My childish dreams of being noticed by the silent and stoic friend of my brother had come true. I found it silly that just his attention made me feel so stable and complete, but it was heartbreakingly true. This night, I lived a beautiful life that I never believed I could. I laid in Azriel's arms, his wing hung over our naked bodies. There was no chill in the night, no fear of being hunted in my sleep. I was entirely and irrevocably at peace.
"What do you do when you aren't here?" I asked softly, breaking the delicate silence that hung around us. Azriel wasn't fond of talking, but I yearned to hear the rumbling tilt of his voice.
"I pretend to search for you, I train," he responded, voice trailing off. I turned my head, our noses brushing.
"Do you see my brother often?" Of course he did. He lived with Rhys and Cassian, I was sure of it. Azriel hummed and nodded softly. His sleepy eyes blinking slowly at me. "Is he well?"
This time, there was a long hesitation. Despite the joy and calm Azriel provided me tonight, my heart still pounded as I awaited his answer. The haunting guilt and sorrow settling in the back of my mind, knowing his answer could bring it forth and drown me yet again.
"He struggled at first. Now, he visits your father everyday for updates. Your father seems to feel unworried, which worries Rhys all the more. He flies the court when he isn't in meetings," Azriel answered finally. As expected, I felt the tightening in my chest and the burn of tears in my nose.
"Does he hate me?" My voice broke, embarrassment heating my face. I tried to move, to duck my face beneath the large arm that was cradling me to him, but Azriel caught me just as quick. He took my face in his hand, glancing between my eyes as though his next words held utmost importance.
"Rhysand does not hate you. He is angry, he is sad, and he is desperate to find you. He wants you to be safe, but from what I've learned, he understands why you ran. He doesn't like the idea of you being sent away for marriage, no matter how much he likes Tamlin."
My brows furrowed, lips parting in surprise at the name of my supposed soon-to-be husband.
"Tamlin? The youngest son of the Spring Court?"
I'd never met the young male, though Rhysand had several times during post-war meetings. He did not fight, for being too young, but his father demanded all of his sons to be present in the meetings. Rhys had told me several times that he felt for the young male, that he was not fond of his father and was the only one of his brothers that did not wish to be High Lord. I wondered if our marriage was punishment for him. Last I knew, he was six or so years younger than me- just past his maturity.
Azriel knew he'd made a mistake. He wasn't often expressive, so I knew it was a large mistake when his eyes widened slightly and his throat bobbed. I wasn't meant to know where my fate laid.
"You've not been told?"
"No."
Tamlin was not the worst of options- from what I've heard of him- though a marriage to him was bringing me into the horrific family of the Spring Court. From all I knew of the war, Tamlin was right to not pine for his father's acceptance.
"How long have you known?" I asked, part of me wanting to push away from him, the other part craving his comfort more than ever. It was asinine, because Azriel had only just begun noticing me. Why would he tell me the plans my father had if he'd hardly spoken to me at all? I had no choice, though, because Azriel held me to him in a bruising grip. A small part of me felt joy in that harsh touch- as though he couldn't bear the thought of me being married away.
"Rhys was told by your father just over a year ago. He told Cass and I right away."
Rhys knew. All this time, my brother knew who I was meant to be sold to, yet he never told me? I wasn't sure if the knowledge would have stopped me from trying to run, but he withheld it from me nonetheless. That hurt, even if he thought he was protecting me. Rhys was always protecting me.
"Could I even be forced into it now? Couldn't they tell I have no virtue?"
That made his face drop and I regretted my words immediately. Azriel had been lost in lust with me. He had been adamant that he couldn't- wouldn't- be the one to mar me. He lost that battle quickly tonight, though. It had crossed my mind in the moment- while he was deep within me for a second time tonight- that Azriel had been the one to take away that final claim my father had over me. I was free, and he had brought me there.
I was free in another way, too. I'd been sure that sexual intimacy would be painful for me, like how my mother had warned me. It had been at first, but then it became a pleasure I had no idea could happen. Even then, the pain had been more of a stretching sensation that became delicious, addictive even. I was free in the sense that sexual pleasure could be mine, not just a male's.
My eyes ran over Azriel's beautiful features; his straight nose, bowed lips, dark lashes and brows. He was so much more beautiful close up. I wondered if this night was purely physical for him or if he felt the way I did. I wanted to listen to his heart, tune into the steady thumping to hear if my touch made his heart race as his did mine. Maybe his fine hairs rose at my every breath, or his blood grew warmer the closer I was. I felt like I was burning; a flame amongst darkness lit by his touch. Did he feel the same? Or was I like the maid he had snuck into the empty bedroom with?
