Five Months Ago
Alek, Amelia, and I climb out of the Uber and make our way to the bar's entrance. I don't really plan on drinking a lot, but none of us want to take the chance just in case we change our minds.
Better safe than sorry.
Music filters through any time the door opens to carry people in and out. Friends stumble together toward waiting sober rides, couples smile intimately as they walk to their vehicle while others hold hands as they make their way inside. A group of people stand outside, smoking and conversing with one another as they wait for others to join them.
I don't know how long I stand in place while emotions bombard me, but it's enough to observe all of that. Amelia waits on one side of me while Alek waits on the other, neither rushing me and it makes the love I have for them that much more profound.
My heart races erratically, as if it's going to jump out of my chest any minute. It's been doing that since we pulled up and I noticed Keaton's truck parked up front next to the entrance.
"Charlie?" Amelia says softly, reaching out to tangle her fingers with mine. "We can walk away now. Go back home. We don't have to do this if you're not ready."
Closing my eyes, I inhale deeply and hold it for a few seconds before blowing it out slowly, repeating the steps a couple more times, like Rebecca showed me. Once my anxiety has worked its way back under the surface, I open my eyes.
My thoughts are more apparent and the chaotic vortex of emotions inside of me has calmed down.
I lift my chin and straighten my spine. "No. It's time." I squeeze Amelia's hand and give them both a smile. "I'm truly ready, guys. It's going to be hard, but I think I've already faced the hardest part of all of this, wouldn't you say?"
Amelia drops my hand and lifts both of hers to cup my face. She drops her face toward mine and presses our foreheads together. "You never fail to astound me with how fucking strong you are, Char. You're the best fucking friend a girl could ask for and I'd go to damn war for you. I don't know what the future holds for you and Keaton, but I'm going to be right here with you every step of the way." She pulls away and her eyes are fierce while her mouth draws tight. "But I will promise you this, if he ever fucking hurts you like this again, I will not hesitate to make his intestines my new jewelry. It'll go well with the orange jumpsuit I'll be wearing in my motherfucking mugshot." Amelia squeezes my cheeks together, drops a quick kiss to the tip of my nose, and steps back. "Ride or die, babycakes."
Tears fill my eyes and I widen them in a hurry while fanning them with my hand to keep them from falling. "Fuck. Now, look at what you did."
"Feeling totally inadequate over here, ladies," Alek grumbles, his hand brushing against my back.
We laugh and the moment breaks.
"All right. Let's do this," I say, taking the first step toward the door.
They get easier as I close the distance. Alek and Amelia follow behind, letting me take the lead, which I appreciate. As much as I want to stay hidden and not confront this, it's something I also know it's time to face. It's time for masks to come off and for me to stop running. It's time to face the world and the one man who nearly destroyed mine.
The music gets louder as I pull open the doors and I'm hit with the overwhelming scent of barley, whiskey, body sweat, and terrible decisions. Two people are up on a stage singing an off-tune rendition of Good Vibrations by Marky Mark and The Funky Bunch while the crowd joins in drunken joy. The carefreeness of it all makes me smile as I make my way through the wave of bodies strewn about the area.
It gets easier to smile as the days pass. I'm finding joy in things again that make me happy. There's still a very long road ahead of me, I know that. But every day that I wake up and Keaton's betrayal isn't the first thing on my mind, it's a win in my book and it gives me hope.
Alek grabs my hand, tangling our fingers together and taking over the lead when I seem to get pushed around more than I am making progress in moving through people. With him at my front and Amelia at my back, the crowd gives us room until we're finally through the thick of it and standing in front of a group of people.
My body takes this time to go on the fritz, alternating between hot and cold, as we stand in front of Keaton. He's sitting with another guy who looks to be in a constant state of pain as he stares bleakly at the drink he's twisting against the bar in his hand.
David spins on his barstool, his eyes sparking when they spot Amelia. His lips curve flirtatiously. "Hey, there, sugar. Around you, I'm like a complex word. Hard and long," he says to her with a wink.
I crinkle my nose as I fight to hold back my laughter at how horrible that was and wait for it because I know she's about to eat him.
