[selected entries from a journal of Katya Romanoff - Barnes, January 2020 - December 2020
January 11th, 2020
Oh my god, I just had a vision. I know, nothing new and it wasn't even anything spectacular, just an ordinary day, breakfast I think.
BUT YOU WERE THERE.
BOTH OF YOU.
And Papa, you had short hair, so weird.
But I see the future. You're gone. And I have no idea how to interpret that. Is there a way to undo this? Were we all wrong this whole time? I've got to tell someone.
I've told Pepper because Tony isn't home. And Pepper burst my bubble and destroyed all of my hopes. I see where's coming from, it all makes perfect sense. I was sure it was after I woke up or that it was the vision that woke me, but she suggested that it could've been just a dream. It could've just all merged together. I think she's right. But it felt so different, so... vision-like. Dreams don't feel like that.
Anyway, it felt good to feel hopeful even if just for a moment. You're gone and I don't think I'll ever make peace with it. But I've gotta stop forgetting about it. I will miss you more today.
February 23rd, 2020
I'm 16 today, it's my second birthday with Tony and Pepper, meaning I've already spent more birthdays with them than I ever did with you, Papa. With you, Mama I've got ten. Still not enough.
This year I've decided that instead of taking, I want to give. So I've been going around the city and doing random acts of kindness. I've paid for someone's coffee, and someone's groceries, bought a meal for a homeless man, helped an older lady to carry her groceries, and then walked her dog, stuff like that. I've been thinking of donating also. Tony gives me an allowance even though I keep saying I don't need that much money and there's no way I could spend it in a month so I might as well make use of it.
Since I'm sixteen, I can learn how to drive and Tony offered to teach me but Pepper said absolutely not, but she doesn't want to teach me either so Happy will do it probably. I don't have the heart to tell them that I would rather learn to ride a motorcycle instead of a car. I'm scared to even mention it, since knowing Tony, he will already have bought one by the time I finish my sentence.
But the biggest surprise of today is that Rocket sent me wishes and said that he'll come soon to outplay me in cards again. I've checked like six times to make sure it was really from him. I'm getting birthday wishes from not-a-raccoon. The world's ending.
Miss you.
March 10th, 2020
Happy Birthday, Papa. You're old, you know that, right? 103, wow. The cupcakes are a tradition at this point. Miss you.
April 18th, 2020
It's been two years. I've had an interesting talk with Tony today. I'm not sure how it even started, it just came up when we were making dinner, maybe the anniversary made me think about it. About a lot of things. You, me, him. First I asked why he decided to take me and from it came the other question - could he forgive you two if the Blip never happened and you were still here? I don't know what answer I expected, I had nothing specific in my head, but he still surprised me.
Katya closed the fridge door with her leg, having her hands full with ingredients for dinner. She moved to the kitchen island, dropped everything there, and started separating it all. She put the vegetables in the sink, so she would remember to wash them, the meat in the middle,on a cutting board and the wraps aside for later.
When she walked back to the fridge to grab a cup of plain yogurt to make the garlic sauce, Tony walked.
"Hey, kid. What are you up to?" he asked, eyeing the groceries.
"Dinner," she said, picking up the knife. "Wraps."
"Want some help?" he offered, already rolling his sleeves up.
Surprised, Katya nodded. Tony rarely helped in the kitchen, and even less often cooked on his own. The tech genius he was, the kitchen appliances never seemed to like him so Pepper kept him out of the kitchen for sake of them all and he got used to it.
"You can cut that" Katya pointed at the vegetables in the sink with her knife and started to cut the chicken breast.
At first, they worked in silence, interrupted only by the sound of the knives hitting cutting boards and Tony's occasional questions, making sure he was doing it right and then waiting for the next instructions. It was only two of them since Pepper took Morgan for a walk. It was unusual for the house to be this quiet.
"Can I ask you something?" Katya said, moving on to covering the smaller pieces of chicken in bread crumbs and spices.
"Just did."
She huffed and rolled her eyes.
"I'm kidding, shoot." Tony shook his head, putting sliced tomatoes in a bowl.
