The next day was as somber as the last. My brothers and I were silent as we climbed from my bed and went our separate ways. I bathed, my mind and body not even having the energy to cringe at my scars or marks. I didn't have the energy to hate myself when all of it was spent on Alcaeus.
Your fault.
You ruined her.
Your actions condemned her.
Monster.
By the time I was dressed, I could hardly catch my breath. The guilt and hatred was overwhelming. I was sure I'd collapse with exhaustion soon, too. I knew Rhys and Cass had slept the night before, but I had not. My mind was too occupied with plotting and dwelling.
I tried to sip the tea that Cassian had made but it tasted foul on my tongue. I couldn't bear to eat or drink, not knowing what Freyja was dealing with. Tamlin was the weakest, which meant he had the most to prove. Despite Rhysand's constant reassurance that Tamlin was kind and good, I knew he'd do anything his father or brothers told him if it meant earning their respect. Rhysand often told me how bruised and broken Tamlin was. The kid was abused, of course he would do anything to get into his father's good graces.
I could send my shadows, but the coward in me couldn't face hearing of her sorrows. After last night, I didn't know what state she would be in. I stumbled up the stairs to the training ring, needing the peace of flying. I stretched my wings, staring at the eastern sun as it laid a golden light over the city. I brought in a heavy breath, stepping to the edge. I let my arms spread wide, tucked in my wings, and I fell.
Wind tore at my clothes and hair as I plummeted along the cliffside. I enjoyed the weightlessness, the jolt in my stomach and the sensation of looming death. I watched the ground near me, and then I spread my wings. My breath rushed out of me at the sudden halt. I rolled my wings down and aimed for the rising sun.
It would take a couple hours to get to the Moonstone Palace, but I needed that time. I needed it because I hadn't been alone long enough to let my mask fall. The stoic, unmoving version of myself fell away as I cleared the first ridge. My fists clenched at my sides, face falling into sorrow.
I waited until I was far enough from Velaris that no ears could hear me. I pulled myself to a stop, wings curling around me as I hovered above the expanse of trees and hills, and I screamed. I screamed for Freyja, captive and surely being hurt. For the way she let herself feel something for me, and then was torn away and punished for her desires. I screamed for Rhysand; for how he had to watch as his father violated his sister before sending her away without another word. I screamed for myself. For loving someone when I knew it would only end in pain.
Cool wind made my tears sting against my cheeks. I clutched the fabric above my heart, clawing at it as the pain swallowed me. I was the monster who was blinded by desire and destroyed her, and then had to watch as Freyja was punished for what I had done to her. I should've confessed then and there. I should've let Alcaeus tear my head from my shoulders and throw my body into the damned pit in the library.
My entire body shaking, small sounds escaping me as I cried, I continued my way. I needed to speak with Odessa. I felt responsible for having her child ripped from her and I needed to make my peace.
By the time I made it to the mountains the palace sat upon, my tears had dried and my mask slipped back on. I was hollow, empty. An emotionless creature only built for revenge. That singular ember of hatred returned, and I was sure I wouldn't be able to contain myself if Alcaeus was in the palace. Perhaps this wasn't the best idea without Cassian there to hold me down.
I dropped onto the marbled stairwell that fell off to nothing at the bottom. I stood for a moment, trying to regain my balance on two feet rather than in the air. My eyes narrowed on the doors as I climbed the steps. Without Rhysand, I didn't assume I could just walk in. I gripped the golden knocker and slammed it against the massive doors. I stepped back and waited, savoring the sensation of the wind brushing through my hair.
One large door creaked open, a small head of a servant peering out at me. Her dark hair swished over her shoulder as she pulled the door more open and stepped aside.
"I will inform the Lady you are here," she murmured, closing the door behind me as I stepped in. I gave her a nod, turning my eyes to the sitting room in her absence. My breath clogged my throat as I slowly stepped into the room. The room was cleansed and smelled of jasmine and sandalwood, though I still scented the pungent stench of vomit. My eyes snagged on the chair Freyja had been on.
I remembered seeing those guards take her thighs and pull them open. I remembered Alcaeus dropping to his knees and pulling her undergarments aside. Gods, the fact that her father had born witness to her sex had me ill. I burned with hatred at the thought of him shoving fingers into her.
"Azriel."
I blinked, sucking in a breath as I turned. Oh, Gods, Odessa stood before me. Her eyes looked like mine, red and swollen like she'd been crying since that night. She was not dressed in her embellished gown nor was her hair neatly pinned to her head. It was down, an unusual sight, and laid over the folded robe across her chest. She looked as though she just climbed from bed, not having bathed or dressed. In fact, my eyes caught on her slippered feet and lacy nightgown beneath the silken robe. The Lady had just risen from bed.