"Azriel," I spoke, unsure what I even wanted to say. Do you like me? Am I beautiful to you? Does your soul yearn to live within mine like mine does for yours? My only hint that he felt more than simple attraction for me was that his bare skin touched mine, which I wasn't sure anyone had experienced before.
Azriel hummed again, brushing his nose against mine. It was such a sweet and simple gesture though my heart soared. How had it taken him so long to open for me? For anyone?
"Am I a distraction from Mor?"
Why had that been the question to leave my lips? All I had ever wanted was to be wanted. I had one purpose in my life, and that was to be cattle for my father to trade for peace. I wanted more. I wanted love, attraction, freedom, intimacy. I wanted it with Azriel. But did he want that with me?
He didn't answer for a long moment, his eyes studying mine. I wondered how careful he was trying to be. Certainly not wanting to break his friend's kid sister's heart. It already felt cracked by my own thoughts.
"Not necessarily. I don't know what this is."
I supposed I appreciated his honesty, but it didn't soothe the insecure thoughts in my mind. The only positive about being invisible in my own home was that nobody knew I watched them silently from beside my mother. Over the years, I saw the look Azriel gave Morrigan. His cold face would grow soft when he thought nobody watched. His eyes would darken, his lips would tip up.
He looked at her like I looked at him. It was the cruelest form of torture.
"You don't have to stay with me," I whispered, turning my face in his hand to gaze at the ceiling. My own thoughts made it difficult to meet his eyes. Azriel caught my chin, tugging my face back to his. I didn't want to cry, I didn't want to be the emotional young girl he surely saw me as. It would be a moment of clarity for him- it would take him from me.
"I... I'm not skilled at speaking my emotions," he murmured. I frowned slightly, giving a nod that I hoped he saw as an urge to keep speaking. He didn't speak for a long moment, a heavy sigh escaping him and dancing over my lips and cheeks.
"You can pretend I'm not here," I whispered. His lips pressed into a tight line as his hand slipped from my jaw. I waited, holding my breath. When he moved away from me and turned to sit on the edge of the bed, I felt my heart crack a little more. Was he leaving me? Did he decide I wasn't worth the effort to stay?
His scarred hands rose to run through his hair, his head hanging down. I sat up, a chill running through my body as I took him in. He looked as broken as I felt, muscles ticking at his spine as he sucked in a heavy breath. His wings were spread, giving me a perfect view of the strip of tanned flesh leading down to his rear. I watched him shiver as he brought his feet up to settle on the edge of the bed.
I didn't want to invade his privacy by staring, so I did the next best thing. I crawled up to him and turned, resting my spine against his. I brought my knees up to my chest and stared at the far window, watching the pines dance in the moonlight. Azriel stiffened and I felt his wings move against my back as he settled into our new position.
"I don't want to sound disrespectful," Azriel finally murmured. I shook my head before remembering he couldn't see me.
"I'm nothing more than a shadow behind you," I whispered to him, like his shadows do.
"I never found myself looking to you in the past. I didn't want Rhysand to think that I'd betray him by wanting his sister. I've always found you pretty- beautiful, even- but I never looked twice."
I felt a mixture of emotions.
"I always thought you two looked too similar to find you anything more than pretty. But I see you, Freyja. I see you now, and you are not Rhysand. Your eyes are brighter, a deep sea blue that makes me wish to visit the Summer Court just to compare. You have freckles, the prettiest things, spread across your nose and cheeks. I've noticed the one on your lip, too, and it makes me want to kiss you all the more."
My heart was racing, my arms tightening around my knees.
"You're- You're the most stunning female I'd never laid my eyes upon. I find it the highest honor to look at you and be able to cause those beautiful smiles, those breathy sounds you make. I've never felt so important in my life."
I wanted to cry.
"I remember you years ago, when you'd be dragged into the Moonstone Palace by your father because you caused fights in Windhaven. How you tried to organize protests with other females. You were so fierce, and- fuck- Freyja, they destroyed you. You don't argue, you're silent, you lost yourself. I want to help you find it. I want to bring that fire back into your soul."
I missed that version of myself. I'd become obedient and silent. I was nothing.
"When I'm here with you, when it's just us, I find the peace I found with my other... habits. My shadows are silent, as well as the horrid thoughts. I'm consumed by your presence and all I can think of is you."
I felt a tear slip down my cheek, my hand falling to the blanket. I slid it back beneath his wing and brushed my knuckles against his bare hip. I held my breath, listening to how uneven his was, and then Azriel's hand was on mine. I let my head fall between his wings. His head rested atop mine. Even this simple gesture, touching his hand as he spoke his deepest thoughts, made everything feel incredibly right. We were safe, we were together. We were shattered glass pieced back together with pieces of each other intermingled. I was him, he was I, and we were perfect.