I stared down at the female beneath me, her dark hair a mess on the pillow and her cheeks pink with exertion. My gloved hand stroked my cock, frustration sending me over a violent edge as I shoved back away from the bed, running my hand through my hair. I let out a deep groan.
"Az, don't push it."
"I don't fucking pay you to talk," I spat, glaring at Flora over my shoulder. I'd given her three orgasms in hopes that I'd be ready by then. I hadn't been. I'd never had this problem, unable to get hard and lose myself in her warmth. It was my only other fucking release. Rhys took away the only other thing that brought me peace; banning me from killing in Windhaven. Flora had been my go-to other than that, but now my body seemed to refuse.
I clenched my teeth so hard my ears rang. I felt a gentle hand brushing over my wing, a shudder running down my spine. Flora stepped in front of me, her dark eyes full of concern.
"I've spent enough time with you to know when you're falling apart, Azriel. I know you only pay me for pleasure, but I can do other things. I am not just a body, you know. I have a mind, I can think, and I can listen," she said softly. I let out a sigh. I knew my words were harsh, but anger drug me down until all I could feel was the chill of my shadows and their disturbing hold. Even now, with her body bare and open to me, they chanted in the back of my mind.
"I didn't mean it like that. I have been under a lot of stress and I just fucking need peace," I spat. Flora's head tilted, dark waves falling over her shoulder and hiding the darker pink skin of her nipple- ones that were now red from my teeth.
"Have you been training? Maybe that's what you need. Maybe not sexual release but one from your muscles," she murmured. Despite her close proximity, she obeyed my orders to not touch me. I didn't know what I'd do if she did now. I'd been so wound up in the past three weeks, I couldn't fucking breathe.
"I've been training solo for a bit. I'll figure something out," I muttered. Flora offered a small smile and stepped back. I frowned. She'd always been so kind to me, and I've never treated her well outside of simple care after we finish. My throat felt dry as I stepped forward and cupped my hand behind her head, pressing a long kiss to her forehead.
"I'm sure I shouldn't expect to see you soon?" She asked as I stepped away and began gathering my clothes. I tossed coin onto the bed, wiped myself down with the wet cloths, and dressed myself.
"I don't know. I'm sure I'll be back," I muttered. Flora hummed and gathered the coin into her bedside drawer before pulling on a robe. I tried to force a smile but it felt horribly disgusting. With a sigh, I pulled open her door and marched out of the brothel.
I paid no attention to any of the people around me as I stepped into the alleyway and then through the shadow to Velaris. I savored the weightless feel of dropping through the sky before carrying myself to the House. In some strange luck, Cassian was on the training pad lifting heavy stone.
"Need some training. Long swords," I muttered, chucking the cloak from my shoulders and marching to the small shed to grab two swords. Cassian let out a heavy breath as he dropped his weight and turned to me.
"Good evening to you, too, brother. What makes you think I want to go up against you with a blade?"
I narrowed my eyes. He was shirtless and in torn loose pants. I was dressed. I saw the disadvantage and began stripping down. When I wore only my pants and gloves, I tossed the sword to him. Cassian cursed as he caught it by the hilt. I walked up, shifting my weight and getting into position. Cassian followed suit, bending his knees and putting his dominant leg forward.
I was exhausted. Since I'd slept in the cabin with Freyja a week back, I hadn't been able to sleep since. My body was breaking down and I needed to find a release for my discomfort before I lost my mind. More than I already have.
Cassian lunged, swinging the blade toward my shoulder. I hadn't expected it- why hadn't I expected it? I sucked in a sharp breath and moved to dodge it, but the tip sliced my bicep. I didn't give myself time to look down. I launched myself, swinging the blade across his throat. Cassian met my blade with his own, shoving my back and lunging.
We continued this dance for too long, until we both panted and moved too slow for battle. I'd begun to enjoy the sting of the blade, letting him catch me every so often. Unfortunately, that meant my blood was on the stone and we kept slipping. Cassian lunged at me, face reddened and teeth bared. I sidestepped, caught his blade, and shoved back. He lost his footing, dropping to his knee with his sword in a loose fist.
"I'm done. I don't know what the fuck is wrong with you, but you've never made this many mistakes, Az. Your blood is fucking everywhere and I'm not going to keep slicing my brother's skin open. Go clean yourself up," he spat, practically throwing the sword back into the chest. I grit my teeth, looking down at myself. Blood left smeared lines across my torso and arms, mixed with sweat and making me look as through I walked down a narrow hall lined in blades.
