I was indeed losing my mind. I'd run out of whiskey, left instead to dwell in the expanse of my mind. It was a sickening place and I wanted desperately to escape. From the markings I'd begun to place on the parchment I found in a bedside, I came to the conclusion that I'd been here for two months. Azriel had been gone for three weeks now. My only sense of reality was hiding away from me.
I hung the wet clothes above the basin, stepping back to observe my work. After living a life being pampered by hired help, I was proud to find myself washing my own clothing and preparing my own food. It was the only positive in these months. Sighing, I turned away and padded into the bedroom, filing through the leftover clothing.
I was left with wool pants that smelled of dust and faint wind. I tugged them on, using the strip of leather to tie them off at the waist. I had begun to grow fond of wearing pants; yet another detachment from the life I once lived. I pulled a tunic smelling of my brother over my head and tucked it into the waist of the pants. I slipped on woolen socks that were far too big and went to the sitting room.
The wind was howling outside. The sun had fallen behind the thick trees and snow swirled in the small clearing where the cabin sat. I traced a finger over the cold glass of the window, feeling my stomach churn. It had been so long since I'd gone outside. I knew it would be foolish, but if I hadn't been caught yet, stepping out into the snow shouldn't condemn me.
Before my nerves could turn me away from my idea, I spun and gathered a coat from the rack next to the door. It was thick and swallowed me whole, but I didn't plan to be outside long enough for the snow to find its way up the gap. I shoved my sock covered feet into large boots and tied them as tight as I could before standing and facing the door.
I'd been too late; anxiety climbed up my spine. What if my father stood outside this door? What if his warriors flew over the clearing and spotted me? There were endless reasons not to go outside, but my heart yearned to feel fresh air against my skin. The cabin had been wonderful to me, but I couldn't stand the stuffiness of it anymore.
Blowing out a heavy sigh, I opened the door and slipped out. No one stood in the small clearing, though the shadows in the trees seemed to stretch and reach for me. I swallowed hard, shutting the door and keeping my back against the rough wood exterior of the cabin. As I turned the corner, no longer blocked by the cabin, wind whipped against my cheeks and hair. I sniffled, my nose already numb from the cold. I couldn't believe it was Spring down in the valleys. This felt like a brutal winter.
Though my skin burned, I felt free. A smile rose onto stiff cheeks, my chin tipping back as snow drifted from the roof and sprinkled over me. Oh Gods; I hadn't realized how tortured I felt stuffed inside that cabin. I felt the emotions choke me, clenching my throat that made it too hard to swallow. I didn't even realize I had fallen to my knees until I bent forward and my face pressed into the icy snow. I should hold my breath, stay silent and pray nobody could find me, but I couldn't stop the grief of another life from sweeping me under.
A strangled sob left me. My voice was already hoarse from disuse, but now I sounded like a mountain cat screaming for her family. The taste of the wind had memories flooding my mind in a painful way. I remembered my mother cradling me in her lap as she showed me the best ways to thread fabric together. I remembered my brother sneaking into my room to speak late into the night after my father had locked me away when I argued too much.
I felt like I'd betrayed them. The only two in my life to love me, and I'd left them. Why? Because I didn't want to marry a stranger? At least then I may have the chance to see them again. I'd signed my own life away when I ran. I'd never be able to safely see my mother or Rhysand now.
My fists curled into the snow as I let out another cry. I was just a foolish child, just like my father said. Greedy and spoiled, naive to the world around me. I lived within a cushion of lies and obedience, and I'd left it for a world of silence and solitude. What had happened to the young female who wished for more friends than only her cousin and brother? Who wanted to laugh and spent late nights at the taverns? I supposed I still wanted that, but I'd stolen the chances away from myself.
I hadn't realized how truly foolish I was. Not until a hand was on my shoulder, pulling me back against a hard chest. I gasped, kicking out as a hand looped around my waist and began carrying me. I'd left myself entirely vulnerable.
"No! No! Please-"
"Shut up," a hard voice ground out. I felt like a wild animal being stolen away. I thrashed and kicked and clawed at the arm around me. I'd expected to be in the air, flying to whatever station of soldiers would alert my father. Instead, a rush of heat flooded me as I was carried into the cabin. The door slammed and I was dropped to my feet- my knees.
My head whipped up, blinking through the tears to see who had grabbed me. Looming above me was not a monster ordered to capture and drag me back to the Moonstone Palace. It was Azriel, glaring down at me as shadows curled around his throat and shoulders.
"What were you thinking? Freyja, you were screaming out there. Anyone could have found you!"
