Rhegan
Therapy was good for me.
Who would've thought?
Everyone but me apparently.
I guess talking to a complete stranger wasn't all that bad. I mean, the stranger was about five years older than me and I was completely sure that she had a secret shrine of Harry Potter collectibles— she seemed like the type. It was easy to talk to her.
I was chalking up the easiness that I felt with her to her cool demeanor. She had this reverse psychology thing going on. She acted like her job wasn't giving a fuck about her clients lives when she sat in that chair with her notebook, but it literally was her job to give a fuck.
Either way, whatever tactic that she developed had me singing like a canary. And apparently it had me agreeing to a sit down with my mother that surprisingly didn't end with me scratching her eye balls out.
It had been a few days since I sat down with my mother, and although I despise her and her idiotic life's choices, I found a small bit of closure from our conversation. Now I wasn't going to completely forgive her despite allowing her to see me vulnerable and craving her affection— no, the bitch could drop dead at any moment and I probably wouldn't bat an eyelash.
Maybe I would care a little bit...
Just a little.
Just a pinch.
Since then, I have been going out more often. Pilates classes were quickly filling up my mornings and I had never felt better. At night, I found myself at the gym a few blocks down getting my nightly jog in. I had allowed myself time to lounge around and mourn my breakup in a non-healthy way for almost a few weeks now— it was time to change that.
I had been taking my meds everyday, I had been keeping up with my studies and mostly because after a few days, Haze had insisted on calling me after his practices via facetime to make sure that I was doing the class work. And of course it wouldn't be a conversation with Haze if he wasn't trying to guilt trip me into coming back home early.
This break away was a strain on my heart but it was a healthy choice.
It was the right choice.
As I jogged up the steps of my childhood home, I watched the puff of my breath fog up in the evening autumn air. Walking through the front door, I felt the heat kiss my face as I shrugged out of my coat. My plans to go to the gym later tonight had been pushed forward due to my dinner plans.
I was meeting the girls for dinner at their new establishment in the warehouse district.
" Hey!" My father entered the foyer just as I started making my way up the stairs to get ready.
I paused. I had been avoiding my father since my throat session with Leila. My father had a good heart and I understood where he was coming from sending her pictures of me growing up and inviting her to graduations and big milestones of mine. He just wanted her to watch me grow up and unlike me, he wanted to extend that olive branch and be the bigger person.
I understood that.
I just wished that he would have told me. Granted, the last time he mentioned her, I ended up throwing a bitch fit in the middle of our kitchen and storming off.
" Hey," I turned on my heels, pulling my headphones down to rest on my neck.
My father tapped his glasses against his knuckles as he studied me. " You've been avoiding me for a few days, bunny," he said, a sadness in his tone. " What's going on?"
I did owe him an explanation... and so did he. The topic couldn't be avoided any longer I suppose. Especially with me growing tired of tip-toeing around him when he was at home.
" I went to therapy..." I inhaled deeply, crossing my arms over my chest as I took a step down. My father studied me patiently, waiting for me to continue my sentence. " With Laila," I finished, finally meeting his eyes.
My father nodded his head slowly. " How did that go?"
" Other than me flipping out on her and crying my eyeballs out two seconds later, it went better than expected. But she did tell me something very interesting, daddy." My father swallows and shoves his hands in his back pockets, lowering his gaze away from mine.
" Did you know that she came to my graduation?" I ripped the band-aid clean off, not walking around the subject for longer than needed. It was clear that he put two and two together and realized that Laila had snitched him out in regards to keeping her informed about my life.
" No, Rhegan," he quickly answered.
By the shock displayed on his face, I believed him. The one thing that my father never did was lie to me and he wasn't about to star for the sake of Laila fucking Clarke. However, it seemed that withholding information from me wasn't a fairly new trait of his like I thought it was.
" I had no idea. I figured she'd ignore the invitation like she ignored everything else that I had sent her." By his tone, I knew that he wasn't trying to slander her or make her look bad. Not that she needed much help in that department anyway. But he genuinely didn't know that she kept everything he had sent her.
" Well she didn't ignore everything that you'd sent her over the years if it makes you feel any better," I informed him. He deserved to know that his efforts did have some impact on her. " She kept every picture and letter that you sent along with it in a box over the years."
" Why did you do it?" I questioned my father.
" I wanted her to see you thriving and living life without her," he answered truthfully and unashamedly.
"Maybe it was selfish of me, but I wanted her to regret leaving you behind, leaving you without a mother. I wanted her to see you grow and flourish into this beautiful young woman throughout the years and regret not wanting to know you sooner. I wanted her to regret her worst decision every time she stared at a picture of you or saw you from across the room. I wanted her to know what she was missing– I needed her to know that you were fine without her."
