"i hate it here so i will go to
lunar valleys in my mind
when they found a better planet
only the gentle survived."
word count: 5.2k
Derek Hale pottered around the kitchen, a tea towel slung over his shoulder as he juggled the various hot pans on the stove. Sausages and bacon sizzled in one of the skillets while pancake batter sat in a container on the countertop.
After the breakdown they had endured last night, he was letting them sleep in (——he had already told the school that the twins wouldn't be in, which left them with one less thing to worry about). He couldn't deny that a part of him felt guilty for not being here but he was back, and he didn't intend on going anywhere.
Although Jade had let her emotions crash through, it seemed to have been a momentary thing, because an hour after her meltdown, it was already off again. He reckoned it was a defence mechanism; when she felt threatened or under stress, her mind subconsciously made her numb. It wasn't done on purpose or with malicious intent—— she was simply trying to protect herself from being hurt again.
With that being said, it meant that they had a longer day ahead of them and he had a feeling that it wasn't going to be straightforward. It would definitely cause an absurd amount of emotional pain, he was sure of that.
He continued to cook as the 10 am news blared from the radio, updating him on the usual 'animal attacks' and the latest weather forecast. Casting a glance over his shoulder, he flipped a pancake on the pan as Max emerged from his sister's bedroom. "Good morning," Derek chirped, unusually good-humoured for the ungodly hour in the morning.
"Morning," Max groaned, rubbing his knuckles into his eyes to rid them of sleep. Looping his foot around the legs of a stool, he yanked it out from the island to sit down. "Jade's still asleep so I'm just gonna let her wake up on her own. I don't think she's been sleeping well. Anyway, between everything in eichen and then her humanity on top of it, she's exhausted," he tipped the carton of orange juice, pouring it into a glass.
Derek hummed in agreement, using a spatula to get the pancake onto a plate in one piece. "I didn't come back just for Jade, you know. How've you been?" he gently asked, grabbing a tub of strawberries and kiwi from the fridge and setting them down on the island.
Max sipped on his juice to buy himself time, averting his eyes from Derek's concerned stare. It wasn't that he was embarrassed, he just didn't exactly know how to put what he was feeling into words.
Most people his age had normal coping mechanisms; they would journal or talk about their feelings or not have much to complain about. He had tried all of the healthy ways of coping, but sometimes he simply felt everything so deeply, so intensely, that drinking was the only way he could escape from his thoughts. "I'm fine," he smiled softly, reaching for the nutella.
"Contrary to popular belief, I'm not stupid. And I can hear your heartbeat," Derek folded his arms over his chest, sitting opposite him. Lying about what you felt must be a family trait that all the Pierce's had; he had to pry for at least two minutes until he found out the truth. Uncomfortable silence lasting longer than a minute was usually all it took for Max to break, but his sister was typically more stubborn. "Maximilian, are you gonna tell me what's going on or do I have to guess?"
He cringed at the use of his full name, wrinkling his nose in disgust. He seriously thought his parents had been on crack when they decided to call him that. In all seriousness, they had the entire alphabet to work with and they thought, "yeah this is what we're going with." His sister got a nice, normal name and he got bombarded with fucking Maximilian. "I'll tell you if you swear to never call me that ever again."
The corners of Derek's lips quirked upwards and he pressed a hand over his heart in mock promise. "Ok, I swear."
Max huffed out a sigh and narrowed his eyes, taking his sweet time to lather his pancake in nutella. It was purposefully to piss Derek off and he couldn't lie that he found it quite funny. "Well, I'm an alcoholic and I have a slightly delusional sister. Is that enough for you?" he jabbed playfully, somehow managing to cram an entire pancake into his mouth.
"You still haven't explained where you disappeared to for six months," Derek countered, cupping his coffee mug in his hands. He tried to keep his face passive to act as though he hadn't heard the increasing spike in Max's heart rate. He had also been fed the excuse of relapsing, but just like Jade, he didn't believe a word of it.
