I intend to avoid any repetition of the horrors that had just ended in the capital. Ever since I returned to the Survey Corps Headquarters, I laid in bed for a few days after that rescue. Within those days, my eyes are tightly shut from the world and I do not make a sound besides crying myself to sleep. No one has the heart to interrupt me including Levi.
The news of the violent incidents in Capital Mitras spreads like a gust of wind within the walls. Ever since Viktor and Zaiya invaded the king's territory, the Survey Corps' reputation has been damaged and their relationship with the Military Police and royal government has gone far more sour. King Fritz is no longer seeking a queen after me, though he enjoys his own company anyway. As for Marcel, he was found dead the night I escaped the capital with Levi and I just can't help but feel a little emotional watching it happen to him. After departing out of his life, I am the only soul who knows King Fritz is a puppet king.
I doubt the government will come after me this time, but it is also not safe to assume. Perhaps I should stay low for a while. Underneath the blanket, the door to my room creaks open and my ears perk up when footsteps are coming toward me. I did not expect any company until now, and my heart begins to race when a chair is pulled up beside the bed I am lying in.
"Oi, how long are you planning to stay like this?" Levi sighs, who is now taking a seat next to me, but I remain still. I hear him pour something into a porcelain cup on the bedside table before sliding it across within my reach. "Could I tempt you with some sugar for your tea?"
I pull the blanket away from my head to find him sitting with his legs crossed, giving me a worried look. This time, he is wearing his uniform without the cravat.
I force myself to sit up since he is kindly offering. "Yes, please."
After he drops sugar cubes into my tea, I stir well with a tiny silver spoon before bringing the cup into my hand and carefully taking a generous sip. As I observe Levi, he enjoys his tea as it is, since sugar and milk are currently expensive due to food shortages.
These past few days, Levi has been taking care of me and I cannot thank him enough for it, primarily after rescuing me. I finally use this time to share what happened in Capital Mitras to Levi and he is all ears. Everything from Marcel being my real father, forced into an arranged marriage with the king, Viktor, and Zaiya, and he knows the rest from there until I share about Marcel's death.
"Tch. It is just a shame that I didn't get the chance to end that bastard personally." Levi balls up a fist on the table, aware of Marcel's ill-treatment towards me. It was complete hell. "And that time when you had the knife against your neck... you shouldn't have done that for me."
"What other choice did we have?" I lean over from the bed. "I did it for your safety."
"But what about you? Does your safety not matter at all?" Levi unexpectedly asks since he is conflicted and now I hardly know how to answer back. "I suggest you think very carefully before you open your mouth. You were in a life-or-death situation. Why did you do it?"
It hurts a little when I swallow after cutting myself under my chin, and when I gaze down, the familiar, gloomy atmosphere washes over me when I realize my true intention that night. "Perhaps I wanted to die..." I mutter in sadness. "After Viktor and Zaiya, I just couldn't take it anymore and—" My body jolts when Levi reaches out for my shoulders; his eyes are now bulging. I am afraid I had drawn the line.
"Do not speak of death so lightly!" His voice is now pitiful and I feel an urge to take everything back. I also know he is simply angry with me for emotionally abusing myself. "Don't think I don't understand how you feel, because after Farlan and Isabel... I truly get it, okay!? In reality, we cry and we move on! No matter how many times we watch our comrades die around us, we must live on to make their lives worth sacrificing!"
My heart feels heavy now that I think about it from his perspective. Levi is a soldier who refuses to die until he has given meaning to his life. He finally releases my shoulders. "And what about me, Sina? Did you ever think about how I would feel? I can't afford to lose you..."
My mouth finally cracks open with guilt drawn over my face. "I'm sorry..."
Even though he is a little disappointed in me, he also sees why my mind is clouded by sorrow after witnessing all the terrible things humanity can perform on the weak. He then brings up a hand to gently wipe away a tear falling to my chin and his eyes soften. "I will say... the bravest thing you ever did was continuing your life when you wanted to die."
His words suddenly bring a glimmer of hope, and we are now gazing into each other. He is often good at concealing his dark feelings, but this time, he is opening up to me about them. I comprehend why Levi acted the way he did because he also goes through agony. As humanity's strongest soldier, he can only watch everyone else die around him.
"I'm glad you came back for me, so thank you." I express my gratitude to him wholeheartedly, then gaze down. "This time, don't risk your life for me."
"That is not an option," Levi tells me. "If I don't risk anything, then I will lose it all, even you. I will never forgive myself if that ever happens."
I am intensely moved, but I also fear for his safety. The room is awfully quiet until he continues. "To be honest, I wanted to resign from the military as soon as you recovered, but my job is not done yet. I need to get back out there to protect you from this world."
"Levi..." I softly call out as I place a hand over his fist, opening it up for our fingers to intertwine. "In this cruel world, I still love you."
Levi wants to say it back, but he is not prepared to commit just yet. His main priority is to turn this world into a joyful place free of titans. He desires to make the most of the life he has while it lasts and have no regrets in the end. Because of him, I know that I am very fortunate, and I will wait for that day to come when we can spend the rest of our lives together in peace. I even cherish every moment with him in the spring, to the hot summer, to autumn, and to the cold winter.
"I hate to say this... but I will be leaving for Wall Maria tomorrow," Levi notifies me of his departure, and my concerns begin to grow for him. While making an effort to calm myself down, I bring his hand to my face and gently press my lips on it.