"Why did you take me in?"
Katya shifted her gaze to Stark when he didn't answer. He was looking at her too, brows furrowed.
"What do you mean why? You were a kid, well you still are. You can't be alone."
"Yeah, but why did you decide? Like, you could hope someone else would do what you did. You had no responsibility, didn't owe anything to me or my parents..." she added the last part quieter, remembering that Tony wasn't exactly a fan of Natasha the last time they saw each other, let alone James.
"I know many people paint me as an egotistic, ego-centered narcissist, but I'm working on it and I think I'm a bit better than that," he explained as if Katya's suggestion hurt him a bit. "And I wouldn't leave a child alone. You needed someone and I helped you because it was the right thing to do."
Katya nodded, another thing to say already at the tip of her tongue, yet it turned out to be harder to say out loud than she expected. She wasn't sure how difficult this subject really was for him.
"You can make the sauce if you're done with the vegetables," she suggested instead. "Just add a spoonful of mayo to the yogurt and two cloves of garlic."
Tony nodded and got to work. He looked around the kitchen. "The garlic press is in the drawer by the fridge," she explained, smiling. Katya spent much more time in the kitchen than he did, and it showed.
Turning on the heat under the pan, she poured some oil on it and let out a breath, quite loudly, getting a questioning gaze from Tony.
"You hated my parents." she finally said it.
"Is it a question or a statement?" he asked, closing the drawer.
Katya shrugged. "I mean, could you ever forgive them if the Blip never happened?"
"First, everything they did that might have made me hate them, doesn't concern you. Why would I blame you for your parents' mistakes? And second, it's a bit more complicated than it seems."
She looked at him, with a surprised frown on her face, but he didn't continue. Placing the first piece of meat on the pan, she tried to decide if she should push further.
"I never hated Natasha," Tony said, and Katya quietly breathed out in relief. "She betrayed me in Germany but in Siberia... She gave me a choice. She asked me to let them go, she didn't force me to do so. No reason for me to hate her for my own decisions. She was protecting someone she loved, and how could I blame her for that? Even if it was hard for me to understand then. I used to do that too, I protected my loved ones, no matter the cost. Sometimes I feel like I still do that." he shrugged.
Katya started to wonder if he knew the truth. That Steve Rogers wasn't the only one who knew about his parents and that Natasha did too. It wasn't her story to tell and the most important question, even if not said directly was still in the air and left with no answer.
"And when it comes to your father..." Tony clicked his tongue. He finished making the sauce and set the cup aside. Then he sat by the table, realizing there was nothing more for him to do.
Katya's hand closed tighter around the tongs she used to turn the meat on the pan. She didn't even dare to look at Tony, scared the eye contact could make him stop talking. She wasn't sure why she even cared about all of it out of the sudden, but now that the talk started and they were so deep in it, she wanted to know everything there was.
"I didn't know him before. Only heard about him. First, as Rogers' sidekick, then as the Winter Soldier and the guy who killed my mom. Okay, let's put it like that." Katya didn't see him, her back was facing him. She still had three more pieces to fry. "Will I ever get over my parents' death, the way they died? No, probably not. You know it too, things like that stay with you."
She nodded, turning her head slightly so Tony could see it, but she still didn't look at him.
"Would I ever be able to look at Barnes without seeing that tape? I doubt it and if I somehow did, it would take a hell of a long time. You know after Siberia, after the Avengers broke up and I had some time to cool down, I... I actually went through his files. There was still some stuff left from what Natasha dumped on the internet, it only needed some encrypting. I wasn't sure why but I wanted to know. I wanted to know his story, and what Hydra did to him. Know your enemy or something, maybe I was looking for an explanation. And I spent hours on it. Watching, reading... Pepper found me in the middle of the night, glaring at the screen and had to turn everything off so I would snap out of it. And don't you think I've enjoyed it. I loathed every second of it, but I just couldn't stop.
"Why?" Katya asked, turning off the heat and moving the full plate to the kitchen island.