Max started the process of making a smiley face with fruit, rubbing the back of his neck with his free hand. "Oh, that? It's a funny story, honestly. Remember the dread doctors I told you about? The people in metal suits who are going around town turning people into chimeras? Well, they kidnapped me and lots of other people because they wanted to create new seers. Uh, yeah, so I was basically used as a human experiment for six months. But Jade doesn't fully know that yet, I think I told her when I was drunk, so don't tell her, 'cause I haven't had a chance to speak to her about it yet."
The words had tumbled from his mouth at their own free will and to stop himself from revealing anything else, he stuffed his mouth full of food—— his cheeks puffed out and he looked like a hamster storing food. He raised his shoulder into a shrug, acting as if what he had just said was something that could happen to anybody.
Derek stared at his younger brother figure for a solid minute, not a thought behind his eyes. Wrapping his head around what he had been told was harder than expected. Of all the wild possibilities he had thought of, that was not one of them. "Wait, rewind. Why did they take you?" he sat forward on his stool, propping his elbows up on the table.
He chugged down his orange juice, wiping his mouth with the back of his hand. Maybe he should draw out a mind map to help people understand. "Alright. The chimeras need two sets of DNA, right? I'm a seer and an empath, which means I have two sets. He told me that every seer dies by the age of eight. They're either driven insane or their parents kill them. Following it all so far?" he asked and Derek nodded.
"I'm the only seer in the last thousand years that has lived to this age. There was one other—— and he was created by the same sorcerer that my mom made the deal with." His eyes went out of focus, blurry, and for the smallest second, he felt as if he was right back in the operating theatre. "We were made, not born. The dread doctors wanted to make an army of seers; they hadn't done it before so they needed DNA samples to compare with Phoenix's."
He blinked, snapping himself out of his daze. Pulling on the sleeve of his sweatshirt, he could feel the scars from experiments starting to sizzle. "It was easier to keep us there—- there were too many experiments to go through," he cleared his throat, grabbing a slice of bacon from the plate.
Derek's lips parted slightly and he scrunched up his nose anxiously. "I'm sorry I wasn't here for you," he admitted quietly. "Why didnt you tell me? I would've believed you. I'll always believe you," he emphasized and stretched over the breakfast plates to awkwardly squeeze his hand before letting go quickly "That why you started drinking again?"
He sighed heavily, wiping his hands into a napkin. "I think it's more complicated than that," he confessed with a sigh, resting his chin in his palm. "It's Beacon Hills—-my powers have been getting more vivid and this is a weird fucking town, Der," he laughed lightly and picked away at the food on the table as a way of distracting himself. He didn't have to lift his gaze to know that Derek was giving him that pitiful look that he unintentionally almost always wore when talking to the twins. "How was Nevada?"
"Not too bad," Derek went back to nursing his cup of coffee. Max couldn't fool him—— it was obvious that he wasn't in the best headspace, anyone with a pair of eyes and two functioning brain cells could figure that out.
Being kidnapped and essentially used as a guinea pig for six months was bound to leave physical scars, not to mention emotional scars. It was still raw and if his younger brother wasn't ready to talk about the details of what was going on inside his head, he wouldn't be the one to push. "That reminds me, I picked up some books for Jade and some art supplies for you, but the present bag is still up in the loft," he stood to his feet and clicked on the kettle.
Jade emerged from her bedroom with frizzy hair and pale skin, her dog bouncing and hopping around her feet. "Don't forget we have a lacrosse game tomorrow night. Lydias resting up today so I'm gonna meet her before school tomorrow instead," she slipped a dark-coloured sweatshirt over her head, strands of blonde hair getting caught down the back of her collar. "I've got to go out for a little while though—— things to do and people to see."
Derek shook his head, slamming the door shut with one hand, fixing the blonde with a sharp look. "Not today," he insisted, pressing his hip into the door to keep it closed. She arched an eyebrow but it did not deter him. "You can't pretend anymore and you said it yourself last night. If you don't willingly turn it on, we're gonna have to force you to."