I flinched at his harsh tone, dropping my head down in submission like I'd learned long ago. I was sure I muttered an apology, but my teeth chattered too much for clear words to come out. I curled my hands against the rough wood and waited. I didn't know what for. Azriel wouldn't punish me. I wouldn't be slapped or shoved into my bedroom to be locked away until he remembered I was there. He'd never do that to me, but instinct took over. This cabin had broken me down enough to slink back into the young girl I'd done my hardest to escape from.
I heard him sigh over the clattering of my teeth. My blurred vision caught a knee dropping before a boot, and then his hands were on me. I was pulled into his chest, gloved hands gliding over my hair as he rocked me. Why was he comforting me?
"Do you need to talk about it?"
That shocked me more than him comforting me. The only person who ever offered to hear my sorrows was Rhysand. And that thought brought another sharp pain to my chest. I succumbed, curling into his chest and letting him comfort me.
"I- I feel like I betrayed th- them," I stammered, fighting through the shaking of my jaw. My voice sounded horrid- like the old female I'd met once in a shop in Windhaven.
"Who, Freyja?"
"Rhys. M- my mother."
"How did you betray them?" Azriel asked softly. I wanted to cry harder at his willingness to listen to me.
"They are the only ones who truly loved me. I left them. I will never see them again," I spoke, finally clear of the chattering teeth. I felt lips against my hair just before his hand smoothed over it.
"I'd believe they would be willing to keep your secret to see you again."
I shook my head. "Not with my father's threats. It doesn't matter if he truly cares for them. He'd do anything to get his property back and they know it."
Azriel didn't respond. Instead, he lifted me and began walking. I didn't protest. I just wanted to be near someone other than myself. Azriel sat me on the edge of my bed, dropping to his knee to begin untying my boots. I watched his gloved hands, remembering the ragged scars beneath it. I wanted to feel them on my skin.
"Can you take your gloves off?" I asked, glancing between him and the now still hands on my foot. His jaw clenched, but he pulled his hands back and tugged the gloves off. I didn't understand why, but I felt relief fill me at the sight of his beautifully strange hands; as though I felt comfort in the fact that he felt safe enough to show them.
As my emotions cooled and my feet were free of clunky boots, I inhaled. I smelled it then. The metallic sweetness of blood. As he straightened and began working the coat from my body, I studying his clothes. They were not leathers, but lounge clothes as though he came here from bed. There was no dark stain of blood on the loose fabric.
"Azriel?" I spoke his name as a question. He slowed in the midst of pulling the jacket from my shoulders.
"Hmm?"
"Why do you smell of blood?"
His hands stilled entirely. I glanced up at his shadowed face. The moonlight hardly showed his features, but I knew all too well what he looked like. His jaw was tight, brows furrowed, eyes narrowed on some spot that surely had no interesting look.
"Do I?" He finally asked, voice calm and collected as he tugged the coat from me and dropped it on the floor. I nodded, tilting my head.
"Why?"
"I don't know."
"That's not true, is it? What happened?"
Even though I could see him in the darkness, I wished there was more light so I could study his skin. I wanted to see if there were any fading marks, any smudges of the thick crimson liquid.
"Don't worry about it, Freyja. Let's get you warm."
Any chill had left my body. I pulled myself backwards on the bed and out of his reach. His shoulders seemed tense, the muscle in his jaw dancing as he ground his teeth. Cauldron, he looked terrifying. I could see why the other trainees treated him better than my brother or Cass in the camps. Azriel looked like he could tear me apart without a second thought. For some reason, that made my skin all the warmer.
"Is it yours?"
It held that scent I've come to know on him. Spices, pine, wind, and snow. He smelled sharp and delectable. Now, there was only the hint of blood mixed within- not a distinct smell of anyone else. He was silent for a long moment before forcing a breath from his nose.
"Yes."
I frowned, looking him over. In his clothes, he didn't seem to have any injuries. My eyes fell to his hands. As marked as they were, there was nothing fresh on them. I watched a shadow climb his neck, dancing around his ear. He was skilled at hiding emotions, but I saw the twitch in his eye. They were speaking to him, and from what I could tell, it wasn't kind. I pulled myself higher on the bed, resting against the headboard. Azriel watched me with suspicion, but I patted the blanket beside me and forced a smile onto my lips.
"Come here."
He was hesitant, but finally kicked his boots off and climbed onto the bed. I expected him to sit stiffly beside me, but he didn't. This terrifying male lost his facade the moment he climbed beside me. He dropped down, his head on my lap and wings pulled in tight behind him. I may need comfort, but something told me Azriel needed it far more.