"Because I saw myself in him. Although now it feels almost disrespectful to compare this."
"Compare what?" she frowned, confused.
"Natasha never told you anything about my little adventure in Afghanistan?"
"Not really." she shook her head, picking up the pack of wraps. She didn't remember Natasha ever talking about it, the only thing she recalled was pieces of news on TV she overheard at the Bartons after Tony was found after three months of captivity.
"Okay, can you take a break?" Tony suggested. "It feels weird talking about this while you cook."
"But it'll get cold." Katya gestured at the meat.
"Then we'll warm it up. Sit down." he pushed the chair under the table with his leg.
Katya did as told and sat down, crossing her arms on the table.
"So long story short," Tony continued "I was kidnapped, they did an involuntary surgery on me to keep me alive and held me hostage for their use. I tried refusing, so they decided to try a bit of torture. You know how long it took them to convince me to change my mind?"
Katya shook her head.
"Try and guess."
"A week?"
Tony let out a laugh "You're overestimating me. Try less."
"Two days?"
"More like two minutes." he shrugged. A bit of pain flashed across his face, as the memories resurfaced. "It took them two minutes of drowning me to make me change my mind. I went off the rails after three months of captivity and couldn't put myself back together for years. I still haven't, not completely and it's been a decade."
He sighed, leaning back in the chair.
"And as I read and watched all these things about Barnes, I remembered Afghanistan and I couldn't help but start to wonder, how did he do it? How did he survive being kept, used, and tortured for seventy years- I did the math, it was 280 times longer than I was kept, and I have no idea how he didn't go insane. Why didn't he use the first occasion he had to, I don't know, put a bullet in his head? Because I know I would. And I got only Ten Rings, not Hydra. And part of me tells me that I can't hate this man. That no one would do what he did if they had a choice. That no one would agree to undergo all the things he went through. I should admire him, not hate him. Well, maybe not him, I'm too proud for that, but the strength it took to make it out alive. I wanted to kill him in Siberia. I really did. It took Natasha shielding him with her own body to stop me after I already blasted his arm off, probably making him relive one of the worst moments of his life. And a month later I just sat there, wondering who was the real monster back there."
"But your parents..."
"I'm opening myself up here, okay? Let me finish. I'm no saint, Katya and I know it. Most of the things I did in my life, good or bad, I did of my own free will and that's something he didn't have. I know it now and I'm doing my best to remember it every time I remember that tape. Going back to your question, no, I couldn't forgive your parents, because there's nothing to forgive. I've already explained Natasha and Bucky Barnes, or whatever you call him now... He didn't do me wrong. Winter Soldier did."
May 9th, 2020
Tony and Pepper finally got married. It was probably nothing like they expected, there wasn't even a party, but it's done. They've been putting it off for so long. First just because, then the Blip happened, then Morgan came and now finally everything's stable enough. As guests, there was only me, Morgan of course, Happy, and Rhodey. Pepper didn't even invite her mother. Tony wanted to invite Bruce but he couldn't reach him, same with Rocket and Nebula. It's kinda sad, I'm pretty sure he always imagined a huge party when thinking about getting married and all he got was three people and a few minute long ceremony before we went out for dinner and that was it. It was a great day, but something was definitely lacking.
And by the way, I passed my driving exam last week, I forgot to mention that. It's only a permit but still. A car will have to do for now, I'll think about a motorcycle later.
June 21st, 2020
Since Morgan is barely a year and a half, I was making a Father's Day gift for Tony in her name and it got me thinking. Should I make him something too? He's not my father. He never will be. I had you, Papa and I lost you, and no one can replace you, but Tony is kinda a father figure now. I mean, he's raising me, has been for the past two years. I feel like I owe him something for that. But on the other hand, I never did anything for Clint. The only problem is, it's extremely hard to come up with a gift for one of the wealthiest people in the world. Maybe I'll make a funny card and just ask to tinker with him or something. He likes quality time, it should work.
I miss you. Happy Father's Day, Papa.
