When you are anticipating something, time is cruel, dragging on slowly, making you live every one off those seconds twice as long. But time is also cruel when you dread something, racing past like the world outside of a train window, barely giving you enough time to process your destination.
This was the second type. The more I stressed about detention with Remus Lupin that evening, the faster the day flew by. Dinner was so fast, I barely managed to eat anything. The clock struck seven as I made my way into the library. Remus was at his usual place at the front desk and gave me a half smile as I entered.
"Hey Tessa." He greeted warmly which I returned with a cold stare.
"Lupin." I clutched my books to my chest, frowning slightly. He had the sense to realize I was upset at him. He faulted over the desk in a very startling manor, causing me to stumble backwards. I bumped into someone behind me, and my books fell to the floor with a thud.
"Are you okay?" He asked, gracefully scooping them up. I reached to take them back, but he refuses, insisting on carrying them for me.
"I can't believe you ratted me out to Sprout." I hissed, falling into a chair at the table he'd selected for us. I crossed my arms over my chest and glared as the boy sat next to me.
"Ratted you out?" Remus drops the books on the table, the weight of them causing the table to shake. "I was trying to help you."
"I had it under control." I snapped, snatching whatever book was on top and opening it to a random page.
"Clearly not." He muttered, poking through my books to see what I had.
"What's that supposed to mean." I snapped the book closed, turning on him.
"It's okay to ask for help." His brown eyes peered into mine, frustrated that I was frustrated.
"I don't need help." I said through gritted teeth. "I can figure this out by myself."
"Surprised they let you into Hufflepuff those pride issues. Sound more off a Slytherin to me." He bit back, causing me to flinch.
"Well, I wasn't willing to murder my own family, so they wouldn't let me in." I retorted angrily. My frustrations morphing into full on fury. Not wanting to put up with this insufferable boy, I stormed out of the library, completely abandoning all of my books and my bag.
Once out into the corridor, I broke into a sprint, blindly running through the castle to find some solitude. I'm not sure why my feet carried me there, but I found myself at the top of the astronomy tower when my feet finally stopped. I made my way to the rail and gazed out over the trees.
With a pang in my chest, I realized Remus was right. This was a wonderful place to watch the sunset. Tears leaked from my eyes as I watched the evening sun turn the clouds a beautiful array or orange and cotton candy pink. Below the clouds, the tall pines reminded me of Remus's favorite color as well.
He just didn't understand. None of them did. But I felt like I needed to do this on my own. I needed to be able to be a good witch. A strong one. Not one using tutors and staff as a crutch.
Footsteps behind me caused me to spin around. A familiar flop of soft brown hair appeared and I groaned. He had followed me. He approached me, leaning on the rail beside me.
"Why can't you see that I just want to help?" He asked softly, tilting his head to look at me.
"I don't want help." I responded, my voice thick from tears.
"Why not?" Remus challenged, almost daring me to have a good reason.
"Because if I'm not a good witch, then I've endangered my family for nothing." I whispered, not even sure if he could hear, or if my words were stolen by the breeze. "They've had to sacrifice everything for me. Their home, their friendships, their family. The least I can do is have the decency to make that sacrifice worth something. But it seems that it was for nothing. I'm barely enough to count as a witch."
"Tessa." His tone was softer now, as if comforting a sick child. "You are plenty enough to count as a witch. I've never seen anyone study as hard as you. Well, maybe with the exception of Lily Evans. But you don't have to do this alone. Please let me help you."
My head shifted to meet his. The earnestness in his eyes tugged at my heart.
"You were right about the sunset. It's beautiful up here." I pause for a moment. "I suppose you're right about more than that though."
"Is that a yes?" He gave me his stupid, charming, half smile.
"Yes. I'll accept your help." I sighed, caving. What harm could it do anyway? It certainly wouldn't make me worse in my studies.
"You won't regret it!" He stepped back, pumping a fist in the air. "You'll be top of your classes in no time! That's the Lupin guarantee!"
"Can I get that in writing?" I joked, wiping the remaining tears off of my face.
"Nope, not a chance." He grinned, offering a hand out to me. "Ready?"
"Not at all." I slipped my hand into his and let him pull me towards the stairs. My cheeks flamed at the simple touch. It took a lot of willpower not to lace my fingers with his, changing the meaning of the gesture. At the bottom of the steps, he remembered that we were still holding hands and quickly dropped it. He continued on, not looking at me. I followed a few steps behind, trying not to miss the warmth of his touch.
We returned to the library to actually begin the tutoring. My tantrum had lost us a good forty minutes, but thankfully he didn't bring it up. Instead, I asked me where I was in each of my classes and we drafted a schedule. Despite my detention only being for a week, he scheduled out way further than that.
Next I showed him my previous assignments, cringing as he looked them over. I did a poor job of hiding the damage. My best grade had been the "exceeds expectations" in potions that Ray had earned me. The remainder of my assignments averaged to "poor."
"How were your OWLs last year?" He questioned, flipping though the papers.
"Good. Mostly Os and Es. The A in history was the only exception." I told him, hoping he would believe me.
"What happened?" His brow creased as he tried to understand how such good grades could drop over the summer.
"I'm a muggleborn. I spent my summer running. Never in one place long enough to do anything other than sleep and eat." I scratch at the table with my fingernail, not wanting to see the pity on his face. "I didn't have time to review anything, or read ahead. I started out the year behind. And then I have this pressure to do well, which somehow only causes me to do the opposite."
