Wren Ridley
James was last-minute packing all the things he was taking home for winter break, clearly trying to ignore my stare as I sat across the room from him. I had finished my last final and had my car packed with my things. Now all I had to do was wait for Landon to finish his, and the two of us would go home.
"I'm surprised you haven't asked yet," James said, glancing over at me.
"I know you're just dying for me to ask," I said. "Or dreading it."
James scoffed. "I don't dread anything."
"You're hilarious," I replied with a laugh. "Go ahead and tell me what you want to tell me."
"Okay, maybe I have been trying to avoid telling you this," James said, moving back and forth on his feet in a nervous manner.
"I figured."
"Short story is Anthony and I were never actually dating," he started. "We were seeing each other, hooking up. He wanted a commitment. I was scared of commitment. You know how it is."
"And the longer version?" I had a feeling I knew at least part of what he was going to say, and I couldn't go an entire winter break with the suspense.
"The longer version is I was hooking up with multiple people at the same time, including you," he continued, raising his eyebrows at me. "Before I knew Anthony wanted to be exclusive. He had an issue with me hooking up with you because he thought I was really into you, which I guess I was."
He looked away from me for a moment.
"I never thought me and you were gonna, like, date or anything," James said, looking back to me. "But I liked hooking up with you, and Anthony, but he wanted to be exclusive, and I wasn't ready for that, so I just told him that. And he thought it was about you even though I told him it wasn't."
"I'm flattered," I said sarcastically.
"Shut up," he replied in a whiny tone. "Anyway, we kinda fought about it and I ended up telling him I didn't want him."
"Which clearly isn't true," I added.
"Right," he confirmed. "It was like I wanted him to
only be with me but I could be with whoever, and that's just wrong and stupid of me. I wanted his exclusivity, but I didn't want to give him mine and I didn't realize that until recently."
"When you started following him to bars," I added for him with a smirk.
"Shut up," he snapped, though I could tell he wasn't annoyed, just embarrassed. "Yes, I started noticing myself getting... jealous when I saw him with other people. I didn't follow him to the bar the other night. It was just a coincidence."
"Sure it was."
"It was," James urgently tried to convince me. "I may or may not have had a little too much to drink and started telling guys he was talking to to back off, which obviously pissed him off."
"Because you can't commit to him, but you expect him to be available to you."
"No, I never expected that," James denied.
"I'm just saying that's how he sees it," I replied. "You're confusing him."
"I'm confusing myself," he muttered. "But I do want him. I want to be with him. And yes, before you say it, I know it's unfair of me to expect him to want to be with me now after all this time."
"Well, I think he does anyway," I said. "Even though it's unfair."
"I guess we'll see after break," James said with a sad smile. "That's what he decided. I don't think he trusts me to be committed, which I totally get."
"What better way to deal with your commitment issues than throwing yourself into a committed relationship?"
"Says you," he shot back. "You were the biggest commitment-phobe I knew and look when you are now."
"Oh, we weren't talking about me."
James shot me a wicked smirk, any emotions he was showing before vanishing in favor of mocking me by turning the conversation around.
"Oh, you mean you don't want to talk about how much of a mess you were when Landon left you?" he asked with a grin. "You can't even use Anthony to make me shut up anymore."
For once, I didn't know how to respond. I just looked at James, and his grin fell.
"It was actually kind of scary seeing you like that," James said after a moment.
"Did you really have to involve my brother?" I asked incredulously.
James shrugged. "I mean, yeah. He was your only sibling I could remember the name of. It was Stella's idea, actually. We had no idea how to get through to you, so she was trying to think of your siblings' names because you have like a million of them."
"I have five."
"That you never talk about," James replied. "I actually didn't even really remember Fox's name. I just remembered he plays for Northeastern, so we looked up the hockey team."
It was hard for me to admit, even to just myself, that I was embarrassed about the way I acted while Landon and I were separated. It made it even worse that Fox was aware of it. All I could do was act like I wasn't embarrassed by it, pretend that it wasn't as bad as James and Stella made it seem.
"That was quite unnecessary," I told him, moving to sit up on my bed.
"Whatever, it's over now," James said. "Just don't let Landon break up with you again."