August 4th, 2020
I'm writing from Italy. We went on vacation. It's the first vacation like that in my life and honestly, I have no idea what to do, aside from taking care of Morgan so Pepper can get some deserved rest. She and Tony never had a honeymoon or anything and I'm pretty sure this was supposed to be it but they didn't want to leave us alone for two weeks. I would manage. Morgan and I are a great team.
I hate sitting in one place all day, Pepper says I'm a worse workaholic than she and Tony combined. My mind just gets too loud and even I get bored of reading sometimes. It's not that I miss school, because I still feel out of place there, like I don't belong, but I miss having my hands full. I'm supposed to go sightseeing with Pepper later, maybe it will be better. Okay, I've to finish this because Tony's threatening to throw me into the Mediterranean. Miss you.
September 13th, 2020
I started to get back into my usual school year routine, I was finally busy and happy about that and then I overslept today and was forced to skip school. Tony made me oversleep. He turned my alarm off. When I raced downstairs, hoping I could still manage to get to school on time, he told me that he already called in and told them I was sick. He thinks that I'm overworking myself and that's going to fix it, even if for one day only.
We started with a ride. Just driving around for almost two hours, then we stopped to get cheeseburgers and after that, Tony took us to the middle of nowhere. We stopped, he looked around and said it'll do. I had no idea what he meant and then he threw me a bracelet. Told me to put this on and honestly I was getting scared at this point.
Turns out he was messing around with nanotech and this bracelet was another suit but it adjusts to the person who wears it. It fit me perfectly, would fit him or Pepper, probably even Morgan.
Tony let me wear an Iron Man suit. I'm far more excited about it now that it happened because it's so much cooler than I thought it would be even if I never thought about it much before. I was flying. I can't remember the last time I laughed this loud just because I was happy. And I was. Honestly, truly, just so happy. Tony said I got the hang of it much quicker than he did and that he laughed too when he was flying for the first time.
Also, I fucked up. I've finally mentioned the motorcycle. It was an accident, but knowing Tony it's probably already waiting for me even though I can't legally ride it until I'm 18. But on the other hand, what in my life is legal? Even my birth certificate is a fake.
Miss you.
October 5th, 2020
I got suspended. Again. But it wasn't only my fault this time. I blame Rocket.
It was a bring your pet to school yesterday. Initially, I thought I would go alone because I couldn't really take Gerald with me. But I was a the Compound a few days before, Rocket was visiting and we started talking. At first, he was of course like 'absolutely not' and 'i'm not a pet' before I even fully suggested it. But then I said that some people don't believe he exists and that we could prank them and stuff. He immediately agreed.
I asked him to pretend at first that he doesn't talk or anything and I kept telling people he walks on two legs because he's weird. He first started talking at math, he answered all the questions and almost gave poor Mr. Shepherd a heart attack. But then he let him write a pop quiz. Turns out Rocket has nice handwriting and of course he aced it.
Then we were just walking around and he kept talking at the most random moments, scaring the shit out of people. I think I've heard 'who said that' about a hundred times that day. But also Rocket was pickpocketing and I didn't foresee that. He had a whole stash at the end of the day and we ended up just placing it all in random places all over the school. But I'm pretty sure he kept some things.
He got into an argument at lunch with a bunch of nerds who couldn't comprehend that not a raccoon is smarter than them. He made friends with a dog and two ferrets. And we paid my favorite teacher, Mrs. Reynolds a visit. Unfortunately, she's back. She looked like she was about to get a stroke, but I think she finally believes in Rocket's existence. That, or she'll soon get herself administered into a psych hospital, convinced she has hallucinations.
And then came the chemistry class. Today's lesson, never trust a raccoon when he starts stealing chemicals. He made a smoke bomb and set it off. And it wasn't harmful, only no one could see anything so it was hilarious at first. We went outside and sat on a fence and ate pizza from the cafeteria while they tried to clean the classroom but we got busted. And since Rocket was supposed to be a pet, they blamed me.
Tony didn't know that I took Rocket with me, but Tony is Tony, he wasn't mad. He even laughed but once again threatened to shave Rocket in his sleep.
