We walked into Chew Chews and I stood in front of Dylan in line. I hadn't eaten here for lunch in weeks. Not since Tyler and Ari almost got into it again. I could hear Elle and Laura talking loudly about Laura wanting to give Elle a makeover. Elle argued that it was Laura who needed the makeover.
Dylan and James talked with the rest of the hockey players about the games coming on tonight. I stayed silent but kept my ears opened as we waited for our food in the small diner. Reece and Ryan were planning already for the Stone's Christmas Eve party. Miri and Danny were fighting as usual. Nina and Annie were talking about an upcoming shopping trip.
I finally found who I was looking for and locked eyes with Ari. I smiled shyly, testing the waters. He gave a small nod of acknowledgement.
He wasn't completely ignoring me.
That was a good sign. I had been ignoring him though and I knew it . I just didn't know why. I had this feeling in my gut that told me something was about to happen. It was like I had already set the plan in motion and now I could only sit back and watch it all unfold.
We finally got our food. I smiled at Jensen and followed her and Declan to sit at a table that already had Ari, Elle, Aaron, Laura, and Gavin. Dylan followed behind me. I looked around and noticed that Tyler and Brenna were nowhere to be seen. That let me breathe a bit. I found myself sitting across from Ari. That felt strange. What felt even stranger was the fact that I was okay not being nestled into his side.
I tried to pay attention to the conversations being had at the table so that I didn't have to make more eye contact with Ari.
Dylan looked over at Elle. "Hey your birthday is next month right?"
She nodded, "Yep, sweet sixteen."
"Can we expect a blowout?"
"I am actually planning some of the details tonight." She turned to me. "Want to come over and help?"
"Sure. Sounds fun," was my automatic response. The truth was, I wasn't sure how fun it would be over at Elle's tonight. I had a feeling Ari was waiting to get me alone. I wasn't ready for that. I was still trying to figure out what was going on in my head. This feeling had been poking at the outskirts of my brain the last few days and seemed to just be tunneling its way in whether I wanted it to or not.
Dylan kept on with the questions, "Is it going to be at Casa De Munro-Evans?"
She beamed, "No my parents are amazing and are renting out The Garage."
I smiled, "Got to love sweet sixteen."
"Yes and everyone in the group is allowed to invite five other people so there is a huge turnout."
I raised my eyebrow, "I don't think I know five other people."
She laughed. "Just pick some random kid in one of your classes and tell them the party is happening. Tell them to invite a few people."
I looked over at Jensen, the one person I had talked to besides the Family, and said, "Hey Elle is having a party. Invite four more people."
We both giggled.
Elle smirked, "See not that hard. We can talk more tonight."
I nodded and the subject changed. Jensen and Declan seemed to really be into each other. They talked politely with the group but I noticed how their eyes looked so much more engaged when they would wander off for a moment into their own conversation.
We all finished our meals and started packing up. I wasn't sure if I should ride back with Jensen and Declan or if I should go back with Ari. He seemed to read my mind as he told Elle he was going to catch a ride back with Dylan and me.
I felt his hand rest on the small of my back as we walked towards the car. It felt comforting. I climbed into the back of Dylan's truck with him and Jensen and Declan climbed into the front. It wasn't like we had a lot of privacy at the moment but we were at least somewhat alone. I smiled shyly again at him.
Ari looked quizzically back like he was trying to read my mind. If only I even knew what I was thinking. He leaned in and whispered into my ear, "What's going on with you Gorgeous? You've been off the last few days."
I leaned in and whispered as low as I could so that the others wouldn't hear, "I don't know. I can't shake it though. It's like my head is buzzing with words and feelings but not in a language I speak."
He nodded, "I get that. I've been there. You think it has something to do with your birthday? With Elyse and Patrick visiting?"
I shrugged and then slowly nodded. I wanted to cry. I missed them. I missed Jordan. I missed home and I felt like I wanted to throw a tantrum about it. But what good would that do? I couldn't do anything about it. That lack of control was making me mad. I knew Ari had nothing to do with it but for some reason I felt mad towards him. Towards this group of people that had taken me in. They had made me one of their own, and for no reason I could understand that had me down right pissed off. I couldn't explain it at all. There was no way I could even try to tell Ari this. So I just leaned back into his side and let the conversation die for now.
I made it through DIM with Ari and then auto piloted from there. I could have told anyone what the teacher said as I headed into Study Hall.
Jensen's smiling face broke me out of my robot trance. I sat next to her and started pulling out my books. Ten minutes later I found myself still reading the first line in the chapter I was on for Dante's. I closed it and my eyes. I started massaging my head trying to will all the thoughts away.
"Do you want to talk about whatever is bugging you?"
My eyes opened and I saw Jensen's concerned expression staring back at me.
"It's complicated."
She smiled, "I get complicated. Try me."
I swallowed hard. She was the only person I had met here who I could talk to about this who wasn't one of the family. Patrick would be back in Dallas right now and of little help. So I thought of how to explain this.
"So I moved here from Dallas against my will. Divorce. My dad won custody and moved me here when he got the new job."
"And Patrick and your sister visiting brought that fact up huh?"
She was good.
"That obvious huh?"
"I mean I would be pissed if my dad moved me to a new country half way through high school."
"I am. Really pissed. I thought I had gotten over it. Nope. Still mad."
"Seeing them made you mad?"
"No seeing them leave, did."
"At least you have friends here, right? I mean you have like a whole gang of them."
"That's where my feelings get complicated."
She nodded silently, not trying to figure out what that complication was before I could.
I shrugged, "I love my cousins and being around them and Ari and Elle. I have felt at home as much as I can because of them."
"But?"
