I had lost my mind. I managed to stay away from her for three weeks before my shadows alerted me to her screaming outside of the cabin. I hadn't expected the night to end like this. With her naked beneath me, my cock pressing into her tight entrance.
I felt guilty- as though I was taking advantage of her. Her eyes squeezed shut, another whimper escaping her throat. She was soaked, ready for me, but I'd forgotten she'd never been with a male. The guilt climbed up my spine, urging me to pull away and leave her. Her heels pressed into the round of my ass, urging me to move. I didn't like hurting her, though.
"Freyja," I whispered, ghosting my lips over hers. Pretty blue eyes opened, blinking at me. I was hardly inside of her, the tip of my length squeezed inside of her warm and wet entrance. I could pull away now. I could leave and this would never have to happen.
"Az, please," she whined, lifting her chin to press a soft kiss to my lips. The way my name sounded from her mouth had me twitching, a groan leaving me at the slight tense of her around my tip.
"It only hurts for a moment. You need to adjust to me," I murmured, kissing her again. I was addicted to the taste of her lips, and as a shudder ran through my spine, I knew I'd be addicted to feeling her around me. Freyja nodded, swallowing hard as she pushed her head back into the pillow. I wanted to be close to her, but I knew I had to ease her discomfort. I reached my hand between us, brushing through the damp curls before my finger met her bundle of nerves.
Freyja gasped at the contact, plump lips parting as she stared at me. I couldn't help but kiss her again. Slow, deep, tasting every inch of her as I stroked her clit. Her hips shifted, bringing me in another inch. We both groaned, though I was sure mine was out of pleasure while hers was not. I forced the guilt down, knowing I'd already made the stupidest choice of my life. I may as well savor it. She clenched around me as I moved my hips, going deeper.
"Fuck, Frey," I groaned against her tongue. Her inexperienced little kisses drove me insane. I loved the way she sloppily ran her tongue over my lips and teeth as though she couldn't get enough. She was so tight around me, strangling my cock as I thrusted again. A strangled whimper left her, followed by a moan as I stroked her with my thumb. I wouldn't last, not when she squeezed me like this. I pulled my mouth from hers, pressing my face into her neck as I let out a heavy breath.
This was the slowest I'd ever been with a female. I had only ever gone fast and hard, tainting their skin with my blood and bruises. Freyja was too good for that. She deserved slow and gentle, soft moans and tender kisses. I didn't think that could ever please me, but I was struggling to keep myself from filling her as I slowly pressed in again.
"Azriel," Freyja murmured in a breathy tone. I kissed her neck, nibbling at the spot where her pulse thrummed hard. Her heels dug into my ass again and she clenched around me; I couldn't handle it. I thrust forward again, nearly filling her completely. Her head pressed back, lips parted in a strangled sound. My thumb moved in slow circles, my tongue against her burning skin as I pulled out and slowly pushed back into her.
"Fuck, you feel so good," I groaned as she tensed around me again. She answered with a moan, hips lifting to take more of me. I could feel her relaxing, throbbing and begging for more. Excitement filled me at the aspect of moving inside of her. I pulled my mouth from her throat and kissed her hard, swallowing her cries as I began to fuck her.
Freyja's small hands clawed at the back of my neck and my shoulders, pleasure sparking down my spine. She felt fucking beautiful. I didn't move like I had ever before with Flora. I thrusted hard, but not fast. I let Freyja move with me, dictating how much I should move. I pulled my hand from between us and took her by the throat, drowning in the mind numbing pleasure she offered.
I pulled my mouth from hers, gritting my teeth as I thrust deeper into her. I'd never seen anything so beautiful. Her dark hair thrown across the pillow, cheeks pink and lips parted in a string of moans. She deserved to have someone to hold onto for her first time, but I wanted to be selfish. I leaned back, still holding her throat. Her moans vibrated against my palm, her eyes on me.
"Look at us," I ground out, casting my eyes to where her core swallowed my cock. My other hand pressed down on her lower stomach, Freyja's eyes rolling back as the heel of my palm pressed into where the head of my cock moved in her.
"Az-," she cried, squeezing around me again. I shuddered, head dropping down as I struggled to keep a hold on my sanity. I wanted her to finish first, but I wasn't sure I could wait. My eyes lifted to the tensing muscles of her stomach, her breasts bouncing as I thrust into her. I'd never seen anyone as stunning as her.
"Look at me, Freyja. I want your eyes on me as you soak my cock."
Her eyes opened. She stared at me, my name a silent chant on her lips as she pulsed around me. I couldn't help but look her over again, watch myself fuck her. It was so fucking wrong. I was a terrible male- a selfish male. I was so wrong for her. But it felt too good.
"You're so fucking beautiful, Freyja. Look at you," I cooed, unable to stop the jumble of words. "Taking me so well. You look so pretty on my cock."