My father was a selfless man. He always put me and my feelings before himself, like any parent should. But he played both roles– he took on more than some parents had to chew. Unlike my mother, he was there for my first period– he was the one who drove to the nearest drug store that was open at two o'clock in the middle of the night because I woke up screaming bloody murder in a pool of blood staining my white bed sheets.
He was there when I was diagnosed with adhd and comforted me when I fell into a depression thinking that I wasn't normal– thinking that there was something wrong with me because I had to shove pills down my throat daily just to focus better and control my fidgeting. He was there with his comforting hugs and a big pint of ice cream– and sometimes his amex if he was feeling extra generous.
He was there when she wasn't.
I could never be mad at my father. I could never be mad at the person who stayed.
" I am sorry, Rhegan. I jus–"
Taking the last few steps down the staircase, I approached my father and swung my arms around his neck. " It's okay, daddy," my nose buried itself into his neck, smelling his comforting scent. " You were doing the right thing," I assured him. " Even if they did have some petty undertones to it."
My father chuckles as we pull away from each other, me apologizing for getting my sweaty stench all over his clothing. He waved me off with a smile, " where are you headed to? You went to the gym much earlier tonight."
" Dinner with some friends," lifting up my apple watch, I checked the time. " Shoot, I better start getting ready." Before taking off up the stairs, I leaned forward dn pressed a quick kiss to my father's cheek.
" I'll see you in the morning if I don't see you when I get back." Even when my father worked from home, he never stopped working. When I was younger, I'd go to sleep and wake up the next morning for breakfast and come downstairs to find him wearing the same clothes from the night before with heavy eye bags.
My father was a hard worker. He worked for everything that we had today, every opportunity that I was ever given in my life was thanks to his hard work. His ethic was unmatched and sometimes that got the best of him.
When I got older, I began to scold him on how much that he had worked and how it was going to start taking a toll on his health. Sometimes he'd be a stubborn bull and insist that he was fine, and on that occasion, I'd remind him that he was the only reliable parent that I had to depend on. He'd tighten right up.
Now that I was away at college, I didn't have the luxury or the peace of mind knowing that he was getting the proper rest that he needed. Now that I was home for the foreseeable future, I could relax knowing that he had dialed back on the unhealthy working habits. Who knows, he could have only been doing it for my sake, but I figured, the longer I stayed home, the quicker it'd be embedded in his brain.
" Don't forget to send me a picture of the dessert menu," he calls after me, smiling as he heads in the direction of his study.
I quickly make myself up the stairs and into my room. Dinner was in two hours and I was nowhere near ready. Ripping off my clothes, I left a trail of damp workout clothes and my undergarments on the floor that lead to my bathroom. Once the shower water hit my body, I felt my aching muscles relax as I stood under the shower head. Taking a moment, I closed my eyes and let the water drown me while it poured down my body, soaking my hair and my bare skin.
My hands pushed back my hair and traveled down my body, stopping at my neck once the feel of metal touched my fingertips– Dominic's chain.
I hadn't once taken it off since we broke up. I didn't have the heart to.
Before I could let my mind ponder on the topic, I quickly sprung into action and began soaping my body up in an effort not to have a breakdown today. I had cried so much this trip that every time I stopped, I was so sure that my eyes were as dry as the Mojave Desert. Only to be proved wrong every time a memory involving Dominic popped up, or when I missed my friends, or when those feed the hunger donation commercials popped up.
I was an emotional wreck. For a girl who didn't like showing emotions or feeling vulnerable, I was doing that alot lately.
When I stepped out of the shower, I smelt like vanilla and sugar cookies had a baby and created the perfect warm dessert that felt like a warm hug. Grabbing my phone, I checked the time and began to scramble to find an outfit. I pulled off a black leather mini dress that had a corset style bodice and ran my fingers along the hangers until I pulled out a black oversized bomber jacket with red and white detailing. I picked out a few accessories, some black knee high leather boots, and a silver Diesel handbag before rushing out of my room to finish getting ready.
I quickly did my hair and makeup, throwing on a random snap back that I found in my closet to tie my look together. Gripping the sides of my bomber jacket, I sighed and studied myself in the mirror. I had never looked healthier. I hadn't picked up a drink since leaving los angeles. My body was beginning to get more fit and toned due to my consistency in the gym and pilates. Since all of my energy was going into self care this trip and healing, I had been feeling like a better version of myself day by day.