I cleared my throat. "I'm sorry to wake you. I assumed you'd want familiar company after... after the past few days."
Odessa's nose twitched as she looked to the veranda and then back to me, giving a short nod. She waved one hand to the chaise lounge in the sitting room and then stilled, eyes locked on the same chair mine had been.
"Shall we go to the dining room? I assume you haven't had breakfast," I quickly spoke, breaking her from the trance of haunting memories. Odessa closed her glistening eyes and nodded. I knew it was inappropriate, but I stepped closer to her and laid my gloved hand to the small of her back beneath her limp wings, urging her to turn. My chest aches at how she seemed to lean into my touch. I wondered how long it had been since a male's hands had been on her without the aim to harm.
I lead her to the dining room, pulling out a chair. Odessa sat silently, eyes distant and locked on the empty windows. I ran my tongue over my teeth as I inched to the servant's doors, rapping my knuckle against it. After a mere moment, they cracked open.
"Yes, sir?"
"Please prepare a breakfast for the Lady and I. Juice and tea, too, please," I murmured. The curled dark hair bobbed as they gave me a nod and slipped away into the kitchens. I let out a slow breath and returned to the large table, opting to sit beside Odessa.
"Is he here?" I asked, unable to keep the hatred from seeping into my voice. Odessa blinked and shook her head.
"He is holding court," she croaked. I nodded, the leather of my gloves brushing along my lips as I studied her.
Even in Windhaven, Odessa had always been put together. I'd never seen her like this, broken and unkempt. A carafe of some red juice appeared in front of us, along with two chilled glasses. Odessa's shaking hands rose to pour herself a drink, but I laid my hand on her wrist. I didn't miss her gasp as I leaned forward and poured us both a full glass.
"Thank you," Odessa whispered, using both hands to raise the glass to her lips. I watched her, waiting for her to finish. Her tongue darted out to collect a drop of the juice from her lips. I brought my hand up, brushing back her messy hair.
"Odessa, what happened last night?" I couldn't stop my questioning. Fuck, I didn't care if Odessa knew I loved her daughter. I needed to know.
Her bright eyes turned to me, already welling with tears again. She shook her head softly. I did my best to comfort her; cupping her jaw and tilting my head down so I met her eyes more clearly. "What happened?"
"It went as expected. A supper with Carys and Aled and their children. They spoke about Freyja, about what was expected, and then sent us off to walk in the garden while they had whiskey."
My eyes narrowed. "That's not all, Odessa."
She licked her lips again, glancing between my eyes. "I couldn't believe the way they spoke of her. They nitpicked her body and told us what they planned to do differently to change her. They placed her in Tamlin's room as well, claiming that they needed to get a start on getting her pregnant."
My jaw popped as I clenched it, my hand slipping from Odessa's cheek as I forced myself to look away. They fucking talked about her body in front of her, and then placed her in his bedroom so that he could impregnate her? I was fuming.
Tea and platters of food appeared in front of us, but I couldn't care less. I stared at the open windows, trying to reign in the rage I felt. Freyja surely had yet another traumatic experience, and I, yet again, could not stop it.
"Azriel?" Odessa whispered, her fingers now in my hair. I cringed, running my knuckles over my lips as I looked to her. "Are you the one?"
I stilled. I eyed her warily, not falling for the comforting brush of her fingers over the shell of my ear. Odessa's lips rose into a wobbly smile.
"Are you who kept her away? Who took her virtue?"
Her voice was so soft, so calm. I knew her smile was genuine. My brows pulled together as I swallowed the tears I was sure had dried. Then, I nodded. A small breath escaped her as she tore her eyes away. Her hand still lingered in my hair, though her other one was brought to her lips. Odessa's shoulders rose as she inhaled deeply and then turned fully to me. She reached for my face with her other hand, forcing me to turn towards her.
"I'd always hoped one of you boys would love her. I knew what was going to come of her, but I'd hoped that you or Cass would be her awakening. I am so sorry that she was taken from you, Azriel."
A tear slipped down her cheek and I watched as it curved along her lip. I knew one of my own mirrored hers. My head pounded as I met her eyes again.
"I'm sorry," I croaked. Odessa shook her head, a small sob leaving her.
"My girl deserves a male like you, Azriel. I know what you are feeling- from that night- and I know it is not your fault. You tried to save her, you tried to keep her safe, and that is all I have ever wanted. What happened to her is not your fault, do you understand me?"
I nodded. The pressure in my head had me closing my eyes, lips parting to suck in a breath. I tasted my tears as Odessa leaned forward and pressed chapped lips to my forehead.
"I want to help her," I cried, reaching up to hold her arm. Odessa nodded against my head and I felt her smile.
"So do I, Azriel. So do I."