When I looked up, Cass was gone. Cauldron, I just wanted to feel something other than anger. I didn't care if it was pain, pleasure, sorrow. I wanted anything other than the fire that swallowed my soul. I replaced the sword and gathered my clothes, padding into the House.
You deserve it.
Your pain is payment for your crimes.
Hurt her.
Take her.
I wanted to scream at my shadows to scatter. I wanted to slit my fucking throat and pray their hold on my mind seeped out with my blood. They'd gotten worse in the past week and I couldn't stand it anymore. As I slammed my bedroom door shut, I stared at myself in the full mirror. Blood ran down my chest, spreading through the grooves of my abdomen. My hands felt sticky inside my gloves, proving that the crimson had made its way in.
Shadows danced along the edge of my vision, my head pounded. I stripped the rest of my clothes and dropped into the warm water. My thoughts didn't ease as the water ran red. I needed sleep, I needed reprieve. After drying myself, I dressed in loose pants and a tunic. I slipped into the sitting room, snatching a bottle of whiskey.
The burn of the liquid did nothing for me. My mind still screamed, my skin itched, my head ached. Fury laced itself in my veins, my eyes squeezed closed. In the darkness, I saw the blood on my skin, I remembered Cassian sobbing as he flew over dead soldiers to catch me before I fell.
His torn wings.
His blood soaked sword.
Rhys on his knees as he grieved the soldiers we grew up with.
I gasped for air, snapping my eyes open. I couldn't do it anymore. I couldn't shove my emotions down. Flashbacks hit me like a tidal wave, my throat closed. With a shout of frustration, I threw the whiskey bottle at the wall and went to the only place I could think clearly.
Wind snapped my clothes against my body, snow hitting my skin in a biting sensation. I pushed my way to the door, shoving it open and slamming it behind me. I heard a small gasp and a whimper from the corridor. My eyes narrowed. I wasn't in the right mind to be around her. I didn't want to hurt her, push her.
"It's me," I forced out, kicking off my snow dusted boots and stalking towards the corridor. I could almost hear how fast her heart beat. With a final exhale, a small shadowed figure stepped into the doorway. I stilled. Oh, Gods. I felt like a rabid animal. One too-fast move from Freyja and I knew I'd pounce. I wanted blood, I wanted peace, I wanted to hear her scream my fucking name.
"Slow," I choked out. I could see her shoulders tense, and then she stepped forward cautiously. I couldn't breathe. My throat felt tight and my chest burned. My muscles ached with how badly I had to tighten them. I needed my control, otherwise I'd make a mess of her.
"Azriel?" She spoke my name so softly. It felt like a gentle caress. I held my breath as she stepped up to me, her chest nearly brushing below mine. I could see the glisten of moonlight in her eyes; i could hear her soft pants. I nearly flinched when her hand lifted but I had my body strung so tight, I didn't think I could move at all.
Freyja, glorious and pure, laid her hand on my cheek. Every part of my body fell into her touch like I was a moth to a flame. I was the wish, she was the star. It was as though her touch unlocked the part of me that could possibly be gentle. Her singular touch pulled forward that child that sat in a dark room and prayed to deaf ears for someone to hold him.
Freyja was shaking so badly. No- I shook. My entire body quaked. I didn't know what happened, but I was on my knees and she had my head cradled to her chest. Oh, Gods, it was the softest touch anyone laid upon me. I was so used to violence and torture and blood, I'd forgotten that there was peace in being held. There was peace in letting myself be vulnerable with someone who had already given me a glimpse at their soul.
"Freyja," I croaked, clutching at her waist. She hushed me, pressed a kiss to my hair. I was meant to be a protector; a warrior. I was entirely opposite now. On my knees in the arms of a female who'd been stripped of any sort of power, I felt a tear fall. I didn't know if it was the first, but it seared through my sleeve like a hot iron.
I flinched, jolting in her hold. Freyja clutched me tighter, muttering things under her breath that I could only assume were sweet nothings. I hated this, I loved this. I couldn't remember the last time I cried. I thought it was when my step-brothers burned me. I was just a child and I weeped at the pain like any child would. When my father stood over me, scolding those males and sending them off, he told me to never be weak. He told me that my weakness would always be used against me.
It was the only good advice my father ever gave me. I suffered with uncovered wounds for too long, and then I was dumped at that gods forsaken camp and Rhysand brought me to his mother. Odessa cared for me like my mother would have, if she had known. As the memories flooded me, I realized the last time I had cried was when Odessa wrapped my wounds with ointment and fabric, kissed my head, and promised me I'd be safe with her.
I was never safe again, but I felt it now. In Freyja's arms, I felt safe, secure, and I let this female hold me as I cried for the first time since I was a child.