[selected entries from a journal of Katya Romanoff-Barnes, may 2018 - december 2018]
May 5th, 2018
It's been 3 weeks since I lost you. Since you disappeared right before my eyes. Should I say since you died? This sounds so wrong, so out of place. You're not dead, you're just gone. I have no idea if that's better or worse. All I know is that I miss you. I miss you both so much it hurts. I left Wakanda, I couldn't stay there. Even if the rest would have let me, I don't think I would be able to stay there alone. In our house, a place that reminds me only of you.
I'm at the Compound now, I barely leave my room, today was actually the first time I did that voluntarily. I don't know how long I'll be staying here, I don't know what's going to happen to me now.
There aren't many people here. Me, Steve, Thor, Rhodey, Bruce, Rocket, Tony who just came back from space after three weeks by the way, the woman who saved him, Carol, and Nebula, an alien that was trapped with Tony. I tried reaching Clint and Laura, but no one was picking up so asked Rhodey for help. He couldn't find anything, at least not yet so for now we're assuming the worst.
The rest aside from Tony went to look for Thanos. There's no point in this, it won't change anything. Yeah, my visions are back and with Shuri gone, I'll have to learn with them again.
Tony is in bad shape, but he gave me the idea of writing. I was skeptical but it's getting easier. I made him cookies earlier, I talked to Pepper and I even felt better for a moment, but now I'm wondering again, why couldn't I disappear too? From all people, why did I have to stay? I'm sure a ton of people would gladly trade with me if it was possible.
I miss you both so much.
May 29th, 2018
Everyone is leaving. Not that I mind or something but I feel like everyone's trying to move on or just does it and I'm stuck. Rocket and Nebula left first, they went together and Carol followed suit. All three of them are needed in other places, after all the whole universe was affected, not only Earth. Then Thor left, I have no idea where he went. Bruce soon after him. Steve was never around much, always coming and going, trying to make himself useful since the start but I don't think he's coming back this time.
So it's just Tony and Pepper since they live here, and me but I think I'm a guest at best. They don't seem to mind me. Last week or maybe it was two already, I overheard Tony talking with Rhodey, trying to decide what to do with me. I'm staying at the Compound for now, I think they're trying to organize some documents for me since I technically don't exist as myself in the States. Nothing in the way anymore, with Hydra and the Red Room gone, I don't think I'm in danger anymore.
Tony is much better now but still doesn't seem quite right yet. I barely know him but from what you told me about him, Mama, he used to be different. I think he's blaming himself. I've heard him talk about Peter to Pepper once. I've never met him and honestly, no idea who he was. Speaking of Pepper, she's nice too, seems to like spending time with me, and I don't think she's just being polite. We've cooked together twice this week. They are not asking about you. I'm okay with it. I'm not ready to talk yet. Hurts too much. I miss you.
June 13th, 2018
Rhodey found Clint. Turns out he survived, the rest didn't. Laura, Lila, Cooper, and Nate. God, it's so fucked up. I can't believe it. Rhodey doesn't want to tell me much, all I know is that he's been last seen in Mexico and Rhodey said something about going off the rails, whatever that could mean. It doesn't sound like Clint. I'm worried. Looks like he's the only person I have left and I won't lie, it hurts that he didn't reach out and I doubt he will, meaning he doesn't care. Maybe he thinks I'm gone too? I wish. Also with Clint out of the question, Tony and Pepper became my legal guardians. I don't think I need that, but whatever, right?
How I wish I wouldn't have to worry about all of this. I wish you were here. No matter how nice and good to me Tony and Pepper are, they're not you. I just wish you would tell me that everything will be alright, mama. That I won't always feel like it, because now it seems impossible that someone can get over what I'm feeling. I'm just so angry I get numb sometimes. Like this anger turns into emptiness.
From good things, my hand, the one that got impaled with an alien spear, healed nicely, it's almost completely closed up now. I'll have a cool scar, another one in my collection. You were always so worried about that stuff. I miss you.
