Ava
Tarak guides the Firefly onto the surface of planet XO259, a planet in the same solar system as planet X044. "The planet's magnetic atmosphere will help us avoid detection from any Hydra ships."
While disembarking from the Firefly, Kayla hands me a backpack in addition to what looks like a rappelling harness used for climbing. I turn over the harness in my hands, inspecting it.
"It is your new safety harness for flying," says Kayla.
Suddenly Rigel is before us, his piercing blue eyes flicking between the new harness and Kayla. "These strings will not do. Where is Ava's old safety harness?"
"Rigel, this is an improvement. Look, it even has straps so you can hold onto Ava when you fly," says Kayla.
While Rigel and Kayla argue, I slip it on. Unlike everything else on Hydra, this harness feels like it was made for someone my size and snug. Not being bundled by the constrictive sleeping bag makes me feel free.
Rigel's eyes flick to my safety harness and they flash with anger. "Ava could fall. Those strings will not help."
"Do you think Tarak and I are idiots? We did weight calculations and everything. Come on, I will show you both how it works," she says, going outside with us.
A new planet. I gaze around us. The same blue star is in the sky, as are many moons (I can see five right now). It looks like we are in the mountains with the Firefly on one of the taller mountaintops.
Kayla leads us to a rock outcrop. "Ava, you stand here, and Rigel, you go here."
I dutifully stand on the rock outcrop she points to while Rigel sheepishly stands behind me. Kayla tugs on some straps so that Rigel and I press together, with Rigel's frontside tight against my backside.
"How does that feel," Kayla asks me.
Rigel growls. "This is not safe. Ava could fall and—"
Kayla yanks at the harness. "No, what you had before wasn't safe, Rigel. Why would you think that cushions from a height would help? It is likely more dangerous to have loose bulky cloth and loose straps that can catch on things."
"I don't like it!"
I stay silent while Rigel and Kayla argue, but I love wearing this new harness. Instead of having my limbs trapped by something hot and stifling, I can move freely. Not only that, but I feel the wind, the warmth of the star on my arms, and Rigel's firm body behind me.
Very firm body. Suddenly, I am certain he is also aware of me because um...
Does Rigel think this way about me? I mean, to him, I'm only a pet, so maybe I bumped into his hand, not his, um...
"Walk, Rigel, I need to double-check all the straps and if everything fits right," says Kayla.
Kayla walks with us, inspecting while I dangle in the air. There is no doubt. Rigel's bulge presses against my backside. Heat creeps into my cheeks. I'm so embarrassed but the good thing about this arrangement is that I am so close to Rigel that Kayla doesn't notice.
She's now telling us about safety procedures. "On our last trip, we later realized that the atmosphere disrupted our communication. For that reason, in the backpack, you will also find a flare gun. If you experience an emergency, use it. So, unless you have any questions, we'll expect you back tomorrow, all right?"
"Yep."
Kayla steps away. Glow Ball flies straight into my arms and I put the rahoni into my backpack.
Rigel's breath tickles my ear and his voice rumbles. "Ready?"
"Am I ever," I say, gripping the strap of the newly modified guidance harness.
Rigel dives headfirst. We plunge downward, the warm wind blowing over my skin and puffing out my hair.
The ground zooms closer and I can make out more details, like blue dots moving at the bottom of the mountain. Not dots but a herd of magnificent stampeding horned beasts.
We are barely a few feet over the animals when we veer, now flying in the same direction as the running animals. Their feet pound against the ground. One of them lifts their head and a high-pitched braying reaches me. In a strange way, I feel as if we are running together.
I want to throw my hair to the wind and run with the wild herd of animals. With the powerful Rigel at my backside, I want to scream with joy.
We fly past these animals and onward. Even after the star dips out of the sky, Rigel lets me choose our flight path. The night sky is beautiful, giving everything—the mountain tops, the many moons in the sky, and even my outstretched hands—an ethereal glow.