"Force me to?" she repeated, feeling the rage start to bubble in her chest. A dark voice echoed in the back of her head, reminding her that she wouldn't be able to do this without her humanity-less self. "What, you gonna go back to Nevada and make me feel sad?" she scoffed harshly. "Don't flatter yourself."
Max sucked in a deep breath and dragged himself to his feet, praying to anything of a higher power that it wouldn't have to come down to this. "Cass" he sighed in exasperation, running a hand through his curls. It was obvious that she was getting antsy, he could feel it rolling off of her in waves. "Where are you going?"
She curled her toes inside of her boots, tensing up all of her muscles, trying her very best not to snap. Max stared at her sadly, his eyes round and big, glistening with sympathy and it made her more infuriated. "I'm going to turn it on but I'm doing this on my own and I don't want your help. I'll be back in a little while. If it doesn't work, I'll call," she snapped, pushing Derek to the side and slamming the door closed behind her.
Thundering down seven flights of stairs, she double-locked the main door, pulling down on the handle to make sure no one would rob the place.
The clouds were growing darker overhead and rain drizzled as she legged it to her car.
Pressing the button to unlock her car, she climbed into the driver's seat, locking the doors behind her. She lay her hands on the steering wheel, finally releasing a sigh. It had weighed heavily on her chest since she had woken up this morning. Maybe it was because a part of her knew that her emotions had to come back today (it wasn't a matter of whether she wanted it to or not).
Going down this path of self-destruction would leave her with nobody, and whether she wanted to admit it or not, Derek and Max were right—— the longer she prevented the inevitable, the more it would hurt.
Turning the key in the ignition, she pulled out of her car park spot, heading for the one place that'd be the thing to lead her away from the edge.
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Jade lowered the volume dial on her radio, casting a wary glance at the bunch of red roses on the floor of her passenger seat. She had tried not to overthink it, but now that she was sitting in the Beacon Hills cemetery car park, she had lost her nerve (something that took a lot of courage for her to admit).
Measuring out her breathing, she clasped her hands in her lap and tried to put a lid on her thoughts. Jade stretched across the console and snatched up the red roses. That little voice in the back of her head carried on screaming when she yanked the keys from the ignition and let her feet hit solid ground.
She was being taunted by herself— well, by a version of herself that was starting to clutch at straws. It was almost as if her subconscious knew that it was about to lose the only defence mechanism it had left.
The voice sneered at her cruelly, using what she was most afraid of as leverage. She stepped in puddles of water as it warned her that no amount of good would ever make up for the bad.
As Allison's grave came into sight, it warned that she would never feel whole again, not when she was alive and Allison was dead. Tiny thorns dug into her palm as the voice reminded her that she would always fall back onto the safety net of turning her humanity off when it got too difficult.
Allison Argent's smiling picture stared back at her as she set the bunch of red roses on the grave, using her bare hands to pull out a few weeds that had managed to creep up through the six-foot hole. She ignored the bench that was in front of the grave, simply opting to sit on the floor. It made her feel closer to Allison, for some reason.
"Hi Ally," she whispered, a sad smile etching its way onto her face. A painful lump started to form in her throat and she had to chew on her cheek to shut out those voices. "I came to tell you that——I don't really know what I came to tell you actually," she admitted as her brows dipped in confusion. "I just always find myself coming here when something goes wrong."
"I spoke to Derek yesterday," she directed her words to the ground, fiddling with the silver chains around her pale neck. "You and I both know he's not exactly the brightest," she joked lightheartedly before a pang of overwhelming pain darted through her heart. "But he actually said something that makes a lot of sense; he said I turn my humanity off to keep myself safe."
"I think..." she hesitated, placing her fingers over the charms on her neck and finding the strength to carry on. "I think turning off my humanity was my way of keeping myself safe. I mean——I'm so terrified at the idea of losing you or forgetting you that I've built tall walls around the fear and grief but all it's really done is trapped me inside while you're outside. Does that make sense? I don't know," she sighed unevenly and tucked her chin into her chest.
