I was an absolute fool. Whether it was the fact I had acted on desire with the one female I shouldn't have, or that I ran from her without explanation, I was a fool.
Out of the haze of emotion and lust, I was back at the House. Thankfully as I bathed and cleansed myself of Freyja's scent, nobody had come for me. After I dressed myself, I sat on the edge of my bed and tried to think of what to do. It was obvious Freyja had some sort of connection to me. I didn't want to break her heart, but I couldn't continue it.
I knew I desired her. I didn't know if it was because it was the excitement of her being forbidden, or perhaps just the fact that my mind was in a spiral as of late. None of my thoughts were clear. That's all I could blame this on. I needed to hold off from visiting her- perhaps two weeks at a time- and avoid any contact when I went to the cabin.
There was something about the way she had held me and touched me; Freyja certainly had feelings for me. When it came to allowing myself to enjoy her touch and taking my gloves off to feel her, I had lost my mind. I'd never allowed my scarred hands to touch another by skin, not even Mor if she'd let me touch her. Why had I let Freyja touch me?
You enjoy the risk.
Forbidden fruit.
Marred hands ruin pristine virtue.
I couldn't fucking handle it. My shadows taunted me since I left her, and the guilt of pleasuring her when I was lying to her brother. I wanted to tear my fucking hair out. Nonetheless, as I heard voices in the sitting room, I steeled my face and marched out. Cassian, Rhys, and Mor were on the chaise and settees.
"Where were you last night?" Rhysand asked me as he leaned back on the seat. I didn't like the lie, but I couldn't tell him anything near the truth.
"I'd gone to see Flora. She wasn't there, so I was on the hunt for another," I murmured, dropping down beside Mor. I'd hoped her sweet berry scent would rid me of my nerves. It didn't, so far.
"You weren't here this morning," Cassian pointed out. I fought the urge to glare at him.
"My shadows had found movement through the base of the Illyrian Mountains. Down by the lake. They'd misunderstood, though. It was some creature," I answered dryly. I'd earned some suspicious looks, but nobody pressed further.
"So, Rhys, your father hasn't mentioned anything more? Does he at least have an idea where she could be?" Mor asked. She leaned back, curling her legs up on the seat. Her shoulder brushed against me, her golden hair falling over my bare arm. I let myself enjoy that contact for a moment.
"He has a suspicion. It's possible she'd gone somewhere we already checked, but that's all he would say," Rhys muttered. His eyes flickered towards me for a moment that had my heart racing. I settled further into the seat to distract from the racing pulse.
"Have they lessened the search? My shadows haven't reported many soldiers." Heads turned to me.
"No, not that I know of. I think my father may be playing a game with Freyja now. I think he has narrowed down where she went and could be toying with her now. Obviously, he wouldn't let that information slip if he expected one of us to get her." Rhysand's eyes fell to his hands.
"If he knows where she is, why hasn't he just grabbed her? Why let her feel like she has freedom just to take it away?" I couldn't stop myself from asking. If Alcaeus knew where Freyja was, I was completely and utterly fucked.
"Come on, Az. You know how he is. He loves torturing people, including his children," Rhysand spat. I couldn't argue with that. He'd get off on the fact that I'm drowning in my own guilt.
"Either way, I need to do another round in the slums. I heard some people speaking of a suspicious cloaked figure wandering in the apothecary a few weeks back. They haven't seen them since, but it's at least something," Cass explained as he rose from his seat. Rhysand shot up beside him.
"If there's been any sightings, I'm coming with."
The two didn't even bother looking at Mor or I as they left. I watched my brothers leave, the realization that I was completely alone with Morrigan hitting me hard. My throat felt tight, my palms feeling sweaty in my leather gloves. Mor let out a small sigh, pressing her fingers against her cheek.
"I'm so worried for her," she murmured gently. I fought through the tightness in my throat to speak.
"You two are close. Did she mention wanting to run away?"
"No," Mor shook her head, "She was always as proper as Odessa taught her to be. Freyja never spoke to me about anything Alcaeus wouldn't allow. The only thing she ever would mention that would have him concerned would be her attraction to... a male."
Interestingly, that had me raising a brow. A small heat at the back of my neck rose. "A male she was attracted to? Could she have run off with him?"
Mor snorted, looking at me through the corner of her eyes before looking down at her lap.
"No, I wouldn't think so."
My suspicion grew, as well as the strange sensation in my stomach. It felt the same as when Mor cuddled with Cassian after a long night of drinking. I swallowed the sour taste in my throat.
"Has he been spotted since her disappearance?"
Mor glanced at me again, a small smile on her plump lips. I felt a strange fluttering in my stomach along with the burn.