I guide us further upward, looking at many mountain tops, all potential places to camp for the night.
"Let's go there," I say, pointing at a spot with a field. "Onward, faithful steed!"
"Are you calling me a pet?"
"Yes," I say, reaching my hand up and giving his flank a light slap, laughing hysterically.
Rigel circles the mountaintop, laughing, and we land in the field. Rigel helps unhook me.
A warm, gentle breeze whispers through the tall grass. This place feels like it has hidden magic.
I sit near Rigel where he flattened the grass. Rigel's skin and feathers glow. Is it the moonlight here or is it because all creatures from heaven glow naturally? Glow Ball peeps, probably losing patience. I open the backpack and the rahoni leaps out, darting into the grass.
"I missed you," says Rigel.
Even though I promised myself to put some distance between us (not a pet, I remind myself), I find myself edging closer to him until we are inches apart.
"Me too."
"Then why do you try to get further away from me? Last night, you didn't want to sleep with me."
"I... Because you don't want me."
"No, Ava, no."
I yearn to run my fingers through his feathers, but I swallow that desire: it's forbidden.
"I do want you, Ava. That's why Kayla and Tarak made a plan to get you."
"Then why did you want to put me up for adoption?"
He gently grips my chin, tilting it so that I have no choice but to look at his eyes that spark in the moonlight. "No, Ava, you are mine."
"It's okay. I know I can never be enough for you, Rigel," I say, and now I can't resist patting his wing. "You are perfect, an angel, while I'm just a..." I'm so ashamed I hang my head, looking at the ground.
He comes closer, his breaths on the nape of my neck. "A human. Humans are smart and beautiful."
"If I'm all those wonderful things, then why did you fill out that form? The one that said you wanted to find me a new owner."
"What?"
"The form that stated I was up for adoption."
"That is not what happened," he says, shaking his head.
"But you did! I found the form on your computer—you even signed it. The computer translated it for me; it told me how you wanted to find a new home for me." Everything starts to look blurry. Stupid tears! "I can't even be a pet."
"I filled it out, that part is true—I did it to keep you safe! In the end, though, I never gave that form to anyone because I decided I wanted you, Ava."
"Safe from what?"
"Me," says Rigel, glancing upward when the rahoni zooms over us, flying upside down.
I can't resist commenting on Glow Ball's antics. "There is no denying it now. The rahoni is one of us."
We both laugh. Somehow, it helps release the tension and gives me the tiny bit of bravery I need to ask my questions and... Oh, I can't resist it any longer, creeping forward and sitting in Rigel's lap. How do we always end up like this?
"How can you think my life would be better without you? Before you, I lived with a cruel scourge. I barely had the will to live."
His wings, casting a silver glow, enclose me. "There might be someone better out there for you who could give you everything you need. I... I have never had a partner or been with a woman."
This is why he has been holding back. The fact that he thinks that way about me makes my groin tingle. "That's okay. I've never really been with anyone either, not for very long. We can learn together."
"I'm broken."
"What?"
"I don't even have the skills to form a relationship. I lost my mother when I was young. Do you understand now how I can never be enough?"
The possibility that Rigel was keeping a secret from me had entered my mind. This is not what I had expected, though, and his answer hits me like a punch in the stomach. I also lost my mother when I was young. Even now, I understand the pain of knowing how it can feel to lose someone, forever with the wound of being the one left behind.
For the longest time, I wanted someone to ask about my mother. Talking about her was how she would live on, at least that was what I thought in my child's mind at the time.
"What do you remember about her?" I ask.
"Fleeting memories. She used to sing me lullabies, while my father..."
"Didn't?"
"Among the Archae Bennuidae, music is important. It is part of our culture and the most famous among us are musicians. But after my mother died, our home was so quiet. I might have gone mad for a while because sometimes, I would hear hums echoing throughout the chambers of our cave, but then when I would go into the rooms—"
"No one was there?"