July 2nd, 2018
Tony just told me that Pepper's pregnant and that we're moving out. God, we. Sounds so weird and wrong. Me, Tony, and Pepper. They bought a house, they've been planning it ever since before Thanos, and now I'm going with them. I haven't seen it in person yet, but Tony showed me some pictures, and it's beautiful. Much different than I expected. First of all, it's cabin-like, by the lake in the middle of nowhere, with closest neighbors about a mile away. They're happy and for what it's worth, I'm happy for them.
You would've liked the house. I really could see us living there. It's exactly what I imagined every time I thought about us three living together in the States. Wakanda was amazing, but it was different. We didn't really belong there, didn't we?
It's so unfair. I only got both of you for a freaking year. I want this life I'm about to be a part of, for us. A house in the middle of nowhere, our house, I want to have friends over, to eat breakfast and dinner together, and have movie nights. We never watched the last Lord Of the Rings movie, Papa. And I never got to introduce you to Harry Potter. I want you to braid my hair, Mama. I want to play with Liho and Alpine and take Phezulu on a walk.
Why is the universe so screwed up? Why us a chance only to take it all away so fast? I never got to say goodbye. I don't even have a tombstone. I have nothing aside from that one picture I used to carry behind my phone case. I left everything in Wakanda and I'm starting to regret it. I miss you, I always will.
July 27th, 2018
I'll go to school. Tony asked me yesterday if I wanted to, and I'm still not sure why but I said yes. I'll start high school in September. I don't know why it feels so weird, since I went to school in Wakanda, but that feels like another world and life now. It was all totally separated and States feel so much more real.
I also got to decide about my legal name, and whether I wanted to use a fake one in school or not. I said no, so I'm officially Katya Romanoff-Barnes. I don't think I'm putting a target on my back, but what do I have to lose if I am? And when it comes to normal people, I don't think anyone will connect the dots and me to you. They're both quite popular last names and no one really knew about you two, so I should be safe.
I made a gender reveal cake for Tony and Pepper, the other day. I've known for a while, courtesy of my visions, I had one when Pepper grabbed my arm once and it's been so hard keeping it a secret. It's a girl. Tony doesn't want it to show, but he's overjoyed, I can see that. Pepper claims she would be fine with either gender but I feel like she's relieved she won't have to deal with quite literally a mini-Tony. He keeps saying I'm gonna be a big sister, and I'm starting to like the sound of it. After all, I've seen quite a lot of proof that family doesn't mean only blood. I miss you.
August 15th, 2018
On today's episode of 'What Made Me Cry' we have the realization that I can't bride my hair. You always did that for me, Mama, then it was too short to do anything with it aside from that ridiculous tiny ponytail, and lately, Pepper offered to do it for me a few times. She said she needs practice before having a daughter.
I draw, I sing, I can do every math there is in my head, I speak almost thirty languages, I can see the freaking future, but I can't braid my own hair. How weird is that?
Tony got in touch with Wakanda, regarding school stuff, my grades and all, and also our house. He organized transport for everything I left there, so quite literally everything. It should be here tomorrow, and he wants to put it all in the Compound. It's empty now aside from the few occasions Steve stops there, and when Rocket and Nebula visit.
We met with them last month and got in touch with Carol and some other people too. Turns out Tony's the only person who could somehow lead what's left of the Avengers and their allies and that leader or just anyone who could somehow manage this mess is desperately needed. The world doesn't need more chaos. Tony's skeptical, claims he was never the leader, that it was Steve's job, but since he's MIA most of the time, Tony doesn't have much of a choice. I told him I'd help, like if I could do something and had any idea what to do.
Anyway, Tony promised to take me to the Compound again so I can go through this stuff when it arrives and he'll try to start coordinating all this mess. I'll have something to do before school starts. There are some things I know I want to take, like my guitar and the drawing I made for your birthday, Mama, of you and Papa. I'll also take some of your clothes. I hope they still smell like you, however weird it sounds. I miss you.