"I wish this day would never come," I whisper against him, closing my eyes with hurt since our time together will be cut short. "I'm missing you already."
With his hand in my grasp, he tugs at me for a warm embrace and my chin rests on his shoulder. He takes his other hand to gently stroke my head. "Will you be fine?" His delicate voice vibrates against my ears and I shyly nod. I still believe his job as a scout is a priority. That also means he has to leave his problems behind.
"I heard you injured yourself from the last expedition." I suddenly recall from Viktor and Levi is taken aback at what I just said.
"Oh, this?" Levi rubs a hand on his left ankle resting on his right knee. "It's better, but I will manage." I am still uneasy about his injury, but he is confident enough to push forward.
"Will you come back to me in one piece?" I then ask, and he swears with his life. We cannot estimate how long this forthcoming expedition will take, but this will surely take months depending on how beastly the crisis is in Wall Maria. I pray to the walls that he will return to me alive and unharmed.
⚔︎
The Next Day...
After Levi and the Survey Corps depart for the expedition, only a handful of scouts remain to tend the headquarters, including myself. Yet even in my grief, I was heartened by my comrades who offered their sympathy to me when they learned about my disappearance. When I discover Abel is staying at the headquarters, I say nothing more. Complex sadness and guilt run across my face when I look at him, and he is fully aware ever since we returned without Viktor and Zaiya.
"I-I couldn't save them..." I confess to Abel with a shaky voice. "Even the ones closest to me... I couldn't save. I'm so weak..."
"Sina," Abel's eyes are filled with grief, but he is adept at controlling his emotions. "I'm not blaming you for anything. Knowing Viktor, he was always the kind of person to take risks, and Zaiya was protective of him."
I have only been around their trio for a while, but I can only imagine how Abel has been around Viktor since the beginning is feeling. As for Zaiya, the world was always against her and I am disheartened by her twisted fate. The afterlife she mentioned before her dying breath... may she rest in peace along with Viktor in a place free of pain and suffering. Though they left this world so soon, they did not deserve that kind of ending.
"Why did it turn out this way?" I say, thinking all of this is unfair. Viktor and Zaiya deserved happiness, but there is no room for such feeling in this world. No matter what we do, misfortune will always follow.
"Nothing lasts forever," Abel says with eyes empty of expression. "Everything changes, fades, disappears completely right in front of you."
In this moment of silence, I seize the chance to hand over something to Abel and his eyes light up when he realizes it is a compass. "Did Viktor want me to have this?"
I nod without a word, allowing Abel to admire it until he looks up at me. "You're probably wondering what this compass means to us, huh."
My curiosity got the better of me, so I nodded again. Abel wears a soft smile despite his fatigued eyes and raises the compass between us, so I can have a closer look at it. "Viktor would nag me to have this compass, but I refused countless times since it belonged to his great-grandfather. It's the most valuable thing his family ever cherished for many years, and he wanted me to take it since I would make use of it. He knew I am more of an adventurous person." He continues sharing his memory with me. "Now that it's in my hand, I will use it to guide us out west outside the walls."
"Why west?" I ask, and his face shows he has an ambitious goal.
"You will see once I take us there." Whether it is right or wrong, Abel is determined to explore beyond our limits someday.
⚔︎
A Week Later...
The weather today is wet, rainy, and disgusting. I just want to sleep considering my mood is the same. I do love rain, the stormy beat on a roof always comforts me. By now, I feel among the raging chaos of the storm is serenity.
Spending free time on a rainy day, Abel and I sit on a pile of hay in a stable next to the headquarters. After grooming the horses, Abel pulls out his guitar and I pour myself a cup of herbal tea to enjoy the melancholic atmosphere by listening to some soft, mellow songs. I waited for him to play as he positioned his fingers on the strings, forming a chord with his left and strumming with his right. The way he is plucking out tunes makes my heart ring, slowly healing my soul and sweeping me off my feet. His sweet, singing voice blends beautifully with the guitar, creating a beautiful tune.
Today's weather makes everything perfect, yet this fellow over here has been keeping me company while Levi and everyone else are away to slaughter more titans in Wall Maria. My heart aches while listening to his guitar playing, the reason is that Abel lived with many invisible wounds, and the song resonates with me emotionally. Now I understand his pain. However, my sad look distracted him from playing.
"Sina?" Abel lowers his guitar when he watches me wipe away tears. "Don't try and hide it. I'm always willing to be a shoulder to cry on." His kindness shows me how he is different from most of us. It makes me worry that he is only acting this way to mask his sorrows.
From the stable, we can see two swords that mark the grave of Viktor and Zaiya. It is a heavy guilt we cannot retrieve their bodies, but their souls can rest in a peaceful place now. After some time of relaxation in the rain, Abel lays the guitar down on his lap.
"Sina, I will be taking a break from the military," Abel announces in a calm manner, which shocks me since I did not see this coming. Perhaps, the military reminds him too much of Viktor and Zaiya, and he needs time and space to heal from it.
"How long will you be gone for?"
"Not sure, but I do not intend on quitting," Abel says confidently. "I want to enjoy some scenery in Wall Rose, and maybe find a small house while I'm at it. Once the time feels right, we will journey west."
Abel wants to live a peaceful life in Wall Rose.