Her cheeks flushed, back arching as she squeezed around me. I felt her walls flutter around me, her moans coming out in heavy breaths as her body tightened. Her arousal flooded around me, dripping from where I fucked her. My head fell back, my entire body shaking as I lost my control. I slammed into her, my release dripping from her with each thrust. My mind was spinning, my body in a delicious state of too tense but entirely relaxed.
My hips slowed, riding us both through the high. I released her throat, my hand dropping to the pillow beside her head. I didn't want to pull out of her. She was so fucking warm and wet, still fluttering around me. Her legs were loose around my hips as I dropped down, our lips meeting in slow and desperate kisses.
"Az-," Freyja murmured against my mouth. The haze of my orgasm left me, my eyes snapping open. Her voice sounded tight, regretful. I leaned back, staring down at her. Oh, fuck. A tear slipped down her temple.
"Freyja," I spoke her name, slipping out of her. Her chest shook with silent cries. Emotion clogged my own throat. I wanted to crawl away from her, to beg for forgiveness. I hadn't even thought about what it would be like for her. As I whispered her name again, the sound strangled, I realized I was feeling something far more dangerous.
Instead of running, instead of being the coward I was and disappearing on her for another few weeks, I slipped my hands around her and pulled her into my chest. I laid on my side, her legs curling into me as she shook.
"I'm sorry, I'm so sorry," I chanted, guilt drowning me. I was the monster I'd always believed I was. Not because my hands were slick with another's blood, but because I'd taken the last piece of her that she'd owned. I'd been caught up in the pleasure of it, not realizing that her virginity was the final part of herself she had left. I had the sudden need to peel my skin again.
"I'm sorry," Freyja cried against my chest. I hushed her, smoothing her hair and pressing a kiss to her shaking head. "It isn't you, Az. I just- I can't believe it finally happened."
I leaned back, blinking at the wall. Was she crying out of joy? Was she not feeling regret?
"I don't understand," I murmured. Freyja sniffled, her wet cheek pressing into my chest.
"I've been dreaming of this," she said softly. Her fingers danced down my abdomen, slipping over my fresh wound. I'd been struggling these past weeks. My last breakdown in that same abandoned apartment I'd brought Freyja to ended in me taking a blade to my own skin. Then I'd come here.
"What do you mean?" I asked. Her head shifted back, her chin pressing into my chest as she looked up at me. She looked so pretty when she cried.
"I'd dreamed of finally choosing to be free. I'd wanted this, and for so long, I'd hoped it would be you."
I stilled, staring down at her. Another fucking thing I'd forgotten. She'd been wanting to lose her virginity so that she wouldn't be valuable to her father. And I'd just let her. She'd used my body to escape her future. I didn't know how that made me feel. It didn't feel good, but it wasn't as painful as I expected. My eyes lifted to the wall again. Fuck, I felt myself detaching from the moment; slipping away into the darkness deep in my soul. She'd pulled me from there, but now she shoved me back in.
"Azriel," Freyja spoke, her small hand brushing over my jaw. I flinched, pushing myself back from her. I turned, sitting on the edge of the bed and running my hands through my hair. I'd used females plenty, but it had been their job. They'd been paid for it, but I felt empty. I felt used, and I felt betrayed. I'd been lost in my desire for this fucking female, forgetting how important she was to the court. I'd just fucked up, and she'd coerced me into it.
A warm hand ghosted over my spine, flattening between my wings. I wanted to lean into her touch, but I felt ill.
"Az, I didn't mean it like that. I meant I'd-," she cut herself off with a sigh. "I had always watched you. Whenever you visited with my brother, whenever you shared a meal with us. I always thought you were so beautiful, intriguing. I'd imagined you so often with me like this. I never thought you'd give me the chance or pay any attention to me."
I stared at the wall, taking in her words. She'd been attracted to me. She'd wanted me; through all the years I saw myself as a disgusting creature, Freyja had wanted me. I lifted my head, sucking in a deep breath. I felt her then, hand on my neck, body pressed against my back between my wings. Freyja pressed a kiss to the center of my neck.
"It may be because we are in this cabin alone. Maybe you don't truly want me, just what I can offer you, but I don't mind. I've wanted you for years, Azriel. I'll take anything you give me."
My throat felt tight. Someone so good, so beautiful, so gentle, felt something for me. I'd been pining after Morrigan this entire time, wishing she would give me the chance that she gave Cassian, all the while Freyja sat in the shadows yearning for me. I wanted to cry. I felt guilty for something I hadn't even known.
I ached for the blade on my skin, on another's. I wanted to see red, I wanted to spill my own blood. I deserved it, I needed it. I needed her more. Freyja and that airy feeling she laid in my chest, the way she chased away my shadows just by looking at me. I needed her, and so I turned and I kissed her.