"Exactly. That is one example of how I am broken, imagining voices long after she was gone."
"Maybe it is not madness and more of a universal experience."
"What do you mean?"
"I also lost my mother and after she died, sometimes I would see the back of her ponytail, going around the corner, but when I ran after her and turned the corner, there was no one. Other times, it would be a mob of people, and when I looked at some of them, I'd see her face among them. So, I guess I am just saying I have had similar experiences," I say, listening to the rustling grass.
It feels like a lifetime ago I lost my mother. I can't help thinking how for a while, I would have given anything to make those phantom sensations, mainly sightings of my mother, stop. Now, however, I would give anything to feel her phantom lips brush my cheek or hear her whisper my name.
When his hand lightly strokes mine, I squeeze his hand back.
"So, we aren't different because we lost a parent when we were young. We are similar," I say.
"There is more. I didn't just lose my mother. All the women of our kind died then, so now I don't know how to be with someone when I am attracted to them. Ava, you are pretty and smart. You deserve a whole person," he says, stroking my hair.
"Because I'm a pet?"
"Hydra has requirements, about leashes and collars, and that is why we had to live like that. But Ava, I don't see you as a pet."
"On my planet, pets don't get to decide anything, so it feels like you, not Hydra, are treating me like a pet."
"No, Ava, you are human, and—"
"Then why do you get to decide," I say, grasping his wrist and stopping him from running his hands through my hair. "Maybe I want you exactly as you are. Besides," I say. Something about the moment—maybe Rigel's luminous glowing wings in the moonlight—makes me brave to go forward and say a tiny piece of what I feel. I had previously told Rigel I liked him, but I need to be bolder and spell everything out for him essentially. "Maybe I like-like you." Wow, that is not what I imagined saying. I thought I would tell him that I wanted sex but instead, here I am, speaking like a kid in middle school.
Rigel is tapping his earbud and making a strange face.
"Oh, no. Is something wrong with your translator," I ask.
"I don't know. It is repeating some of your words two times, unless... Did you mean to say a word twice?"
Roll with it. "I might say I like this field or a moon in the sky, but if I admire someone's soul or body and I want more of that," I say, gazing appreciatively at his muscled chest. "Well then I like-like them."
Oh, how his beautiful wings flutter. I want to sink my hands into them. It's forbidden.
I kiss his chest, slowly raising my gaze until our eyes meet. "So, do you... like-like me?"
"I do like-like you, but..."
The long silence tells me what he believes. How could this magnificent angel believe he is broken and unfit? Why can't he see what I do? We are both broken puzzle pieces, yet together we fit.
"What happens to those of your kind who sometimes crash while flying?"
"When we were young, rambunctious Archae Bennuidae, we often tried to outdo each other, doing tricks in the air. Falling happened a lot. Nearly always, we flew again."
"So, pretend I am a young Archae Bennuidae."
"But you don't have wings."
"Pretend. I'm an Archae Bennuidae, and you are my behaviorist. I tell you how I don't fly anymore because once I got hurt flying. What would you tell me?"
"It depends on how deep your fear is. It's important to meet the patient where they are."
I pat his wing. "My mother died from flying."
"Tell me more."
I take a deep breath. "On earth, we fly with machines—planes, though, and when I was young my mother went to see her sister. We were waiting for her in the airport for hours. She never arrived. Only later did we learn the small plane she was in crashed."
Rigel's eyes gaze at me—an array of emotions, shock, pain, and perhaps pity. "How did that affect you?"
"For a long time, I saw her in places, but at some point, I became obsessed with trying to get her to speak with me. At first, I would speak to her aloud and when she never answered, I started hiking to high points—the top of buildings and hills. When that didn't work, I would look for even higher points. Let's just say I ended up doing a lot of hiking. Somehow, I thought if I could get closer to heaven and—"
"Angels?"
"Yeah, angels, then maybe she would answer? I had lots of mysterious unexplained sightings, but I never heard her. The other change was the phobia I developed. For years, I was afraid of anyone I knew getting into a plane."
