As I waited patiently in the diner I felt my skin growing hot from my accelerated heard beat. It had been a few days since I had been in Philadelphia with Jada and my parents and of course I had kept my promise to Ashley. We were meeting today, or we were supposed to be, but something in me felt that she wasn't going to show. I didn't know how true that was because she had seemed pretty desperate to talk, yet she was already ten minutes late.
Drew had been on edge about this meeting, and I didn't blame her one bit, but I knew she had nothing to worry about. I knew when I would see Ashley I would get the familiar sense of anger and sadness, but I never felt anything other than that. There was no longing, no attraction, nothing but hard feelings. I thought it was a good sign, and I knew after this meeting it would hopefully seal the deal of us being over. Leaving me to start fresh with my new found sense of freedom and focus all on Drew.
I sipped my second coffee, checking my phone and realizing she was now twelve minutes late. I would give her twenty, and if she didn't show I would be forced to deal with no closure on my own. This was her last and final chance, and if she didn't show in eight minutes I would leave.
I stared down into my cup, overthinking everything that had happened in the past three years. I had absolutely no idea what Ashley could say, I had no idea what she had been up to, but I knew it was the same for her. Maybe that's why she was chickening out, because she didn't know what she was even going to say to me.
I could only hope it would be the truth, that's the least she could give to me after all this time. I wanted to know why. Why she felt the need to destroy me. Why she felt the need to lie and hide behind my back when all she had to do was be honest. Why she had to ruin everything.
I checked my phone once more, Fifteen minutes late now... I rolled my eyes, wondering if I should just leave now. I had nothing to do for the rest of this boring Wednesday, but staying longer than twenty minutes seemed way too lenient. She probably wouldn't show, and I wouldn't be shocked if she didn't.
Then as I finished the thought I heard the door open to the diner, my ex shuffling through and looking around for me. I felt my heart clench in pain, those eyes I used to love so much now only evoking pain and regret. It was sad really, but I had to face this, I had to talk to her.
She walked over to me timidly, and I could tell she was just as nervous as I was. It was weird, how we had gone from being absolute best friends to people who barely knew each other. It killed me a little bit on the inside, but I had learned that people come and go awhile back.
She sat across from me, "Hey, I'm sorry I'm late... My car was having a hard time starting with the cold."
I nodded, knowing the struggle but realizing I was actually relieved she had made it before her twenty minutes were over. I sighed, "It's fine, I was just worried you were gonna bail."
I saw something in those familiar eyes that used to hold love for me, and there was still some there I recognized, but it was too late for that now. She ran her hands through her messy hair, which I knew from experience was from nervousness. Some things you just don't forget I guess.
"I wouldn't bail, besides, this whole meeting is kind of because of me," she confessed, me already knowing that it was true. Of course I had agreed because I needed it too, but if she hadn't showed up that night at Cielo I probably would've never seen her again.
I took a deep breath, staring down into my coffee and waiting for her to start. It was almost awkward, which was painful because nothing with Ashley used to be awkward. Everything had been unconditional and great, and we had been best friends before anything, but we were nothing now.
Nothing but strangers.
She took in a deep breath, "Bree... I don't know where to start. It's just been so long and I shouldn't have waited but-"
"Let's start with why," I interrupted, realizing the last thing I wanted was for her to beat around the bush. I was here for closure, not recollection, and establishing that was absolutely necessary.
I didn't need to elaborate, she understood, and I could see pain in those olive-colored eyes. She knew I wasn't here to rekindle whatever we had before; I was here to extinguish it.
She played with her hands, "I don't really know how to answer that..."
"Well try," I demanded, realizing I wasn't leaving until she did so. I deserved this, she knew that, and I'd be damned if she was going to try and take that away from me. She had taken away enough.
"Back then I was lonely, Bree. You were a hundred miles away, I couldn't see you, and he was there for me whenever you weren't... things just happened. I never meant to hurt you-"
"You meant to hurt me, don't give me that bullshit, Ashley," I intruded once more, realizing she was still kind of full of shit. She was rendered speechless then, allowing me to finally get things off of my chest. The things I had been dying to let out for over three years.