Even though some days I couldn't help but feel empty inside despite my progress. Despite that, I was proud of myself for all of the accomplishments and growth that I had managed to do while being gone for nearly a month and a half.
My phone buzzed, alerting me that my driver had arrived and I was making my way out of the door.
As I sat in the back of the suv watching the city blur by in a blimp, I couldn't help but dread having to recount the moments that lead to my breakup with Dominic. A Lot of things were said that night, hurtful things, but they were truthful. But I needed to hear them to see the pain that I was causing not only myself, but Dominic.
The last thing that I wanted to do was hurt him.
And yet hurting him was all that I seemed to do.
Subconsciously, I found myself picking at the skin of my nails just thinking about that night. Sighing, I leaned my head back against the headrest of the seat, turned on my phone, and started looking for brown oversized vintage leather jackets to take my mind off of things.
Shopping was my true form of therapy and a bad habit.
The healthiest forms of bad habits. All my worries trickled away at the swipe of my amex or receiving confirmation that my order had been shipped. Shopping was therapeutic in a way to me that working out was therapeutic for the boys. My style was my brand and since I was rebranding myself mentally and physically, it was only fair to apply that mindset to my wardrobe.
Three online stores later and two baskets later, the suv was coming to a rolling stop. " Have a nice night," the driver smiled through the rearview mirror, his brown eyes meeting me through the mirror. I wasn't too engrossed in my phone or thoughts about this ride to know that he was checking me out when his eyes were supposed to be on the road.
A long time ago I had quickly come to the conclusion that male attention didn't have an effect on me unless it came from one person. How twisted was it that I came to that conclusion mid-hookup when another man's dick was in my vagina and the only reason that I came was because I was imagining that he was Dominic instead.
Poor thing actually thought that he did something... but that's besides the point.
I smiled in return, preparing to slide out of the car once the door was open. " You too." Although attention from other men didn't phase me, I did enjoy seeing them blush and lose their cool because of me. It was a major boost to my confidence as I stepped out of the car. Every now and then it was nice to be reminded of the power that I had over the less superior gender.
Inhaling deeply, I stared at the signage of the restaurant's name that was plastered on the front of the building. Swiping my palms over my dress, I exhaled slowly before walking into the restaurant.
Entering the restaurant, the ambiance immediately caught my attention. It radiated dark and mysterious intimacy with the dim lighting throughout the restaurant, dark leather booths, checkered tile flooring, accents of red and silver and here there. Mirrors lined the back wall of the restaurant and the bar was on the other side of the room.
" Good evening," the hostess said, " Welcome to four. Do you have reservations for tonight?"
" I'm actually supposed to be meeting the owner's of this establishment," I answered.
Her face lit up in recognition. " Of course, Miss Clarke," she jumped into action, standing up and grabbing her tablet as she ushered me to follow her. " Right this way. They just arrived a few minutes ago."
Smiling, I followed behind her as she escorted me throughout the entry level of the restaurant and up the stairs past another dining section, and towards a hallway that led to a private room. She opened the door to reveal a breathtaking view of an all glass wall that showcased a view of the city.
The girls sat at a long table in the middle of the room, servers were lined up at the wall, waiting to fetch them whatever they needed as they sipped on wine and laughed at something that was said before I had walked into the room. It looked like something straight out of a painting that was hanging in the Louvre.
" Rhegan!" Natalia was the first to notice me before the hostess could announce my presence.
All heads snapped towards me and despite their friendliness and clicking immediately with these girls, I couldn't help but feel slightly intimidated by them. I couldn't quite pinpoint it, but there was a dark and mysterious essence to them.
" Nat!l I squealed just as excitedly as we embraced each other.
The girls all got out of their seats, coming over to take turns greeting me. " How are you?" Sage asked softly, her hands filling my cheeks as she stared into my eyes with her kind and soft gaze.
My hands clung to her wrist softly. " As good as anyone can be while going through a heartbreak," I chuckled softly.
Sage pouted, bringing me in for another hug. " It's going to be okay. You guys are going to work through this," she assures me.
The two of us break away from each other and she guides me to my seat between Willow and herself. " You sound so sure of that," I chuckled, taking off my hat and running my hand through hair, letting it fall effortlessly on its own.
" That man looks at you like you are his will to fucking live," Alex says, motioning for a server to put me a glass of wine. He brought over a white and red option— I chose red, liking my wine bitter compared to sweet.
" Plus," Natalia chimes in. " Soulmates will always find a way back to each other one way or another. I should know."
