(Faith pov)
May-25th-2019
Miami📍
Through the crowd heading backstage I made sure no one would recognize me. What Jessica told me made me realize something. I needed to be alone to reflect on it, it wouldn't be long before Ariana would notice I'm gone.
Security: "Sorry you can't go back here, this is a restricted area."
Faith: "I have a backstage pass." I look in my pockets and everything but it's not there.
Security: "No backstage pass, I can't let you back."
Faith: "I know Ariana I'm her girlfriend, my stuff is back there in her room."
Security: "I heard that one hundred times you're not fooling anyone."
Faith: "Give me a break please, I'm her Girlfriend, can you just let me back."
Security: "No without any backstage pass Ms. Look that's the rule and policy."
Faith: "It's fine." I didn't want to cause a scene.
Even if I could, I was in no condition to fight back, I'll only hurt myself even more. There was no point in looking for my pass, I must have dropped it in the crowd.
I head for the front gate entrance, if I couldn't go in back at least I could go up front and clear my mind. As I get to the entrance of the arena the opening act ends and Ariana starts to sing.
I grab a hat from the gift shop and walk out of the arena. I wasn't going to wander off too far. I find a spot that I can still hear her performing where I was, in my head all I could hear. "Don't take her world away from her."
Faith's thoughts: "What am I doing wrong? She doesn't need these problems, am I actually…ya I am, I'm breaking her world right in front of her eyes." My eyes water up.
I sit on the bench crying my eyes out watching the tears hit the floor. I haven't gotten over anything I've done or happened to me. I act like I'm a total big shot, but deep down inside I'm still that hurt, shy girl from highschool.
What example am I setting for myself? I feel so fucking useless. I read all these things about our relationship, about me and it's all bullshit. The overwhelming feeling inside my chest, the persistent thoughts running through my mind attacking every corner I turn.
I sit there letting it all out frustrated in the person I've let myself be. She deserves better than what I have to offer, I can't tell her and watch her bare the truth. The reason for all my problems, the reason I almost died that day. It was because I was determined to get her back, for some goddamn stupid music equipment I ended up in the hospital and I lost my brother.
Faith's thoughts: "It's not your fucking fault, then why did he die and I never got to say goodbye!!"
I can continue to hear the music, I could hear her singing. I couldn't take it, to let her seem like this, but I should tell her, or keep lying to myself to keep her from worrying.
I couldn't take it, the emotions, the shit I've gone through. I covered the car incident like it's nothing, but from time to time I still get those nightmares. The guilt of not being there for me Abuelita, the burden I am for Ariana.
Paparazzi: "That's Faith Gomez!!! Ms. Gomez!! What are you doing here, shouldn't you be in the concert supporting Ariana?"
I wipe my tears and look away so they would see my face.
Paparazzi: "Faith? Are you okay? We noticed that you've been seen less on Ariana's socials, are you two not on good terms? We heard you got hurt in the past month on tour, is that true?"
Faith: "I'm not going to comment, I just need some time to be alone so can you please respect my privacy please."
Paparazzi: "Just please could you answer one question, there have been pictures from two weeks ago of you leaving the hospital, may I ask what were you doing there with Ariana?"
Faith: "Look I'm respectfully asking you to leave me alone, I'm not going to answer any of your questions." They started to get on my nerves.
Some of them left me alone but a couple kept pestering me. I tried to walk, hiding my face but they just followed asking me bullshit questions.
Paparazzi: "Faith!!! Tell me the reason you're out here is it because you feel guilty for what you did? Fans on Twitter are saying a lot after your disappearance, some fans are coming back with a rumor that you manipulated her into dating you after she lost Mac and ending off the engagement with Pete."
Faith's thoughts: "What the fuck did he just say!?"
Faith: "I had nothing to do with either of those incidents!! Don't you fucking twist words!! I'm her best friend and and I was there comforting her when she fucking need it!!" I get up in his face.
Paparazzi: "I'm just asking a question." He nervously says.
Faith: "Now I get why celebrities say we're people to and we don't always have to the center of attention to anyone, so fuck off!!"
I walked away frustrated, the mixed emotions and the shit they told me was getting to me. I was just so pissed at myself and everything that happened. The paparazzi just made it worse and it didn't help me at all.
Paparazzi: "I don't see what the fuck Ariana see in that bitch." He said it loud enough for me to hear.
Me three months ago would have shrugged that off and ignored it. But I let the emotions get the better of me, I walked back and shoved him hard he stumbled back.
Faith: "You want a story? A fucking answer!? Ya I swept in because she deserves better!! And how about this for a story!!" I ripped the camera off his neck and slammed it to the ground.