"Here's the thing, Ashley. I know things happen, I understand people fall in and out of love and things change with time, but what you did to me... it's unforgiveable. At least for now. I was supposed to be your best friend. I was supposed to be more than just your girlfriend. You lied, consistently for months behind my back on purpose, so don't sit here and try to make yourself look like the victim."
I watched her eye twitch, knowing my tone wasn't the most pleasant. I didn't care though, I realized I was still pissed over everything, and that was evident. I waited for a decent response this time.
She sighed, "How was I supposed to tell you when you were in New York? How was I supposed to tell you when I knew I would never see you again if I did that?"
I felt my jaw clench in response, realizing that had been the reason she didn't tell me. She had lied to me for selfish reasons, keeping the truth hidden because she couldn't lose me. It wasn't because she was scared to hurt me; it was because she wanted the best of both worlds, and that fucking stung.
I leaned forward, "You reason was selfish, and you and I both know that. I lost all respect for you, Ashley, because you were the one I respected most. You fucked me, and you fucked everything we ever had the day you decided to start lying to me. I was killing myself trying to make us work all while you were fucking someone else behind my back. Are you joking? Was that all I ever was to you? A fucking phase or something? You're supposed to fight for things you love, and that's what I did, relentlessly. All you did was fucking run."
Her eyes were wide, and I didn't care if people were looking. I was hurt, completely torn in half just like I had been three years ago when I had seen the truth. I was drowning; I was breaking down and building myself back up all at the same time. Who had I really been in love with? Because the girl in front of me was nothing like I had thought she was.
I had fucked up, bad, and it had destroyed me.
I realized I had gotten my answer, and it hadn't even taken ten minutes. Ashley was someone I didn't know anymore, and maybe I had never known her, but the closure was there. I would need time to repair but I would survive. I would be okay, but I couldn't stare at the sandy-haired girl I used to be in love with anymore.
Just the sight of her made me sick now.
I stood suddenly, grabbing my things as I looked at her, "Thank you for finally showing me who you really are."
I went to walk past her but she grabbed my arm, standing with me, "Bree please, let me explain myself. I need you to know-"
"Let go of me," I said through clenched teeth, realizing I was close to tears. I yanked away from her then, feeling my heart break slowly inside my chest. This was it; this was what real closure felt like. I was walking away from the girl that had caused me so much pain for good, and I would finally be able to repair myself the right way.
She dropped my arm and I darted outside, feeling the coldness breathe some life into me. I felt the tears run down my face but I knew I shouldn't be afraid of them. The pain was real, burning my chest and making it hard to breathe, like when you run just a little too long. I panted, trying to make my way over to my car to leave.
My hand barely grazed the handle when I felt another set of hands on my shoulders, the touch burning ever fiber in my body.
I was forced to turn, coming into contact with a frantic look in my ex's eyes. Why wouldn't she let me go? Why couldn't she let me be happy? Why was she forcing me to relive every fucking memory we ever had? Why was she trying to ruin every ounce of love inside my body?
She mumbled something but the pain was deafening, and I didn't hear it. All I could see was her lips moving, saying something along the lines of "don't leave me again". I was trying my best to keep myself together but it was getting so hard. I used to love this girl so much; it had taken every ounce of strength to leave her whenever I had gotten accepted to NYU. It had broken my heart leaving her at the end of the summer; it had been like I was leaving a big part of me. I had counted the seconds till she texted me back, I had a countdown on my calendar to when the next time I would see her would be.
Funny how things change.
Then my hearing came back long enough to hear, "I'm still in love with you."
It was like my knees had given up, the pain settling right on over my shoulders. This couldn't be happening, not after three years of me fooling myself thinking I was over us. I blinked back tears, the shock most likely obvious on my features. How could she do this to me? What had I ever done to deserve this amount of heart ache?