Amelia moves past me and squeezes between David and Keaton. She rolls her eyes over David's body with a hint of disdain that, only from years of being friends with her, I know is fake. "Funny. The last I recall, around me you were like my last phone call with that fucking unwanted telemarketer. Lackluster and barely lasted ten seconds." She turns to the bartender. "Vodka on the rocks."
At the look on David's face, I'm unable to hold in my laughter any longer. It rips from my chest so unexpectedly that I actually stumble from the force of it. Alek catches me, but that's not what makes my laughter die. It's the way Keaton has turned in his seat and has his pain-filled eyes on mine, an expression on his face that I can't really describe. It's as if my laughter is breathing life into him, yet those breaths cause him agony when he inhales.
I give him a shy smile, tucking a lock of hair behind my ear. "Hi."
Keaton climbs slowly to his feet, watching to make sure his movements don't startle me. It doesn't, but my breathing picks up as it moves him closer to me.
Alek drops my hand and steps away toward David.
I glance over at him as panic claws at my skin. He gives me a nod of encouragement, his eyes letting me know he'll be right here if I get overwhelmed. His reassurance settles the chaos colliding inside me and I give him a small smile of appreciation.
When I peer back over at Keaton, he's watching the interaction between Alek and me with tormented, but understanding, eyes. There used to be a time in our lives when he would be the one I'd seek for comfort and reassurance. He's no longer my safety net, and he knows that.
I watch him take a deep breath before he smiles gently at me and holds out his hand. "Hello, there. I don't think we've been introduced. I'm Keaton Carr."
I'd considered once, not long after he cheated, what it would be like if I were meeting Keaton for the first time as adults instead of as children. This is as close as I'm going to get to that. It makes me sad, but there's also a part of me that is curious about this new person standing in front of me.
And that's what he is.
A new person.
Because while he still looks the same as the boy I gave my heart to so long ago, I also notice the differences in the seven months that we've been split up. He carries himself differently. More weary, more aware of the world and the people around him. He's quieter, his smile more slow to form and his eyes showcasing the pain he carries in his heart.
I stretch my hand out until our hands clasp together. Jolts of electricity shoot up my arm and I fight the instinct to pull away. His eyes jump to mine and hold me captive. There's no surprise in his almost as if he knew that the connection between us still ran strong.
Keaton tightens his fingers around mine and I spot the flash of fear that passes through his eyes before he blinks, erasing it.
I hate that my first thought is to wonder what he's hiding. He must see it on my face too, because he blows out a quiet breath and laughs softly.
The depreciation in it has my heart squeezing for him.
"Sorry. I was scared you were going to pull away."
My brows lift in surprise. This vulnerable side of him differs from what I was used to with him. Keaton's never been huge on vulnerability, but he'd open up to me if he knew I needed that from him. At least, he used to until Rihanna came into our lives.
I lift one of my shoulders and then let it drop. "I thought about it."
"Don't blame you," he says, removing his hand from mine and shoving them into his pockets.
He nods his head towards the bartender. "Can I get you something to drink?"
At his question, my eyes fall behind him to his drink on the counter. It's a clear liquid over ice.
What is it? Vodka?
My body tenses as I fight away the memories of the last time I was around him when he was drinking. I'm not good at hiding my thoughts from him. They're obviously there on my face because remorse fills his eyes as he reaches back to grab his glass.
"It's just water, Charlie. I've not touched alcohol since that night."
A terrible shudder seizes my body and I grit my teeth as I force myself to stand in place and not run off. I'm never going to heal if I continue to run from things that cause me pain instead of facing them. The resolve I had before coming here to face Keaton is withering away as pain tries to shove its way into place.
One look into my eyes and he can spot the fight going on inside of me. His posture sags and he lowers his chin to his chest for a minute, as if he's gathering his thoughts. When he peers back up at me, his eyes are red and vacant.
"I'm sorry, Charlie," he says in a thickened voice. "The last thing I want to do is cause you more pain. I'm going to grab Brock here and we're going to get out of here, okay?"
There's something beautiful, powerful, and fucking heartbreaking in witnessing the pain of someone you love because it means they feel safe enough with you to allow you the most vulnerable part of them.
When he turns away from me in defeat, I inhale a deep breath in preparation. For the first time in seven months, I'm about to offer Keaton some grace that I'm not sure he truly deserves. Seeing the raw anguish on his face, the defeated posture of a guy that I'd never seen be anything less than confident, and the pain in his voice when he apologized...it's impossible for me to stay withdrawn.
