I couldn't stop thinking about the way Azriel had kissed me. During the days and nights I spent holed up in the cabin, nursing the final bottle of whiskey, I imagined it over and over again. It devoured my numb mind every moment because otherwise, I'd dwell on what would happen if I was caught. I'd dwell on the fact that I was solo on top of a mountain, that I was running out of whiskey, out of books. There was nothing left for me other than sleeping or watching the snow dance in the wind outside.
All that was left of me was the small fragment clinging on the hope that Azriel would return and pull me into a sweet oblivion, a fantasy I would never truly know. I just wanted to forget who I was and why I was here. So many days had passed since he was last here, I couldn't keep track anymore. I watched the sun fall seven times, and then I slept through it, and then I didn't know if it was the same day or not.
It was a numb cycle of waking in a cold bed, bathing just because I was bored, skimming through yet another novel about faraway lands. I would eat only when my stomach would cramp, I would sip the whiskey in hopes that my lack of food would bring me to intoxication quicker. It had to have been two weeks, surely.
I'd begun to run out of clean clothes, even borrowing them from the drawers in other rooms. I had to wash them in the basin and hang them from the line that stretched across the far wall of the bathing chamber. I was bundled in a large long sleeved tunic, undergarments that hadn't quite dried yet, and two blankets. I was sat at the dining table, taking a tiny sip of the whiskey as my stomach grumbled.
I should make food, but I wanted to feel the effect of the whiskey. I guessed it didn't matter in the moment. All thoughts eased from my mind as I watched the snow dance in the trees, the moonlight blinking in and out with the movement of the branches.
I had lived as a ghost my entire life, but now I felt more like one than ever. A spirit of the wood, a thoughtless creature drifting through an endless life. I almost wanted to be found, just so I could feel something more than this. I wanted to be hurt, I wanted to feel joy or sadness or fear. I enjoyed the numbing of the whiskey only because it ceased my brain of thoughts and made my skin feel charged by lightning. It was more than just numb, it was a distraction.
My eyes fell to the glass in my hand. It was nearly empty, two or three drops of amber liquid left. A nectar of the Cauldron, fueled with regrets and sorrows. I felt a numb smile ghost over my lips as I caught the moon's light again. She waved at me, I waved back. Two lonely souls on an empty night.
"Do you feel alone, too?" I whispered, blinking back the burn of tears. The moon didn't answer, she waved again behind the trees. I don't believe she felt as alone as I did, because at least she had the stars.
I sighed, looking down at the last drops of whiskey again. Either it had gotten to me faster than I thought, or I was losing my mind. I wouldn't be shocked. I had convinced myself that my last few interactions with Azriel were figments of my imagination. That I'd been alone for the Mother knows how long and my mind feasted upon fantasies I created.
I brought my fingers to my lips, glancing at the moon. I wondered if she had seen what we had done. If she could speak, she could tell me if I'd been truly alone all this time. My mind turned to the door, trying to imagine my brother walking through. I wanted him to walk in, hug me, tell me everything would be alright.
He didn't come, and I believed he never would. I lost my battle with the tears, one slipping down my cheek and another hitting the wooden table near my wrist. A small strangled sound escaped my throat as I watched the door. Maybe my mother would walk in, maybe she would hold me. Maybe she would tell me that my father changed his mind and that I could live freely.
"Mama," I whispered, my throat beginning to burn from disuse. Had I even spoken since coming here? Had it been longer than I'd thought? Had it only been a few days?
Movement outside of the window caught my attention. I snapped my eyes to the snowy trees, frowning at the absence of life. A shadow from the moon's light, perhaps. I shifted in the hard chair, the scratchy wool of the blanket scraping my bare thighs. I felt uncomfortable, uneasy. My eyes scanned the landscape again. There was nothing, I had thought, but then the door began to open. I clutched the glass in my hand, ready to throw it in case I'd been caught, but messy midnight curls shook snow from their length, boots thudding to kick snow onto the rug.
"Azriel?" I whispered again. His eyes shot to the chaise and then to me, as if he hadn't expected me to be here. He closed the door, brushing off his black tunic.
"Are you alright?" He asked, golden eyes falling to my cheek. I lifted my hand, brushing my knuckle against the stray tear. Another one met my skin too soon.
"Are you real?" I asked, my voice breaking. His brows furrowed, chin dipping.
"Are you alright?" Azriel repeated, slowly stepping toward me. He acted as though I were a spooked animal, ready to act at any moment. Maybe I was. My throat would swallow, a sob threatening to burst. Was I crazy? Did the moon know the truth? I tucked my legs up on the chair, pulling the blanket to my chin. The whiskey glass was forgotten on the table.