I shook my head, "Don't you fucking say that, don't..."
I yanked away from her but I felt those soft hands on my cheeks, forcing my eyes to look at her. I saw the girl I had met in high school, that laugh I had fallen in love with the first time I had heard it. Those eyes I woke up to countless times and the morning kisses we shared. I remembered our first date and our last date, I remember loving her with everything in me and how it had been the most bitter-sweet thing when I just heard her confess her love for me. I couldn't believe her if I wanted to though, and she was probably just lonely. I was nothing to her; I had always been nothing to her.
Then the world stopped as she brought her lips to mine, I felt my heart break even more then. I tasted the tears on my lips but I couldn't pull away. I wanted to accept the fact that I had missed this, but I immediately thought about Drew. This was nothing like her, this was so much less. It would never equal up to Drew, and that was reason enough to push her off of me.
I mumbled, "Fuck you."
"Breanna, please," she begged but I opened the door to my car and locked it behind me.
Driving off quickly I tried suppressing the tears and disgust that seemed to overtake me. This was it; this was me driving away from my past. The closure would come soon enough, and soon I would have the freedom I had deserved for over three years.
Soon I would be free from Ashley's hold, and soon I would be able to finally start my relationship with Drew.
~ ~ ~ ~
The next few days passed painfully slow, as if the universe knew I needed extra time to collect myself before going back to New York. Christmas Eve came and went, Christmas morning was a blur but I remembered most of it. I remember my extended family coming over and laughing joyfully when all I could do was stare blankly at the ground. I tried to seem happy but the talk with Ashley had destroyed me, and I was slowly putting the pieces back together. In all actuality I was ready to get back home to Drew. I was tired of this town, at least for the time being, and I knew if I was with Drew everything would heal a lot faster.
Christmas day ended with me lying in my bed, reliving every painful memory I could remember with Ashley. I tried searching for reasons that this had happened to me, I searched high and low, and analyzing the words she had said to me. I replayed our conversations in my head and listened to the tone of her voice. I remembered certain things that should've stuck out like a sore thumb my first semester at NYU. I should've seen it coming, but when you're trapped in a box you can't see the light.
I saw the light now that I was out and free, and it was disgusting knowing the things I could've recognized before all of it went to shit.
Drew was asleep, she had hopefully been for a few hours now but I couldn't seem to calm my mind enough to relax. I was desperate to escape my thoughts but it was impossible, all the pain was too much for me to fall asleep. I knew if I was with Drew it would be different, but I would have to suffer one more night without her.
God this week had been torture without her. I didn't want to part from her any time soon after I got back. I missed her touch, I missed her kiss, and I missed the way her light eyes engulfed me and never pulled away. I missed her warmth, and the way her voice always seemed to soothe me at night. I missed her, and I was ready to tell her how I felt. I was scared to get back because what if she realized she was fine without me? Oh God that would be the icing on top of the cake, wouldn't it?
After everything with Ashley, Drew leaving would probably destroy me for good, and I wasn't sure if I could come back form that.
Stop thinking everyone's going to leave, that's not true, I thought to myself, wishing it was easy to just believe it. I didn't want to think about Drew leaving, it brought a tremendous amount of pain, but what if that was what was waiting for me back home?
I rolled over, facing the clock that read 1:30 AM, knowing I really needed to get to bed. Jada would drive tomorrow but I didn't want to sleep the entire way. Keeping Jada company was good for her, especially on the long stretch of highway.
I closed my eyes and prayed, wishing I remembered to do it more. I was desperate for sleep, desperate for some sort of mercy, praying that tomorrow came quick.
~ ~ ~ ~
The car ride back had probably been the longest thing within this entire messed up week, but when we finally made it back I didn't even unpack my suitcase. I threw everything in my room, hailed a cab, and went straight to Drew's. She of course knew I was coming even when it was late, but I was just so desperate to see her face. I had it bad and I knew it, but there was nothing I wanted more than to feel her arms wrapping around me. I needed it, I needed her, and I felt telling her soon was becoming more and more necessary.