She sucked in a deep breath, feeling slightly dizzy at the prospect of feeling something. The voices shrieks became gutwrenching as the words hovered over the tip of her tongue.
While that voice in the back of her head thought that it was helping, it couldn't have been more wrong. By screaming and causing a huge fuss, she knew exactly what she needed to do, and that was the opposite of what the voice was saying.
"I think I'm ready to let you go, Ally."
A dagger had been plunged through her already hot and bleeding heart——that's certainly what it felt like, anyway. As she began to feel emotions slipping back into her system, gravel crunched beneath shoes from behind her and it scared her half to death.
Stiles Stilinski stood a few feet behind her, shuffling guiltily from foot to foot. "Sorry," he apologized with a lopsided smile, anxiously scratching the back of his head. Jade sniffed in response, emerald eyes landing on the bunch of white tulips in his hands. He glanced down at the flowers, suddenly feeling out of place, as if he was intruding. "I haven't been out here in a long time, so I thought I'd just, you know," he gestured to the grave.
Turning her head away from him, she leaned against the wooden bench. He didn't move and she assumed he was trying to gouge out her reaction. "You gonna sit down or what?" she rolled her eyes slightly and he scrambled forward, slowing down when he got closer to her.
He felt a tug on his heartstrings as he leaned down to place the flowers in a glass vase. Allison's photograph stared back at him and he couldn't help feeling like it was his fault she was dead. She would still be here, a beating heart in her chest, if he hadn't taken Lydia to Oak Creek. He knew that it was the nogitsune, but he couldn't forget the rush of euphoria he got when that sword had plunged through her stomach.
Stepping back from the headstone, he anxiously eyed the bench Jade was leaning against, wondering if his best bet would just be to leave. These small moments that she got to be with her best friend were rare and he did not wish to intrude.
She tipped her head to the side, gesturing for him to sit down. It wasn't fair to hog the grave, so to speak— Allison had been loved by everyone.
He gingerly lowered himself to the ground, keeping a good chunk of distance between them. Stiles clasped his hands around his knees and laced his thin fingers together, staring into the distance.
Neither of them spoke and neither of them made any indication that they were going to——the pair simply sat peacefully, sharing their grief in silence.
Stiles was the first to crack; he had been weighing up the pros and cons in his head. While he didn't like to admit he was wrong, his dad was right—— this was a long overdue apology and it was an apology that she had rightfully earned. Besides, the longer he delayed it, the further they drifted apart. "Jade, I'm so sorry."
A scoff died on her lips but she stayed quiet; maybe a part of her wanted to hear what he said or maybe she knew it would give her that final push to turn on her humanity.
"That doesn't mean much, I get that, and I want you to know that you don't have to forgive me. But what I said— everything I said— was out of order. Telling everyone about you and Lydia was unforgivable. And I know that a lot of what you've gone through lately is my fault, and you can never know how sorry I am for that, but I'm trying to be a better person."
Jade snapped her head to the side so quickly that she was ninety percent sure she gave herself whiplash in the process. "So, what, you want me to forgive you so you can make yourself feel better? That's not how an apology works," she snapped, her eyes narrowed into slits as she fixed him with an icy glare.
He didn't answer her for a moment and he wrung his hands together. He deserved that, he supposed— she had a point, a valid point, and he should've expected it, honestly. "You're right. I shouldn't apologize if I'm only trying to make myself feel better but if you walk away knowing I've told the truth about one thing, it's this—— it is not your fault Allison died."
It felt like a punch to the gut, one that knocked all of the wind right out of her chest. A shuddering breath escaped her lips but Stiles hadn't heard, too busy on making sure she understood what he was saying.
"You hear me, Cass? There wasn't a single thing you could've done to stop it. It was a fucking horrible day that should've never happened, but it's the price that comes with living in this fucking town. No one could have stopped it, not even you, Cass. I can understand why it sent you off the rails——and when I told you it was your fault, I was projecting my guilt onto you. It wasn't fair and you'll never know how sorry I am for that."