"Are you real?" I asked again, my voice more frantic as the sob left me. Azriel dropped to his knee, hand hovering over my shoulder. My eyes scanned his face. He looked as beautiful as I remembered, though he looked more haunted, more ragged. The beginnings of a beard shadowed his face, his eyes darkened with lack of sleep.
"Yes, I'm real. I'm here," he murmured, watching a tear slip down my cheek. I didn't believe him even as he leaned forward and pressed his cool lips to the salty drop on my skin. It was a soft gesture I would've never thought Azriel could make- furthering my suspicion that I was losing my mind. Another strangled sound left me as my fingers twitched, dying to touch him just to know if he was tangible. He noticed, of course he did, and he reached down and took my fingers in his gloved ones. I shuddered, dropping my eyes down as another wave of tears slipped down my cheek.
"I thought I was going insane. I thought I'd been alone long enough that I imagined you," I said, unable to hide my thoughts with my emotions. He blew out a breath so softly, I thought it could've been the wind outside, but he leaned forward again. His lips brushed above my brow as he shook his head.
"I'm sorry. I'm sorry I haven't been back. There's a lot going on in your absence and I needed to help Rhys and Cass."
My chest tightened. In my emotional spiral, I'd forgotten that he had access to them. He could see them whenever he wished.
"How are they?" I asked in a broken whisper. Azriel leaned back but I couldn't meet his eyes.
"Rhys is having a difficult time coping. Cassian is trying to help, but you know how he is-."
Azriel cut himself off. I didn't know how Cassian was. Like him, I'd only ever been gifted passing words with Cassian. As much as I desired it, I'd never been allowed in to their little family, I'd been trapped in my own instead. It broke me to know my brother wasn't coping with my disappearance. I wanted to winnow back to him, bury myself in his jasmine and wind scented chest and apologize until my voice gave out. I couldn't, though.
Rhysand didn't like our father, but he was loyal. He'd obey orders because someday, Rhys would govern this court and repair what our father had done, as well as our grandfathers. He had to obey so that he couldn't be replaced by another child forced from our mother. Knowing that, if I secretly saw him again, he'd tell our father and help him lock me up. Not only to obey orders, but to keep me safe from ending my life in desperate attempts to free myself.
I let out a shaky breath, still not stable from my realization that I hadn't been hallucinating. I needed sleep, yet it felt like that was all I ever did. Ate, drank, slept, spoke to the moon. In the past weeks, my life had become a repetitive, torturing cycle of anxiety and sorrow. It almost made me want to return to my father. Almost.
As if he sensed my thoughts, Azriel pulled his hand from mine and slipped it behind my back. I stiffened as he gathered the blanket on my legs and lifted me from the chair.
"What are you doing?" I asked, though I couldn't stop myself from laying my head against his hard chest. He walked me toward the corridor, then into the bedroom I called mine for now.
"You need rest," he muttered as he laid me on the bed. I sat up, frowning at him. He looked so pretty with a line of silvery moonlight slashed across his face.
"All I've done is rest," I argued. His jaw tensed, his temple rippled. I stared at him, the tunic hanging from my shoulder. With a sigh, he shoved me over and dropped onto the bed beside me. His wings pressed into the headboard as he stared ahead at the empty hearth and the painting of a snow capped mountain above it.
I didn't speak. My body craved his touch, even if it was between fabric. Feeling no better than a pouting child, I crawled over to him and dropped my head into his lap. His thighs tensed beneath my cheek. I blinked through the darkness at the midnight fabric gathered at his stomach, hooked over the silver buckle of his belt. A stray tear slipped from my eye and slipped down my temple, surely soaking into his trousers. Out of the corner of my eye, I watched his chest deflate and his head fall back between his wings.
We didn't speak anymore. I don't think we needed to. I felt the anxiety slip away as my eyes fell shut. His presence was a calming to the storm that thrashed in my chest and mind. I liked to think it was Azriel himself, but with how I felt in the silence before, I thought I could feel like this with anyone. It didn't matter, I was beyond grateful that he was there.
I felt him shift under my weight, the scratchy blanket lifting and dropping over my shoulder. I let out a heavy sigh, fingers mindlessly climbing until they slipped beneath his shirt. His muscles tensed again as my fingertips brushed slow circles against the warm skin of his waist, my head nestling closer to him.
All I'd done was sleep, but he lulled me back into blissful ignorance to my situation. My body felt heavy, my fingers numbing as exhaustion took over. I could've sworn I felt myself smile when leather gloves cautiously found their way into my hair.