When the cab pulled up outside her apartment I couldn't get out fast enough. I left the driver my remaining cash and ran to her door, feeling the coldness of the night settle around me for only a split second.
I knocked quickly, looking up at the sky and seeing the overcast night. I shivered in my coat, clutching my purse close to me as I heard her hurrying to unlock the door from the other side.
My heart was slamming against my chest, as if I hadn't seen her in months, which sounded exaggerated but I was convinced she couldn't open the door fast enough. When she did I threw myself inside, my arms wrapping around her like we were two opposite magnets with no will to stay apart. She closed the door behind me while she held me close, allowing me to take in the smell of her shampoo and mint. It hadn't changed; everything so far was the same, which I was grateful for.
She whispered, "I missed you too."
I smiled into her neck, realizing I was fighting tears but knew I was being a little overly sensitive now. I fought them away and pulled back, grabbing her face and landing my lips on hers gently. I sighed in relief at the contact, the warmth I had missed finally overtaking my entire body. I melted there, the coldness I had felt for the past few days disappearing with one simple kiss from Drew.
I breathed deeply through my nose, not wanting to pull away from her but knowing I would have to if I wanted to breathe properly.
She smirked, "So, I want to give you your present."
I grabbed the front of her shirt with both of my hands, smiling like an idiot, "Maybe later."
I kissed her again, harder this time so she got the hint. I knew I was probably taking it too far but if she wanted me to stop all she had to do was say so. I felt her breathing stagger as well, knowing she was just as excited as I was to see me. God it hadn't been this intense before had it? I couldn't imagine kissing anyone else after this. There was just no way.
I found myself walking her back towards the nearest piece of furniture, which so happened to be her couch. I needed to sit or something. There was no way I could keep myself up while kissing her like this. I remembered the last time I had done something like this and it had turned out horrible. That had been three months ago, so maybe this time would be different.
I sat Drew on the couch, climbing on top of her and straddling her lap. I could feel her tense under me but she didn't protest. I wanted her to remain slightly calm so I grabbed her hands and placed them on my hips, making her feel in control. I may have been on top but she could do as she pleased, and I would comply.
My lips held no mercy over hers though, and she was surrendering at least that to me. I couldn't get enough of it, like I was a manic drug user and she was my fix, except I would never be satisfied. The withdrawals from her had been deadly, but she was all mine now and I couldn't seem to control myself.
I bit her lip and I felt her hands grip my hips in response, giving me a sense of satisfaction as I felt her grow more comfortable. This was testing the waters right? Seeing how far we could go before we had to stop? Would she even stop me? I hoped not.
There was a fire between us, it had been there since the day we had met. My body had no control over itself whenever I was under Drew's spell, and being like this only intensified the lust. Although Drew and I had the physical chemistry, the emotional connection was there. It made everything one hundred times better, and just the tiniest touch or sound from Drew could send me spiraling over the edge.
Drew pushed my jacket off of my shoulders, revealing my white button down I had worn home. It surprised me whenever her skilled fingers began unbuttoning my shirt, but I wasn't going to stop her. I needed her, and I didn't know if it was because of the whole Ashley thing but when I felt her lips on my bare chest I realized it was.
She didn't know Ashley had kissed me, and she didn't know that Ashley had confessed still being in love with me. I couldn't keep that from her, could I? That would be wrong, maybe as wrong as what Ashley had done to me all those years ago.
Oh but why was I thinking about this whenever Drew was obviously willing to take things further tonight? Why couldn't that thought have waited a few hours?
I breathed a desperate, "I need to tell you something," as I watched her dark eyes look up into mine. She pulled back and seemed to ready herself for some awful news, and I was convinced she wouldn't like it one bit.
She shook her head, "I don't like the sound of that."
I stood and re-buttoned my shirt as I slowly came down off of my high. God this wasn't going to go over well with her, I just knew it, but I couldn't keep it from her. I felt disgusting after Ashley had kissed me, but I needed to lay it on the table with Drew. I needed her to know that way I wouldn't have to lie.