He lifted his gaze from the gravel, nudging his elbow into her shoulder to catch her attention. Tears lined her lashes and he knew, deep down, that she needed to hear this. "Cass, I need to make sure you hear me. Allison's death was not your fault."
That was the final nail in the coffin. It was as if every new emotion plunged her into the icy cold water and allowed the tide to take her.
Sobs got caught in her throat and her body started to shake, her sharp cries being stifled by the hand she'd clamped over her mouth. Every single thing that she had shut out hit her at once; all those uncomfortable emotions washed over her like a strong wave.
It felt like she was losing Allison all over again.
"Oh no, uh——" Stiles' honey-brown eyes widened to the size of saucers. His mouth hung fully open as he scrambled for something comforting to say. He came up short and tentatively reached out, unsure how she would react if he touched her. Gently stroking her on the back, she sobbed into her hands, chest rising and falling as she gasped for breath in between her cries.
Once Stiles was certain she wouldn't knock her head back and whack him in the face, he slowly inched his way closer to her. Wrapping an arm around the base of her shoulder, he was surprised when she leaned into his touch.
It was obvious that she needed someone right now— even if that person was Stiles fucking Stilinski. Jade continued sobbing while her head rested in the crook of his shoulder. He shushed her softly, swaying from side to side (it was soothing and he had picked up on it when they were children).
He didn't care if the two of them weren't friends after this— he would not leave her at the graveyard on her own when she was in this much of a state.
Using his free hand, he plucked his phone out of his pocket, tapping on the newest notification. He had a missed call from Max and he could add two and two together.
Suddenly, all the pieces started to fall into place and everything started to make more sense. He wasn't the reason she was crying, not really——he had just been the thing to topple her over the edge. Still, one thing mattered at the end of the day.
Her humanity was back.
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Emery's Diner was warm and welcoming with coffee machines whizzing in the background and the sweet smell of freshly baked apple-pies. The woman herself was full of life, wiping her hands in her teal apron as she sliced up the baked goods and displayed them in a cake case.
Phoenix Fract rested her chin in her palm and toyed with her golden necklace. Her dad was at the counter with a menu in hand, skimming through the long list of dishes and returning to the desserts page when he thought she wasn't looking.
Caleb had dragged his daughter out of the house and insisted that the fresh air would do her good. Sunday pick me up, he had said (she knew that it was a fancy way of saying she still had no friends).
Exhaustion seeped from her bones as she curled into the corner of the booth, tracing patterns in the fog of the window. Lulling her head in the gap between the glass panes and the red leather booth, she started to people watch.
Sometimes, when the thoughts became too loud and her brain started to collapse in on itself, she watched people. Not in a stalkerish way—— she would simply sit by her windowsill and observe the crowds as they passed by. She'd conjure up detailed and extravagant backstories for each person and it occasionally put a muffled filter over the bad thoughts.
It was a weird way to pass time but it kept her sane—or at least as close as she could get to that. When the high started to fizzle out and she hit rock bottom, the people who passed by her window made the lows just a tiny bit easier.
Minutes would blur until all that remained was a few hours before bed. The lows would pass in a couple of weeks and observing people was sometimes the only thing she could do to ease the burden, especially now that it felt like it would never end.
She was dragged unexpectedly from her thoughts as Billy Joel's 'Vienna' drifted through the diner. Caleb shoved his wallet into his back pocket and his honey eyes shone with pride as he sauntered away from the neon blue jukebox. Phoenix couldn't help but crack a smile and her nose scrunched up in amusement. Her dad was a bigger kid than she was.
Growing up, he would attend every single one of her tea parties with a cheap plastic tiara on his head and make up high-pitched voices for her barbie dolls. He went on all the rides in disney world and held her up on his shoulders to watch the fireworks.