He plays with strands of my hair. "And now?"
"I've been training to become a pilot. It's awfully expensive, and I've had to volunteer lots of hours in exchange for flight time, but one day, I will fly on my own," I say, although my confidence wavers. Is that possible now? Speaking about my old life makes my life on Earth feel like a dream.
"Even after what happened to your mother?"
"Yeah. At first, it was a way to deal with fear, but also, I feel so powerful when I'm in the sky like I'm finally in control. Maybe it was similar to when I was a kid and I first climbed hills to get closer to my mother."
"Are you trying to fly higher to speak with her?"
"I'm no longer a child, but I'd like to hope that she sees me from wherever she is and that she is proud of me."
"Let's pretend you are a behaviorist."
"I don't think I would make a very good one."
"Pretend," says Rigel, and when he gets a stern look on his face, I laugh.
"Okay, I am a behaviorist. Now what?"
"I tell you that I met someone from a different part of the galaxy, and I like-like this person, and..." The wind ruffles his feathers. Rigel's already big but it makes him look huge.
"And...?"
"What if I'm not good enough?"
I must be needy because suddenly I climb Rigel like a pole, knocking him backward so that his body lies on the grass. I crawl over him and my face hovers above his. Even his eyes have a strange glow in the moonlight. We're so close I can feel our breaths intermingling.
My eyes go downward and now I focus on his mouth. Is it possible to have perfect lips? This man does, his lips are full, and the corner turns upward, and...
His wings snap out, pulling me closer to him with strength and force. His wings tighten around me, making it hard to breathe.
Locked together like this with our faces only inches apart, I find him irresistible.
I lean forward, press my lips against his, and kiss.
"What would you tell me," says Rigel, the vibration of his voice going into my lips.
Rigel is obsessed with the question, but I am preoccupied with his soft lips and kissing him. I nip, sucking on his lips.
With all my soul, I want to do this forever. I straddle him, running my fingers over his taut muscles. How does he manage to spend most of his days aboard a spaceship yet have the musculature of a God, I wonder.
"Ava..."
"Fly again," I say, now exploring his abdomen. "Oh, and Rigel?"
"Yeah?"
Ask for it. "If you'll have me, it won't be as a pet, but as your equal." There's a jitteriness in my stomach, but I know what I need to do; demand it. "Is that understood?"
His wings pull me forward so that I lay across his chest, our faces inches apart. His eyes rove over my face. Being so close without him saying anything makes me feel self-conscious and exposed. I gaze into the brilliant sea that is his eyes in the moonlight, shards of silver and blue.
He kisses me softly on my lips and whispers in my ear. "Yes, we fly together, as equals." He reaches for my collar, the one lined with soft fur that he first gave to me when I first moved in with him and undoes it. "Should I get rid of it? We can leave it here."
I rub my neck that now feels empty and naked without it. Initially, I hated having a collar, especially when Loviatar found ways to use it as a weapon. For some strange reason, though, I liked that Rigel gave me a collar. When I first received it, it felt like a gift and when I wear it, I feel like it marks me as his.
"Fly together as equals," I repeat, tentatively resting my hand on his wing, my eyes locked on the collar. "Can I keep the collar, though?"
He smiles and buckles it back onto my neck. So, I'll keep the collar, but...
This feels like a fresh start. For one, we are equal, and two, he did say yes to like-liking me, which we established as meaning that we want to be with each other physically. So maybe not tonight, but one day I will drag my fingers through his wings.
Our Glow Ball flies above us—peeping while he somersaults and tumbles through the air.
I'm tired and reposition myself, curling into Rigel's chest and arms. His waiting wings enclose me.
I must be exhausted. The moment I close my eyes, behind closed eyelids, I see us flying. Or maybe I am dreaming because we fly, side by side, holding hands, while little Glow Ball does tricks in the air alongside us.