September 4th, 2018
School is alright. I mean it's been three days only but it's okay. Wakandan was better, but it was all so different, I don't think it's a good idea to compare it. One of the teachers made us play Two Truths and a Lie on the first day and I could have had so much fun with this. Truths? I lived in Wakanda, I've met all the Avengers, I can't feel pain. I was friends with a princess. Lie? I lived with two Avengers - no, I'm currently living with a third one. I speak five languages - nope, I speak 26. But in the end, I went with I'm half Russian and I lived in Wakanda for truths and my hair is dyed for a lie. I said I have a rare form of albinism. I figured it's better not to go into too much detail for now. And I was right, no one connected the last names anywhere yet. Also, I had a vision and it looks like the baby's going to take after Pepper and will have red hair. I miss you.
September 20th, 2018
It's been three weeks of school, and still, Wakandan was better. Everyone thinks I'm cheating at math and I don't really have a way to explain this but I also don't feel like doing bad on purpose. I've signed up for a few extracurriculars. I'm still doing arts and music, I got into the choir. I tried out for some sports teams, there are a ton of them at my school, and got into most but I had to choose since the practices were overlapping. I picked soccer and track. It's easier to hold back than I thought it would be, no one noticed anything unusual about my strength or speed yet. I'm just that 'good'.
I've been thinking about dyeing my hair, but I can't decide on color and if I want to do all of it or maybe just half. Also, I'm gonna be tutoring. This one girl from my class asked if I could teach her Russian, something about her family and I agreed. What if I started teaching more? Like Spanish, French, or Italian, these are popular. I like being busy, I have less time to overthink. I miss you.
Update on the hair. I decided on the ginger on the upper half and Tony claims I gave him a heart attack. Apparently, the white is barely noticeable when my hair is down and I look even more like you now, mama. He asked how's this possible so I told him the truth, about you being my biological mom. I don't see it, the resemblance, at least not yet. A part of me hopes I never will, I don't want looking into the mirror to hurt and I see you both in enough places and things already. Maybe I should've gone with some fun color like blue or something. I still miss you.
October 14th, 2018
I fucked up. I thought that keeping myself busy, like spending all day in school, coming home late, volunteering for everything, and tutoring would help me. But it didn't make everything magically disappear. I just pushed it back, tried so hard to forget what happened, all this pain. I didn't have time to think about it as much, but it was all still here, I only bottled it up instead, and now it exploded. You're gone. I lost you half a year ago and I think that only now it's finally getting to me. That this is forever. That there will be so much more in my life that you won't get to see. I don't know if you would be proud of me. I'm an orphan. I don't think I've truly understood that before. And it hit me today. (...)
a few hours earlier
The blade of the Swiss knife in Katya's hand reflected the last sunrays before the sun got covered by the heavy clouds. She stopped in front of a tree, close to the lake, and a few feet away from the small bridge where she left her guitar and sketchbook pushed underneath the instrument so the wind wouldn't take it away. Katya flipped the knife in her hand, before raising it to the tree trunk and pressing the blade into the dark brown bark.
Slowly she started carving letters that turned into initials. N was first, followed by A, and lastly R. Then she moved lower and added another three letters directly under the first line. This time J and two Bs. Katya wiped away the shavings and took a look at her work. She wasn't sure why she did it. But she had no tombstone, no memorial, nothing. So maybe it was her way of preserving what was lost.
Katya knew there was no way she would ever forget her parents. And if one day she would start to forget the small things like the sound of their laughs or even their voices, these carvings wouldn't help with it. But it was nice to have something, anything that would remind her of them, that would make her feel closer to her parents. People still visited graves that they knew were empty, so she hoped this would work the same way.