The other paparazzi just stayed away in shock at what happened. They got a story and I recklessly gave it to them.
Faith: "I may be a bitch but I have fucking emotions too!!" I tear up, frustrated.
(Ariana pov)
I had backstage for an outfit change quietly changing as fast as I could.
Stage Manager: "You doing amazing Ariana, you need to get back on in 3 minutes."
Ariana: "Fuck I'm dying out there." I gasp. "Can I get some water?"
They hand me water and I drink half the bottle. Outfit change was done and I got back on stage singing my heart out, smiling to all my fans.
Ariana: "Miami let me hear some noise!!!" The whole stadium screamed their hearts out.
I start to sing "Into You" and when I turn to see my friends, I immediately notice that Faith is gone.
Ariana: "So, baby, come light me up, and maybe I'll let you on it, a little bit dangerous, but, baby, that's how I want it, a little less conversation and a little more touch my body 'cause I'm so into you, into you, into you!!"
I continued to sing the song, getting a little off tune, and I did my best not to worry. She might be in the restroom, is what I told myself.
Ariana: "Got everyone watchin' us, so, baby, let's keep it secret, a little bit scandalous, but, baby, don't let them see it a little less conversation and a little more touch my body 'cause I'm so into you, into you, into you, ooh, yeah!!"
I go back to singing and my fans are singing along. I was happy to say the least, but as the time passed by she wasn't back and I started to worry.
~Backstage~
I had five minutes to get changed and get on stage. I immediately texted Courtney to hurry and get backstage because I was freaking out.
Ariana: "Where is Faith!?"
Courtney: "I'm not sure, sorry but Jessica told me she was supposed to be back and she hasn't, don't worry I know you're stressing out right now."
Ariana: "How can I not be, I specifically told her not to run off, I know how she gets when this shit happens!!"
Courtney: "She's a grown ass woman she can take care of herself."
Ariana: "I know she can, I'm just worried, in what kind of trouble she'll get herself in, she's…Courtney she's not emotional okay and that what worries me!!"
I don't want what happened to repeat itself again, I want to just call the rest of the concert off and leave it at that to look for her.
Courtney: "Don't worry I'll get the guys to go out to look for her."
Ariana's thoughts: "Please be okay."
My five minutes were up and I headed back on stage singing, but I wasn't at my best, I lost track of the soundtrack at times. The lyrics weren't connecting, and I messed up from time to time. It wasn't bad to the point they noticed but I bet some of them knew I was a little off my game after my last performance.
Ariana's thoughts: "I'm fucking this shit so bad right now!!! I can't focus without worrying about Faith, why does she have to choose the worst times to do this shit!!"
~30 minutes later~
Ariana: "Any luck!? Please tell me you found her?"
Courtney: "The guys are still looking, she'll come around." She nervously says.
Fredo: "Hey we have some good news."
I pick up my phone as Fredo is about to tell me the news and there's a text message from Faith.
Ariana: "Wait, she texted me!!"
~Messages~
Faith: Hey I lost my backstage pass and security wouldn't let me back, so umm I'm going to go for a walk outside the arena 😅
Faith: I just felt a little overwhelmed sorry for not listening and staying put like u told me to, I'm not going to wander too far, I promise
Faith: I'll brb after the concert ends I'm fine so dw about me 😁❤️ yk I can take care of myself so u have nothing to worry about okay 🙂💋
Faith: Ily Moonlight and I'm sorry for taking your world away from u…
~Messages end~
I had nothing to say, she was considerate to leave me a message but the way she said left me silent.
Courtney: "Did she tell you where she is and is she okay!?"
Ariana: "Fredo what were you going to tell me?"
I was hoping they brought her back to make shit easier on me.
Fredo: "The good news is that we ask security to keep an eye out for her and we'll umm we found her backstage pass and security told us they saw her leaving the stadium."
Ariana's thoughts: "I'm fucking done right now I don't know what the hell I'm supposed to do!!! I can't just end my concert to go look for her and I can't leave her out there when she's not okay." I just wanted to break down at that moment.
Victoria: "Hey chin up, Ariana we will handle the situation with Faith, you go out there and perform for your fans."
Courtney: "Don't worry I'll make sure to give her a good stern talking to!!"
I looked back and forth at the stage and the doors, it felt like I had a decision to make. Walk out the doors and go after my Moonlight and get headlined for doing so. Or go perform and let my friends take care of it and hope it all goes well.
Ariana's thoughts: "They don't know her like I do!!" It frustrated me.
Fredo: "When was the last time we ever let you down? I get it you love this woman more than anything, I can see that…I may not know her as well as you but you told me she can be a badass." I nod, smiling weakly. "She can handle herself, so you worry about your concert and we'll bring her back, I have these two if it goes south." He smiles.
