I'd hardly gotten past my overwhelming need for Azriel before I heard footsteps. Dropping my hands from my face, I looked over my shoulder. I didn't understand the mix of disappointment and relief when I saw Tamlin. His face held a concern I didn't deserve. I rose to my feet, smoothing my gown.
"I'm sorry. I'm fine to return to supper," I murmured. His head shook slightly as he walked up to me. My pulse quickened even more, the rush of heat already building in me making my flight response heightened. I trusted Tamlin far more than the others, but I supposed any male would have me on edge.
"There's no need to feel ashamed," he said softly, lifting a hand to brush my hair back. I frowned, tilting my head back to meet his eyes more clearly.
"Of course there is. I'd been taught that I shouldn't feel like this, Tamlin. I thought I'd given up on everything my mother taught me but now I am here and I need to hold onto those lessons," I whispered. His fingers wrapped themselves in my hair as he held my cheek, thumb brushing over my cheekbone. It felt too intimate, too betraying.
Oh, I hated the tears threatening me. Why did I cry so often now? I wanted to lay my mask down and never remove it. I wanted to feel Azriel or nothing at all.
"Why should you not feel it when it is only natural?" He asked, and I swore I felt his breath on my lips. He did not heal nearly as quick as I or my brother, so those lingering bruises and fresh ones still littered his face. Golden hair fell over the blackened skin of his eye.
"Because the Cauldron was cruel in its creation of females," I croaked. His bottom lip slid between his teeth as he looked between my eyes. I felt his other hand hover over my waist, and then he let it close around me. My eyes fluttered, heart pounding just as hard. His touch felt wrong because it was not his. It was not the male that held my heart in his hands.
Tamlin lowered his face, lips brushing mine. My hands mindlessly went to his fine jacket, bunching the fabric in my fists. I wanted to shove him away, but was I just so desperate for any touch? Did it have to be Azriel? Could Tamlin tear down the walls of insecurity and fear just as he did?
A sharp inhale flooded my lungs as Tamlin pressed his lips to mine. I was motionless for a moment, dwelling on the realization that his lips did not fit mine like Azriel's did. They were fuller and I could taste his blood where Emyr had split his lip just hours before. But the way his hand held my face and waist, pulling my body closer, I sensed that he needed this. As his bride, was it not my duty to enlighten him?
My eyes stung as I began to move my mouth with his. Tamlin kissed me slowly, tongue exploring as I pulled him closer. He was not right, but at least he was someone.
His hair tickled my cheek. I brought one of my hands up to tuck it back, though I laid my palm to his skin like he did to me. Tamlin hissed against my teeth, jolting at my touch. I flinched, dropping my hand to his shoulder.
"I'm sorry," I whispered, smother by his mouth. He kissed me harder then, pulling me by my waist until my stomach was flush with his hips. His fingers tugged my head back by my hair, granting him more access to my mouth.
I liked the kiss- truly, I did- but it was not my love. It was fueled by a desperation created by a similar trauma. A need to forget what our lives were outside of this moment. He was chasing his pleasure by grinding his hips against my stomach, not mine like Azriel had done. Still, I obeyed his silent wish and kissed him.
"Frey-."
I gasped, jerking in Tamlin's arm at the sound of my brother. Tamlin turned us, his body still pressed to mine. Rhys stood in the doorway, eyes narrowed on where my hand lay on Tamlin's shoulder. I did not fear my brother seeing me like this, it was my duty nonetheless, but I was utterly horrified when Azriel and Cassian walked in behind him.
His eyes went to my parted lips, then to Tamlin's. The evidence was there, even if we hadn't been pressed to each other. It was utterly terrifying. My brother looked over his shoulder as if sensing the threat looming behind him. Azriel had practically become his shadow; darkened eyes glaring through his downturned brows, leather glove tight at his knuckles as he fisted the hilt of the blade on his thigh.
Azriel stared at me with a clenched jaw, shadows whipping madly around his throat and chest. I cleared my throat, pulling away from Tamlin. His hands fell to his sides, his own throat clearing.
"Rhys," I managed, unable to turn my eyes from Azriel. I knew this look was the one given to his victims just moments before he played with them. Was he imagining my torture or Tamlin's? Gods, I wanted to fall to my knees and beg for his forgiveness.
"I wanted to announce that supper is finished and we will be leaving. I was hoping for the chance to speak with you. Alone," my brother spoke through his teeth, brow raising at Tamlin.
"Be my guest," Tamlin agreed, his hand splaying across my lower back. I still stared at Azriel as Tamlin pressed a kiss to the top of my head before walking out of the sitting room. It didn't escape me that he left through another door rather than passing by the threat awaiting him.
Rhysand clenched his teeth as he shot Cassian a look. Cassian gave a nod and turned, closing the large doors. My brother walked up to me hesitantly, eyes running over me as though he was gauging my well-being.