Tracing the curves of the second B for the last time, she let her hand fall back to her side, before taking a step back and walking to the bridge. Katya sat down next to her guitar and reached for the sketchbook. She pulled the pencil from between the pages so it wouldn't fall out and started flipping through them. She got that sketchbook back in Wakanda, as a Christmas gift, not even four months before she lost her parents.
The first drawing was not much more than a sketch, a simple scene captured during that Christmas when she sat in an armchair, glancing at Natasha and James as they watched a movie she wasn't really interested in. So she drew them instead. A few pages further was Liho, with a paw over her ear as she cleaned herself, next to it was a smaller one, just a silhouette of a sitting cat. Another few pages and there was a Wakandan landscape, a lakeshore she liked going to in the evenings. The sunsets there were the most amazing.
The sketchbook was filled with tens of drawings. Natasha, Liho again, even Phezulu, another landscape, a series of James, Natasha again, them together, an autoportrait, something she did rarely. And then there was the only drawing that wasn't hers, but James'. She didn't ask him to, he just grabbed the sketchbook one day, opened it on an empty page, and drew Katya and Natasha, without realizing that it was hers. He apologized later, worried about disrupting her privacy, but she didn't mind. In fact, looking back at it, it was one of the best things he could've done for her.
Katya turned a few more pages and suddenly there was a wet spot on the page. Then another. She frowned, glancing at the calm lake, expecting to see growing circles on the water's surface made by rain falling from the heavy, dark clouds. Only then did she realize it wasn't raining, at least not yet. It was tears, her own that she didn't even notice. By that point her breathing quickened and became heavier, she started feeling like something was pressing her chest. Setting the sketchbook aside, Katya gasped for air, the sudden lump in her throat made it very difficult to breathe, as even more tears started to spill down her cheeks.
She felt like something exploded inside her, pushing all the air out of her lungs and surrounding her with overwhelming sadness and grief. There wasn't enough time between the sobs that escaped her throat to take another breath, no way to steady herself. All the memories Katya ever made with her parents, came flooding back, from the earliest when she was no older than three, to the very last ones, from half a year ago. She tried recalling their last conversation and then she remembered that it was that fight they had before the battle. She treated them both so badly, so unfairly and all they wanted to do was for her good. She said so many horrible things then. She never apologized and she knew she would never get another chance to do so.
Another whimper escaped her throat, as she muttered the apology into the air, as if it could reach Natasha and James, wherever they were now. "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm-"
The words got stuck, as she dipped her head, the huge drops of her tears, creating spots on boards of the bridge, that soon were joined by many more, as suddenly a downpour started, a wall of rain rolling over the surroundings. Katya was soaked in a matter of seconds, yet didn't move an inch, not even to save her sketchbook or the guitar. Ginger and white strands of hair stuck to her face, the noise of the rain drowning out the sound of her sobs, but not the voice, yelling her name.
"Katya!"
It was Tony, calling after her from the porch, trying to shield himself from the rain. He glanced at Pepper, who stayed inside, sticking only her head out, yet seemed as worried as him, if not even more. He tried again, but the girl didn't budge, remaining still, aside from her shoulders shaking as she sat hunched over, with her head hidden between bent legs and crossed arms, so Tony stepped off the porch, and ran through the yard, slowing down before the bridge.
"Come on, let's go inside, kid," he suggested, placing a hand on Katya's arm, hoping to get her attention, but she barely shook her head. Her crying was still intense, Tony could hear it clearly, despite the rain. Every struggle for another breath, as she choked on her own tears.
"Alright, come here, up, up you go," he said, pulling her arms away and guiding her up, despite her reluctance. He knew that if she really didn't want to get up, she could've easily pushed him into the lake or whatever, for disrupting her, yet she cooperated.
When Katya finally stood up, Tony pulled her closer, hugging her. He wasn't a big fan of hugs, never was, physical touch wasn't it for him, but there were a few people for whom he would make an exception, Katya quickly becoming one of them. The girl wrapped her arms around him, much stronger than Tony expected, and hid her face in the crook of his neck, as he tried his best to comfort her, despite not being sure if she could even hear him. Katya kept crying, but he didn't mind the tears. The rain made sure none of them could get any more wet.
