TITLE: He's a Psychopath
WRITTEN BY: MinEspoir
REVIEWER: AakritiPathak
FIRST IMPRESSION:
>> Cover: Stunning graphics, undoubtedly. I'm by no means a graphic critic. It looks good, that's enough.
>> Title: I will surely have to read more to understand why Felix has been named as Psychopath. As of now the title doesn't seem to develop any valid connection to the plot.
Personal suggestion: What is that one thing or kind of bond between the main leads that bind them together? If you aim to stand out, your story needs to start differently. This starts with the title. A hooking title always grasps a reader's attention. Even if it's just a single word, the word should hold a deep meaning that somehow foreshadows the whole plot. If you go through the hundreds of stories in this genre, the word Psychopath hardly retains the uniqueness now; it has become a generic word. Upon reading the plot I felt the potential in Kiara's storyline. Even Felix is a mysterious character. A title revolving about them could stand out. Possibly search for a synonym!
>> Blurb: On first glance, the prominent Grammatical errors hinder the reading flow. We will talk about technical aspects in later section. Let us talk about what more can be improved:
A good blurb successfully teases the reader. It gives them the right amount of info, building up the anticipation, and then ends in such a way where the reader just jumps into the story and starts searching for the answer that the blurb promises. Let's see this with an example of a Thriller novel, Guest List by Lucy Foley:
"As the champagne is popped and the festivities begin, resentments and petty jealousies begin to mingle with the reminiscences and well wishes. The groomsmen begin the drinking game from their school days. The bridesmaid not-so-accidentally ruins her dress. The bride's oldest (male) friend gives an uncomfortably caring toast. And then someone turns up dead. Who didn't wish the happy couple well? And perhaps more important, why?"
Now, when one reads the blurb, they can pretty much summarize that the aura is of celebration at first, but something sinister is rising beneath the surface, and lastly things have gone down drastically. By the time blurb ends, readers will be filled with many questions.
Coming back to your story now. There is hardly any information given in the blurb worth continuing for. A good blurb gives a hint about the main characters, a glimpse of their normal life, then a hint of sudden shift (hook point), and the ultimate disaster that changes everything for the main lead, followed by a general question.
To make the blurb stronger, you can add the hint of tragedy or any event that will make Seol and Felix stand in a conflicting position. Drop hint about Kiara's death (as far as I've understood, it's a significant event in the story). Will Seol and Felix work together over something? Are they nemesis? Of course you don't have to add everything directly. Just drop the glimpses, add hook points, rising stakes, and then stop. The more interesting you make your blurb, the more it's going to attract the reader.
Play with words, read more varied blurbs and then come up with different versions of your own story's blurb. You can reach out to me anytime for feedback over the new description.
STRUCTURE
Opening: A good first chapter sets the tone for the whole story. It's a deciding factor. Here, as a reader I could not feel the pull. Firstly, the pacing is too fast. In one paragraph I'm getting to know Seol, in the other there's Felix, in next Seol is suddenly following Felix, and in another paragraph there's Kiara. Then in the same chapter we come across Kiara and Felix as potential 'something', and suddenly Seol backs down. I've simply written the gist of the first chapter here, look for yourself the whiplash your readers may get by reading.
Strength here: The background and the events. If we put the insane pacing aside, the events are interesting to read. One can easily sympathize with Seol over his gloomy tone and resigned fate. Making a character connecting and relatable is a good thing, and you've done pretty well there.
What can be improved: Avoid cramming all the details at one place. Describe more, show more, tell less. Instead of telling us how famous Felix is among the school folks, show us the whole thing by describing a school setting and Felix surrounded by students who once circled Seol. Or, instead of simply telling us that everyone blames Seol (for whatever reason), show us by their body language and expression that they avoid Seol and see him in a bad light. Setting can be described more. While introducing a new character, give them some space (paragraphs) to bloom. Introducing them in one line and concluding their part in the next will leave a bad impression.
Overall, do not rush with events. Slow down and describe more, rather than straight up info-dumping.
Character development: One of the deciding factors that attract the readers: 3-dimensional characters. Complex characters with clear goals and motives, believable internal conflicts, and flexible character growth are the soul of any story. Each character has some strengths and weaknesses, internal and external conflicts, and internal and external goals. No character can remain rigid and static throughout the story.
In case of Seol, his personal as well as story goals and conflicts are not clear to me. What is it exactly that he seeks? Being loved by everyone? If so, why cannot he simply focus on doing good deeds and be admired by everyone? What does Seol wish to achieve by dragging Felix down? What is his backstory? As for Felix, what are his goals and motivations? How does the death of Kiara affect both the characters? If there's any goal in finding out why Kiara died, what is it?
There are many questions that create character development. I'll use a classic chart here which you can take help from:
Ask yourself, "What would make the character feel happy or satisfied with their life?" – the answer is your character's motivation.
"What could they do to obtain that happiness?" – that's their goal.
"What are the obstacles on the way?" – internal and external conflict & tension.
Suggestion: Try not to make Seol or Felix static characters. Sketch out their physical traits, personal strengths and flaws, their effects, the way they communicate, or react in different situations, their morals, ethics, etc. Make your characters humane, they will hold the reader's interest.
Plot development
Exposition: the introduction of your story. First few chapters that set the tone. After reading the first six chapters, I've returned to one question: What are the characters trying to achieve, and where is the plot going?
Strength: subtle mystery points. Seol's possibly conflicted past, Felix's hints about knowing Seol from past, and Kiara being in hospital. These mystery points make the story intriguing.
What can be improved: Pacing, for most part. The pacing, as I've already said quite a lot, is too rushed. You've to slow down and show the connection between Seol and Kiara before showing how the tragedy with Kiara has affected Seol. Crafting the scenes of Seol and Felix slowly – them striking their first conversation, their roof-talk, working together, etc – the more you show, the more developed the plot will be.
What are the stakes? If Seol is trying to achieve something, what will happen if he loses? Or, what change will take place if he wins? Same with other characters. Their journey from their strengths, to inner conflicts, to addressing their weaknesses – these all incorporate to a better plot development.
READABILITY /CLARITY
Prominent technical errors make the readability blurry.
There are major tense shifts almost in all the chapters. For instance:
"I think there was something wrong with him and I decided to stalk him. I want to put bad things about him so I can prove to everyone that they are insane for liking him... We stopped at a place very far away from my home and the neighbors are topless. I can see their tats, and even scars. I think I was in a compound in a poor estate."
In the drawn paragraph, there is constant shifting from present tense to past tense. Try sticking to one form only. This can be written as:
"I thought there was something wrong with him, so I decided to stalk him. I wanted to put bad name to his character so I could prove people were insane for liking him... We stopped at a place far away from my home, and the neighbors around stood topless. I could see their tats and scars. Possibly it was a poor estate compound."
More than a reviewer, an editor would be helpful here.
OVERALL IMPRESSION
Overall, as I've mentioned in strong points of the story, the storytelling to some extent is interesting. If you master the character and plot development, alongside grammatical parts, the story has much potential, and the characters have it in them to become memorable ones. As the golden rule says, read, read, and read. The more you read, the more you get aware about your own unique voice and style. Read not to copy them, but to see how a story unfolds into a successful one!
Always happy to help, feel free to reach out anytime you wish.
Good luck.