"But it feels like they sucked me into this vortex where I landed in Pleasantville. It's like I didn't have to try and make friends here because of them but now..." I trialed off not sure of what I wanted to say. I sat there thinking for a moment. Jensen sat silent as I collected my thoughts. "Well now it's like I don't even have five people to invite to Elle's party."
"So you're feeling a little suffocated?"
Suffocated. Bingo.
Yeah that was a good way of putting it. I did feel like all the oxygen was being forced out of my lungs when Patrick and Elyse left. I felt like I couldn't breathe as I watched all these people get to be their family when my family couldn't be here with me. Not my sister, not Patrick, not Momma Jordan. Hell, I still had a slew of half siblings I rarely talked about. They were all back in Texas while I was stuck here. I loved my cousins but they weren't Elyse or Patrick.
I finally nodded at Jensen, "Yeah. You could say that. And maybe a little bitter."
"Why bitter?"
"Because Ari and Elle get to go home and have dinner with their siblings and their mom and dad. Dylan and Laura and James don't have to fly into a different country to see each other. I know it is stupid to feel like that. But I do."
Jensen shook her head, "I don't think it's stupid. I think you just haven't had the space to process all of these feelings. I mean have you vented out any of these feelings to them?"
I shook my head, "How could I? I mean they have been so nice and welcoming. I don't want to seem ungrateful or like I think they're not good enough. I just... Ugh, I don't know. I guess I just want some time to feel angry? Some space to feel mad? Does that make any sense?"
Jensen nodded in agreement, "It makes perfect sense. If you don't feel comfortable bringing this kind of stuff to them, find people you do. I mean I'm here for you. I can introduce you to some people who you might like to hang out with. Some people who don't make you feel 'trapped in a vortex'."
I smiled gratefully at her and nodded, "I would really like that."
"Cool. Let's hang out this weekend. I'll introduce you to some of my friends and you can see if you like them too."
Letting some of these emotions out of me felt like I had released a small amount of air out of the stress balloon that was waiting to pop in my skull.
I wondered if Jensen would share something personal with me. I was just too curious not to ask, "Don't tell me if you don't want to, but why'd you fail last year?"
Jensen rolled her eyes, "First semester I was a hot mess. I hung out with a crowd that wasn't exactly interested in going to school. My way of rebelling I guess. My parents are gone a lot. Work trips for my dad, spa trips for my mom. They didn't even notice that I wasn't going to school until I got truancy. I am technically only a semester behind but I still count as a grade ten. The councilors said I can take summer school to graduate on time. Cross country wants me to stay though. I got into running when I stopped running away from school."
Jensen laughed at her own pun.
"Are you looking to get scholarships for cross country?"
She nodded, "Hence why they want me to stay. It would just be easier on my GPA and I can focus on Cross Country instead of summer school. I think I am going to be stuck just taking classes for another year. I started school early anyways. My mom had me enrolled in this stupid program for like gifted toddlers."
She started to laugh at the memory. I liked her laugh.
"So you're how old?"
"I turned sixteen in July."
We trailed off and I started back into Dante.
Our little talk pepped me up enough to get through Spanish and I was actually looking forward to English.
Tyler was there already when I walked in.
I had almost forgotten about our little exchange the day before. Falling started playing in my head when I saw him.
I had to stop liking that song.
"What's up Little H?"
I shrugged, "Just ready for the weekend."
"Already? It's Monday."
"Feels like I've been moving non stop for days."
"I understand that feeling."
We got to work in our group today and it was nice just to relax into school work. It kept my brain off of life.
After school I rode home with Elle. We got set up at her dining room table to start planning out her party."
"So my parents are making me let RWS play."
"Well they are a crowd pleaser."
I looked over as Ari came to sit next to me. He shrugged, "As long as he stays the hell away from Alex I am okay with that."
"Oh I will tell him, no worries there. So let's move on to food."
We talked for another hour about party plans. Then Elle dismissed us. We ducked into Ari's room to watch some Netflix. I told my dad I was staying late studying with Elle.
I finally decided to try and talk with him about all the thoughts buzzing in my head. "Sorry I haven't been myself lately."
"You've had a lot going on. It happens. People get stressed out."
"It's not just that."
His eyebrow raised, "What is it then?"
I took a deep breath, "I have felt pretty moody since Patrick and Elyse were here and even worse when they left. I also have been feeling pretty guilty about the whole Tyler situation. The fact that I can't seem to smooth any of it over."
I felt his muscles tense. "Alex if you want to hang out him then do it. I'm not your keeper. You just spent the last few days cuddled up with your ex and now you want to hang out with the guy who has had a hard on for you since you landed in Toronto."
"You are making it sound a lot worse than what is really going on Ari."
"No, I am pointing out that my girlfriend hasn't texted or called me in days, has apparently had all this shit on her brain but she doesn't want to talk to me about it. You want to talk to random people like Jensen or your ex-brother-boyfriend-fuck buddy, but not me."
"I am trying to talk to you about it! And ew, don't ever talk about Patrick like that."
"Seriously? That's what you're going to point out of what I said?"
I got off the bed and grabbed my bag. I looked back at him, still a statue. "Fuck off."
His face cracked then. I flew down the stairs and out the front door.
I heard his voice calling my name but ignored it as I walked down the street toward my own house. I was almost to my front door when I saw two figures jogging towards me. Even in the dim glow of the street lights I could tell that it was Dylan and James. I actually wanted my cousins at this point.
I tried wiping my eyes before they saw me but Dylan seemed to sense that something was off. I ran up into his arms as they embraced me like a rock. The water gates opened again and I did not have the strength to hold it back any more. Dylan picked me up like a child and we all headed inside.