"When are you leaving?" I asked, sitting crisscrossed on the bed with my back leaning against the wall so that I was facing him.
"As soon as I get all this packed up," he replied, zipping a bag he just finished stuffing clothes into. "I know traffic is going to be a fucking bitch."
"And you're staying home the whole break?" I wondered aloud. "Not going to see Anthony?"
"Not unless he wants to see me."
I decided to be nice and help James bring his things out to his car. He threw an arm around me in an unexpected hug before he left. A little while later, I went to Landon's dorm to pick him up.
Landon had a lot less to bring home since he had to come back so much sooner for hockey. All he had was the rest of this week and next week off, and then he had to be back on campus to continue his season.
"You're not done packing?" I asked him as he came down to let me in the building.
"I've been busy, and I think I just bombed my stats final," he said with a huff, leading me up the stairs.
"You did not bomb it," I assured him.
Landon had spent a lot of time studying the last few days. The only class he let me help him prepare for was philosophy, and he had taken that final earlier on and he seemed pretty confident about it.
"Oh, but I did," he muttered as we got to his room. "Seriously, I have no idea what was even on that test. I used to be good at math. I don't know what happened."
"I'm sure you did better than you think."
Landon just rolled his eyes at that. He packed up the rest of his things and the two of us made our way out to my car. I turned on the audiobook the two of us were listening to. We had gotten back into it a few days ago, and Landon seemed to be enjoying it even if he refused to admit it.
Landon paused the book a few minutes later.
"Are your parents cool with me coming over for Christmas?" he asked, his leg shaking in the way it always did when he was anxious.
"Oh, I haven't talked to them about it yet."
"You haven't?" he asked, shocked. "Wren, Christmas is next week!"
"Yes, I know."
"So, when were you planning on asking them?" He sounded annoyed now. I could feel his glare without even having to look at him.
"Soon," I replied.
"And when is that? Today?"
"Could be."
"Wren," Landon said in a stern tone. "I'm not going if you don't talk to them about it first. I'm not just going to show up. That's embarrassing."
"I will talk to them about it," I assured him. "It's just that I haven't really spoken to them about... about my sexuality yet."
I felt queasy even admitting that to him. I wanted to be able to share my insecurities freely with him, but it was harder than I thought it would be. I could accept my own faults and fears. It was something else entirely to have someone else accept them.
"Wren, I think they know," Landon said softly.
He was probably right, but that didn't take away any of the unease I felt about the situation. It was irrational and pointless to feel the way that I did, but that didn't stop me from feeling it anyway. I knew my parents, their values, their love for all their children. My sexuality wouldn't change anything in their eyes, yet it was still hard for me to admit it. But if I wanted to be with Landon, I had to do it.
"I will tell them today," I promised, and that seemed to please Landon. Tension fell from his shoulders, the look on his face softened.
"Will you meet the Hansons?" Landon asked in a low voice, timid, like he was afraid of what I might say.
"Of course."
A little while later, I pulled up in front of Landon's house to drop him off. It was sort of an unspoken thing that we both understood; I needed to tell my family about us alone.
Landon leaned over the center console and placed his lips over mine in a slow, sweet kiss.
"Let me know how it goes," he said, pulling away for a moment, then stealing one more kiss before he grabbed his things and got out of the car.
I took the long way home, gathering my thoughts on how exactly I would tell my parents about Landon. By the time I got home, I still had no clue what I was going to say.
I parked my car in my usual spot in the driveway and went inside. The house was quiet. The only reason I knew someone was here was because I could hear the television on in the living room. I followed the sound to see my mother on the floor in front of the TV doing a yoga pose. The coffee table was pushed up against the wall, and the couch was pushed so far back it was almost blocking the entrance to the room.
"Mom," I called out, causing her to turn and look at me while maintaining the pose she was in.
"Hi honey!"
"Where is everyone?"
She moved into a sitting position on the mat and paused the yoga video she was watching. I sat on the floor next to her, and she pulled me closer to kiss my cheek.
"Your father is picking up Robin from the airport," she started. "Fox is on his way home, Fawn is out with Ava, Colt's upstairs."
This was probably the best chance I had to tell my mother about Landon. Just the two of us, one on one with no pressure.