"Little Frey, what's going on in your mind?" He asked softly. His nickname for me was the final crack to my walls. My vision blurred as I tried to stand tall, to act like the Lady with no emotions. Rhysand's hand went to my cheek, head tilted to the side as he studied me. My lip trembled, feeling like the small child so frightened by her father's loud voice that I hid away in my brother's room. I shot forward, wrapping my arms around his waist and pressing my face into his chest.
"I want to go home," I whispered. A pained sound lifted from my brother's chest as he wrapped his arms around me.
"I know, and I'm sorry. I'll try to visit as often as I can, alright? Az and Cass, too. Perhaps we could get Mor here to spend some time with you," he rambled, face pressed to my hair.
"Rhys," Cassian's harsh voice sounded. It was like a warning, which had my skin chilling.
"Right. Frey, I need to speak with you. I need to warn you what's to come," my brother murmured. I stiffened. He pushed me back slightly, brushing my hair from my eyes. The way he crouched to my level, glancing to my eyes, I knew something horrible was coming. I couldn't stop myself from looking to Azriel, so swallowed in his shadows that he was nothing more than a towering presence of darkness.
"What is it?" My words came out in a breath. I couldn't see Azriel's features anymore. It was as though he had descended into his shadows entirely. He was nothing more than an abyss. I wanted to reach for him.
"Aled was bragging about having you here. I think he is going to test how far he can push you just to taunt our father. His sons were openly speaking about what... about what they've done to you and he encouraged them. Either they will be forcing Tamlin on you tonight, or it will be one of them. Do you understand me, Freyja? Aled will have Tamlin and you... you know, and I'm sure that they will be watching.
"Do you remember the traditions back when Father first became High Lord? It was custom for someone in the High Family to have an audience when consummating their marriage. It was to ensure the child that could be conceived would be the husband's. He- fuck- he invited us to watch. Freyja, you need to be strong. Do you want me to leave one of them here to witness this? To stop it if something goes wrong?"
I was vaguely aware of my eyes shifting to my brother's. A ringing pierced my ears, my legs threatening to fall. I'd be watched. I'd be raped and watched as it happened. My stomach churned, bile threatening me. My hands went to my mouth as I shook my head.
"It- it is not customary anymore," I blurted, shaking my head. Rhys sighed, glancing over his shoulder. He stiffened when he saw Azriel.
"He is High Lord. In his territory, anything goes. I cannot stop this from happening, but I can ensure one of my brothers to be here if you need them."
My eyes moved to Cassian. He stood with a hand over his mouth, glistening eyes. We'd never been that close, but I knew he'd protect me nonetheless. I steeled myself, sucking in a shaking breath.
"No, no. I don't want any of you to bare witness to that. I can handle it, Rhys. You know that. I'm tough." My voice betrayed me, breaking as I spoke my final words. Air rushed from him as he shot forward, wrapping me in his arms again.
"Do not fight it, Frey. I know it is horrid to say, but do not fight it. I cannot let you risk anything worse happening to you."
I nodded, holding my brother close to me. I wished he would stay, though I knew what was to come. It made no sense. There was no marriage to consummate. I couldn't even fathom why there had not been a ceremony yet.
"Be brave, little Frey. Be strong, be smart."
I nodded again. Rhys stepped back, smoothing my hair. Cassian let out a small sound as he stepped forward. His large arms spread wide and I could not stop myself from leaping to him. His body curled in around me as he held me to him. I tried not to cry. I wanted them to remember me as brave, despite what Azriel had witnessed earlier. He knew I was falling apart, but he'd never speak it.
Cassian released me with a long kiss to my hair. I turned to Azriel. He seemed to step from his shadows, fire light bringing his features out. My chin trembled when he lifted his arms. I ran to him, nearly leaping into his hold. I didn't care that my brother and Cass watched us. I held him to me because I needed to remember his touch. He insinuated that he'd be back, but I didn't know if it was true.
"I'm so sorry," I whispered into his chest. He, too, curled himself around me. His breath grazed the top of my ear.
"I love you."
His words were so quiet, I hardly heard them. I squeezed my eyes shut, breathing in the leather, spice, and juniper.
"I love you," I mouthed. I hoped he felt it, and from the way he held me tighter, I thought he may have.
Azriel loosened his hold on me all too soon. I inhaled deeply, praying his scent lingered on me long enough for me to focus on it when the time came.
I refused to meet his eyes, stepping away and casting my gaze to the floor. My brother left me with another kiss to my hair before the three of them left me alone. I could feel the moment Azriel had left this court. My chest ached with the heartbreak, my head pounded.
After too long of standing in the center of the sitting room, my eyes lifted to the sounds of boots. Aled was there, a cruel smile on his lips as he took me in. He raised a hand, fingers beckoning me forward. I obeyed, because who was I but a female to please a male in power?