Caleb hummed along to the song while he waited for Emery Davis to return to the front of the diner. The longer he kept his daughter busy, the better. Just as the chorus came around, he watched the young lady roll into the space by the cash register. No, like quite literally rolling, too—— a pair of clumpy red and blue rollerskates were attached to her feet and she glided through the diner with ease. Impractical but unique.
Emery adjusted her heavy glasses, positioning them on the bridge of her nose as she tapped away on the cash register. "My pops loves this song," she laughed softly to herself and carefully threw her braids out of the way and over her shoulder.
Caleb hissed through his teeth and held a hand to his chest in mock offence. "I'm not that old, m'dear. You certainly know how to bruise a man's ego, that's for sure," he said, the corners of his lips twisting into a small smile.
She simply rolled her eyes at him, snatching up the receipt from the register. "I'm just saying that it's a nostalgic song, that's all," she slid a tray of drinks his way. She was pretending to be annoyed with him but an amused jump in her brows gave her away. "I can bring the rest over when it's ready," she didnt bother to wait for an answer, too caught up in her own little world.
Propelling herself towards the kitchen with a kick, she busied herself with the next batch of gingerbread men.
The gentle slam of a tray hitting a solid surface made Phoenix glance up. Her dad slipped into the opposite side of the leather booth and slid her non-caffeinated coffee across the table.
She didn't understand why he insisted on calling it a coffee when it didn't have a drop of caffeine in it. Dr Samuels had said it might fuck with her meds, given that it's a stimulant, so although she could have it in moderation, she often opted for the safer choice.
Caleb tipped three sugar packets into his Americano, his honey-brown eyes anxiously flickering to her seat every so often. He knew he shouldn't worry but it was almost impossible not to.
He absentmindedly traced his fingers over the rim of his coffee cup while Phoenix stared into the distance. There wasn't a single thought behind her eyes and he resisted the urge to wave his hand in front of her face to see if it would catch her attention.
Instead, he lifted a brow in amusement and said, "If you're having a staring contest with the paintings on the wall, I think you've won—— I just saw one blink, Nix," he teased lightly, steadying himself on the table with his sharp elbows.
Phoenix forced herself to blink and directed her gaze to her dad. He folded his arms over his leather jacket and smiled crookedly. Caleb watched her, and under the layers of jokes and doting and happy-go-lucky, it was easy for Phoenix to make out the intensity of his stare. He was trying to figure her out, looking for the signs that it was starting again.
Caleb had always said that her eyes were a giveaway and it worked both ways; she could tell when he was worrying about her state of mind too. The father and daughter wore their emotions in their eyes. Maybe it was a family trait, she wondered.
"I always win staring competitions, you should know this by now, dad," she joked, rolling up the sleeves of her golden sweater vest and poking her straw around in her coffee. Clearing her throat ever so slightly, she sipped her drink contently, knees brought right up to her chest.
Caleb sighed quietly and allowed some of the tension to dissolve from his shoulders. He couldn't wrap her up in cotton wool for the rest of her life. Phoenix was learning to adapt and live with it. He supposed a part of him was just a little slower at learning that. "What time is your lacrosse game tomorrow?"
Her brows knitted together in confusion as she toyed with her necklace. "I'd forgotten I told you about that. I have to be there for seven but we start at eight," she shrugged, pausing for a second as she tried to figure out how to word what she was trying to say. "It's not compulsory—— you don't have to watch if you don't want to, I mean."
"You're joking, right?" he asked, scoffing slightly. He knew that his ex-wife, Evelyn, hadn't always been able to make it to their daughter's games but he had never missed it when possible. "Hell, I wouldn't miss it for the world, pumpkin."
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a/n
...hey yall. sorry for dropping off the face of the earth since november 😀 i've had a lot of shit going on and i've been hyper fixated on other fics but i'm finally back! updates are not going to be regular but i promise i'm not gonna be gone for as long as i was :)) thanks for reading this far and i'm sorry for leaving you all in the lurch <3