and he pulled away, gaining his awareness for reality again. She was afraid he would kick her out again, but something was different this time. He didn't say anything. Just gazed at her.
Novia couldn't decipher what it was he was feeling.
"Please don't do this to me again," She begged. She couldn't keep making the same mistake over and over again, giving her heart to someone who just stepped on it, like her feelings were nothing to them. That every person she's been with treated her like a joke and only gave empty promises.
"I'm not," he softly said, looking away. There was still a part in him that wanted to retreat his feelings, it was something that he was just used to. He knew it was his worst habit, but he would work on it. He wouldn't do it to Novia again.... He was surprised she even allowed herself to become this vulnerable with him again, considering all his actions resulted in hurting her every single time to protect his ego.
Novia's intuition sensed he was itching to pull away again. "Don't go back to that place right now," She said as she grabbed his face, so he was forced to look at her beseeching eyes.
He gave a small chuckle, taking her hands off of his. "Calm down, I'm not" He repeated, his tone now shifting to slight humor. She rolled her eyes simultaneously giving a a sigh of relief.
"You drive me crazy."
"What and you think you're a walk in the park?" he raised a brow.
"Touche."
She smiled to herself, hoping this experience would be progress to their complex dynamic. That this would be a sense of clarity.
"You can stay here for a little bit...but I want to ask you something first." His playful tone shifting once again to more serious, damn was he so hot and cold.
"What is it?"
"Where did you actually go when we were suppose to meet in my office?" He narrowed his eyes.
......
I'm sorry to end it there, but I'm trying to ease my ways back into this.
Little shorter, but like I said..also trying to get over this self doubt thing. I hope you enjoyed this chapter and maybe if I get a ton of reads I'll start posting on my TikTok again with frequent updates.
Please remember to vote and recommend my story to others <3
-Rey