◈ 𝒃𝒂𝒙'𝒔 𝒑𝒐𝒗 ◈
Hearing my sister's voice—as much as it hurts—it's good to know she's okay. May was right, I was still upset, overreacting. I would be devastated if anything happened to either of my sisters, even though they had wronged me. One day I would forgive the two of them, I just wasn't ready yet. I didn't want to let either of them in.
I hope that one-day Wren does see that there is more to life than just being number one. Us Radics', it's all we've ever know. We were born destined for greatness, and it is what we exceed at. But living a life without fun, without a supportive group of friends really isn't worth it. Life is so much better when you can spend it with genuine connections.
I was lucky to have been given the chance to show May that I did care for her. Every morning I woke up knowing that I'd get to see her smiling face in just a short few moments. She was predictable, easy, comfortable. She was a sense of stability I don't think I had ever experienced. It felt good to be more than just a great surfer. Because boy she did not care even one little bit about surfing.
What she did care about though, is that it made me happy. So every day she made an effort to make sure that I was happy doing what I loved. She took time to let me show her the way of the water, even if she was scared at first. She let go and let herself be free with me. The box she had set herself in was no longer a trapped cage, but a room with a wide open door she willing to step out of often.
She tried with everything in her to make my life easier. I'm pretty sure at this point she might even risk her life for me if I asked, as long as I was risking my life with her, she'd say yes. She didn't care what it was, as long as she was with me she was content. I guess that's what happens when you spend so many weeks admiring someone from afar. When they become yours, you're willing to do whatever it takes to hold onto them forever.
At night sometimes I lie awake, replaying our conversations so vividly in my head it's like they're actually happening again. I have to relive the way her face falls when I tell her that I still would have pursued Summer if Ari hadn't of picked her again. Some nights it makes me physically ill. I run to the toilet and spew whatever I've eaten in the day in the bowl.
No matter how many times I try to convince myself that the answer should be different, it's not. I would have continued to hurt May and I would have stayed on my journey with Summer. I would have done anything to apologize for the shit I pulled with Summer's board. I would have done everything that May is doing with me now. Because when something is good, you don't let it go.
Things with Summer were good. Even if I had wanted May all along, that didn't mean that feelings for Summer didn't creep in. She was there when I needed her, really needed her. She supported me when no one else did. She even supported me after she found out that I fucked with her board. You don't just easily move on from someone who accepts your faults for what they are.
It's hard not to gravitate to Summer when things get rough. It's hard not to run to what is comfortable and easy. And sometimes it does happen. Sometimes May has gone to sleep and I reach out to Summer because I know that she'll listen to whatever I have to say. Sometimes she won't even say a thing. She'll listen to me even if I'm a broken record on the repeat.
I know that May would do the same, it's just different. I'm trapped in this middle ground. A middle ground that doesn't actually exist because I'm with May, and Summer is with Ari. Sometimes though, there's a glimmer of a middle ground. When it's the middle of the night, and tiredness has swept over our brains. A middle ground opens up and it's so hard to not get lost in it.
Today a middle ground opened up. I don't even know how it happened. One second I'm on the phone with Wren. The next May is trying to make my sister see the light. And out of nowhere I'm upset. Like a switch had been flipped in my mind. I mindlessly took May home, but I didn't leave when she stepped inside. Instead I snuck to Summer's window and stole her way.
We disappeared to the place I made her board at and got lost for I don't even know how long. It's like time didn't exist for a while. I didn't have to think too hard. I got to laugh and get lost in the moment. I got to enjoy Summer's company like I had in the past. For a moment, I forgot that we both were seeing other people.
A part of me almost thought of stealing a kiss just like she did at Wren's birthday. I knew that if that happened though, the guilt would eat us both alive. She had done this to me in the past. She couldn't do it to Ari too.
The moment I drop Summer back at home, I feel like I need to confess all my thoughts to May. I need to let them go before I turn into another version of Summer. I don't want to be the person to hide what I'm feeling because I've been on the other side of that. It hurts and the longer it waits, the worse it will get.
I just don't know how I'm going to be able to look Maybelle in the eyes and tell her everything. How do you tell someone without hurting them? Is that even an option? No matter what way I go about this, she'll end up with a tear or many. Was keeping this a secret, better than telling her? Because seeing her cry might actually knock a massive chunk of my heart off. She already carries so much pain. I didn't want to add to it. Hiding it though, it wasn't fair.