"If it's a matter of catching up and focus, that's fixable. For a moment, I was worried you were just dumb."
My eye shoot up to his, ready to fight again. He snickered, satisfied with the rise he got out of me.
"Very funny, Lupin." I rolled my eyes, hoping the rest of the conversation became... less personal.
"Yes, I am." He readily agreed, not hesitating in the slightest. "How about we start with charms. You had a lot of good points in your essay, you just paired them with the wrong reasons."
"What do you mean?" I look down at the paper with confusion.
"Here."
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I entered the charms classroom early the next day. Lupin had helped me revise my paper last night, and advised me to ask if I could resubmit. The worst Professor Flitwick could say was no. Thankfully the Professor was already in the room, preparing for class.
"Hello, sir?" I slowly approached the front of the room where he was sorting papers.
"Good morning, Miss Downing, what can I do for you?" He placed whatever he was working on down to give me his full attention.
"I wanted to talk to you about my most recent assignment." I started nervously.
"Yes, not your best work, I'm afraid." He didn't look annoyed at my lack of understanding, just sad for me.
"I know professor. I know it's not standard, but I did redo it. And I was wondering if you could take a look at it." With shaking hands I pulled the new parchment from my bag and hold it out to him. After the longest two seconds of my life, he took it.
"I'll have it back to you Tuesday." He said, quickly tucking the paper away. I nodded, giving him a grateful smile before retreating to my seat. I hadn't mentioned a new grade or anything, so I wasn't expecting that. But it made me feel better to submit some better quality work.
The rest of the class started arriving and Eddie sat behind me. I never really noticed until then, but he apparently did that in every class we shared.
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In defense that day I am actually able to disarm my opponent twice. Which still isn't much, but it twice more than Tuesday, so I accept the improvement. As soon as class is over, I rushed to the library, excited to update Lupin on the results of his efforts so far.
I burst into the quiet room, lips already forming Lupin's name when I'm stopped dead in my tracks. Madam Pince was the one sitting behind the desk today. I quickly composed myself and quietly approached the desk.
"Excuse me Madam?" I say in a soft whisper.
"What is it?" She hissed back, not in the mood.
"I was wondering where Mr. Lupin was? I needed to ask him a question." I asked politely.
"He's shelving. Don't ask me where." She didn't even look up from her work. Not wanting to disturb her anymore, I thank her and hurry away. After about ten minutes of searching I managed to find him. I practically ran to him to tell him.
"Lupin!" I called a little too loudly resulting in a nearby Ravenclaw shooting me a dirty look.
"Hey, Tess. How was class?" He shoved the book he was holding onto the shelf, looking at me over his shoulder.
"Better! Flitwick accepted the paper! I don't know if he'll change my grade, but it's something. Also I managed to successfully disarm twice in defense class. That's in comparison to the zero times, previously." I was bouncing on my toes with excitement.
"Woah," he chuckles, "any more successes and your feet won't even touch the ground."
"Very funny, Mr. Library, sir." I snorted, but still calmed my bouncing. A little bit. I couldn't stop it completely.
"Congrats." He said genuinely, enjoying my happiness.
"Thank you!" I almost wrapped my arms around him, but remembered last minute that not everyone was a Hufflepuff.
"What are friends for?" He shrugged off my gratitude. "I'm just glad to help."
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The rest of my classes passed not great, but not terrible either. At dinner, I kept sneaking glances up at the boy at the front table. He was talking and laughing with McGonagall about something. I liked the way his hair fell over his eyes as he laughed.
"Tess." Jeni elbowed me, pulling back to reality.
"Hm?" I turned back to her, not having heard anything she was saying.
"Girl." She did not look pleased. "I know we teased you about Mr. Lupin, but you seriously can't go there."
"I'm not!" I protested, offended that she would even suggest. Also mortified that she caught me looking at him.
"I'm not blind. You're practically drooling." My best friend pushed her plate away. Apparently I had ruined her appetite.
"He's just a friend." I promised, remember his words in the library earlier.
"You're not supposed to "friends." He's staff. We're your friends." It's with these words that I realize. I had been spending almost all of my free time in the library. And my association, near Lupin.
"You're right. I'm sorry. How about we do something together this weekend. For fun." I proposed, hoping that she would accept.
"Fine. But only if you promise to be careful. A crush like that will get your heart broken."
"I don't have a crush." I said, even so, glancing up at the boy in question. He happened to choose that moment to look at me as well. Our eyes locked and neither of us looked away for a beat too long. He nodded to the door with a subtle movement and I realized that it was almost seven.
"Liar." Jeni accused.
"I've got to go. I have detention." I scrambled off the bench, nearly tripping into the aisle.
"Again? Sinistra must have been in a bad mood. How long you in for?" Jeni dropped the subject of Lupin.
"Sprout gave me a week. So six more to go. It's starts at seven." I glanced up at the clock in the great hall to see it read six fifty-seven.
"With who? All the professors are still here. It's not with Filch is it?"
"No, thankfully not." I assured, picking my bag up off the floor. My eyes went to the door where Lupin was walking out into the hall. Jeni followed my line of sight.
"Are you kidding me?" She yelled, causing the puffs around us to look at her.
"Bye Jeni. I'll see you later." I hurried out of the room, feeling her eyes boring into my back the whole way.