"Mom, I-"
But of course, it didn't stay just the two of us for long. A moment later, Dad walked in the door with Robin behind him, each of them carrying a suitcase. It would seem like the logical thing that Robin would go back to LA soon after Christmas to not have to brave the weather back home, but he insisted on staying for his entire winter break. And the two of them came in at the exact wrong time.
"Hi baby!" Mom exclaimed from her spot next to me.
Robin placed his suitcase down and came to sit on our mother's other side, embracing her welcoming hug.
"Are you happy I took your advice and flew into Boston?" Robin asked, looking over at me. "All because you didn't want to pick me up."
"I couldn't have picked you up. I had to bring Landon home."
"Oh, I'm sorry I didn't realize three of us couldn't fit in your car."
He rolled his eyes at me and leaned back, bracing his hands on the floor to hold himself up.
"Boys, enough," Mom lightly scolded. "What were you saying before, Wren?"
Dad came into the living room after setting down Robin's other suitcase. He sat down on the couch which was pushed back, far enough away from us that he wouldn't be able to hear us if we talked too quietly.
"What's going on?" he asked, to which Mom just put up her hand to stop him from speaking as she looked at me expectantly.
I didn't want an audience for this, but I was sure that if I procrastinated any longer, I wouldn't tell them. And that would make Landon angry with me, which I didn't want. I only liked making him angry when it was on my own terms.
"I wanted to ask you something," I started. The look she gave me urged me to continue. "Is it alright if my boyfriend comes over for Christmas?"
It was out there, and I wished it felt like a weight had been taken off my chest, but it didn't.
"Of course, Landon can come over!" Mom exclaimed happily, her wide smile distracting me from what she said for a moment.
"Why are you assuming I'm talking about Landon?" I asked incredulously. It couldn't have been that obvious.
Robin let out a loud laugh, to which our mother ignored.
"Oh, I'm sorry," Mom said, not actually looking sorry. "But it is Landon, right? Your boyfriend?"
"Well, yes."
"I've been dying to ask you about it, but I didn't want to before you were ready," she admitted, adding to my confusion.
"So, you're gay too?" Dad asked from behind us on the couch.
"Leo!" Mom shouted at him with a glare.
"What!" he yelled, exasperated. "I support him! I'm just clarifying."
"I'm bisexual," I answered, slightly embarrassed. "I'm sorry I didn't tell you sooner. I didn't know if you'd be okay with it."
That instantly made Mom's face fall.
"Oh, honey, of course we're okay with it," she said, wrapping her arms around me.
Dad came over to sit on the floor on the other side of me, wrapping his arms around me so that I was sandwiched between my parents.
"We love you, Wren," Dad said.
I was slightly uncomfortable with the affection, but I welcomed it anyway.
Mom hummed in agreement.
"We love you so much, and of course Landon is welcome over any time," she added as the two of them pulled away. "Now, tell me everything. How did you two connect? How long have you been together? What was your first date?"
It was the last question that struck me. How was it possible that Landon and I had never really been on the date? Unless I counted the countless coffee dates, but those weren't really dates.
"It's fairly new," I told her. "We haven't been on a date."
"Well, you two have a whole winter break to go on dates."
"Dates are important," Dad added. "It keeps the romance alive!"
Mom playfully rolled her eyes, but she agreed with him.
"So, were you ever going to tell me about you and Landon or were we just going to keep pretending I didn't already know?" Robin asked with a playful smirk after our parents left the room.
"You didn't know anything," I lied. I had already suspected that he did know.
He rolled his eyes. "Fat chance. It was so obvious."
I ignored him and pulled out my phone to text Landon.
To: Landon
I told my parents about us. You're welcome to come over for Christmas.
His reply was instant like he had been waiting by the phone for me to message him.
From: Landon
so it went good?
To: Landon
It went well.
Mom already suspected it anyway.
From: Landon
i'm glad you told them
To: Landon
I'm glad too. It was not as big of a deal as I made it out to be in my head.
From: Landon
i'm proud of you
Those were the words that took the weight off my chest, made my breathing easy, made me feel light as a feather.
**
Thanks for reading, please leave your thoughts about the chapter!
Also, I keep getting asked if the story is over. It's not over, and I will let you know when we're in the final chapters. I don't have a count on the total chapters left yet.