That reassured me and gave a sigh of relief, I know Faith, like the back of my hand. We're nearly inseparable with one another, yet each time she leaves unannounced some shit happens. That is the part that worries me the most, the way she finds trouble.
(Faith pov)
That scene I caused, they left me alone, I didn't know why I did it exactly, but I wasn't going to let them talk to me like that. It probably wasn't the best way to handle it.
Faith's thoughts: "At least it's done and they left me alone."
I walk back towards the arena hearing her singing again. I wasn't ready to go back in so I sat against one of the close concession stands in a dark dimmed section outside.
My mind went blank as I held my knees close to my chest and stared at the ground. Being alone is what I need, before I can go back and face her again.
I soon could tell that the concert was nearing the end as she started to sing some of the final songs.
Courtney: "Guys I found her over here!!!" She runs up to me. "Hey you alright? Ari is really worried about you." She nervously says.
I don't bother to look up and stay slouched into my knees.
Faith: "I told her not to, I sent her text messages, like I was going to do something stupid in my condition."
Courtney: "Alright well you're getting up and we're going back to Ari."
Faith: "You can go back and tell her I'm fine, I'm going to stay here for a little longer."
The others come along and Courtney tells them to slow down and let her talk with me alone.
Courtney: "You know I can't do that, you're having a hard time, I get that and so does Ari, I'm your friend, you can tell me whatever it is that is hurting you."
Faith: "Does it matter? I already screwed it up again, no matter how many times I tell anyone, it won't go away, so there's no point in talking, I'm breaking her world." I hold myself tighter.
I could feel more than a couple of eyes on me and they slowly left until it was just me and Courtney, alone together. I bet she told them to give us space alone so she can talk with me. Between everyone and besides Ariana, I'm the closest to her.
Courtney: "Can you at least look at me when I'm talking?" I ignore her. "I know this place near the arena has some really good Mexican food."
Faith: "I'm not hungry right now, no quiero comer horrita."
Courtney: "What's wrong then? I understand that the car incident shook you, the injuries from the tour and then the cut, I don't know what happened when you were gone but I tend to worry too, don't forget we kinda grew up together."
It's all of it to be honest the shit I feel and it just never stops piling up. It's like I'm starting to hear his voice in the back of my head telling me I fucked up, that I'm to blame for everything as of this moment.
Faith: "I fucked up okay, I fucking mess up and I'm paying for all of it!!!" I tear up frustrated.
I grab the first thing near me, my phone shattering it completely.
Courtney: "Hey just calm down, breathe Faith, just calm down."
Faith: "I thought I could keep it all inside, put it behind me!!! Who the fuck was I to believe it was going to fine!! For the love of God, there is just so much I take!!" Frustrated, I almost broke my hand again.
I wanted to punch the wall in pure frustration and pain, if it wasn't for Courtney I would've done it.
Courtney: "Faith!!! Stop it!!! Please, you're going to hurt yourself!!"
I shrug her off and look at her like I did my mother when she grabbed my wrist.
Faith: "Hurt? Look at me!! Don't you think I'm not hurting!? These are going to be another pair of scars just to remind that I'm fucking screw up!! That nothing I do matters, I can't do anything right!! I'm a horrible daughter, sister and girlfriend!!"
Courtney: "Faith you're none of that, if it wasn't for you Ariana would've dealt with more pain then if you weren't with her!! You matter, to me, to our friends, you matter to her."
Faith: "Then why can't I do shit right? I can't get a proper career, I'm shit at producing, I'm no technician!! For the hell all I'm good at is cooking!! And I can't do that now!! My mother disowned me!! I physically assaulted her ex's, my grandma has cancer and there literally nothing I can do about it!! All I'm good for is causing problems!! I shouldn't even be here, I should be dead!!"
I left her speechless, all my emotions were off the rails, frustration, anger, despair, pain. I knew what I got myself into and I let it happen and in the end I finally broke her world.
Faith: "Love hurts!! Okay and I'm paying the price of my consequences!!"
Courtney: "Faith!!! Don't you ever say that!!! Never tell yourself that you wish you were dead!! You don't mean that!!"
Faith: "I still get nightmares from that day, and ya not a day goes by that I wish it was me instead of him!!" I kick a trash bin and walk away from Courtney.
Courtney: "Faith!!! Faith!!!"
I could hear her yelling, but my mind drifted away blocking her out.
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Thank you for reading this story for me and hope you really enjoyed it.
If your wanting to know what happens next pls go and read the 2nd book
"Admit that it hurts you."
Love every single one of you who read this