As I stand at her front door—pacing back and forth contemplating what to do—she beats me to the punch, her name pulling across the screen of my phone. Her voice is soft, like if she were to speak any louder she'd go mute for life. "Hey Baxter."
Shit.
"Hey May." My voice is just as soft back. I slide my hand into my pocket, feeling like I've lost all control of my body—and mind.
"Want to come in and have a chat?" her voice is still soft, but now the softness is there purely from defeat.
I turn toward her front door to see her watching me pace her driveway from the window in the hall. "Yeah." I hang up and enter her house. She greets me at the door with a sad excuse of a smile. I've already hurt her. What's another dagger at this point?
She holds her hand out for me to take, and I do. I hear Summer speaking to who I can only assume must be Ari on the phone. But I tone it out because seeing May like this completely erases every second spent with her. It wasn't worth it. The middle ground was never going to be worth it if this is what I had to deal with—if this is what I had to feel.
"I'm glad you have someone else to go to when things aren't the best." She stares at the ground as she speaks. Her voice is teetering on the edge of a wall, trying not to break. I've taken a seat on her bed, but she hasn't. She's stood across from me, unable to face me. I don't even blame her.
"Come here." I hold my hands out to her, hating the space between us. She hesitates. Her eyes focus on my hands for a good minute before her fingertips tap the tips of mine, and that's all I need to draw her to me.
Her legs fall between mine, my head against her chest as she wraps her arms around me. My hands drift around her waist, finding a comfort as they hold at her lower back. "I'm sorry I've hurt you." I look up at her.
"I'm okay." She can't hold eye contact with me for more than a second. Her eyes drift toward the ceiling in some failed attempt to hold back the emotions fighting their way out of her. She will always wear her feelings on her sleeve. Her attempts will always fail. I will always see past the armor she's tried to put up.
"I know that spending time alone with Summer would make you hurt, and I still did it anyways. I shouldn't have. You don't have to be okay. You have every right to be upset with me Maybelle. Honestly, please be upset with me. I deserve it."
She quickly lifts her hand to her face, dapping at her eyes with the sleeve of her sweatshirt. It's only then when I notice she's wrapped up in mine. Even when she's upset with me, she still finds comfort in me. Why was I even questioning my feelings? She was what I wanted all along.
"Babe." I stand, wiping more falling tears from her cheeks. "I messed up."
She turns away from me. "I figured." She mumbles out in a tone so sad I feel like I'm fighting off tears of my own. "What'd you do? Kiss her?" As the sting comes in from her questions, she turns to look at me. Her face completely washed red from the tears pouring down her cheeks.
"Almost." I admit. I want to hold her, take the pain away. But there is no way in hell she wants that from me.
She shakes her head. "I trusted you, you know?" Her eyes narrow. She means to come off angry, but I don't think she has the energy to be angry. I've sucked all the energy she had straight from her.
"I—"
"I let you in." She takes a deep breath as more tears start to stream. This time they're uncontrollable. They have a mind of their own. "I opened up to you Baxter."
"I know Maybelle." I sigh, because what else am I to do? I can't comfort her. I'm the reason she's hurting. Anything I do is just going to make it worse.
"Is this a normal thing you do? Run to Summer?" She lifts the sleeve of my sweatshirt to her nose and runs it along the mess on her face.
Normal? No. But she won't believe me if I say that.
"Old habits are hard to break." I give the coldest answer I can because at least she'd believe that.
"What stopped you from kissing her?" May steps toward me, her hands grabbing mine. She's stolen one of my distraction tactics. She's fidgeting with my fingers as she waits for my response. It really is true, the longer you spend with someone, the more habits you learn off of one another.
"You." I say simply. Because it is true. Summer was a slice of cake, May was the whole damn thing. No matter how many trips I took to the middle ground I would always end up back at May. Summer would never be May.
Even if I had fought for Summer, a part of me would have always wondered what if I had gotten a shot with May. What would my life would have been? How different would things be? Would I be happier if I got my chance with her? May would have always lingered. Now May doesn't have to linger, because I've got her. My arms wrapped around her so tightly because I'm the biggest idiot in the world and she doesn't deserve the shit I put her through. But some reason she stays because in a nonsensical way, she feels safe with me.