It's the one unfortunate side effect of my empathetic nature.
Little stings pass over my palm when I open my clenched fist from where my nails pierced my skin.
I don't even give myself time to think because I'm terrified that if I do, I'll walk away no matter how much his pain is calling out to me.
The way his body stills underneath the feel of my palm resting on his arm makes my knees quake. Electricity licks against my skin as a mild pain builds in my chest.
"St-" I start but clear my throat when it comes out scratchy. "Stay."
When he turns to peer at me, his eyes searching, I give him a small smile. "I just met you. I'd like to-" I blow out a breath, "-I'd like to know more about you."
Am I ready for this?
No. No, I'm absolutely not. But I also am. I have to make peace with him somewhere and being reintroduced as if we'd never met before gives me that chance.
"Are you sure?" he asks, his eyes still moving over my face.
"Yes," I nod. Then I shake my head. "No."
I drop my hand from his arm with a grimace. "I don't know, Keaton. Just...let's hang out with everyone and don't push me, okay? This is all I have for you right now."
"Understood, Charlie. You're in control here. You always will be, okay?"
I nod and wait while he and his friend Brock grab their things. I study Keaton's friend as I wait for them. The empathetic side of me wants to wrap him up in a warm, fuzzy blanket and tell him that everything is going to be okay. The betrayed side of me recognizes he mimics the same mannerisms as Keaton and that doesn't spell warm thoughts for his reasoning behind his pain.
Neither of them says anything as I lead us over to the table with Alek, Amelia, and the others. That's okay with me because I need a breather before any more interaction between us.
They pass greetings around when we reach the table, but then it happens to me. For the first time, I struggle with my decisions. Do I take the seat next to my used-to-be lover-turned-best friend or do I take the one next to the ex-boyfriend who once cut me open and made me bleed?
It's not a choice I have to make though, because both the guys rearrange it so that I don't feel like I'm hurting either of them. They place me in the middle of them. I mean, all in all, it's not exactly a bad place to be, I guess.
Amelia glances over at me with a smirk, her eyes full of mirth at my situation. She wiggles her brows and I know she's just trying to help the uncomfortableness of it all.
With a dramatic groan, I close my eyes and flop back in my chair in the most unlady-like move ever, probably showing my shit to anyone that wants to take a peek at it, considering the dress that Alek shoved me into.
Soft fingers brush against my thigh hesitantly and the way sparks zip across my skin, leaving goosebumps behind, I don't have to open my eyes to know it belongs to the person who, by all rights, shouldn't still own space inside my heart.
With a sigh, I open my eyes and move until he has no choice but to drop his fingers. His touch is still as familiar to me as my own, and sometimes I miss it so damn much, but the truth is, right now, it's still not wanted.
Shoot. I don't know if it ever will be again.
Sometimes, I wish I could see into the future because then I'd know. I'd know if there's a day where this isn't hard. Where it doesn't hurt. If there's a day that I won't be ashamed of missing the him that I had before Rihanna came into our lives. Maybe there would be a way I'd know whether all of this pain was worth it in the end.
Unfortunately, I'm not that lucky.
Every interaction I have with him now is a risk. It's a risk to my heart, to my head. It's a risk to the healing I've done so far.
But...isn't that what life is? A risk? Life is a gamble because the truth is, we can't predict what's going to happen from one moment to the next. If I learned anything from losing my baby sister when she was only five and then walking into that pool house to see the love of my life buried balls deep in the town skank-a-hoe, it's that life is best lived in the now.
Control what you can control. Yourself. Your thoughts, your emotions, your actions...they're going to be the determining factor in how the rest of your life plays out.
The only one in control of your future...is you.
I give Keaton a tight smile. "So, tell me about who Keaton Carr is," I demand, playing along with these new roles of strangers that he gave us when I walked in.
He stares at me for so long with unreadable eyes that I shift in my chair. The hair lifts on the back of my neck as if he's probing my soul. It's like he's trying to determine how much truth I'm able to handle, and something about that excites and terrifies me because it means he's willing to open up. That he's going to do it here in front of everyone? It's huge.