Also, Rocket hacked the school website. And this was actually Tony's fault because he mentioned hacking into the Pentagon in high school. Honestly, I think Rocket could do that too, but I'm glad he didn't take it that far.
Do I regret any of it? Absolutely not.
Miss you.
November 29th, 2020
Have I mentioned before that I absolutely hate the American education system? No? Well, now I do, especially the curriculum. Especially the advanced history one. Especially that one person who thought 'Bucky Barnes, victim or a villain' is a good subject for a high school textbook. I was this close to throwing it out of the window when I first saw it.
I know the teacher meant well, when she told me that it would the best for me to sit this one out (she wants to have a debate) and write an essay or something so I don't lose the grade but honestly, I'm mad. I'm mad because I don't want people who have no idea what they're talking about to talk about you, Papa. And if they have to, I want my chance to defend you. I won't let them talk shit about you while all I can do is watch. I just have to figure out how to do that.
Tony gave me an idea. Well, not exactly but he said something about coming back through the window if they threw you out through the door. I can write or talk about whatever I want. So I'm gonna talk about you, Papa. I'm gonna tell them the truth, whether they want it or not. I'm not sure if you would want this, I know you never wanted pity or to be justified, but you also know that I can't let it slide. I will say only what's necessary to make them understand, I promise. It's due in two days, I gotta get to work. Miss you.
2 days later
"For private reasons, or rather possible conflict of interest, I've asked Katya to sit out tomorrow's debate, but she prepared something different for us." the history teacher, Ms. Lincoln said, smiling at Katya.
She liked her, she was one of the youngest teachers she had. Understanding, and rather friendly, with a weak spot for gossip. Katya pushed her chair back with a loud scrap against the floor, clutching her notes.
"What do you have for us?" the teacher asked, perched on the edge of the desk.
"Something between presentation and a speech, it's hard to tell."
Ms. Lincoln nodded. "About?"
"I'd rather not say. It's kinda the point of it, for the true meaning to be revealed at the end." Katya explained, shifting her weight from one leg to another.
She had barely any experience with speaking publicly, even in front of a class, but she didn't expect to be nervous. She's done worse things, much worse. This should be a piece of cake.
"Oh, a surprise. Color me intrigued." the teacher smiled. "The stage is yours."
Katya cleared her throat and glanced at her notes again. She had them only to remember everything she wanted to say and to keep order, knowing she would be speaking mostly from the heart.
"Is an hour a lot? Sixty minutes. 3600 seconds. It's not that much. But we have twenty-four hours in a day. A day, it's not a lot." she began. The rest of the class seemed mostly bored already, aside from two girls, that paid attention every second of every class. "But 24 hours, compared to one? That's a lot. 168 hours in a week and about 720 per month. A year has 8760 hours. 613200, that's a ton of time. How many years does 613200 hours make? Seventy years. For comparison, Queen Elizabeth II has been ruling for 67 years, although it feels like forever, right? It's a lifetime for some. Please, try to remember that, I'll get back to that later."
Done with the entry, Katya felt the tension and stress start to leave her. Not as bad as she thought it would be.
"Now, who has ever been electrocuted? Just a little zap, anything?" She looked around the class, gesticulating with her hand and suggesting she wanted the rest to participate. Four people raised their hands. "And how long did it last? A few seconds, no more right? Now take that, but about ten times stronger and lasting for a few minutes. And you're conscious through all of that. Doesn't seem too comfortable, right?"
Few people nodded, nothing more. At least the teacher seemed interested. She gave an encouraging nod, when Katya glanced at her.
"I want you to imagine that one day you wake up with amnesia." she crossed her arms, her stance becoming more and more loose, the more she talked. "I don't mean that you don't remember things like your name, age, family, or friends. I mean that aside from all that, your mind is completely empty. You have your basic abilities like eating, walking, and talking, but you have no sense of danger, no sense of morality. No identity. You're a blank page, about as familiar with these concepts as a toddler. Someone tells you your name is John or Jenny, you believe them. If they tell you to, let's say, stick a fork in the outlet, you do. If someone told you to cross a busy highway, you would.