"It's okay, kid," he reassured. "It's okay, you're fine."
Feeling that the girl started to relax a bit in his arms, the sobs turning into whimpers, Tony once again tried guiding her toward the house. This time she didn't resist. Inside, Pepper was waiting, with two steaming cups of tea already on the table and two towels in her hands. She threw one at Tony and wrapped the other around Katya's shoulders. The girl avoided her gaze, shame taking the place of sadness. Yet Pepper only smiled at her, rubbing her arms through the towel, doing her best to comfort her. Then she pulled the towel over Katya's head, covering her eyes and making her snort, smiling through the tears.
(...) Then we drank the tea, and they didn't say anything, they didn't ask. No one pushed me to talk and I'm so grateful for that. I think they saw it coming. And I thought I was the seer.
My guitar is ruined from the water, and so is my sketchbook. I can't believe I lost your drawing Papa, it was so stupid. I feel a bit better now, kind of. I miss you.
November 11th, 2018
I'm having nightmares again. I've been for a while now. I'm not sure why I haven't mentioned this before. It's as if I didn't want to worry you like you could see me now. The nightmares are like after Russia, but there's more to them now. I get these flashbacks to the Red Room, but they're modified. Instead of the man they had me shot then, I see you. Well, most often. Once it was Clint, while Laura and the kids were watching. Today it was Yelena. I'm often screaming when I wake up but I haven't woken anyone up yet, aside from myself. It always helped when I could talk to you, mama. Can't really do that with Tony or Pepper, I don't think they would understand. It was different for us. We were in this together. I miss you.
December 3rd, 2018
Happy Birthday, Mama. I miss you even more today. I made cupcakes, the banana ones, your favorite and I've put a candle in one of them. I blew it off for you, hope you don't mind. I miss speaking Russian. Tutoring is not the same. I would give everything to hear you call me zvezdochka one more time. Can't believe I could ever not like it. I miss you so much.
December 19th, 2018
Pepper told Tony to buy a real Christmas tree and said she had enough of the fake ones. Tony went and did what he was told. The tree is huge and beautiful and we haven't even decorated it yet. But the point is, it wasn't the only thing he bought.
Tony bought an alpaca. His name is Gerald. Pepper's mad, I'd say about a 13 on a scale from 1-10 so I'm making a gingerbread cake to appease her. Gerald reminds me of Phezulu, almost as loud. Also, I dyed the other half of my hair dark brown. I already have some regrowth on top, so I have three colors on my head now. One for each one of our family, kind of. I miss you.
December 25th, 2018
It's been an amazing day. There's a ton of snow, I ate so much I can barely move, Rhodey and Happy spent the day with us. I got a new guitar after my first one was destroyed in the rain. I wish we could have Christmas like that. Like straight from a movie, snowed-in with friends and family around.
God, I just imagined having us, the Bartons, Yelena, and Melina at one table. I can't decide if it would be a nightmare or the best thing ever. I know we had Christmas in Wakanda, the three of us, but Christmas in summer doesn't really feel right. I wasn't sure what to get Tony or Pepper so I went with a trusty drawing of them. I'm pretty sure Tony's already framing it and Pepper cried but I blame that on the pregnancy. It's almost over, the baby could be here any day now. I can't wait.
Happy Christmas Mama, and Happy Christmas Papa. I hope that wherever you are, you had a good one too.
let me know what you think of the journal format! most of this part will be written like that with a scene or two per year written normally, aside from the last year, 2023, where there'll be much less of the journal.
QUESTION - what do you think of the length of this chapter? is it okay, too short, too long? because in this part there can be around 10-12 chapters this long or a few less with about 2-3k words more, i still haven't decided how to divide them.