Keaton catches the way I wiggle in my seat, though, because he grimaces and breaks off the stare. "Sorry, I don't want to cause you any more hurt if I can help it, so I guess I was trying to determine how much truth you can handle."
Warmth expands in my chest. My lips curl softly in his direction and I lift a brow. "I'm not sure what you mean, Keaton. We've just met, remember?"
The eyes of our friends rest heavily upon us, but they deter neither of us as we're determined to finish this first meeting of ours. Rebecca told me that this first conversation with him after all of this would be one of our toughest in terms of emotions.
"Right," he says, blowing out a heavy breath. "Then I suppose I should introduce myself properly."
And I brace myself.
"So, I already told you my name is Keaton. There are more important things about me I feel should be out in the open, though, before we go any further in this friendship."
I don't correct his assumption on where this is going. I keep quiet because I know whatever is about to come from his mouth is about to break me and heal pieces of me simultaneously.
"See, growing up, there was this girl. Prettiest thing I ever seen. She had these long curls that were so white they almost seemed more silver. And her eyes, god, her eyes captivated me from the moment they caught mine. We were just little kids, but there was something about her that just told me she was special and she'd change my life in ways I'd never learn until later."
My fingers curl into fists on my thighs to keep from reaching out to him to soothe the pain in his voice. I can't.
"It took me years to realize I'd fallen ridiculously and hopelessly in love with her. This slip of a girl, she had me, and I don't even think she knew how much. Of course, how could she when I never really opened up and let her know that?"
Our table is quiet, the group captivated by the vulnerability being shown to us by someone we least expected it from.
"I don't know why it was so hard for me to let her see those parts of me. Those parts that make us all human. The emotions. I mean, I told her I loved her because it's always been my one truth." Keaton pierces me with a look that steals my breath. "Always. Even in the most fucked-up times I showed her it wasn't possible. You see, Charlie, one of the most important things you should know about me is that I did the one thing neither of us thought I was capable of. I broke one of the most beautiful souls that has ever been placed on this earth and there's not a day...not even a second that goes by, that I don't hate what I did to her. There's not a day where I look at myself in the mirror and not hate the reflection shining back at me. It reflects the uglier part of me I didn't know I had. It's that part that I'm trying to come to terms with now. I didn't just destroy her, I destroyed myself and all the memories we had together. I've had to sit back and watch her fight to pick up the pieces I was responsible for breaking because my presence only added to the bleeding wounds she's been trying to heal."
When the first tears fall from Keaton's lonely eyes, I'm unable to stop myself from reaching out and placing my hand over his to give him that small piece of connection from me he needs. His form goes hazy as my own eyes fill.
The smile he gives me is probably one of the saddest I've ever seen. "I've gotten to watch as day by day, she grew stronger with the help of friends." Keaton extends his arm, lifting his hand to cup my cheek. "I've had to witness the moment that she was ready to grace someone else with her beauty, and much as it burns to me to my fucking soul, it also makes me happy because I destroyed a piece of her I wasn't sure she'd ever find again." He drops his hand and peers over at Alek. "I never really thought I'd be thanking the man who did that for her, but I am. Because of him, she found that piece that she needed to help her on her healing journey. And for that, he'll always have my gratitude." Then he smirks. "No matter how much I'd love to shove my goddamn fist down his throat."
Keaton stands and lifts the bottom of his shirt to wipe his eyes.
The flash of newly inked skin he shows has me swallowing hard and glancing away.
He takes a deep breath. "So, hi. I'm Keaton and I cheated on the love of my life. That's not who I am. Not anymore, anyway. I'm working to be better, to do better. I'm working to find out why I did it so that I can fix whatever is wrong inside of me that caused me to do something so despicable. I never plan to stop working to be a better person. No matter the journey her life takes her on. It's the least she deserves from me."
The tip of his ears turn red and he rubs the back of his neck with a grimace. "Sorry, guys. I think it's probably best that I go on home. Thanks for having me out tonight. It's actually been pretty nice."
He grabs his buddy whom I never really got introduced to and starts heading toward the exit. The further he gets from me, the more my heart races.
I feel like there's so much that's been left unsaid. I feel like I need to say...something.
"Go," Alek urges quietly.