You don't know why you shouldn't. You obey that person, you listen to them, you do what you're told because you don't know better, you don't see a reason why not. So if someone told you to hurt another person, you also would. Because you believe what you're doing is okay. They told you that. They praise you for it. So you believe you're helping, doing something good. Do you blame a person like that? Do you blame them for what they did?"
Katya made a pause, once again looking over the classroom, searching for a reaction. This time she got a bit more. Shaking heads, quite a lot of 'no's.
"No, you don't." she agreed. "And to add to all that, the amnesia, sometimes you're forced to sleep and you don't know when you will wake up. If it will be for a week, three months, half a year, two years, or maybe a decade." her gesturing became more lively, stressing her words that started to flood, coming out with ease. "You keep losing time, your life, and you still have no idea who you are aside from knowing that your name is John, you're doing something good, and that you have to obey."
Katya decided to call the time spent in cryo sleeping only because it made it easier. No need to go into more details. She took a few steps and sat on the edge of the empty front desk, hoping the teacher wouldn't interrupt her. It wasn't that she didn't want to stand, she could do so for hours, but she hoped to get even closer to her listeners, and create a connection. Something Katya needed so they could fully understand what she meant.
"Now, let's go back in time. Seventy-seven years back. October 1943, Azzano, Northern Italy. A whole unit who fought there against the Nazis, more specifically Hydra, was captured and one of them was experimented on by Hydra's scientist. The man, while lying on a cot, locked in an empty, cold room, he was talking to himself. Repeating his name and his number. 32557038."
Katya knew this number by heart, having read it a hundred times, alongside everything that was written on the dog tags she constantly wore.
"He was there, in Azzano, for about a week. 168 hours, more or less. He was repeating his name and number because he didn't want to forget it. After a week. Whatever they did to him, he already knew he might forget who he was. He didn't know he would be saved soon. He thought he was going to stay there forever. And he was terrified.
Eventually, he was saved by his best friend. Fast forward two years, the two of them, among other people, end up on a train transporting the very same man that experimented on him, years prior. The man fell down from that train, trying to save his friend, the same who saved him before. But his story didn't end there, because he survived that fall. How? Because of what was done to him two years before. Good for him, right?"
A few classmates gave a shrug, few nodded. Katya shook her head, causing them to frown.
"It would be if the only thing he lost was his arm. But he would also lose his mind. That man from Azzano was found by Hydra once again. His fear of forgetting, came true many times. He forgot, over and over again, after they finally reached their goal, and tortured him enough to make him forget by electrocuting him. After finally breaking him, they managed to put another identity in his brain. One that could be turned on and off as easily as a snap of fingers. His mind wasn't his. It was torn apart until he didn't know better but to stop fighting. For seventy years, for 613200 hours, he kept forgetting his name. He didn't know who he was. All he knew was that he had to obey. That it was the right thing to do. To listen. So he became a weapon, they wanted him to be. Weapon, not human. Because weapons don't think, weapons don't care, weapons don't have free will. For seventy years, they kept him convinced he did something good."
At this point, Katya had the whole class listening and visibly interested in her words, waiting, curious what was about to come next and for the final point to be revealed. Making a speech wasn't so bad after all. Easier, once she warmed up. A few things came naturally. When to speak louder or faster, when to take breaks, how to create need suspension, or set the tone.
"But sometimes he remembered. If they didn't make him sleep for long enough. Then his mind cleared up enough for him to realize he was once something more. That he was someone. A person, not a thing. But alongside came memories. The faces of the people he hurt haunted him forever. Their pleading, begging to be spared. The guilt for everything he has done, the fear of what he has become. The shame, the disgust toward himself. He remembered that. It would disappear, when they tortured him again, realizing that the weapon is getting a bit too human. And then it came back again. Over and over again, a vicious circle, lasting seventy years. It started in 1944 and ended in 2014 when Hydra fell. During this time, how many times do you think he got any help?" Katya asked the class, standing up and starting to pace slowly along the whiteboard. "Just give me a number, first thing that comes to your mind."