"Yes. Often."
I wondered who this male was. Had Freyja thought of him during our time together? Why hadn't she gone to him during her drunken wish to lose her virginity?
Slaughter him.
Tear his throat out.
Carve his skin until she cannot admire him.
I cleared my throat, glancing at Mor. Her presence didn't soothe me at all. I felt on edge around her. With Freyja, my mind was silent beyond the desire I felt. That thought had me spiraling further.
"Az, are you doing okay? You've been on edge for a few weeks now," Mor suddenly spoke. I clenched my jaw as I looked to the window, praying I'd see my brothers flying back.
"Aren't we all? Rhys's sister is gone."
"It's more than that, isn't it? I mean, Cass told me what you've been doing in Windhaven. Someone who is in their right mind wouldn't do those... those acts."
I felt my defense rise at her words. Those acts. Like I'm some sort of monster? I mean, I knew I was, but not in the sense she spoke it. I defended the females who couldn't do that for themselves and I paid the justice to those fucking creatures who took more than offered. The males I slaughtered were not like me, they weren't natural. They chose to take from females even as they screamed for them to stop. I couldn't fucking fathom it.
"What do you mean 'those acts'," I asked, speaking far harsher than I meant. Even at the memory of the last male I killed had my knife feeling warm on my thigh.
"I mean, Cass told me how they were found. Azriel, one male had his intestines around his throat and his... his sex was cut from him and shoved up his ass. If you weren't struggling mentally, how could you possibly do something like that? After what we saw in the war?"
I bit down on my tongue, sweet metallic liquid flooding my mouth. The acts I committed were no crime. They were what those fucking males deserved.
"I did what was necessary," I ground out. I didn't want to listen to the female I loved speak to me like I was some cruel monster. I shoved off from the couch and began walking towards my room, but her hand was on me. I spun, taking care in not sending my fucking fist through her skull. It clenched against my thigh.
"Azriel, what you did was cruel. It was an abomination! You saw what they did to our warriors when they were captured. The way they were tortured. How could you allow yourself to do that?" Mor's voice went higher, her eyes glimmering with tears I didn't want. I didn't deserve.
"What they would've done to the fucking females I saved would've been far worse. They don't care how the female is left after they've raped them, Morrigan! Why should I care if he's left disemboweled for his fucking friends to find? I would say it's better than letting them do what they wish and walk off like they didn't tear a fucking female's soul from her!"
I hadn't yelled in so long, I surprised myself. Being berated for the acts I've done was enough for me to lose control, and as infuriating as she was in that moment, Mor didn't deserve the blunt end of my wrath.
Mor's eyes softened. Her hand lifted and rested on my arm. I fought the urge to shudder and push her away.
"I appreciate that you care for the Illyrian females, but like Rhysand said, you're killing our army's numbers. The courts are tense, Az. We cannot risk not having an army if battles begin."
I scoffed, rolling my shoulder to gently push her hand away.
"So we would rather fight alongside rapists and sadists? I'd rather have no army than allow those females to live in constant fear. I've seen what they've done. How do you think I was born, Mor? There was no love between my parents. My mother was a fucking toy for my father and the moment she pushed me out, she was a forgotten memory. They shouldn't bear children they do not want, they shouldn't have a piece of a monster that couldn't care if she lived or died."
I was shaking now, and I wasn't surprised that my shadows chanted in my ear to return to Freyja. I knew she would allow me to speak my mind, and I knew she would agree with me. Cauldron, Freyja would join me in my efforts to rid the camps of those males.
"That's not what I'm saying, Azriel. You know I do not wish harm upon females. You know I hate any male who would even attempt it, but you're risking your own life by doing this. Yes, you're killing the ones who acted upon horrid desire, but once your face is seen by anyone, Alcaeus would have your head. Is it truly worth it?"
Is it truly worth it? Yes, no. I didn't care about my own life. I wouldn't mind being thrown into the flaming base of the Cauldron. I'd rather die knowing less females were being raped and tortured. I was a selfish bastard, though. My crimes were not only committed to save them. They were to ease the constant pressure in my mind.
"Yes. It is," I muttered, giving Mor one last look before turning away. I shut myself in my bedroom for the day after that. It was childish, sure, but I needed to sort through my mind. I knew I had dark desires. I knew I had distasteful attraction to the deep crimson in veins and the purple bloom of bruises. I liked them from my own hand as well as on myself.
I was wrong, disgusting even, but I couldn't change it. Something deep within me hungered for violence. It was the only reason I was fine with being hired by Alcaeus. I was not fond of the High Lord, but he was a dark male, and I knew he would feed my desires if I wished.