I peer over at Amelia. She's staring at me with soft eyes and for the first time, she's not really saying anything. But then she gives me a subtle nod, encouraging me to feel whatever the hell I'm feeling inside and do what feels right to me.
Jumping from the seat, I wobble on my heels for a minute before steadying and then hurrying after him. I have to shove people out of the way, probably rougher than I normally would have, but I don't want Keaton to leave without me acknowledging how much I appreciated what he did back there.
"Keaton," I call, but he doesn't hear me, continuing on toward the door.
Dammit.
Stopping in place, I lean down and remove the heels, dangling them from my fingers as I rush after him. He shoves through the door without looking back.
"Move," I snarl at some dude who tries to step in my way and his eyes widen as he scrambles to move.
My hands smack the exit bar on the door and I shove it open.
"Keaton," I call out again, rushing toward where he's about to climb into his truck.
His face goes slack as his eyes widen when he sees me hurrying to him. "Charlie? Is everything okay? What's wrong?"
I stop when there's a few feet between us, not ready to get closer than that. Tonight has been emotional enough. There's no way in hell I'll be able to handle close physical proximity with him.
"I just wanted to tell you it was nice meeting you, Keaton. Maybe we'll see each other around."
His lips part and he rubs his hand over his heart as he stares at me, speechless. I give him a little smile and turn to go back in.
But there's something digging at my soul. Something my heart wants to say to him. So, I turn back around.
"Hey, Keaton." He glances over the frame of the truck door. "That girl you spoke so beautifully about. I'm pretty sure she doesn't hate you. At least not anymore. And I'm pretty sure you probably gave her a lot of happy years. Years that she wouldn't trade, not even after the pain she went through. And I'm confident that she would tell you that even though you made a lot of really terrible decisions that broke her, she would want you to know that she doesn't think you're a bad guy. You mentioned having an ugly side to yourself that you didn't know about. I'll tell you she does too. She's just fantastic at accepting it. And in doing that, she's able to balance so that it doesn't destroy her life. Have a good night, Keaton."
This time, I don't look back as I walk away. I can feel it building inside of me, the pain, the love, the heartbreak, and the fucking memories. So, instead of going back to my group of friends, I stand inside the door until I know Keaton is gone and then I go back outside.
I call for an Uber and then lean back against the building just as the first sob breaks from my chest. They're painful, but they're healing and I don't know why that scares me so much. Bringing the shoes to my chest, I hold them to me as if they'll hold the pain inside. As if a pair of motherfucking red-soled heels will stop the flow of agony pouring from my veins.
Alek and Amelia rush out the door just as the Uber is pulling up.
"What the fuck, Char? Why didn't you come to me? Why didn't I have to get a phone call from that fuck hat telling me to come check on you?" Amelia snarks, as she wraps me in her arms and guides me to our ride.
"Keaton called you?" I ask, my voice cracking from the tears.
She snorts and Alek chuckles. "Of course he did. As much as I hate to admit it, that man knows you. He knew what you were going to pull."
"I'm scared," I admit quietly.
"I know you are. And I'm scared with you because I can't see you broken like that again, Charlie. It destroyed me to know that you had so much agony going on inside of you and I couldn't do anything to fix it. You're my best friend and I had to sit and watch you break." She brushes the hair from my eyes and gives me that lopsided smile of hers that she rarely lets anyone else see. "But as you always tell me...live in the now, Charlie. You control your life. Always remember that."
I lean between my two best friends, both of them anchoring me to the here and now with their hands entwined in mine as I try not to think about what my future holds.
Because that's a scary fucking thing to ponder and I think I'd rather go into blind as stupid as that sounds.
Live in the now.
I think that's smart because for the first time since I walked into that pool house, I could actually be in Keaton's presence without being triggered. Even when he was talking about it. The mind movies didn't bombard me, they didn't even make an appearance. And then I think about the words I told Keaton before he left.
None of this means that I'm ready to grant forgiveness, but it means that I'm healing as I should be.
And honestly, that's the most I could ask for right now.
Moment by moment, day by day, I'm healing.
I close my eyes and lean my head back against the seat as a genuine smile paints my face.
I'm not broken anymore. I've twisted and molded myself with the help of my friends into being someone just a little bit bent.
And I think I'm okay with that.