Tilting my head to the side, I waited for her to elaborate. " Gianni and I had an..." she pauses, searching for the right words. " Interesting start to our relationship and here we are, two beautiful babies and engaged."
" Love isn't always roses and candles," she continues to say and I hang onto every word of it. " Love is a challenge— one of the toughest challenges and it will throw you every task in the book for you to face. You just have to be the one to determine whether or not that challenge is worth all of the heartbreak, arguments, tears, and the pain."
My love for Dominic was worth all of that and so much more. It was worth the tears, the heartbreak, and the guilt. I loved him so much that I would do it all over and over and over again if it meant that we would find our way back to each other.
" It's hard," my voice trembled a little bit as I stared down at the dark wood of the dinner table. " It's hard and it sucks to be away from him and the girls. It sucks not to be there for him while he's going through this new chapter in his life."
I swallowed, batting my lashes to keep from crying. " It sucks not to be there to comfort him because I know how he gets, y'know."
The girls nodded sympathetically, knowing how it feels to be the comfort for your loved one when they are dealing with an insecurity or a hard time and needing a shoulder to lean on... or someone to tell them to snap the fuck out of it and remind them of who they are.
" But it's a decision that I made when it got too hard and shit started to get to real and now," I exhaled deeply, feeling a little bit better as I got this off of my chest. " I have to live with it and hope that I can fix my mistake and that we come out on the other side of this stronger."
That was if he didn't hate me for leaving him again in the first place.
" You will, Rhegan," Mya reaches across the table and squeezes my hand. " Love conquers all." As soon as she says the words, her face scrunches up in disgust.
The table erupts into laughter as she processes her words. "Carlos' sappiness is rubbing off on me."
Willow giggles behind her wine glass. " You're only just know realizing this?" She asked with arched brows, making the encounter all the more comical between the two.
" Oh hush— you and Khalid are like the queen and king of sap."
I snorted. " I'd like to think that Ayanna and Carson possibly have them beat... maybe even Elizabeth and Abel." Considering that those two couples were the strongest out of my friend group— Sky and Marcus were as well but they didn't do sap...
They were the sassy and lowkey messy power duo.
" Hmmm," Alex nods. " That might be true."
I smile at the thought of my friends and reached for my wine glass, taking a sip and enjoying the conversation.
This was fun. This was exactly what I needed.
Waking up was a struggle. Practice was gruesome and my body was facing the repercussions of it.
Groaning, I turned over as my shades lifted, welcoming the bright morning sun into my room and warming up the side of tmr exposed abdomen. Grabbing my phone, I powered it on, not surprised to find a million notifications popping up one after another.
I quickly replied to a message from Ayanna before clsimg out my messages, second to ignore my agent's text message and putting it on the back burner for later. His job was in the line and frankly, I didn't want to be bothered by him. When my schedule was less jam packed, I would be on the hunt for his replacement.
This week, they'd started up the kissing scene that Inhad to do for this bogus ass music video. The director was yelled cut so many times and was getting pissed at the lack of in screen chemistry— that I was putting zero energy into contributing too.
Although I did find it amusing when the vein in the middle of his forehead started to bulge from agitation and annoyance at my stubbornness. It wasn't until he said " the quicker we get this done, the quicker we get to wrap up. Just pretend like she doesn't urk your nerves and disrupt your entire life with her mere existence will ya? For me?"
And only because he asked so nicely did I do my part. Of course, kissing her Zoya was something that I had to mentally prepare myself for. I would've rather swallowed a gallon of horse piss than to kiss her.
To gets through it— I did what any sane man would do.
I imagined that I was kissing the girl who broke my heart and snatched it out of my soul and took it all the way to New York fucking City with her. She wasn't Rhegan by any means— she was not Rhegan but imaging that she was sold it enough for the director because he ate it up.
The take was one and done.
Thank God.
Opening instagram, I immediately sat up and brushed the sleep and crust out of my eyes as I stared at my phone screen.
All over my timeline was Rhegan out in New York Ciry with the De' Luca's last night. Blogs posted her entering and leaving one of their many nightclubs out there. She looked like she was having fun— she looked sober, but she looked like she was genuinely having fun.
As I stared at the photos, I realized two things.
One— she was still wearing my chain around her neck like she promised.
And two— that was my fucking snapback she was wearing.
Rhegan Clarke, you are a sick and twisted fucking woman, you.
" Just fucking come back to me already, Ice."
Dominic being down bad, what's new.
HEYYYYY!!!!
HOW ARE WEEE?!?? Did we like the update.
Also my boss is finally giving me more days off so expect more updates :).
I love you guys so much.
xoxo, alexis