"Six times?"
"Three?"
"I don't know."
"Once. He got help once. After fifty-eight years." Katya continued. "That's how long it took until someone dared to see past what they made him and saw him as another human being. And even that person, he hurt. Twice. Because they made him forget. Because she became no more than another mission objective for him and he had to fulfill his mission in order to do what he believed was right."
That part got a reaction, especially from the girls. Katya stifled the urge to roll her eyes and prayed that the whole story of Natasha and James would never see the light of day, no matter how beautiful it was.
"As I said, Hydra fell in 2014. He got out, after seven decades of torture and tried to live. He tried his best. But did getting out mean being free? No. Because for him, it would never end. The past would haunt him for the years to come, most likely forever, till his dying days. He started to recover. But what he went through, it's not something you can get over in a fraction of the time that the horrors lasted.
He got four years, since getting out until the Blip, which he didn't survive. One year he spent in hiding. Another year, he got to reunite with that one person who ever helped him and discovered there was even more good waiting for him, as he learned that she saved his daughter. One that he didn't know about until she was one and hadn't seen ever since and wouldn't see for yet another two years. Third year, he almost lost everything until another person decided to help him, and offered him and his family a safe haven. Then he went to sleep again, this time willingly, so the other identity could be removed from his mind. And lost another eight months. He got a bit over a year of peace. One-seventieth of the time he spent being taken apart. It was nowhere near enough time for him to recover."
Katya let out a sigh. She was getting to the most important part. Everything she said before was supposed to lead to this point. The question they were already asked before and one she thought couldn't be more wrong and harmful.
"So let me ask you this. Do you blame the weapon or the person who held it?" she asked a few people directly. Each one picked the person. "Exactly. You blame the person. Not the gun, the knife, the arrow, or a sword. And in this equation, who was he?
Almost the whole class, unanimously said weapon. Katya smiled.
"You're right. He was the weapon. The weapon was held by Hydra, a puppet dancing on their strings. The history I've just told you is true, a bit simplified in some aspects. It's the story of a man called James Buchanan Barnes, although, for seventy years, he believed his name was The Winter Soldier or Soldat. To you, he's most likely known as Bucky Barnes." whispers of realization spread through the class and surprised looks were exchanged.
The school books never told the whole story. It always came to the fall, coming back from the dead, killing, and the UN bombing. Not even half of the story, not even close to the truth. Katya wasn't sure what the main character himself would've said about this, but she felt like someone had to say it. Someone had to reveal the truth. The world should know. The world should be aware of how big of a lie is the version they are given. So why not start spreading awareness in a classroom?
Katya waited for the group to quiet down before she continued:
"And to me, he was Papa, with whom I didn't get near enough time. I wish I did, so I could tell you even more about him. The man he was, not the weapon he was forced to be. But ultimately, I leave the answer to you, as I ask you, once again, is he a victim or a villain?"
In the last sentence, Katya said looking straight ahead, weighing every word, pronouncing every letter carefully and precisely, to let the question resound exactly as she wanted it to as she quoted the textbook, the subject of the debate that was supposed to take place the next day.
[three pages of notes are glued to the page of the journal]
I'm not sure why I decided to put this in here, but I guess, just like everything I write here, it's something I would like you to see. I hope that you wouldn't be mad at me. I said a bit more than I initially planned to, but I don't regret it. Ms. Lincoln said I have a talent for speaking, that what I said was beautiful, and that she's sorry and feels bad for me. Yeah, been there, done that. But what's most important, the debate was canceled, so I count that as a win. I hope you heard me, wherever you are. I miss you.
December 3rd, 2020
Happy Birthday, Mama. Morgan helped me with the cupcakes this year.
December 25th, 2020
Happy Christmas, can't believe it's my third without you. Tony got me the goddamn motorcycle and I can't do this anymore. I hate expensive gifts. I mean I don't hate them, it's just so awkward. I know it's almost nothing for him, but still. I'll start learning to ride in spring.
Miss you