I groaned, running my hand through my hair, "When me and Ashley met... we had it out of course but when I was leaving..." I caught glimpse of her eyes now, and there was obvious fear of what was about to come out of my mouth. I let it all out, "She kissed me, and then she told me she was still in love with me."
I saw everything inside Drew change, something that actually kind of struck a deathly fear into my heart. I could feel the rage coming off of her but she was holding it in, I could tell, which only scared me further.
She mumbled through the pain, "Awesome."
Oh God, did she think I was planning on getting back together with my ex? She couldn't think that, could she? Yet, Drew seemed to be insecure over her, and I wouldn't put it past her to assume that. I needed to explain, and once I did that maybe she would understand a little better.
I sat next to her, "Drew, I didn't kiss her back. I shoved her off of me, and then I basically told her to fuck herself."
I felt Drew relax as she breathed a tiny breath of relief, as if I had removed the dagger from her heart. I didn't want to hurt her but I didn't want to lie either, I didn't want to be Ashley. I was determined to make things with Drew the most honest as I could, and if it hurt her I would be there to help her mend it.
She shook her head, "Now I have to beat her ass."
I laughed to myself, grabbing Drew's hand, "I think she'll do that on her own."
Drew's eyes took me in, "She really told you she was still in love with you?"
I nodded, "I was as shocked as you, maybe even more. She's just lonely, there's no way she's still in love with me."
"It's hard not to love you," Drew blurted, and then I saw something cross her features. Had she really said that? She obviously hadn't meant to let it slip but it did, and to my surprise it didn't scare me. Not one bit.
Her scared eyes looked at me, but I think admitting it to herself was scarier than admitting it to me. I teased, "So you love me?"
"Please... don't," she smirked then, the red flushing her cheeks. I would let it settle there because I didn't think we were ready for the love talk, but now I knew Drew cared about me a lot more than I realized. "Can I give you your present now?"
I nodded, "And I can't wait to give you yours."
She led me upstairs, holding out a book with a red and green bow on top of it. I recognized it as the book that she had been reading a few months ago, Tipping the Velvet, and I took it from her. I questioned, "You're giving me your book?"
"No," she confessed, "It's brand new. You know I can't give away my own books. I figured you could start reading since you'll have more time."
I felt myself blushing at her thoughtfulness, knowing she had kept true to her promise about keeping it under fifty. It was the meaning behind it that really got me smiling though, and I absolutely loved it. I couldn't wait to read it.
I dug in my purse and pulled out the flash-drive, smiling, "You'll have to plug it into your laptop to see it."
She took it from me and smiled, the curiosity still laced in her features. She hurried to the computer, opening it up and sticking the flash drive in. It contained a bunch of songs, including some Drew and I had danced together, others that I just enjoyed myself. The first song on the playlist played, a slow tune that I had heard while searching for our potential duet song. It hadn't made the cut but I had fallen in love with it immediately anyway, so I kept it.
She stood, turning the volume up on her computer, "What's this song called?"
"If I Fall by Aqualung. It was almost our duet song but I decided against it."
I could see the smile growing as she held out her hand, allowing me to accept it. I knew she liked it, and when she pulled me into her I nearly fainted. She wanted to dance, and I would gladly accept.
"I love it," she confessed.
"As much as you love me?" I teased once more.
"You..." she trailed off, smirking, "Are something else, Breanna Kelly."
"If I fall... will you catch me?" I sang the lyrics to her, leaning up and capturing her lips with mine. This was my safe haven, and this is where I belonged. I didn't care about anything else when I was with Drew. Ashley vanished, and that was the most important thing I had to remember. Ashley wasn't Drew, she would never be, and maybe that was the reason I was falling so hard. Drew was where I belonged, and Ashley had just been a stepping stone leading me to her.
Drew kissed my forehead then, mumbling, "I'll always catch you."